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[ceiling-vents]

“Hello!” “Good and you?”

I don’t know about you but this happens to me much more than I’d like to think about. Honestly it’s pissed me off for the longest time. Whenever you ask the question “How are you?” Majority of the time you aren’t really asking it are you? Its fucking became a husk of what it once was. Just some formality, at least that’s what it feel like. Its just the new “Hello!” And as I cashier I have first hand experience with this happening. When people ask me “Hi, how are you?” They aren’t really asking me how I am. And they don’t really care about my answer either. They are just asking it because its a formality at this point! If I say anything other then, fine, good, alright or something innately positive it just kind of break the norm. Hell even saying something jokey get the same thought. They don’t really care they are making fake conversations. Some customer doesn’t wanna hear about how shitty my day or life is. They wanna hear the “Good and you?” and be done with it! I mean as a stranger what the fuck are you meant to do when another stranger tells you they have a shitty day? Beside well “aww sorry”, “it’ll get better” or just awkward silence? I really would rather you say nothing. I tried of saying “hello!” And the only response is “good and you?” It all because asking how someone is, is just some kind of formal hello! You didn’t hear what I said but you automatically assume it was asking you how you are! I purposefully don’t ask how a customer has been because I don’t want to be asked. Because you don’t really care and neither do I. I only ask when prompted. If someone firsts asks me I will return it. Because its a learned formal greeting. Its just annoying. Like the phrase lost the impact it once had. You’re only asking to say that you did. I don’t know it just really rubs me the wrong way. When I truly ask how are you doing? I mean it I wanna know what’s wrong. I wanna help you feel good about talking, whether its good or bad. But Jim the customer over here is only asking me so there is no silence. Sorry for the rant its just whenever that happens it just reminds me that those words are empty now.

Until the next time I right, bye.

[ceiling-vents]

But I had said "Well I am mentally ill". which she reply like "Oh, well aren't we all." Which don't even get me started on how much this phrase pisses me off. Like ma'am you have no fucking idea. I AM MEDICALLY MENTALLY ILL. I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED!! Yeah everyone is a little fucked up in their own way BUT I LITERALLY HAVE MULTIPLE MENTAL ILLNESSES! Then I just whisper to myself about how I am also unmedicated. I ran out and don't have the money to pay for more. Which may be another reason I had the breakdown but anyway. And for the rest of the night I just kind of stand there hating myself and the fact I couldn't fight my own emotions.

So uh that's kind of it. I know its been while for those of you who exist but anyway. Hope you are having a better day than I did.

See ya later reader.

Unwanted Mental Breakdown

So I work as a cashier now a days. They obviously taught me the important things on the first day, but somethings you can only teach when it happens. Like what to do when you get different types of checks. Some you give back to the customer, some you keep. Well when this nice lady had given me her check my machine kind of ate it. It seems to be fine when I opened it, but apparently it caused it to skip the prompt that tells me whether to keep or release the check. So my assumption was to release. I have learned today that I was wrong. The lady’s bill was around $90 and I had two choices. Try and pay it in full, or they can take a part of my check. I was obviously upset and distract by this. But what else am I meant to do? So I just say take it from my check. And I thought that was it. Well my brain thought not. Of course I dwelled over it, who wouldn’t? But it seems my brain thought I was under reacting. So trying to stop the tears and that gross sad face. I was doing okay. It was a hot day so I passed off the tears as sweat for as long as I could. Until the fucking dam broke. I have no idea what was coming over me. Now was not the time brain! I'm still at work! My only thought is that being in a rush where I didn’t have a second to even think to myself didn’t aid me in my emotional distress. In fact it may have been why it happened. I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t hold it in any longer as I tried to punch in the barcode for eggs since it got scratched off and the machine wouldn’t read it. She kept asking me if I was alright and if I need a minute but I honestly just wanted to ignore it. I felt the outbreak was unnecessary but I couldn’t make it stop. What makes me feel worse is her kid even felt bad for me and asked if I needed a hug. I honestly didn’t but… I don’t know I guess I wanted to make her feel like she helped? I’m not sure what I was thinking, I just wanted to stop feeling like I was humiliating myself. My co-worker noticed me and just told me to take a minute in the bathroom. So I did, there I continued the fit. Feeling stupid, idiotic and humiliated. I kept the lights off and just sat on the floor, crying and hiccupping. I called my fiancé I desperately needed someone to talk to. Someone who would understand and someone I felt comfortable telling this. He was also at work so again, feels bad man. He picked up asking what’s wrong. (I never really call him if I’m at work.) I was hiccupping trying to tell him what happened. And he got extremely worried. Saying how he’ll be there in five minutes and how he’s going to take his break. Deep down I guess I did want the comfort but surface wise I felt it would have made me feel stupider. It did help though. I told him about it and he was trying to say how it would be okay. So there I am him and myself trying to calm me down. And here comes my co-worker who tries to tell me, in the nicest way possible, that I am needed upfront. and there I go back upfront with puffy red eyes and a reddened face helping check people out. Then I see my boss come walk up next to me and I just know she's going to try and ask me if I am okay for try and make me feel better. Which won't make me feel better at all. In fact it will make me feel worse, because two things may happen. 1. It reminds me of what made me sad 2. It reminds me of how I couldn't fight my own emotions. Both with just bring the emotions back and make me feel worse. And something about the way she said what she did. Both her tone and the words she chose. Just made me feel like she was being condescending. Almost in a demeaning my feelings kind of way. Whether I was really feeling that way or not. It just irked me. She then said that I was weirdly sensitive. Then that things she thinks would upset me don't upset me and things she won't think upset me upset me. What was I meant to say to this? Honestly?? She said something else and I don't know what compelled me to say this maybe I was more talking to myself.

[ceiling-vents]

Unwanted Mental Breakdown

So I work as a cashier now a days. They obviously taught me the important things on the first day, but somethings you can only teach when it happens. Like what to do when you get different types of checks. Some you give back to the customer, some you keep. Well when this nice lady had given me her check my machine kind of ate it. It seems to be fine when I opened it, but apparently it caused it to skip the prompt that tells me whether to keep or release the check. So my assumption was to release. I have learned today that I was wrong. The lady’s bill was around $90 and I had two choices. Try and pay it in full, or they can take a part of my check. I was obviously upset and distract by this. But what else am I meant to do? So I just say take it from my check. And I thought that was it. Well my brain thought not. Of course I dwelled over it, who wouldn’t? But it seems my brain thought I was under reacting. So trying to stop the tears and that gross sad face. I was doing okay. It was a hot day so I passed off the tears as sweat for as long as I could. Until the fucking dam broke. I have no idea what was coming over me. Now was not the time brain! I'm still at work! My only thought is that being in a rush where I didn’t have a second to even think to myself didn’t aid me in my emotional distress. In fact it may have been why it happened. I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t hold it in any longer as I tried to punch in the barcode for eggs since it got scratched off and the machine wouldn’t read it. She kept asking me if I was alright and if I need a minute but I honestly just wanted to ignore it. I felt the outbreak was unnecessary but I couldn’t make it stop. What makes me feel worse is her kid even felt bad for me and asked if I needed a hug. I honestly didn’t but… I don’t know I guess I wanted to make her feel like she helped? I’m not sure what I was thinking, I just wanted to stop feeling like I was humiliating myself. My co-worker noticed me and just told me to take a minute in the bathroom. So I did, there I continued the fit. Feeling stupid, idiotic and humiliated. I kept the lights off and just sat on the floor, crying and hiccupping. I called my fiancé I desperately needed someone to talk to. Someone who would understand and someone I felt comfortable telling this. He was also at work so again, feels bad man. He picked up asking what’s wrong. (I never really call him if I’m at work.) I was hiccupping trying to tell him what happened. And he got extremely worried. Saying how he’ll be there in five minutes and how he’s going to take his break. Deep down I guess I did want the comfort but surface wise I felt it would have made me feel stupider. It did help though. I told him about it and he was trying to say how it would be okay. So there I am him and myself trying to calm me down. And here comes my co-worker who tries to tell me, in the nicest way possible, that I am needed upfront. and there I go back upfront with puffy red eyes and a reddened face helping check people out. Then I see my boss come walk up next to me and I just know she's going to try and ask me if I am okay for try and make me feel better. Which won't make me feel better at all. In fact it will make me feel worse, because two things may happen. 1. It reminds me of what made me sad 2. It reminds me of how I couldn't fight my own emotions. Both with just bring the emotions back and make me feel worse. And something about the way she said what she did. Both her tone and the words she chose. Just made me feel like she was being condescending. Almost in a demeaning my feelings kind of way. Whether I was really feeling that way or not. It just irked me. She then said that I was weirdly sensitive. Then that things she thinks would upset me don't upset me and things she won't think upset me upset me. What was I meant to say to this? Honestly?? She said something else and I don't know what compelled me to say this maybe I was more talking to myself.

[ceiling-vents]

Um, Hi

Hi again! It's been some time now. Lots of stuff have been going on. I moved! And it's been different and weird. It's been probably over a month and sometimes I still think I'm gonna wake up back home. I've gotten into something call shifting. Which has in turn made me better my life. Sure in the beginning it was for shifting but now I know I need to better myself just to better myself. For my mental health. I think moving helped too. Just something different. Then I got back into meditation which has been very nice and calming. Been working on my anger and it's been working. Read a nice little book call something like dealing with the small stuff and it's all small stuff. It was very helpful with learning how to control and calm my emotions. I've also been interested in astral project al very interesting. I haven't been able to do it actively but still nice and a good time to reflect. Well I'm not sure what else to write about at the moment but I'm hoping to keep up to date this time. Well I guess I'll see you guys later.

[ceiling-vents]

Twitter, Fuck you

short and sweet twitter removed my account of 10 years just because i was 11 when i got it, didnt even get to check my follows ;) but the part the erks me the most is i cant get my name and literally almost EVERYTHING i have has that name. I’m just to upset about so i went to check out my other accounts.

[ceiling-vents]

Regretful Days

I don't go to normal high school. I go to early college. There I have met so many amazing, weird, smart, cool, (gay) people that are my friends today. But this is about one perticular person I know. At first it was just small talks because I knew them from another new friend I made. After a few months we started talking like buddies and as time went on we had gotten super close. Just funny sexual tension kinda close. We never did anything because I wasn't ready nor did I think I wanted to be with them... Boy was I super wrong. After my second year at the early color in the back of my head I contimplaed a relationship with this person but I never activitly aceppted it. Still hung out at school punched them (they never minded because I guess I can be a slight sadist sometimes and they seem to be a masochist (not the sexual way kinda shit) but I never SUPER hurt them) texted and other junk. Next year I actually started to comtimplated but never brought it up and things went on as normal. But now on my fourth year they seemed to have clinged on to another person. Me and this person are friends since middle school. I'm not mad at this person I'm just kinda... Jealous??? I guess that's the word. Because my buddy doesn't act like he does towards me like they did. And I get it everything doesn't revolve around me. That's why I stay silent and think about it. I think about and contimplate do I really like them? Is this just jealousy? Am I too late? What am I feeling??????? I still feel full of regret because a few years ago I sad "you know we wouldn't be together right?" And we both agreed. Now I regret and rethink. Will they still like me back? Did I fuck up? What am I to do now... God I'm confused and just full of too much depression and emotions. Peace the fuck out boys

[ceiling-vents]

So it seems we are slowly getting to the point were we can record dreams cool right? But what would make me drop my jaw is if we could record the voices in our heads. If we were to do that, that would be mind boggling. You know that voice you made up that you can't find anywhere? Well record it! Show it to your friends. That voice you gave you favorite book character? Share it with others! See the differences you all made. It could bring on a new thought of 'deeping meaning' It's just a thought but to me an interesting one.

[ceiling-vents]

[ceiling-vents]

Take it like a Champ

This statement has sentimental value to me. And for somewhat of a silly reason at that. One day me and my ex-boyfriend ,who is gay but still my best friend, were going to a theme park one of the large known ones. I believe it was Kings Dominion but I honestly didn't care where I was it was just nice to be with him. I went with his family as a guest be as I was the girlfriend at the time. It was amazing and fabulous and all the more the most terrifying yet greatest day of my life. I rode all types of rides ,faced my fear of heights and went on the Farris wheel ,and got quite some excersie. After this wonderful day of fun and fear we began the ride home which was long ,bringing us into the night. As because we were young and haden't figured ourselves out yet we somewhat assumed the male dominant and female submissive type relationship. So whenever in a car with him I would lay my head in his lap. It was fine ,I was even able to catch a few z's before my mother called. Then I stayed up but continued to lay in his lap. In the middle of the long car ride home he had a sneezing fit. Since I was in his lap I was basically in the splash zone of his sneezing but couldn't move out if the way because of his sneezes. So I sat there for maybe 20 sneezes or so trying my best to cover my face from his nostril germs. All the while his step-father and mother said "Come on! Take it like a champ!" I believe to lighten the situation and make me laugh a little. Well it worked I thought it was funny especially during round two of the sneezes. So from that day when ever he sneezed in front of his parents they smiles and told me "take it like a champ" and we laughed as we recalled that fateful day. When ever that phase is said I can't help but think of that day. It's meaningful to be even if I was covered in gross nose juices. Even though we aren't dating and he isn't attracted to me like that I still love to think of that day and how happy and lovey we were to each other. Honestly it breaks me inside to not be able to be with him ,but he can be with whom ever he wants to be with and I'm NEVER gonna stop him. He's my best friend and I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with him. But that's okay. I don't know how I feel that maybe he read that. But anyway Thank you for reading it was a random thought that popped in my mind. Read ya next time

[ceiling-vents]

Pokèmon GO Anti-social

When you live in more of a urban area you can't really catch as many pokèmon as other people. Maybe one here one there. That's how I am. But for me I'm somewhat fine with it because I really don't see other people so I don't freak out if I have to talk with them. Now where my home is literally unless I put down a incense all the pokèmon near me spawn in my neighbors yard. Now that's totally fine because I'm friends with them. They don't really know that I go I to their yard to catch pokèmon but I don't think they would complain. I honestly think they kinda understand since their granddaughter is kinda like me but younger and we are friends. Just a few minutes ago though one of the owners of my neighbor's house was mowing the lawn, now they both have a front yard, a back yard and a "back house yard" I guess I could say. I just went out to get an exeggcute because I'd like more exeggcute candy. Although I really wanted it my neighbor just so happen to be mowing and someone was over cleaning their car so I panicked. I wanted the pokèmon but I really wasn't in the mood nor mental state to talk to someone. So what I did was watch where everyone was and just wait. They finally went in their back yard and I ran for their front yard caught the pokèmon but it froze. Now normally for me if that happens it auto catches it but I may have heard it escape but didn't now because the game was still frozen. So I go back in my house and restart it shows me that I didn't catch it. I put my shoes on again go outside and do what I already did wait and run but as I was catching it their husband was walking and he might of seen me. So I turn around and pretend to have not seen him quickly catch the exeggcute and run back home. To sit in my chair and come back to my Panic! At The Disco music among other things. Sorry I hav'nt been posting I'm trying to, just other things are going on. Thanks for reading though Read ya' next time

[ceiling-vents]

Tornadoes

Have you ever been in or around a tornado before? I have let me just say it is one of the most terrifying thing. Not scary, not fearful but to me just terrifying. More than that though it was beautiful. I just loved it so much. All at once the rain came pouring down. No warning of such no slowly starting to rain. The thunder… Which I hate lighting and thunder for … reasons but really it was so beautiful but terrifying. Thanks for reading this. Glad you still enjoy what I'm doing Read ya later

[ceiling-vents]

I can feel my heart cry

I recently have figured out that I am bisexual. So I thought its a good idea to tell my lover that. When I told them they were scared (not because i'm bi he pointed out that I should say that). They didn’t need to be though but they are. This morning I could feel my heart churn and twist in sorrow. I walked to the school sidewalk waiting for a bus to pick me up to take me to MY school. They were coming up to me and … they didn’t seem themselves. They almost unnoticeabley I guess I’d call it “twitched”. When they talked to me … I could hear the tears almost flow out. I of course want to know what’s going on with them. They are so wonderful, so kind, they act so happy and I love that. But to see them … like that. I can’t stand it. I ask if they are alright they just say no. They told me that they were thinking about stuff on the bus about me. Then they started to bawl out crying. I … I can’t stand that I CANT FUCKING STAND THAT! They’re crying in front of me, … they’re crying about me. I-I don’t want them to cry over me unless it’s happy tears. I want then happy. So I converted them, I hugged them, I held them tight in my arms. I rubbed their head and back. They couldn’t hold back and cried and cried. Their eyes doing that red thing. I could almost feel my own eye almost water. I want to be able to talk to him like a a best friend. So I wanted to tell him who I thought was cute and “liked” and the stupid me that I am. THE STUPID FUCKING ME used the word crush. Why would I use that word … *whispers to self* stupid stupid stupid! I’m so fucking stupid!. *end of whispering* I LOVE THEM I LOVE MORE THEN I OR FOR THAT MATTER ANYTHING OR ONE COULD EXPLAIN. They read my vents sometimes so if you’re reading this I love you I love you so much I never ever want to lose you I never want to leave you. I want to keep you. I want no one else I DON’T want ANYONE BUT YOU! I ONLY WANT YOU. IM SO SORRY IM SOO SOO SORRY. I FEEL IM THE WORST GIRLFRIEND SOMETIMES! IM SO SORRY I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!! I love you … you make me happy. I literally and completely and really and just always in love with you. You say I’m beautiful you say I’m smart. You say all these nice things to me. You make me feel so special and this person who is … who is… Who … is … loved. You make me feel important and loved. Ummm … anyway … I just wanted to talk. If you are reading thanks … still don’t know why you here but if you want stay and thank you so much. And if my lover read this I love you so much. I will love forever. Always and furever darling I love you.

[ceiling-vents]

Update on stories

It seems that I didn't know you could save as drafts so that's kinda what I'm going to do from now on with my unfinished stories. I never really finish stories so I'm not to sure when I'll upload a real and finish story. Just don't give up hope on me. That's kind of about it. Read ya later.

[ceiling-vents]

Normal Sunday

Get up, get dress, look decent, go to church, go to service, listen to the sermon, get out, greet people, sit on the couch in the lobby, wait to leave, vent on phone, watch friends leave, wait, wait, wait, leave church, do whatever it is I do … Just a normal Sunday. Well normal enough even if 1st service is gone and there’s only 2nd. Still it’s pretty normal. I still sit on the couch and wait. I still bearly talk to anyone and be on my phone. I still sit in a “corner” during service away from everyone else. I’m still awkward although I’m always awkward at that. Every Sunday if I think about it I wait at some point. I could go on a rant of -does a whatever you think a mocking Christian voice sounds like- “Oh its just like oh God wants you to wait” and shit but no. I’m not in to that kind of religious talking. I feel I would talk way deeper and shit but right at this moment I just am not feeling it. Not too much anyway Thanks for reading my thought. My silly stupid thoughts. Read ya next time.

[ceiling-vents]

Bullshit but hey

Hey I’m gonna say this my stories from done to in progress I’m gonna post them and just edit it even if posted. Reason being I was trying to transfer my shit from a small sd card to a bigger one and I forgot to back up my stories witch I’m pissed but I saved some one wattpad. Alothough weren’t most I didn’t care they were nonsense. Although I’m pissed off that one of them was lost I worked hard on it sure some of it I didn’t like but still. I guess I still know the concept of it so I can redo it. Just better in my mind. Thanks for understanding and reading. Read ya later.

[ceiling-vents]

Has anyone else thought of this? There are literally people in the world who haven’t seen such popular movies, or that they haven’t read famous books. I just heard in class that someone hasn’t at least seen Harry Potter. In no way am I saying that it’s bad there are people who haven’t seen it. Its just you don’t normally think of it, well I don’t at least. This is what this person said when dignifying that they haven’t seen it “Who has three hours to sit down and watch people goto a wizard school?” If you haven’t seen it alright but you haven’t seen it and judging it as such? Anyway with book to me it means more. Books are so important and interesting. Like with me I haven’t read “A fault in out stars” yet. My sister has the book though I have to admit though I’m just kinda lazy in all honesty. Still I haven’t read it I want to though. Speaking of faulting our stars. DON’T BE A STUPID PERSON AND RUIN STUFF FOR OTHERS!! I can not express how much I hate for people that give spoilers when they have a CHOICE not to. I mean when the book was at its peak of popularity I saw many people have it. So of course it came up in a conversation with one of my former classmates. Before I even knew barely any of the chapters, plot, or what has even begun to happen this person ruined it for me. I just said I haven’t really read or finished the book yet. They immediately said … I’m not gonna say it in case someone who is reading this hasn’t read the book yet but they spoiled a BIG part of the story! And it pissed me off! What satisfaction do you get from doing that besides being a complete dick? What’s the point. If someone hasn’t seen or read something don’t just tell them! If they asked for you to say that’s different but really it’s evil. You deprive someone of that exciting or sad or great feeling of seeing and learning it on their own!

I honestly don’t know why I did this I heard something in class and I wanted to type about it so it just turned to this. I guess that’s alright I feel I should make a blog about my stories that I write to vent and maybe for my venting of feelings as well. Hmmm…

[ceiling-vents]

Powered off

All I was going to talk about really was how my power was turned off and that stuff. Then I thought of the title and it made me think more then just that. Plus it would be kinda boring to just talk about how my family and I were waiting for power. Eating bags of chips, me on Tumblr then yelling at my mom for her laptop because I forgot I had shit to do in my online classes. So how about something more interesting. Think about this: How long have you been on your device today? What five to twenty minutes, a few hours, maybe so far the whole damed day. Maybe you just get on your device for personal reasons like to type or to draw maybe it to communicate with others or vent like me, or maybe it's just for your entertainment quite possibly it could be all of them or more reasons. Whatever it is its what you do. As for me most of my life I've been on my computer all the time, sometime even at school. I mean hell at school sometimes we HAVE to use laptop and even our phones! Is it all that bad not exactly no it not that bad. *coughs on cookie that tastes gross* -ahem- I mean yes for many reason its bad. We have it though so why not use it. All I think is if you use it every day of ever week just take a break like one day of a month or whatever you think go outside breath the air. Unless your air isn't good then kinda just sit back and read it something. That's what I try I stop using my phone and laptop and draw or write on paper even try to read. Being on a device isn't all bad we have why not use it just the thing is don't OVER use it. Be health and stop even if its for twenty minutes or a few hours that totally fine just have some time away. Also you know you have all the rights in the world not to do what I say I'm just suggesting is all nothing more then saying it. I mean if you have friends try and see if you can hang out with them. If you can't or only have internet frineds try talking to them get to know them better I don't know something as such. Thanks for reading this. You had nothing that was forcing you unless there was then why? Anyway I'm just glad though that people actually read this even if there aren't that's ok. Just thanks for it anyway.