cecilitou

[cecilitou]

i've carved out a home

for my flesh to rot,

away from the blinding lights

and unabated murmurs of monotony.

here i will die the million deaths

i dream of in the daylight,

and smile and laugh as i fall and fall and fall.

[cecilitou]

thunder struck

tinder lays damp

our monuments are silent,

powerless

[cecilitou]

my pillow hides no dreamy diary,

underneath is only sere futon

and unyielding ground

[cecilitou]

climbed mountains

fall away beneath my feet,

washed away to the sea

by the pouring rain

[cecilitou]

the shingle rooves

ring sharp with the rains

unavowed

[cecilitou]

February 14

Alone or in love,

I expect too much

so that I never receive enough,

and I break my heart a hundred times

in dreams of pasts unrealized

and futures impossible.

[cecilitou]

My daylight dreams are not daydreams,

but dreams of deep sleep despite the shining sun.

Drawn shades would dampen the warmth of the day,

giving way to a mockery of the stillness of night,

and in this stillness, I would sleep

and toss and turn in my restless dreams

of hope and songless winter birds.

Not like the freely flowing love of summer songbirds,

the winter waxwing's cries are sparse and unheard,

yet no less sweet.

I long to know its silent cries,

to hear its heart, so often inscrutable

and feel its warmth from the unwavering wick,

that I might understand how it loves.

Have I ever truly loved?

Unwilling muses come and go,

and I profess my love to the stars,

the flowers, the oceans, the hidden, the liars, the nameless, the winters,

and sometimes they accept

and sometimes they agree

but have I ever truly loved

or been loved?

[cecilitou]

as i tried not to weep

the crescent moon grinned

in the frigid night.

[cecilitou]

something so simple:

holding a hand.

it puts my heart in a tumult.

i'll never be content with myself.

i'll never hold my own.

[cecilitou]

i've dreamt a world for you to live in

a cold and kindly world, sere and sunless.

here your tears fall as gentle as snow

never making a sound,

[cecilitou]

i found that i am not entirely human, and a strange calm seemed to wash over me. everything and nothing made sense, and i thought about dazai: was this catharsis what he felt every day of his life? i was surrounded on all sides by all kinds of people, but only i stood alone. the sea of bodies undulated and laughed and crashed and cried out, but i stood on an island, alone. alone i stood and alone i stayed, until i washed myself ashore. there was no great pain in this departure, yet my body seemed to create tears on its own, as if it had expected a stronger response. the tears fell, but in my heart i felt nothing at all. my voice quivered, yet the usual pain had not come. have i finally shattered into the million pieces i wanted to become all those years ago? gather me up in your arms, and you'll find room for two hearts in the shell of my being.

[cecilitou]

like an awl's piercing

i have found my way into your lives.

and i shrink myself away

knowing the hole will be sealed,

forgotten.

[cecilitou]

As autumn's chill compels the trees to weep their lives away,

so too do I shed my colors with the changing of the seasons

and flee for poignant flames of longing

and hope.

[cecilitou]

Allayed by you, not by gods, is what I wish: if not for you, would flames of searing passion now lick tortured flesh?

Heichu Monogatari

[cecilitou]

i find that in reality we all are more similar than we seem. our cries are unheard and ever-present, echoing in a room too dark to see each other. our scars lay open and bleeding, far before and long after we etch relief into flesh.

it seems so calm just after, like everything has stopped. the air grows light and the weight in my chest mercifully falls away. sometimes i run them under the sink, watching blood drain away with the water. it stings, and i look myself in the eyes in the mirror.

the tissues i used to dry the blood lay crumpled in a pile, folded together into a beautiful white rose stained with drops of red. i could fall into a deep sleep at that moment, as i lay on the carpeted floor, staring up at the ceiling, unblemished and unending.

i feel your pain, even if only a fraction. i have wept for you, i would do anything for you. i love you. i love you even if you hate yourself and think everyone else does too. i'll always love you.

[cecilitou]

I insisted the nights were mine

as the sea beneath my pillow

grew ever more overcast.

[cecilitou]

malaise fills my heart every night as i try to sleep

something's wrong everything's wrong

the world conspires against my every action

and every moment spent with others is mired in laughter

yet happiness continues to elude me

i am unhappy and i couldn't tell you why

why why why?

there is no respite from a pain i can't identify

i'm so afraid of everything and everyone and i can't do it

i wish everything would stop

i wish the night were forever