celestiialmoon444

[celestiialmoon444]

[celestiialmoon444]

Ninerose :)

[celestiialmoon444]

[celestiialmoon444]

rare vent art from a few months ago

[celestiialmoon444]

12/24/2023, 11:40pm

i haven't felt consistently this shitty since middle school. i don't know what's wrong with me. i spent the entire time we were at my aunt's for christmas eve trying not to cry, and spent the entire car ride home silently crying in the back seat hoping my dad wouldn't notice.

nothing has felt real for a very long time now. i think the last time i actually felt any genuine emotion was when i saw jinkx on tour back in july. i'm just going through the motions and even that is hardly meeting the bare minimum. every day feels the same because every day feels like nothing.

i don't like that i'm 20 now. 20 is too old to still feel like a little kid on the inside. i'm running out of time to grow up. i want my mommy but i don't know if my mommy is ready to bear the burden i've become.

i feel like esther from the bell jar (see the fig tree analogy).

i don't feel real. i feel like i don't exist - not in my own life, not in anyone else's. i'm just an outside observer, bashing her head against the glass trying to join in but no one sees her. or maybe they do but no one cares enough to open the window.

i've decided i don't like my online friends and i don't think my real life friends like me. i want to just disappear, go somewhere else, start an entirely new life from scratch, but i feel like i'm trapped. i don't want to be this person anymore or live this life. it's too complicated.

i could go to sleep and not wake up tomorrow and i would be perfectly content with that. at least i feel like that until i imagine what it would be like for the people who keep living after me. i don't want to be a burden. but living and getting older and trying to figure out how to be an adult and find success and joy in a world that doesn't care is too difficult.

[celestiialmoon444]

Eve after the Fall (an ekphrasitc poem)

I had never thought

About what lies beyond

The Garden I once called

'Home'

I'd always assumed

I would stay there forever

Living in paradise

Safe and sound

Yet as I take in

My brand new surroundings

I can't help but notice

How cold it is here

Standing alone

With nothing to cover me

Aside from the hands

I was given by God

To think the same Lord

That was once so kind

Could be so vicious

And cruel

As to cast me from grace

For one simple mistake

Made under guidance

Of His own creation

[celestiialmoon444]

"college is the best years of your life" "college is for meeting new people and expanding your mind" wrong. college is for discovering new types of grief. also the timeloop

[celestiialmoon444]

"they should be at the club" "they should be at the farmers market" "they should be at the public library" well i should be in my lovers arms but im not am i. life is full of disappointments

[celestiialmoon444]

[celestiialmoon444]

in another life i would have really liked just being locked in the saw bathroom with you

[celestiialmoon444]

[celestiialmoon444]

If you don't believe that crystals can keep away negative people in your life you've obviously never thrown one hard enough, my personal favourite that i recommend is called brick

[celestiialmoon444]

put me back in the oven i am NOT done baking

[celestiialmoon444]

every morning i wake up & get my coffee & i recite in my head this excerpt from ‘invitation,’ by mary oliver:  “it is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in the broken world.” & i just say it over & over again until it sticks to my mind for the rest of the day. it is a serious thing. i am alive. i am so lucky. this fresh morning i get the chance to live again & again & again

[celestiialmoon444]

i just love that i logged out of my twitter account and now can't get back in bc it's asking me for a backup code that i do not have

[celestiialmoon444]

good morning internet currently thinking about how much i need jinkx monsoon and/or bendelacreme hosting snl in my life

[celestiialmoon444]

haven't cried to the point of nausea in a while. this sucks.