chaoticmoonwinks

[chaoticmoonwinks]

Eyes rained & rained

And now a shoot is calling me mum.

Heart breaking as it is, I can see past this. The issue with too many things on my plate is not my probable inability to do them all justice, but my innate nature to not pay heed to things around. By the very virtue of being, I am both agitated and comfortable looking at the parted sea. In this moment, my sweet little titanic is carassing the iceberg.

I’m not getting carried away, if at all, I’m sleeping.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

Watering the plant just outside my cell

kal ho na ho is playing... This is the worst song I could have played at this hour. but what is time? It is slipping, and all I see is a heap of it behind my back. Lately, I am more aware of all my present turning into the past. Like how our anniversary filled my heart with joy and slipped past my fingers. This second, too, is slipping away no matter how tightly I cling. All these moments, I have this fear that my brain is not what it used to be. And we both know this is a well-founded belief. I am having trouble framing sentences, and this is making me feel a little insecure about it all. The issue is that the more I am aware of it while speaking & the more I focus, the more uncoherent the speech is. This reminds me of when we took off braces and how tough it was to say s & x. but add to the mix - confusing closely related words together. idk how many please bear with me I can beg out of him. My god.

I am not bad... very less aware of the surroundings, you can say. Forgetfulness & confusing stuff can stem from the same thing, although I hope such is not the case. Nowadays I am very interested in stocks & the market - maybe this will help. thoda sad toh hai yaar

In the other news, i'm afraid i will be left alone. Have to meet people before leaving... harshil, arth, suryansh, bharg, aditi,... okay now i think i will cry. Will i regret not spending enough time with them? me scary. how much do you miss jaya or divya? wish people weren't so replaceable. Thinking about Bittu still scratches a fresh wound. sab better hota. infinitely better hota. is this self-pity when I say I didn't deserve this? kyuki, I do deserve better. I m done with this place. I think we can leave now. before other things also fall apart. which ik they will. feels silly to even pray for it to turn into my favor. my god, I am stupid. no wonder he hates my presence. I look at the old ideas, and I see how awesome I was…. yes awesome is the word. Everything is rotten now. when i tell him this, he feels he is the reason. idt he is. he has added to my life in more than a k ways. initially, I decided (or Jasubhai) told e to put myself first and distance myself from whatever caused een the slightest discomfort. i was putting yself first - whih kinda bakfired...for the next few months, that developed into a mindset wherein I distanced myself mentally. btw im afraid we will start having trouble conversing. I hardly remember stuff, and that affects his interest in the conversation. then we both are so self-obsessed... then we feel this block in initiating... tough ride this too

all these painful things y brain keeps telling e. saying how bad a person i a and all the ways i hurt people. i should stop taking things so personally. Saloni woulde laughed at this... this mica has taken wayy ore than it has given e. and this is the truth. my nature was my biggest asset & here I sit rying over the same. there is no edge, well rounded fool. i pray the next ananya is kinder on us. i pray she doesnt let us cry alone or leave us when we need her the most.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

Sneaked under the table cloth

Moved chairs looking

Words scanned to find

One note.

I often forget where I’ve kept

Stuff

Like hope, dreams n science.

Mirror too.

I forget how I look

To those who

See

See me.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

Wrap you arms around me baby,

I can sleep only when with you

Rest all sleep is dreaming to be in your arms.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

I want that life with you.

As I'm sitting in the plane right now, I wanted to quickly jot down an account that just occurred during my transit from the boarding gate to my seat.

The airline I always subscribe to was able to match my expectation yet again when they timely announced the starting of the boarding process. Unlucky chaps like me who had been assigned zone 3 were pushed to the side by the gate manager as they made way for priority passengers - those whose mobility were compromised either due to physical limitations, senility or my worst nightmare, howling infants. There were three old handicapped women who sat on their wheelchairs, with their aides right behind them. Then came forward a couple with their two kids - the only people with kids who chose to exercise their privilege of priority check-in, probably due to their ability to pervade the linguistic barrier, built so carefully, by the young gate manager, blurting out instructions in the colonial tongue, through a semi-crackling loudspeaker.

After passing through the boarding gate and getting on the bus destined to take us to the plane, I found myself a comfortable seat beside an old gentleman holding a crutch. It was only then that I could catch a longer glimpse at the couple. They were standing straight ahead of me about half a metre away. Their kids were seated in the row prior to mine.

On first glance, a lot could be observed about the couple. The man was visibly fat and dark skinned, with tidy hair but a shabby beard with patches of grey in them. His eyes were bulging out of their sockets, perhaps due to sleep deprivation. He was responsible for carrying most of the luggage that had wheels attached to them. He stood with his back to the gate, letting his paunch eat away significantly from the space allocated to his wife. 

She, on the other hand, was quite the opposite. Her hoodie was of a lighter shade of green than her husband's jacket, perfectly complementing the slight natural brown streaks of her conditioned hair. Immediately, one would be drawn to her long and subtly styled eyes. Even at 5:30 in the morning, this woman had her smoky eye shadow and discrete eye liner elevate the strength of her gaze. The sharp bridge of her nose just made her visible face all the more enigmatic leading to a nose protruding through the mask that she was wearing. Her nails were polished with a blend of light green and blue and filed to have round edges, perhaps for the safety of her children. Both she and her husband had Apple watches on, which kept reminding them of just how long the bus had been stationary. The man got frustrated and asked the driver to get going. The woman was talking to the kids, asking them to recite "The wheels on the bus go..."

Their frustration was my pleasure. The longer the bus waited, the more I enjoyed the vivid scene of a family unfold in front of my eyes. With every interaction they had among themselves, they revealed a little more about their world to me. The more they revealed, the more familiar it seemed to me. Here was a run-of-the-mill couple who have created a world of privilege for themselves through their hard work. Their zone of comfort extends to their little cubs that they are raising together. I get to hear them call their kids out...

Meher and Kabir. Such lovely names. Such a lovely family. I noticed them with an absurd keenness till they got to their seat. 

Now I am sitting in mine with an android phone in my unmoisturised hand and all I can think about is...

I want that life with you.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

What will I be?

Something you won’t recognise as me. No buttery wings or flightless eyes, nothing of rock or of water. Cloud is taken, I look at mango and shed tears.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

“We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl

Year after year

Running over the same old ground

What have we found?

The same old fears

Wish you were here”

[chaoticmoonwinks]

And the “clear instructions of my lover

Turn me into a song; sing me awake”

[chaoticmoonwinks]

Oku

Take comfort from me,

And I will take comfort from you.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

‘How my life is about to leave me to stay here with the living’

[chaoticmoonwinks]

I played pianos for elephants deaf and blind

[chaoticmoonwinks]

A distant island.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

September is asking me

Where to from here.

Anywhere but winter.

Lend me a week of May.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

It plays dice with beats

[chaoticmoonwinks]

I drown I drown

Any feelings

But not mine. Mine

Are burning a hole

Hands stretch and spread it wide

Puzzled heart stares blank

As gazillion fingers make

Way for gazillion,

Now what to term this

Creature so big. I

Drown I drown instead.

[chaoticmoonwinks]

On his wrist

It sits

Pale, white.

Dying Shadow of

A photo frame

faint lines

With no name.

What was there

before?

Portrait, mirror, clock

Or a framed papyrus

Screaming sweets.

Do I want answers?

[chaoticmoonwinks]

Violin rushes to fill in the silence we so dearly embrace. Churning apocalypses in two and a half, creator of holy… A mirror, reflecting but a moment later, temperature a slave to the room’s.

Fondness, irrevocable.

Soft, soft.