catsknow - Tumblr blog

[catsknow]

Holy hell

I've been trying so God damn hard. Just reading through my recent posts here, I'm trying so hard to get people to like me, I didn't realise how lonely I've gotten. This lockdown has hit me.

I feel like I work hard at relationships in my life, but they slip away from me when I'm not looking, and I'm so insecure that a step back feels like a mile. I just want to know everyone's okay and happy, I feel like people lie when they take that step back. Some friends I know would call me in tears if something was really wrong, and some... I just wouldn't know. It's very possible this was triggered by mum being in hospital and not telling me. Time to relax. Let it go. They can all take care of themselves.

[catsknow]

I’m revisiting this because I can feel things becoming a bit muddy again. It’s been a while, and that’s probably a good thing, really. I starting streaming again, and I am not sure I like it? I’m definitely meeting more people and being more social but again... I’m not sure if I like it? They’re all great people, but my mind is feeling very chaotic and some of my old methods of coping are setting in, being suspicious/judgemental, having arguments with people I barely know in my head because... I don’t know them and I just expect resistance in certain cases.

My partner has been working 7 days a week, I’ve barely spent any time with him and when we do, it’s usually watching TV. We don’t play video games together at the moment, I think because they’re not all that fulfilling for either of us right now. I really miss him, and I understand that this is what him studying is going to be like. I will do my best to be a good partner, and it isn’t the worst, we’re spending time on ourselves right now and that’s okay. It feels a little strange though, there’s definitely a slight disconnect, but I know when we can be present, we will be. 

In saying this, he’s still being pretty darn wonderful 100% of the time. I came to him with the idea of taking a pill that’s similar to testosterone that might help with my endometriosis and he was instantly supportive, didn’t miss a beat. The pill isn’t going to work out unfortunately as it can cause permanent changes to your voice and I like singing so it isn’t a risk I’m willing to take. I think I’ve been so terrified that if I dare present in more masculine ways he’d reject me or find me disgusting, and it’s a relief to know he wouldn’t. I feel like I am getting more of a chance to be myself, even though I know a lot of people in my life are still very attached to the picture they have in their heads of me. 

I’ve been thinking a bit about two of my old friends that I cut off contact with. For once it’s actually been helpful to think about because I’m beginning to feel calmer and less like I did anything wrong. They had a very idealised version of me in their heads. The one thought of me as this gentle, sweet, whimsical girl, I have half a mind to think he was picturing Luna Lovegood whenever he thought of me. Any time I went against that he would reject it, what’s worse is he had an even more extreme way of idealising our mutual friend. She could mistreat him in whatever way she wanted and he’d go “That’s just her” or blame himself for it. At first I felt bad that I’d pushed him to the point he cut off contact, but really I just showed him that I’m not perfect, and he didn’t like that I didn’t strive to be his version of it. I thought they were the two people that knew me the best in the world, and that their rejection meant I was a terrible person, but now I think that knowing a person isn’t as important as letting them change and grow. They knew me once upon a time, sort of, and that was all they knew and they were very attached and disappointed when I grew up. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my gender, whether it’s even all that important. The only people I know that are nonbinary are either not in the same state as me or are kind of aggressive about it? I understand why, it just seems exhausting. I don’t love that being nonbinary basically means you’re basically invisible or people think you’re a joke etc etc but being pissed off doesn’t change anything. I have my friends that understand it, but I also have friends that don’t, and I don’t hold that against them - it’s different, they’re afraid of getting yelled at or taken the wrong way etc, they don’t understand why. I’ve been considering using they/them pronouns but trying to enforce them is unlikely. I honestly don’t mind she/her pronouns, I’m just very aware that for as long as I use them everyone is going to see me and be like “Girl” unless I make a conscious effort to appear more masculine and I kinda can’t be bothered because the more likely thing is that everyone decides I’m a butch lesbian and still think “Girl” when they see me. 

In saying all this, I told a friend I know through my partner that I’m gender fluid and she was super wonderful and said “Thank you for sharing with me :)” and my heart got so God damn warm and fuzzy I cannot. I think people don’t understand that when you come out to them, you are stepping out of the closet, you’re telling them who you are, and risking rejection. You’re trusting them so when they shrug it off or are just kinda meh about it they do not get the mind journey you have gone on before telling them. I agonise over it, I still haven’t told my family and I know my sisters would be great about it but just on the off chance, I don’t. Because once I do I can’t take it back. 

I need to go to a therapist about this, and I’ve made the calls but I think everyone in the city is in need of a therapist so there’s a wait. I’m becoming much more comfortable in who and where I am, but I think I’m still a bit sad and lonely. I’m not finding as many like-minded people as I’d hoped. I’m finding some good ones, but I’m still wary. I really want to connect with more people, I’m just so tired and building new friendships is incredibly tiring to sustain for me. I feel like so many people can spend five seconds in presence of others and be instantly loved and I feel like I walk in and am easily forgotten? Or just, too many sharp edges? I’m not sure what it is, maybe they can sense that I’m not entirely comfortable. I think I should step back from streaming, maybe do two streams a week instead of three. I like that it’s holding me accountable and I’m getting things done, but it’s not giving me connection with people, and I almost feel guilty for asking people to watch me do fuck all. 

We’ve covered a lot of ground in this post, and I’m glad I’ve started to unpack some of it. None of this is simple, it’s a raging mess tbh and my feelings about it still have some warping and changing to do. I think I need to spend some time either alone or with people I can talk candidly with. I’ve been spending a lot of time around people I’m trying to make a good impression on and it’s really tiring. I just wanna BREATHE!

I think I’m going to make an effort to limit my social time, and maybe give myself a chance to reflect on whether streaming is right for me. Maybe it’s just what I’m streaming? Perhaps I need to stick to cosplay/art, listening to 80s music and working on foam felt pretty good honestly, and I’m finding video gaming is more of a private activity for me? I like to explore things on my own and just... Relax. I don’t want to entertain anyone. I think I’m going to assess this a little more and try figure out what feels best to me. 

Okay, goodnight tumblr! 

[catsknow]

I need to remember that meeting people with understanding and kindness feels right. Distrust and suspicion - doesn't feel right. It feels like a distraction from what's actually happening, a coping mechanism for when I'm not sure what the right thing is yet, or when I don't have the will to see other people's perspectives. It's okay to wait until it becomes clear, I don't need to make a judgement in every moment, I can take care of myself first and they'll understand that. And if they don't, it's just an experience they're unfamiliar with, which might be frustrating, but is not malicious.

[catsknow]

484 cases today.

Still not safe to leave the house.

I can't. I can't think. My symptoms have been steadily getting worse. I can't go to the appointments I need to, telehealth only. It's just getting worse and I'm losing mobility. I need air.

[catsknow]

I've calmed down a little after a lot of ups and downs, mostly prompted by pain I still can't find an explanation for that I'm satisfied with. I've been sick for do long, would I even know if I had cancer? Would it just blend into everything else?

Taking space is going well, I'm getting more comfortable being idle and there's a bit less chatter urging me to push myself when I know I'm unwell. Pacing. Doing something, ten minute break, do something else, ten minute break. It's going okay, things still hurt but I'm less scared. I do a lot of stretching.

I worked on my cosplay today, it feels good to be creating and THAT be the aim. I don't need approval, I don't even think about it like I usually do when I'm trying to do something creative. I don't care if people understand me. The value of it isn't decided by whether or not someone else likes it.

All this time I've just wanted to connect with people. I just want to make sense and be accepted.. maybe that's why I obsess when I don't understand someone? Because maybe I think they just want to be understood and I want to give them that.. I need to let go when I'm not getting it. I don't need to give people everything. I'm still fighting the part of me that's scared of being forgotten, it's why time alone is good. I can be an afterthought, I can look after myself and I don't need to be reassured.

I know the type of people I want around. People that cheer each other on. People that don't hesitate to help one another up. People that value kindness and trust and respect each other. It isn't so simple, but I think maybe I have some of that in my life already.

I think all this time I've looked to others to tell me if I'm a good person, to tell me what the standards are. If I'm not well-liked, maybe I'm an awful person? Surely popularity = goodness, right?

I just hope I'm doing the best I can.

[catsknow]

You NEED to get out of this. Your friends are you friends. They like you, they're giving you your space because that is what you decided you wanted. They'll be there when you decide to chill, it's nobody else's responsibility to chase after you but it is your responsibility to speak the fuck up if you don't like something. JUST BE HONEST JESUS

[catsknow]

I've made a decisions. Stepping back isn't easy (Lord knows my brain thrives on literally ANYTHING happening, even if I have to make it happen) but I know I need to. I don't need the little electronic reward nonsense my brain gets from every react, I just need to take some time to put some value back into my life, maybe actually make some things I'm proud of.

I thought it was about ableism, or my friends not respecting me, or a bunch of things but really it's just not the right environment for me. I want to put myself in spaces that help me grow and learn, not spaces that just have me questioning myself constantly. It's nobody's fault, it just isn't for me.

[catsknow]

I think I’m approaching everything the same way I’m approaching my hair this pandemic. I can’t make a decision so I’m just letting the regrowth keep on growing? Like? Doing nothing is a decision in itself I guess?

I’m so tired.

[catsknow]

I have a hard time stepping back when I know I'm getting hurt unnecessarily. I know what's best for me, but sometimes I feel like everyone is thinking the same thing and I just...

No, thank you.

[catsknow]

It's my first post! Meow and welcome :)

I've made this because not having a therapist is tricky, and I need to have something in writing that holds me accountable, calendars just ain't doing it for me. Health budgets shouldn't be a thing.

#prepareforthought #mentalhealth #universalhealthcare