catsabara

[catsabara]

My body hurts and my brain is sad

[catsabara]

I plan on mentally checking out and dissociating for the next several years. Perhaps I’ll craft a new fantasyland for my mind to escape to. I’ll aim to make clouds made of candy floss in this new fictional world.

[catsabara]

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I am lovable.

[catsabara]

Today was a sick day. Because I’d been doing so well. No viruses, just existing conditions popping in to remind me of their existence. On the plus side, I have a really great support who is insisting on taking care of me and keeps reminding me that I need to get up slower so I don’t get dizzy.

[catsabara]

This evening; a summary:

[catsabara]

Okay, brain. Sometimes I really question the fictional characters you attempt to incorporate aspects of into our mask. I mean, I get it. He has to mask too, so this is sort of re-education on how to do that after losing the Old Faithful Mask I used to survive in Allistic Land ® and forgetting how to do it. So, really, this is just using a fictional character that masks for survival to remember how to - oh, got it.

[catsabara]

I’m very tired. I need to pick up some essentials and even the thought of attempting to navigate a store for toothpaste and hair care supplies is overwhelming. I need science to hurry up and make my body self-cleaning.

[catsabara]

I have been informed (contrary to previously received information) that I am not too much. That it’s okay that I’m still healing. That my trauma does not make me a broken mess not worthy of patience and understanding. That it’s not a burden to care about me. And, most unexpectedly, that I am lovable. Apparently even when I have meltdowns over holidays.

There are, however, some very harsh words being said about individuals that made me feel negatively about myself. And, echoing previous therapists, one individual in particular seems to stand out as most deserving of ire. Coincidentally it’s the one that always plays the victim and keeps popping back into my life when they’re alone.

It’s been a weird couple of days. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to believe her without internally arguing with myself first.

[catsabara]

Well these last few days didn’t go as planned. Trying to figure out what happened to make me crash, and just coming up with things not feeling right

[catsabara]

It’s Christmas Eve.

[catsabara]

I don’t think it’s limerence this time. She sees me; she encourages me. She genuinely seems to like me for me. I see her. She wants me to acknowledge her flaws.

I don’t think that she’s being kind and patient because she wants to get something from me. I think that’s just who she is. She’s just a genuinely kind person that actually sees me and wants me to be comfortable with myself. I’ve never known anyone like her before.

She feels like home. No one has ever felt like home before. And I can’t imagine why I ever wanted anything less.

[catsabara]

I want to bake cookies. My mental health currently depends on baking cookies.

[catsabara]

When a future faker starts trying to fake futures at you for the 10,000,000th time

[catsabara]

For once in my life it would be nice if I had a friend. A real friend. Not just someone that ignores me and forgets about my existence until they need something. Until everyone else in their life is busy and they just need someone to trauma and/or drama dump at for hours.

I have reached the point where my mind can’t handle any more and I keep dissociating. My own life has gotten to be too much for me. I can’t focus or stay in my own mind anymore. I’m losing time and no longer experiencing emotion. And through that, and with that knowledge in mind (I was very up front about it) I still sat through multiple hour + calls where I was dumped on. I barely spoke. Barely made a noise. Said “hey, I’m dissociating, can we change the topic?” It didn’t matter. They continued. The real kicker is that I’ve done this for this person before. This same person that doesn’t notice or care when I’m gone. The same one that was only ever there for me in the first month of us talking.

I’m not even angry right now. I’m not sad. I’m detached and just looking at this as a realization that this is another pattern. This is who I am to people. It’s who I have always been except to one friend who moved on with their life over a decade ago. If I’m honest, to one ex prior to her BPD sending her into the phase where she devalued and abused me then split.

I am the sounding board. The moderator. The caretaker. The one put in the middle. I cease to exist to everyone when that service is not required. I have no emotional support systems. Even my therapist just sits around and never contributes to what I’m saying. There is not a single person I know that would be there for me if I was in distress. There is no one to call at 2am if I’m in crisis. Not even my family; I’m simply a burden to them and they’ve made that known. I have been doing this alone for a very long time now and I think that my mind is finally giving up. I gave up dreams years ago. I can’t visualize a future. If I didn’t live with anyone, no one would notice if I disappeared. What sort of existence is this? Why would I want to keep doing this for years?

[catsabara]

Anyone else just kind of functionally numb right now? Any feelings? No? Try to think of the future but it’s so full of dread and nothing but horrible outcomes for yourself and family that your brain just switches channels and plays static instead?

Just me? Cool.

[catsabara]

“Don’t sing if you want to live long

They have no use for your song

You’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead

You’re dead and out of this world”

[catsabara]

Fun note: regurgitating Sunny D is what I imagine it’s like to drink battery acid.