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Ocean Vuong / On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous

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are you fucking kidding me with this popping up on my dash right NOW??

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…”

— Unknown

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i would give anything for you to have let me come over last night instead and to be sleeping next to you right now.

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one of the most jarring things is how you’re SO fucking sweet and gentle and patient so much of the time, but then you just turn into this person i don’t even recognize. actually, i recognize him very well at this point. i guess it’s just crazy that it’s still so jarring and shocking.

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Antigonick, Anne Carson

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- love in the mundane

warsh_tippy and zelda- whatever, dad/ minari/ new years day- taylor swift/ @death-born-aphrodite/ stay, stay, stay- taylor swift/ everything, everywhere, all at once/ i will- mitski/ @death-born-aphrodite/ fleabag/ sweet nothing- taylor swift

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i’m fucking falling apart.

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EVERYTHING I’VE EVER LET GO OF HAS CLAW MARKS ON IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”

— David Foster Wallace

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“Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.”

— David Foster Wallace

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but i don’t think i am strong enough to leave. or even not to beg you to stay if you try to leave. and that is maybe the worst effect you have on me. i cannot let you go.

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you can’t find comfort in what hurt you

you can’t find healing in what broke you

you can’t find comfort in what hurt you

you can’t find healing in what broke you

you can’t find comfort in what hurt you

you can’t find healing in what broke you

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holy shit i was happy. i was doing really well. i HAD made a lot of progress. holy fuck. i am so blind to the effect you have on me and my life. love really is blind. i’m so in love with you and i want to make it work so bad because i do love life with you. but it’s not healthy. it’s not good for me. fuck. i hope i don’t have to go back to a mental institution for it this time. fuck.

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Anaïs Nin, from a diary entry featured in Mirages: The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1939-1947

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crazy how all i wanted was to come pick you up, tell you i love you and that this is more important to me so for the time being i would put a pause on things while we tried to figure things out, and just be close to you and sleep next to you. and instead i got that you hadn’t even thought about coming to be with me and that you took an edible so you couldn’t leave when you knew i had to go home and then just got mad at me and were mean to me. like i really was ready to dampen and restrain myself and change who i am for you AGAIN. only for you to crush me again.

god i was so excited to spend fall and the holidays and christmas with you and i just wish you had been willing to see me sooner or been willing to come with me tonight. i don’t think we needed to get here. i don’t think it had to be this way. but i don’t know how to go back from this. i don’t know how to be okay with any of this or move forward after this. and that sucks so bad. and i’m so fucking mad at you.

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i’m so fucking hurt and so fucking angry and this feels sO FUCKING UNFAIR. god. i’m furious and devastated and this is just bullshit.

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sometimes i wish we could just have a therapist as part of our relationship who saw and knew everything and i just wonder what they would say. i know there is fault on both sides, but sometimes in situations like this i just start to feel crazy. like i want to take the receipts and situation to a judge and have them point out where we’re both wrong or out of line or whatever and so i could just understand. i hate this. i hate that we’re here. i thought we were past this. i thought we were better than this. i thought we were different. and it just feels like there’s no going back. and that breaks my heart. i wanted this so bad. but i can’t do this again. i can’t feel this way or be treated this way again. i know i am not innocent in all this, but i also feel like i was given no way to win and then am being held to blame for everything. and i can’t understand. you make me feel fucking insane. i hate this. I HATE THIS.

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what is wrong with my brain that i’m able to so fully convince myself that it’ll be different every time? like okay while it may not be the *actual* definition of insanity, they’ve got a fucking point. i think i could probably be diagnosed as clinically insane based on this alone. i just want it so fucking bad. i want you so fucking bad. but i guess that’s just never going to be enough. this might’ve been one of the shortest honeymoon phases yet so if that’s not a terrible fucking sign i don’t know what is. at least i’ll still get to have you in my life. at least we’ll still get to be friends. or at least i fucking hope. i swear to god if you say you can’t be friends… god.