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#it's so... fundamentally upsetting#even though i knew this for a long time#to have it confirmed time and time again that your own parents#don't know a thing about you#and that your own parents don't love you and will not ever love you the way you wanted them to#i'm genuinely deeply hurt by this for understandable reasons but#it's funny#i knew this#and yet still i try#no more.#i'm not trying anymore.#they don't love me in any meaningful way.#it is what it is.
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here's the thing: i do the exercise. i get a reasonable amount of sleep, all things considered. i drink the water. i eat the food. why the FUCK am i still like this
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every day i expend SO much power talking myself down from the brink. i wish people appreciated this more (aka at all) and maybe stopped getting on my case for doing nothing all the time
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#i am thinking very hard#i am thinking that high tide is 3 hours from now#i am thinking that i am underweight and not very big#i am thinking that my music stand is several kilograms of solid metal wrapped in a bag with a strap#that it may be carried by#i am thinking that i am a strong swimmer - strong enough to carry this stand with me#i am thinking that no matter what i do my life will never be better than this
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took it personally because I never would’ve done it to you
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reblog and put in the tags if you ever been into a 3 people friend group and does it go well
#usually i end up in quadruples#4-man gangs#unfortunately something always seems to go sour btwn me and one person so ultimately we become a 3-man#this is a case study of only two groups though#which says something abt my sociability but whatever#i'm not a statistician
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god damn it m4tthew m3rcer
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My life is one big compilation of “I don’t need friends, they disappoint me”.
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Who else has a gift for luring new acquaintances into declaring their mental illnesses and insecurities? I’m like the Broken People Whisperer and I deserve a show
#a huge mood#and also whenever it happens i'm like#fuck's sake#did i even ask#if you wanted something other than 'that sucks dude' from me then you should've gone to someone else
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being in your twenties is like "is this it? is this really it? is this gonna be the rest of my life forever? is this really all there is? is this all i have to look forward to? is this it until i die?"
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currently being kept alive only thru the power of sunk cost fallacy
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it’s starting to look like dying is my best option for the future
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