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dear diary-

i slept through most of today; woke up at 2pm dull (which is different than 2pm sharp), feeling the body-heavy-ness that comes with slumbering far past the usual time.

i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, a lot late nights writing notes to my morning-self, giving reminders and tasks that would otherwise be forgotten until the next 4am.

i've been out of one of my medications for about 2-3 weeks now, and of course it's the one that (in the words of my psych) "combats the darkness." unfortunately, despite knowing that its no longer in my system, it took me until about 3 hours ago to realize that, hey, maybe i have been sadder lately....... really makes you think.

other things that i've been thinking about include: love (of course), songs slash noises from my discover weekly, whales, story telling, & this believer article interviewing Andrew Garfield.

he talks about his experience of grief after losing his mother.

"You're in a realer version of the world now, and it's painful."

I don't even have words yet for the feeling this article pulls to the surface of me. I'll keep chewing, and maybe it'll come to me, maybe it won't. I keep telling myself it's okay either way. I won't know the words until the words come, but the words aren't the important part. The feeling is, and the feeling doesn't need a name to be felt.

All that being said, of course, meaning: I hope you are alright, and that you sleep easy tonight. Listen to the wisdom of the earth.

With all my love,

Reuben

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2-4-22

i finished reading Steal like an artist by Austin Kleon today. it was good. 4.5/5 stars

now i want a digital desk and an analog desk though. it literally sounds like it'd be so helpful to my practice......!!!

i have a small desk and it's......well, small. i like to spread out when i work, but that clearly isn't happening on my like 1.5x2.5 foot desk thats crammed into the corner? so maybe i make that my digital desk? idk i'm still marinating on the idea.

anyway healing is going well. i'm getting annoyed with the lack of arm-usage, but it's okay- i'll survive!!!! something i've noticed is that now that my arms are out of the picture, i want to do arm related things a lot more. things that i very much should not be doing while healing from surgery, like basket weaving, or baking bread, or using my arms anyway.

funny how that always seems to happen.

but also I COULD MAKE THIS LAMP SO MUCH COOLER!!!! WEAVING MY OWN BASKETS INSTEAD OF THOSE CHEAP PLASTIC ONES COULD YOU IMAGINE!!!!!!!

A. and I are gonna have an art piece for a house. just you wait!

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today's gender is dark blockland bedroom. just so you know

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2-2-22

(loving the twos rn)

as i am recovering, it's becoming more and more clear to me how much more....bearable this pain is. I'm uncomfortable, sure, but i can bear it. Gladly, i will bear it, because this pain has meaning.

when i was still in college, i went up to boston, mass. to visit some friends and go on a roadtrip together up to my favorite natl. park in maine (Acadia!). on the very first day, i attempted to ride a skateboard for the first time and failed so miserably that i was left with an unset broken ankle for over 10 days before I could get surgery.

this pain is something different entirely, becoming almost inexplicably soft, and tender. when i move my arms, the pain reminds me. when i twist to sit up, the pain reminds me. when i look down, i'm reminded that all of this, all of this uncomfortable-ness

it's all okay- because it means i'm healing.

-

i read my cards for the month (using Jewitch's Lillien Deck btw, which is amazing) and was told to pay attention to my negative self talk— which is fair, considering i don't really like to think about it.

i do realize i'm very hard on myself. I'm trying to be better about giving myself grace. I can't grow if i don't have any wiggle room, y'know? right now there's nowhere for these bony elbows to go. this should change.

february's theme: two of cups (reversed)

self-love.

here's a handy diagram i found:

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2-1-22

yesterday, i had top surgery.

yesterday, i had things on my chest that weighed me down— things that haunted me, hurt me, hurt my back, hurt who i was and who i became. today, i do not have these things anymore.

i feel like a fuckin' butterfly, Lord, like i've shed myself, snake-like, cicada-like, a being of new skin made from old.

aaaand i just realized i forgot to take before pictures as reference.....oops lol

A. has been taking care of me, and has been doing a lovely job of it, too. I'm grateful. that's all i can really say- that i'm grateful.

it's true, too. i've never been so full of these feelings before. I'm joyful, grateful, thankful, just full. i'm practically overflowing.

i cant stop smiling.

all day.

my cheeks hurt more than my tender underarm muscles, oh my god, and i wouldn't have it any other way, either!

it's true it's true it's true. i want to take my younger-self by the shoulders and hold her until she sees it too, that it's possible to love and be loved back.

everything is so lovely. i want to hold onto this moment for the rest of my life. i want to hold onto this joy for as long as i can.

when it leaves, i won't let it go easy. it will leave with claw marks all over its surface, gifts from my fingers begging it to stay just a little longer.

of course it won't stay forever. i know this. it's okay.

i know it will come back.

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