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I senselessly wonder what it would be like if you cared about me.

I fight my tender heart to not dwell further. I fear...

I fear that, for you, I am just a warm body in which to pass loneliness and entertain boredom.

In a way, I am willing to accept being nothing to you - since it is in those fleeting moments with you that I am able to capture the best of me.

And yet, in a way, that makes me the saddest of all - to care for a man who may never care for me at all.

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Reflection

How many times can she make the same mistake before she finds the window of escape she’s looking for? How many ways can she be distracted by something in the distance when she's looking for a second chance that may not be there? I want to tell her to make a different choice, walk away from this room as she eases a needle into the vein that is pronounced in the crook of her elbow. But my bite my lip, and her eyelids flutter as a rush of chemicals fill her bloodstream.

I shake my head. I don’t want to watch, but it's like a horrific car accident. I can't look away either. I have to see it unfold and know how it ends. I want to tell her she could stop before she makes a mistake, but my words are stuck in my throat.

She inhales sharply. “Nothing I do is a mistake,” she leans over slowly and removes the needle from her arm. “There are no mistakes. Just lessons. I've learned not to tell people about me. They're likely to try and fix a problem that doesn't exist.”

I continue to shake my head. She smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She wraps the needle in a red bandana, opens the middle drawer of a large jewelry box and places the needle at the back. She opens the top, takes out a small glass pipe with a rounded bulb, a white substance in the bulb. “I shouldn’t tell anyone but here I am.”

She picks up a small Bic, lights it, and gently swirls the flame around the bottom. The stuff inside melts to a liquid, she puts the pipe end to her mouth, slowly she turns the bowl left to right. Slowly, slowly, careful not to turn too far so nothing comes out the small hole at the top... She is inhaling the smoke as it travels up the pipe. She releases, repeats, release, repeat. Again, again, again. She takes a little baggie from that top drawer, a small straw, slips a little more into the end and taps it into the hole at the top of the bowl... Lights, rotates, inhales, releases, again and again and again. How much can her body take? She hands the bowl to me and I wrap it in a black bandana. I return it to the jewelry box.

“I should have set the bowl down,” she said slowly, laying back on her bed. Her arms are stretched above her head, legs dangling over the edge and swinging back and forth. I gingerly sat beside her, and then lay beside her. Our heads touch, my right temple to her left and I could feel her arm twitching above my head, she reaches and twirls the ends of my hair in her fingers. “I shouldn't have inhaled.” I looked up to her mirrored ceiling, and see a reflection. Long brown hair, unwashed and greasy spread out around a small face. Colorless eyes surrounded in hurt, mouth drawn in a frown. A twitch of the nose, a shake in the hand. A small body, too thin. But, only one.

There is only one body. One reflection. Mine. I looked beside me, and she was gone. She was never there. I sit up, rubbing that twitching, shaking hand over my unwashed brown hair. I reach for the bowl, rotate it over the flame slowly, wait for the smoke to fill, inhale slowly.

Again

again

again

My reflection hates me.

And I don’t know how much more I can take.

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take me back

to the night we met

You were laying so close but I desperately needed to feel you closer, closer, please closer still! I felt as if I would burst out of my very skin each time your breath fluttered across my lips, as though the sun was exploding inside of me every time your fingertips grazed my skin. It was an eternity before you kissed me, but when you did...

When you finally did, my whole world paused. My thoughts collided and shattered like fireworks, my heart stopped, my throat closed. My lungs failed to work and I was lightheaded as if I was in a place with no air. If I hadn’t been laying down my legs would have given out. My whole being turn inside out, and then right again, with a dizziness so heavy I couldn’t regain myself quick enough. And I wonder...

The way you tasted, the way you felt, the way your hands held my hips, the way your eyes held me captive... And I wonder... I wonder, would you let me lay next to you sober? Would that happen if you kissed me sober?

I wonder, wonder... if I were sober, would your lips own my soul?

take me back, to the night we met

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the best gift

I stood beneath the trees in your front yard. I had to distract myself from your hands, your strong back, your smile... So I listened to the world, to the crickets, I opened my eyes to see the shades of green in the leaves, the branches twisting, the bark dark and wise, and I was happy. I felt peace. Smiled for a moment, I felt you look, turned to meet your eye and you gave me something that will forever be the best thing anyone could ever say to me.

“You’re just over there smiling at the sky and trees. You’re always so damn happy, always smiling.” I laughed, thinking you were making fun of me... but you went on. “You know, the world would really be much better place if people were more like you.” You were smiling but your tone was serious.

I didn’t respond, I didn’t even say thank you. I didn’t know what to say. I remember not so long ago, I wasn’t sure if I would ever smile again, I didn’t see beauty in the sky, didn’t feel peace in the breeze, didn’t hear love from the leaves rustling, didn’t know what this feeling was, never a moment in my life. Now, I do and I never intend on letting it go. A huge part of finding the let go is because of you and I thought you should know that.

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If I’m not the only one getting your attention, I don’t want it

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kiss her, again

He was obsessed with the shape of her mouth. Not just when she smiled, but also when she was angry or upset or sad or excited. Every emotion she felt could be read by the set of her mouth. He could taste what she felt every time he kissed her. Her happiness was orange, bright and startling. Her anger was grey, like the beginning of a dangerous storm. Her sadness was black, because it swallowed her whole.

He was obsessed with her hands. Not just the softness of the skin, but the way she moved her fingers when she talked. The way they looked so delicate and out of place in a world of intense pain. The way they ran over his skin, raising goosebumps like Braille.

He was obsessed with her throat. The way it smelled of vanilla, and tasted lightly of salt. How it would arch when she tilted her head back to laugh, and how he could see her heart beat wildly when he kissed her there.

With her lips cold and unmoving, emotionless, he wasn't sure he could go through another day. She was the reason he felt. With her hands motionless, he didn't know if he could handle another day without her touch. With her heart beat gone, he knew he wouldn't be able to kiss another throat without wanting to wedge a knife into his ribs.

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Socks and Things

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Take Two... Another Fail ;) But hey, its my life.

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Take One... Is that how they say it?

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Did You Just Smell My Butt?

I have absolutely NO IDEA how to blog. Ha. Not a clue. I do not know how to tumblr. I don't know what it is, or what I'm supposed to do with it. I know that  it's spelled wrong and it drives me insane. It is spelled tumbler. There is an 'E'. What is so hard about adding that? 

Regardless, I do know that I have so many thoughts and ideas and randoms things running around in my head that I can't just leave them there. My hand cramps when I try to keep a journal, and my thoughts run too rampant to try and write a book. So, this is the next best thing. I shall consider this an online journal. A place I can share anything on my mind. Some of it will be true. Some of it will be ramblings. Some of it will be venting. Some of it will bore you to tears. Some of it will have you laughing so hard you poop your pants. I don't know... I am a stay-at-home mom of a 5-month old who happens to sleep a lot. I'm bored. Judge me. I don't care. (: I'm sitting behind a computer. Haha.

So anyway, I am going to be posting a lot of random stuff at first. I don't expect a lot of followers... But it would be cool if I got some!