catt-eia

[catt-eia]

I ruined everything... the trust, the relationship, and the peace :(((

[catt-eia]

i find it hilarious to be deeply aware that no one seems to like me romantically— no one shows interest, no one confesses, no one pursues. i love it, i really do, knowing that i can't be able to love romantically.

[catt-eia]

i hate the fact that i am not a teenager anymore. aaargh, i'm getting older yet myself is still trapped for being young because of inner child that hasn't been healed.

[catt-eia]

yay, 2 decades for me.

[catt-eia]

December, I belong to you. In a year, you were the last one to be felt, but it was as swift as a flare of the sun, and now you are perched on your throne.

My early memories are gradually returning. I envisage myself smiling delightfully as I receive plenty of gifts, hugs from loved ones, the serving of my favorite dishes, and copious greetings. As a child, it has always made me happy to experience sentimentality for even the most basic things. I do not want to feel that way again, however, or miss the things I yearned for when I was young as I get older—as my years in this world become more extensive. I simply got up and thought, "I'm glad I made it to December," because throughout the year, all months will always have a day where I'm on the verge of giving up. I ended up coming to you rather than waiting for you to start showing up. I don't know, but the days I spent with you were all dull. It seems meaningless and arduous to get out of bed and carry on with life. My heart is as frigid as your season, which is exasperatingly so. Perhaps some perceive you to be a joyful month, but I don't; I would like to ignore you. I have never wanted to celebrate, and I would rather not. I would not want to spend time with you since I no longer feel like it, even though you come once a year. Maybe I've been cursing my existence ever since, and I'll presumably never stop. I have the perception that "birthday" is an hourglass. There is a possibility that every time a year is added to one's age, it will eventually turn into a candle that is slowly flickering out. It is inevitable, but you're just not sure when. December, I have a desire to come back home. I want to see candles instead of balloons, a prayer instead of a birthday song, mourning instead of sheer delight, and a coffin in place of a dinner table upon my very day of leaving this cruel world.

If wishes come true, I could only ask for one thing: to vanish and be forgotten.

[catt-eia]

how many times have i tried to forget about you...

but you kept besetting me each single day, for you reminded me of anything; the clothes, the paintings, and even the songs that i tend to listen shouts for you.

[catt-eia]

EVERYTHING'S GETTING OUT OF HAND!

[catt-eia]

jeez, i am overwhelmed. i've made this on my own and edited it manually!

[catt-eia]

how did i allow pain to kill me?when i was murdered, i felt the stabs on me, and the blood of my traumas overflowed.

[catt-eia]

is this some kind of hell? the way i feel bumps of needles and threads piercing my inner being, seeing droplets of blood flow through my skin, while my mind drowns beneath it. have i lost these decapitated thoughts, where my pieces vanish with the cuts and wounds i've committed, and the scars are tattooed on me where my sentiments are invalidated? my mouth is stitched with truth, yet it's all forced to be locked by your lies. i've heard it all, and i've lost my sense of hearing, for i've become deaf to an unexplainable silence. whispers, shouts, and screams – i've done them all to make you hear my plea for help. but then, i am unheard, forgotten, for i am unalive and yet— was murdered on the day i was born.

[catt-eia]

If I were to lose myself, could I transform into a butterfly and flutter away? leaving my troubles behind like a wistful whisper of a dream, casting off the weight of my existence, and soaring on delicate wings—to where the horizon kisses the infinite sea of bliss?

[catt-eia]

To feel love is to find a home in the heart of another, to be cherished and understood, to know that in this chaotic world, there's someone who truly cares.

[catt-eia]

there are moments of our lives that we can't come back to, and reminiscing is what's left for us; it's either that we began to embrace the present or that we buried ourselves in those times—that we forgot who we are now.

[catt-eia]

you blamed life for this:

the way it caused you too much pain,

as if it were etched within your heart,

piercing your innermost being.

though you felt the world loathed you,

as if rusty metal chairs were

bolted onto your feet and

in a well of untold truths,

your bloody mouth lockstitches

beneath phantoms of tragic memories

that chase you through running errands

in the sea of maggots.

words can't express.

words themselves can't explain

how despair is making you numb—

making you empty,

making you drown in blues.

you ask the moon with its wings

to let you fly,

yet you have no glint

of hope to believe in.

in your wrist and in your hand,

cords are well-tied

when you ought to ponder

that to hail in life,

to hail in death

is full of bruised lies.

perhaps when you go through

every depth and surface of life,

you'll know that blues aren't shallow;

they have been drowning you in suffering.

for you,

there's no way,

there's no solution,

and there's nothing to believe in anymore.

for despair doesn't forbid you to live nor die,

but it was cursed,

made by memories of yours that go by.

[catt-eia]

In worlds where shadows fiercely clash,

There lies a force that turns dreams to ash.

'Tis chaos, wreathed in dark allure,

A never-ending tempest pure.

Through fleeting moments, it does persist,

Unleashing havoc with a twist.

In every tale and life's display,

Its presence lingers night and day.

No chains can bind this tempest wild,

Its thunderous roar, relentless, styled.

In uproar's dance, it takes its stance,

A fearsome storm, it does enhance.

Beware its grip, its deadly might,

For chaos rends both soul and light.

Within this maelstrom, all can see,

The ruin it leaves, the pain set free.

Yet, in this storm, find strength to stand,

For growth can spring from tempests grand.

With courage bold, face the hurricane,

And through the chaos, new life attain.

[catt-eia]

In this world, you've lived so long, it seems,

You question if life's purpose is this way,

To suffer, born, and bound by somber beams,

Each day a struggle, hoping for a ray.

Through hardships and through trials, you've tread,

On the brink of giving up, you've stood tall,

Yet still, you're here, you've faced what lies ahead,

Success, a distant goal, you shall enthrall.

But what is success, if not your state of mind,

Beyond mere riches and achievements grand,

It's finding joy in every step you wind,

And holding on when life won't go as planned.

Success is not a destination's end,

It's progress made, through failures, you transcend.

To rise each time you stumble or you fall,

And turn mistakes into your guiding lore,

To learn from every obstacle, stand tall,

And let your spirit grow, your heart restore.

In passion, love, and kindness, you find wealth,

Not measured in the treasures that you store,

But in the way you touch another's health,

And make a difference, ever more.

Success is not the end, but just the start,

Your journey of the soul, a work of art.

[catt-eia]

From the whispers of owls in the night sky,

The cold, breezy wind snaps you up,

Standing on the peak to bid goodbye,

No one's there for you to stop,

"Come, I'm waiting for thee"

"You're the only one I need,

Come, together with your scythe and hoodie,

Because this is my final creed."

You have walked through it in its darkest hue,

Knitted with unsettling deep noises,

Death, he's the only one you pursue,

They would offer you candles and prayers,

The chromatic memories that pass along the valley,

As the teardrops of endless bliss,

Carved the past gone through in the alley,

Enthralled by the seraphic kiss. 

Cuts through your wrist are your tattoos,

You're trapped in bewildered sentiments,

You beseech thee for your status,

With your wilted letters filled with laments,

Drifting through a plethora of miseries,

It tossed the tranquility that slumbers within you,

Revealing the darkness of pigments,

It took you on a dreadful journey.

 

You sought the love you ought to do,

And perspicuously elucidating,

These shallow waters are true,

All the while, you thought you were dreaming,

Maybe he'll wipe your tears away,

He'll hold your hand and bring you to eternity,

For so long that you've gone astray,

Hopeless; you're done with this uncertainty.

All the pain you've uttered

As the wind caressed your skin,

Holding a rope, standing on a chair,

And there you are— hanging,

There he found you smiling;

You seek thy love with cries,

But you're still breathing,

Yet, you've closed your eyes,

And everything went black,

You're with him in hades.