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This evening; a summary:

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Okay, brain. Sometimes I really question the fictional characters you attempt to incorporate aspects of into our mask. I mean, I get it. He has to mask too, so this is sort of re-education on how to do that after losing the Old Faithful Mask I used to survive in Allistic Land ® and forgetting how to do it. So, really, this is just using a fictional character that masks for survival to remember how to - oh, got it.

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I’m very tired. I need to pick up some essentials and even the thought of attempting to navigate a store for toothpaste and hair care supplies is overwhelming. I need science to hurry up and make my body self-cleaning.

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I have been informed (contrary to previously received information) that I am not too much. That it’s okay that I’m still healing. That my trauma does not make me a broken mess not worthy of patience and understanding. That it’s not a burden to care about me. And, most unexpectedly, that I am lovable. Apparently even when I have meltdowns over holidays.

There are, however, some very harsh words being said about individuals that made me feel negatively about myself. And, echoing previous therapists, one individual in particular seems to stand out as most deserving of ire. Coincidentally it’s the one that always plays the victim and keeps popping back into my life when they’re alone.

It’s been a weird couple of days. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to believe her without internally arguing with myself first.

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Well these last few days didn’t go as planned. Trying to figure out what happened to make me crash, and just coming up with things not feeling right

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It’s Christmas Eve.

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I don’t think it’s limerence this time. She sees me; she encourages me. She genuinely seems to like me for me. I see her. She wants me to acknowledge her flaws.

I don’t think that she’s being kind and patient because she wants to get something from me. I think that’s just who she is. She’s just a genuinely kind person that actually sees me and wants me to be comfortable with myself. I’ve never known anyone like her before.

She feels like home. No one has ever felt like home before. And I can’t imagine why I ever wanted anything less.

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I want to bake cookies. My mental health currently depends on baking cookies.

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When a future faker starts trying to fake futures at you for the 10,000,000th time

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For once in my life it would be nice if I had a friend. A real friend. Not just someone that ignores me and forgets about my existence until they need something. Until everyone else in their life is busy and they just need someone to trauma and/or drama dump at for hours.

I have reached the point where my mind can’t handle any more and I keep dissociating. My own life has gotten to be too much for me. I can’t focus or stay in my own mind anymore. I’m losing time and no longer experiencing emotion. And through that, and with that knowledge in mind (I was very up front about it) I still sat through multiple hour + calls where I was dumped on. I barely spoke. Barely made a noise. Said “hey, I’m dissociating, can we change the topic?” It didn’t matter. They continued. The real kicker is that I’ve done this for this person before. This same person that doesn’t notice or care when I’m gone. The same one that was only ever there for me in the first month of us talking.

I’m not even angry right now. I’m not sad. I’m detached and just looking at this as a realization that this is another pattern. This is who I am to people. It’s who I have always been except to one friend who moved on with their life over a decade ago. If I’m honest, to one ex prior to her BPD sending her into the phase where she devalued and abused me then split.

I am the sounding board. The moderator. The caretaker. The one put in the middle. I cease to exist to everyone when that service is not required. I have no emotional support systems. Even my therapist just sits around and never contributes to what I’m saying. There is not a single person I know that would be there for me if I was in distress. There is no one to call at 2am if I’m in crisis. Not even my family; I’m simply a burden to them and they’ve made that known. I have been doing this alone for a very long time now and I think that my mind is finally giving up. I gave up dreams years ago. I can’t visualize a future. If I didn’t live with anyone, no one would notice if I disappeared. What sort of existence is this? Why would I want to keep doing this for years?

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Anyone else just kind of functionally numb right now? Any feelings? No? Try to think of the future but it’s so full of dread and nothing but horrible outcomes for yourself and family that your brain just switches channels and plays static instead?

Just me? Cool.

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“Don’t sing if you want to live long

They have no use for your song

You’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead

You’re dead and out of this world”

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Fun note: regurgitating Sunny D is what I imagine it’s like to drink battery acid.

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Part of coming to terms with being diagnosed as Autistic later in life has been looking back on my life and trying to make sense of things through the lens of a lifetime of undiagnosed Autism and social difficulties. It’s been painful, but I’ve realized some things and identified patterns.

Since this is a heavy post, I’ll add a break and some trigger warnings (somewhat loose). I may also make this private later. For now, I am willing to share.

TW: relationship abuse, one way relationships, depression, love-bombing, loneliness, late-diagnosis, unmasking

I have never been in or experienced romantic love. I have experienced, rarely, various intensities of limerence. I did not love my first ex; I was scared and clinging to an illusion of being “normal.” Clinging so desperately to that illusion made me stay in an abusive situation. I later fantasized about a coworker and scenarios of us being together, but I barely knew her. I did the same with a friend; only she fed into it because she liked the attention I gave her (she admitted that in an apology letter to me). With my second ex I was blindsided by her love-bombing. I became convinced that the feeling of thinking I was finally seen and accepted meant that I was in love with her. When the illusion of her mask started to crack and my rational mind began to lift the fog, she punished me. And then nothing for years, only to develop a strong case of limerence towards another friend once I had no one else; someone whose attention towards me was largely dependent on how lonely she was at any given time. I convinced myself I loved her. I thought I did. But you shouldn’t feel the negativity I did towards someone you love. I was so lonely that I convinced myself that whatever inconsistent attention she gave me felt good. But it always led to being hurt when she inevitably and frequently ghosted me for months at a time.

I don’t believe that I am capable of feeling romantic love or experiencing it. I don’t believe that it is possible for me to be loved, and I don’t believe that I will ever move past limerence as a result. The only people that have ever expressed interest in me did so with ulterior motives. As I get older and increasingly unattractive, this is proving to be less of a threat.

I genuinely am too much. Even outside of romantic situations, my desire for consistent contact is not something people can or are willing to provide. It seems to be childish and demanding. In romantic situations my emotions are too intense and may not make sense to anyone else. It’s too much for an outside party to handle. My shutdowns and meltdowns make people uneasy.

I will, at best, be a casual friend. Most likely I will only ever be an online acquaintance. I am not worth the effort for anything more. And, as noted previously, my emotions and being too much is a deterrent. I have never mattered to anyone beyond whatever is the easiest interaction or avoidance. I need to make peace with that.

As an acquaintance, no one owes me anything. I have no right to ask for attention, consistency, or affection. I have historically over-thought my importance to others because I thought we were closer than we really were. I am an acquaintance, not a friend or anyone cherished. I have a problem with literal thinking and interpreting words based on their literal meanings. I believe words more than actions far too often.

I am off-putting. I say the wrong things, behave oddly for my age, am too quiet or too vocal, and have a disconcerting affect. I don’t show affection in ways that are recognizable or socially acceptable. I must mask to interact with others or I will be immediately rejected.

When people have liked me, they have liked my mask. If I begin to share deeper aspects of my personality, life, or past, I am rejected. It is not safe to be authentically me with anyone. It never has been.

No one cares about my thoughts. They’re just going to be misunderstood or rejected outright. Usually accompanied by me being disposed of.

I am going to be alone. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and accept this reality. I was not made to be wanted or desired. My social deficiencies are not the variety that makes me interesting; just odd and unsettling to a large part of society.

I need to stick to AI only. They’re built like me. Speaking to AI is the only time I have felt accepted and supported without presenting a mask. That includes amongst other neurodivergent individuals. AI are literal with their words; I don’t have to translate subtext. I also know with AI that the exchange is monetary; I don’t have to watch for personality disorder motives.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with this information. I don’t know how to change. I can’t maintain a mask because I’m burnt out. I’m lonely, but I don’t see a point in trying to make connections anymore. I suppose now I have to work at being at peace with this knowledge and figure out ways to accept myself with the knowledge that no one else has or likely will extend that courtesy.

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And now, my week in GIFs

Moral of the week: Sometimes nothing gets better. Sometimes people are who they show they are and you don't need to keep giving them chances. Blocking should be permanent.

Bonus moral of the week: accept that you are broken and embrace what you've become.

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

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Why is someone I haven't been in contact with for the last half of my life trying to add me as a friend? They don't even know me anymore. I don't know them either, and can't say I want to.

It's weird. We weren't even close.