catless-and-covenless

[catless-and-covenless]

08/12/2025 Tuesday ((Episode 40- In Game: Written before Xochitl goes to sleep.)

[[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

Apparently I need to expand my knowledge of musical theater. I knew it was the one area I didn’t have too much expertise in unless it’s in movie format but I didn’t know it was that lacking. And I want Nate to talk about his new hobby. And I liked seeing him talk about something he knows more about than me. I think it’ll make him feel more like we’re equals. And Credence was good and lively and sweet and alive and safe. I felt a part of me feel better about seeing that.

I knew he would be safe with Gil but there was still a part of me that worried. Even if something in me felt-it’s so stupid to feel upset. It’s so dumb to be jealous over Credence. He’s mine and he is allowed to hang out with other people. He is allowed to dress in clothes we didn’t get together. He should be having these experiences. And I need to trust that he and Gil won’t get into trouble they can’t get out of. Even if I need to rapidly learn to be normal around him.

He doesn’t want to kiss me and I know it’s dumb. I know I’m pretty. I KNOW I don’t need a boy to think I’m pretty. But all I could think about was his face when he saw my hair and I just kept brushing it back and then all I could think was about how stupid I looked constantly touching my hair. And I just wanted to get out of there. I was endlessly happy I brought Nate so he could be a distraction for both of the boys. Just enough so I could run a time frame by Kine and set it in stone.

Even if what Nate said was still playing on loop in my head. I really need to talk with Gil but I felt so conflicted about it. I feel...so much. So with everything in my head, I decided it would be best to leave before I just blurted out that I needed to talk to Gil and just blurt out the plan and how sorry I was to have pressured him and that I can take no and I’m sorry about asking for-Even now all I can do is blabber. And not just smoothly talk. And not smoothly and succinctly explain everything. It’s times like this I envy Credence. It must be so freeing to just be able to be able to fully express yourself without worrying about what people will think and have it work out for you. To just go and kiss multiple people without having to worry about…It’s not his fault. And I am so happy he is getting every experience he wants. But I just wish everything was easier.

I feel like every time someone even gets close to me all I can do is appreciate the warmth and play with fire but not step right in. Which is a horrible metaphor but I started typing it so we’re going with it.

I was just grateful to be right about Catherine. To have someone just agree and even though she was worried about it she fully supported me like Credence but more. She isn’t holding me to any standard. She just sees me. It was the easiest conversation I think we’ve ever had. I wish I could have seen Iredess. The house though…everytime I think about how it became suffocating, like I was in it’s stomach, especially after someone did try to eat me…it felt like bad luck going in. Especially when Catherin was very insistent on not waking up Iredess.

I know she wasn’t upset or marking her territory but also I didn’t want to push it. I guess a small part of me felt…guilty. The feeding was…it was invasive when it was with other people. And it was almost..pleasureable? When it was Iredess. It felt good even through the pain. And there’s a small part of my brain that feels like it’s obsessed with wanting to go back. With offering that up again. With feeling useful and good and not thinking of anything during that time but I know I can’t explain that to Catherine of all people. I know enough even if I don’t know everything. And it feels almost vulgar to offer if Catherine is there.

So I kept to myself and scurried on home and just….I will need a thousand years to think through whatever I am feeling right now. I know the facts. I know…and it makes much more sense about everything now and just…I feel extra cruel to ask for a kiss when, if his hunger is on par with Iredess’s thirst, I must seem so clueless. I should know better. I do know better. I’m the mythology freak in our group. I know how dangerous everything and everyone si.

But when I think of it I just keep thinking of the fact that now I never have to worry about Abuelo’s bouquet getting hurt ever again. He made it so my last gift from Abuelo is eternal. And how he would rather tear himself apart than hurt me. And how he was crying even through the entire…feeding. I keep thinking about how he carried Iredess so gently and helped them up softer than the rest of us. How he will always care about Cat even when he is frustrated. How he tries to understand me.

And I just…don’t know what to do with that. With this knowledge that I hurt and tempt his hunger when I’m near him but I want to be near him. How the kindest person I know must be always fighting off the hunger of his entire existence and just…Everything feels so big.

Especially when I know I am going to disappoint him with my plans soon.

Maybe that’s my curse.

Everytime I find someone who cares about me and sees me in my entirety I am forced to always just hurt them by being…me. Either by being a temperamental witch or a flirtatious human with a beating heart.

And I feel so stupid being this conflicted over not just Gil but-her. Out of everyone I could have…but like Catherine it’s almost easier because…she has seen my worst and she still remembered my favorite movie time snacks. And she can hurt me so badly but she also knew to play with my hair and it helped me relax just a little bit before class. It feels so dumb. I am thinking about all of this and staring at Gil’s heart by my bedside and worrying about this when I should be worried about the fact that I am the anti Bella Swan and most every vampire and werewolf in this town wants to kill me. And if I mess any step of my plan up I will have to add snakes to that list. And I understood nothing in class which should honestly be my actual focus in a world where none of this was real.

[catless-and-covenless]

07/29/2025 Tuesday ((Episode 39 - In Game: Written and posted as Xochitl is studying with Nate.)

[[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

I’m losing my touch when it comes to my poker face. It’s so weird. I feel just…so much right now. And Nate is so sweet and asking all the right questions but damn it all because I don’t have all the right answers. And maybe it's mean but I just want them to go figure out what's going on with him and Credence or Gil. Because maybe then he'll stop asking me so many questions. Then he’ll be occupied with….actually. If he and Credence are occupied….Credence wouldn't be around for the Kine excursion. Food for thought.

I just feel like I never know what to say now. I don’t know how to comfort Catherine over the breakup…which I didn’t see coming but it’s not like it doesn’t make sense. They both really liked each other and gods dammit all if I don’t feel like maybe if I had insisted she come with me at the party maybe she wouldn’t have…been in this situation to start with.

And I’m making iredess worry for me. Which feels wrong on many levels. But even more so after….yesterday. I might need to lookup things in my books. I know it’s a common myth that it somehow bonds people. But if that’s true then Iredess wasn’t the only one who…But enough of that.

Gil is just…MIA. Which I don’t blame him for but I -I don’t want to think about Gil right now. It feels so confusing and like everything hurts and it’s not like I scryed of have done anything on my end to try and figure this mess out beyond being stupid and asking for a kiss. I must have looked so desperate and just…I don’t want to talk about it or think about it. He got hurt because he stopped himself from hurting me. And I don’t know how to process that. Because it doesn’t change…that much for me. Which probably means Iredess is right. I just don’t want to say something wrong again. And everytime I look at him my tongue gets all tangled and I start just not…saying anything right. And I need to. Because that was serious and…I don’t know what happens now.

And Credence is probably going to get arrested for being with him while I assume shenanigans happen. Or not. He can run really fast. They both can. And just. It’s not like Credence is making things easier either which feels mean. He means well but he keeps brining up the “fact” that Regina wants to kiss me. And I don’t have space to even think about that. To think about what she said when she was being vulnerable. To think about whether I hope she was telling the truth because I hope she was being honest or because-it doesn’t matter. He is my best friend. And he is dating her. And he is happy with her. He wants to date her. If he were normal this wouldn’t be this complicated.

It’s just starting to feel like the only uncomplicated thing right now is honey putting Alex. I know what he wants from me. I know what I want from him. I know what I am and am not willing to do. And I don’t have a crush on him or feel anything for him. Easy. Like he’ll think I am. It’s an easy song and dance for both of us. He gets an ego boost and I get information instead of people off my back this go around. I need to check his social media. Start working the only thing I know I can’t mess up.

I think Catherine and Iredess will understand. And they would probably be the best to make sure I am being safe. Catherine can be in my pocket and Iredess, if the new sleep schedule for today is anything to go by, is nocturnal.

And Nate, he really is wanting the best for me. I hope he signs up for that show. I hope he isn’t feeling as stressed as I am. I hope I can be a good teacher to him.

I wish he could have met Abuelo. I wish Abuelo was here. None of this would be happening if he was here. He would just know something was wrong with me and take me out to the garden and talk to me and know how to make me feel better. He would know how to play with my hair and treat me like his little witch. Never a princess, just a Xochitl. His sweet little flower with sharp thorns and deep roots.

[catless-and-covenless]

07/22/2025 Tuesday ((Episode 38 - In Game: Written and posted as Xochitl waits for Nate to grab his food.)

[[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

I feel so weird in my body today. I managed to get up and sneak off to get ready so the boys wouldn’t offer to help. I was a little sad that K couldn’t stay. K would just treat me without the kiddie gloves and it might help me feel normal.

It was so strange. I didn’t look as pale this morning. Only a little. But between the paleness and the scar that would definitely form under the bandage I felt so…I didn't feel my best. Normally I know I'm the prettiest person around but I didn't feel like it. How could….AC…and no one else.. want me if I look this unappealing? What if it heals bumpy…What if it heals into a white scar? It would stand out so much against my skin.

The paleness at least wasn’t as concerning as last night. More like if I didn’t get as much sleep that night. And the red I normally wear on my lips just made me feel weirdly paler so I settled for a darker shade of burgundy. Normally I don’t think it’s my color but between that and some extra blush I looked at least a little chipper. More normal and less tired.

But even with the vest and collar and bandage, if I moved in certain ways, the collar would move just enough to show the bandage. And my curls hit just above where I needed it to lay. So I straightened my hair. It felt strange. I haven’t done that since middle school. But I thought it looked nice. Almost nostalgic. When things were simpler. When all that mattered was trying to learn how to hydrate my curls or straightening it when I wasn’t in the mood to deal with the curls. All in all I finally felt like maybe I wasn't as ugly or tired as I felt when I first looked at myself. I felt girlish and pretty.

Until I saw their faces. They looked at me like I was…

I have never felt as unattractive in front of my boys as I did then.

They looked so shocked. Suddenly, no matter how much effort I put into my appearance, I felt like I was just being seen with shock or pity or like I was…It felt bad. It felt like when people would just stare at me when the rumors first went out. Or like when they were just staying by the door last night. Like I was a spectacle and not a person.

So I ran. And to make things more frustrating I couldn’t find anything I needed in the library. Maybe I’m just not thinking clearly? I did skip breakfast and my body is still recovering. So probably. I can feel like I have the answers but I don’t have the full capacity to put together the lines. It really is looking more and more like K and I are going to have to go truth hunting. And…..I don’t know if I want Cr there anymore. It was bad enough I couldn’t keep Ir from being kidnapped because my hex didn’t take even though I FELT it took. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if something happened and I wasn’t able to keep Cr safe. And I've seen that it takes so much concentration…It’ll be easier to take care of just myself and K.

And I know he won’t forgive me for going without him and he won’t be letting me out of his sight anytime soon because apparently I am the princess who needs rescuing. So I might just have to…fill his schedule. And maybe see about distracting Grimalkin too. He’s never going to forgive me but- With all those thoughts it really was no wonder I wasn’t paying attention and couldn’t avoid running into her.

Of all people it had to be her. The one person who knows how to get under my skin. But I must really look like a wounded puppy from how soft I was being treated. But she’s not wrong…if there’s anyone who knows what it’s like to be attacked and not feel in your body��or feel like your body isn’t actually yours…I guess it would be her.

And it was nice. To just have someone compliment my hair instead of treating it like I was one wrong move away from a grippy sock vacation. Even if she is ridiculous and can’t help but complement herself when she compliments me. But I left. If I spent even another second in the library I might just ask to skip all my classes to stay with her. I can’t and won’t ever let myself be like that again. I can’t. Because when I make people my suns, nights just feel that much longer. But I do want to just talk everything out. Just have someone who gets it but I don’t…I don’t want everyone mad at me again. And I don’t…I don’t know what to feel. About anything or anyone or even myself.

And class didn’t help. I just felt even more useless. I knew missing one class would end up biting me. And it did. And I still was passing notes. Papa would be so mad at me if he knew I was distracted in class and it was to pass notes. But Ca…Ca knows what it’s like. I think she understood that I didn't mean anything bad about not wanting to be touched. She knew it was about trying to feel like I was back to normal. Even if not touching is…not my normal. It felt like I was making a choice and she listened to it. And she didn’t take it personally. It made being paired up with her even nicer than it normally would have been. At least with Ca she might not see me as just a victim.

And she is so incredibly smart. It’ll be nice to have a class partner who won’t make me do everything. Although I do wonder at the energy shift between her and DR. If maybe I read that wrong. And she doesn’t actually want him? I mean it would make it easier on Credence at least if I don't have to tell him to be careful of DR. But still. My brain feels slower than usual.

I was really thankful that Na just…understood it. He understood what I was or wasn’t saying. Even if he and Cr just need to talk. It feels nice. He’s such a slice of normal. Although I am so proud of him. He really is taking to it like a duck in water to make ointments. He’ll be an even better witch than I will. I can see him being a scrying or white witchcraft focused. Whatever he chooses I just hope he’ll let me enjoy being there to watch as it happens. Speaking of…he’s coming back to the table so I’ll update later.

Later…Ir hasn’t text me back. And they normally do within their own time. But still. I would assume they’re back on campus since Ca seems calm? I can’t explain the tug on my gut. But I just want to make sure they're okay. But! Focus time on Na. Time to focus on the sweet boy.

[catless-and-covenless]

07/15/2025 Tuesday ((Multiple Episodes - In Game: Written and posted as Xochitl winds down to sleep and is listening to music to ignore the other misfits.))

[[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

I want to scream but everyone is here. Everyone is touching me and caring for me and I want to shove everyone’s hands off. I need their help. I hate myself for needing this much help. I know they are only doing what is needed to keep me alive. I want them all to stop touching me. I keep asking to do things for myself and no one lets me. And if they do, then they don’t because my body won’t do what I need it to do. I usually love the sounds of my friends voices but everything sounds so loud and so physical. I feel like I can feel their voices on my skin. I can feel all of them glance at me from time to time.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I was doing great.

I talked to R and even laughed. Even if it made me feel like a hypocrite and a betrayer to everyone who trusts me. Even as I felt like I hated myself it was nice. It was nice to not have to plan. To not have to think. To not have to weigh every single consequence because someone else was already thinking of them. And I hate that she still makes me laugh. I hate myself for not hating the way i still feel. Like I have someone who knows me.

Although I guess I should have realized how today was going to go. I can’t even…it’s so unfair. And I am so selfish and stupid for caring about it. I am selfish for wanting to cry and be angry when I am not the person affected. It’s G. It’s just so…so unfair.

It’s unfair that I can't kiss him. It’s unfair I can’t just focus and ask. It’s unfair I am the only one able to hold him up if he loses control-he almost-It’s just so unfair. Why do i always end up in positions where I hex the people I-I can’t think like that. I can’t. I can’t wonder who’s next.

Even Vampires…we didn’t get rid of Connor or his buddy…

It feels so wrong. The way he grabbed me, The way I had to choose to focus on Gil and not protect myself. I could have. I can. I know I can. I did it all in the beginning. I…but if I didn’t then G…It would have been two things. And he never would have forgiven himself. It just. I felt like prey. Like food. Like I wasn’t even human anymore. I was just…food.

I couldn’t even feel my legs when we got to the graveyard. I had to let everyone touch me and drive me and carry me. I hated it. I didn’t want anyone to. Especially the way everyone was offering. Like I was nothing but a delicate princess with a delicate composition. At least k didn’t negate me. It felt strange being carried by them. I normally never touch them. They hate it but they agreed and it made me feel better. Like someone agreed to me knowing best about me.

And then the second feeding. At least with Ir it was my choice. And it was Ir. Ir would never drain me. Ir cares for me.

It was so…strangely intimate. It wasn’t the clothes or lack thereof it was just…being able to offer myself? I don't know how to feel. Except guilty thinking of Cat. Thinking of how Cat had to watch me embrace Ir like that…it hurts. Everything hurts or feels drained. My pride, my magic, my body. I just want to be alone. To go lay down on the fields with the sun and some food. Bu tI have class tomorrow.

For the first time in five years I wish I was invisible. I don’t want anyone here. All these feelings are too much. I just want to be alone to think and process. But I know it’s safer this way. It’s safer than being alone.

Even if it doesn’t feel that way. I just…want to feel strong again. Not weak and used and abused or pitied.

[catless-and-covenless]

I can’t seem to wrap my head around today and every time I try to go to sleep I just keep tossing and turning. So time for yet another journal entry. Does this place even have a post limit? Probably not. I don’t know what to think.

Cr is sleeping and I’m so thankful. He was so…he’s been through a lot right now. And according to Ir, he isn't a Hollow anymore. So I guess I’m worried about R also being mad. Again. But at Cr this time or thinking we went behind her back to do this after we got her shield down or whatever. I don’t need Cr to be hurt.

Even if he is a silly billy who traps me using blankets. Which, admittedly, was really, really, really needed. I didn’t realize how much magic I’ve been using. I’ve been using it so much more in this past week than I have been in the past year. But I’m glad I had the energy to finally make Ca her altar. And that it helped so much. And she was so so happy. I just hope that…that it helps her feel better? More real. She’s never had a surprise party and it made me so incredibly happy to throw her a little surprise. Although it does make me wonder about how she grew up. Is it a cultural thing? I mean Da offered for me to sleep over that one tie and wasn’t like…actively chaperoning my date with Gil? So maybe it’s like that?

But it feels different. Heavier. But I shouldn’t make assumptions. It’s not a good thing to do. Although I guess assuming the horn honking being Ir can’t be too bad. The noise made me giggle and I can only imagine how and what shenanigans happened to have that effect. I really really hope they like their rocks. I tried to sneak them into my pocket earlier. And they’re not the quartz or other gems and stones I have but they feel more meaningful. Like Abuelo’s Lime tree and the Mal De Ojo bracelet he gave to me. Technically my Quince ring is worth more but those two things mean more to me. And now if Ca is hurt or fading Ir can help if I can’t. Just two beings on the bridge between the abyss and here. Or the ones closest to it. More comfortable.

Although I do wonder what G had to ask? It seemed like everyone kept making comments about it but he didn’t really say anything? No that I would really know how to start. I just…don’t really know where I stand. I think we’re still okay? And Cr didn’t come back telling me we had to leave so I’m assuming the two worked out whatever Cr wanted to mention? He didn’t bring up anything through text so I’m trying not to worry about it.

Or think about what was so important he wanted me to scry when I was alone? Or away from him. I know what happened AT the event and I can’t imagine what he wants me to see…It’s making me nervous. I really wish I was like Na. That I could just be all open and obvious and sweet without any of my hangups. It’s not like I WANT to be like this. I didn’t use to be like this. I just…I don’t know. My thoughts keep spinning I guess.

Especially with what everyone said and mentioned. I don’t even know if I should be writing this. Or using this website. Maybe it’s time to get a physical journal? But that’s always felt so..permanent. Like my emotions are forever locked down into what I write. Like the text I sent. God, I just…everyone’s gonna be mad at me. Except that they aren’t. She was gonna find out regardless and everyone will understand mitigating the offset of anything wrong happening. I am not the center of the world. G was not angry at Ki because of me jokingly flirting with them. I am not the center of the world.

No one is angry at me. I am not the center of the universe.

….I wish I could go walk in the forest. That would probably fix me.

Between the dumbest idea I’ve ever had and the potential blow up and a future boxing match and a future scrying and just the idea of trying to get close to A again is...ugh. I need to stock up on thread again. If G loses I’m never letting him eat any of my cooking again.

I need to dye my hair again. It’s probably full of greys by now. I think I stashed some dye somewhere under the sink. After talking to A it will be my little treat. Which will happen sometime soon? Maybe. I don’t know. I need to talk with Ki. I forgot to nail down a day. But on Ki’s schedule since I don’t wanna make them miss class or whatever.

I forgot to tell G my mom wants to meet him. Well…add that to the to do list.

Thank the gods tomorrow is Tuesday. Or I guess today since it’s so late. I should sleep before Cr wakes up and then claims to be sick and stay in tomorrow just so I can rest. Well. Here’s to trying to sleep. Wish me luck, ancient old blog of mine.

[catless-and-covenless]

05/20/2025 Tuesday ((Episode 32 - In Game: Written and posted as a part two of three as Xochitl winds down to sleep.)) [[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

I hate crying. I hate feeling so much all the time. I just-it took me by surprise. I never did anything to Ais. I never would. So why would she do that to me? I thought she liked me. Or at least tolerated me and respected me as a human. Not like everyone else. She never actively did anything. And now years later she decides to do this. And despite what Cr says could hurt us. Me. Maybe even him. All because he’s associated with me. I’m so tired of this.

At least R had the decency to stab me in the front instead of the back. I’m just so so tired. I ended up crying but I was so frustrated and-it sounds so dumb-heart broken? I was heartbroken that Ais would do that. And for seemingly no reason. It’s so frustrating and I’m so…I don’t want to be angry but I am.

And Ca was so sweet. I couldn't move. I didn’t want anyone to see me and she still reached out. I’m so happy I managed to prepare my surprise before everyone came over. It meant the world to me. And I hope this manages to help her feel better. She looks so tired. And she offered to go looking but I can’t do that to her. Not when it would hurt to know she got hurt because of me. At least she promised she wouldn’t get herself in a pickle. I trust her.

And everyone behaved after that. Poor Cne though. She got so much more info than she was probably planning. And between her and Iv…well…Some things are starting to add up. Although it does make me angry that those pigs haven’t done anything to stop this. I know K must be exhausted. The burden of magic sometimes almost outweighs the benefits.

But we all got the info we needed, and they all trusted me enough to let me heal them. It meant everything to me. They are all so trusting. And I want to keep them safe and earn and keep that trust. Which made me just feel all the more better about taking K aside. I knew it was going to get them worried about me. (Not that I would admit it but I’m more than a bit worried about myself.) But they agreed to take me. To show me, help me and to even stay. I owe them big time. Maybe I could get them a small bouquet of thistles and bluebells? If I remember correctly those are pretty nordic and mean bravery and gratefulness. As a thank you. I really need to brush up on my nordic mythology.

I am a little surprised they didn’t ask me to visit Anya. But also…seeing as how the histories match up I’m also not that surprised. Maybe I could offer to go visit her with them? I can’t promise I’d be any help but I could try.

I hope Ir likes their matching gift with Ca. I think it will help them feel much more comfortable. Both of them. And if I’m ever away at least I know it will help me feel better if I ever can’t reach them. Especially since they seem to spend so much time together.

Maybe that’s what all the yelling outside was about? G and K did both go outside to talk to them both. I wouldn't be surprised if they got teased. And Cat only lets ME tease about that but because we have our secrets together. I can’t wait to talk to Cr about today. At least he would help me get out of my own head maybe about messing up the G conversation and the whole joking around thing. I mean if he thought I overstepped or messed up he would tell me. I hope he knows at least that I was joking. If Cr suddenly can’t tell then I’m actually the biggest jerk alive.

[catless-and-covenless]

05/13/2025 Tuesday ((In Game: Written and posted as a part one of two as Xochitl winds down to sleep.)) [[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

Baking calms me more than cooking does. Baking is an easy set of precise instructions. You go in knowing exactly how much to measure and how much is going to come out and how. Precise, predictable, stable, calm. Lately life has felt more like cooking though.

I start out with the idea of what I want but then something goes missing, or ends up being different, or i thought i had something then don’t. When Ir text me I was so excited. Being around them feels like walking through the woods. It's quiet even with the chatter in such a peaceful way. And I always find new things. A pine cone or a new point of view from Ir. And I was going to maybe ask them how everything was going with classes. They probably are having the same issues as Cr and I can help if it’s the basics. Plus, even if I don’t see a need to “pay me back” I was going to see if they could help me make tea and maybe tidy up my apartment before everyone comes over so they can feel less…I don’t know. But they have made mentions of paying me back and at least this way they won’t feel like they owe me. It really was my pleasure to help out Ir.

I really wish life was like baking. Just…one day. I don’t know why Cr ended up like that at first. Seeing him when I went to go pick up Ir and running towards my apartment made me so worried. Especially hearing them warble on the phone. Having Ir there helped me feel more grounded. If I came up short maybe they could help. I didn’t want them anywhere but next to me. I guess that’s really immature of me. I used to do everything by myself and now, because of Cr and the MBoM I keep looking around for help.

And seeing him reform almost made my heart burst out of its chest. I would not be able to handle it if something were to happen to him. But he feels like he did that day in the graveyard? But also different? I can investigate later but I am just glad he is back to normal. I can’t do life without my honey bee.

And he always knows what I need. So he started the meeting after joking around and helping me diffuse my nerves. I haven’t been that visible in a group full of people in a while. It was a lot of different energies but Thankfully everyone was a little spread out. So if I looked towards Iv and Cne I would see Ir. And Ca was next to G which made me feel so much better. He even let her rest her head on his shoulder. I’m so glad they’re mending whatever seemed to be iffy earlier. And she had someone to hold onto. And G is safe. I get the feeling this many emotions could be nerve wracking for Ca.

And Cr was were he always is. It felt like an anchor. He was where he was supposed to be so nothing could go wrong right? Then K decided to go ahead and Ca and G….I-I don’t want to be frustrated but it felt like Ca and G were just itching for a fight. And G just wouldn’t let up. It’s not like K isn’t trying to help them and I can understand not wanting to make the passing over traumatizing. Besides…between everything happening even I’ve barely seen CA. And G has been pretty busy..maybe I should start forcing myself to be more used to not asking him around so he can actually go to other people. And it's just. Everything. Everything kept spinning out of hand. And we all had promised no screaming or arguing and I just–It was a little frustrating to see Kine and Gil keep biting at each other.

But then I think, I-

I was so stupid. Am. And don’t want to make assumptions. But just..I was so playful with K earlier. But they were and have always been around. Especially this summer-which in retrospect makes sense. K feels comfortable to be around. And I didn’t…I can see how..I am just a mess. I guess I never really learned how to talk to people like a normal person. It all turns into banter and more than half the time it is flirtatious. But I wouldn’t…I’m not flaky. I wouldn’t..especially not in front of him. I thought..I thought he knew that.

I know I’m jumping to conclusions but it’s just so frustrating. Nobody needed to fight. And he’s never gotten like that when I flirt with Ca or Ir. I’ve even kissed them before in front of him. So there should be no reason that little moment….But I just. That’s why I don't want to assume it’s all about that moment. But I don’t think it helped. I feel like a failure. I couldn’t even get my list right and kept circling to previous things and forgetting things. I’m so upset. I just don’t know if I’m upset at Ca and G for not letting it go. K for continuing. Or myself for not stepping in sooner or for maybe even just..planting doubt about myself like that. I didn’t mean to…I just wanted us to all know what the othe ris doing for buddy system accountability. I forgot to mention my question for K but I’ll ask after the meeting.

If everyone wants to be stupid it’s only fair I get to be stupid too on my own terms. Besides. It’s research before the stupid decision. Which automatically makes it smarter than just jumping in with no plan.

[catless-and-covenless]

Sometimes people will be like let's do a Cinderella retelling which is literally just about how much I hate this fairytale and then to counter it equally-incorrect people will say actually core traits of Cinderella are things like soft-spokeness and elegance. Actually the things that really matter for a Cinderella retelling are that a. She endures by maintaining her compassion when her family tries to beat it out of her, b. She is given the opportunity to find joy for one evening and she takes it and it's not deemed selfish and c. Her goodness goes from being demeaned and ignored to being Seen.

[catless-and-covenless]

05/06/2025 Tuesday Game

((In Game: Written as Xochitl prepares her home for the meeting with MBoM: Mine edition after class.))

Buefuenofo cofomofo tofodosfos quiefuierenfen serfer mefetifichesfes vafamosfos afa tefenerfe quefue serfer másfas infitefelifigenfentesfes defe lofo quefue nosfos crefreenfen. Peferofo alfal obfobjejetifivofo defe lafa esfescrifritufurafa. Nofo mefe efequifuivofoquefue enfen trafratarfar defe hafablarfalr confon GFE sofobrefre lofo quefue senfentíafia sinfin unfun planflan dede luflujofo ofo tefenerfer misfis palfalaflabrasfras másfas bienfien plaflaneafeadasfas.

Sifienfentofo quefue quiefuierofo grifritarfar. Porfor sefe quefedofo lafla nofochefe yfe penfensefe quefe hafabiafiamosfos pasfasadofado lofo exfextrañofraano defe lafla nofochefe anfanteferiorfrior. Yfi mefe senfentíafia tanfan bienfien. Profrotefegidafida. Yfi…nofo sefe nofo quifuierofero usfusarfar otrafotra palfalabrafabra.

Crefreofo quefe esfesofo esfes élfel porforquefe élfe penfesafabafa quefe yofo queferíafria esfescufucharfar quefe élfel nofo ifibafa volfolverfer hafablarflar sofobrefre lofo quefe sofomosfos. Yofo quiefierofo tenfenerfer elfel tifitufuloflo hificefe pafarafra nafadiefie másfas quefe senfentirfir quefe mefe puefuedofo exfexprefresarfar yfe hafablarflar sofobrefre tofodofo sinfin penfensarfar quefer élfel nofo quiefuierefre lofo misfismofo?

Másfas ofo menfenosfos siemfiemprefre pienfiensofo quefe nofo lefe molfolesfestafa defe misfis afecfafeccionfionesfes yfe afapafapafachenfen peferoro…hayfay vefecesfes quefe mefe prefreofocufupofo quefe mefe pafasófo defe lisfistafa ofo quefe mefe esfestoyfoy porfortanfandofo cofomofo unafuna rafrabofo verferdefe.

Peferofro nofo hayfay defe quefe. Mefe exfexpliflicafarefe mefejorfor desfespuésfues defe verfer enfen elfel másfas alláfalla sofobrefre loflo quefe élfel queferíafria quefue yofo viefierafra. Yfe desfespuésfues habfablaflarefremosfos másfas enfen pazfaz.

Aunfuanquefue hafablanflandofo defe pazfaz….Elfel tamfambién fien nofo tofo quefe Crfr esfes táfa bifienfen yfe pafasafa mufuchofo tiemfiempofo confon Nfen. Yfe esofeso norformalfal menfentefe nofo mefe imfimporfortafa.

Peferoro hafa pasfasafadofo tanfantofo tiemfiempofo desfesdefe quefe tofododo pafasofo yfe sienfientofo cofomofo quefe tofodosfos pastasantan masfas tiemfeimpofo quefe yofo. Ofo comfomofo quefe soyfoy malfal amifamigafa porfor nofo busfuscarfarlefe masfas peferofo hificefe nofo esfestafa confon Nfene esfestafa concon Rfere ofo esfatafa confon losfos ofotrosfros.

Esfes lofo defebifidofo yfe lofo quefe queferíafria porfor elfel. Unfunafa cofomunfunifidadfad. Peferofo nofo sefe…mefe mofolesfestafa quefe yofo mefe sienfientofo…..nofo esfestoyfoy segfegurafura defe serfer lafa prifrimeferafra ofo…nofo sefe. Nofo esfe bienfien. Nofo esfes jusfustofo. Peferofro mefe sienfientofo desfescalifalibrafradafa enfen misfis senfentifimienfientosfos.

Yfe confon totodofo yfe esfesofo y fe lofo defemásfas… Cafa yfe Irfer esfestánfan losfos dosfos tanfan herferifidosfos quefe mifi menfentefe nofo pafarafa defe prefreocufocuparfarsefe sofobrefre losfos dosfos. Esfespeferofo quefe elfel téfe, bolfolilfilosfos, afaguafwa defe calfaldofo, yfe mifi sorforpresfressafa seafea unfun camfambiofio porfor loflo buenfuenofo pafarafa losflos dosfos. Yafa tenfengofo lisfistofo tofododo yfi unfunafa cofopiafia defe tofodofo pafarafa quefe Irfere mefe ayufuyodefe confon prenfrenderfer lafa vefelafla porfor sifi unfun diafia yofo nofo puefuefodo yfe Cafa esfestafa “enfenfermafa”.

Fui afa esfestufudiarfiar anfantesfes defe misfis claflassesfes yfe finalfalmenfentefe esfestoyfoy afa mifi mefetafa defe esfestarfar tresfres semfemanasfanas adelfadelanfantafadasfas enfen misfis esfestufudiosfios. Aunfanquefe mifi menfentefe esfestafabafa llenfenafa defe loflo quefe esfestáfa arrifarribafa.

Peferofo fui afa misfis clasflasesfes yfe tofodofo fue infenterferesfesanfantefe. Protecfrotecciónfion yfe amufulletfetosfos yfe lofo quefe masfas queferíafria esfescufucharfar anfantesfes defe irfir afa Kafa. Tenfengofo unfun planflan…yfe nofo esfes loflo mefejorfor…peferofo sifi crefreofo quefe seferáfra unfun planflan quefe hifecefe sirfirvefe seferáfra loflo mefejorfor.

Seferáfra lofo quefe mefe dafa elfel planflan afadonfondede puefuedofo profrotefegerfer afa tofodosfos. Ahfaorafora pafarafa pofonerfermefe lisfistafa pafarafa quefe tofodosfos esfesténfen defe afacuerdfuerdofo. Ofo quefe tofodosfos aunfaunquefe seafea safabefemosfos sofobrefre lafa serferpienfientefe enfen elfel jarfardínfin.

[catless-and-covenless]

Today can really be summarized by the range of punctuations after the word Oh

Oh :)

Oh...

Oh!

Oh~

Oh?

Oh?!

And tbh. Not sure how I feel about this revelation.

Also I need to get my baking under control. This is gonna be a tell after a while. But in my defense! Actually merited this time :) I get to distribute them

[catless-and-covenless]

Not to take a page out of Cr's book but

🤔😎🍵🫖🚙🥰🍪📚📖📑💻🥰🤔😬🤔🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐🤷‍♀️🥰💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤

And scene.

Nosey Nelly's

[catless-and-covenless]

A-Z Witchcraft herbs and plants: Alder

There are many herbs and plants used in witchcraft, all with a variety of different uses and meanings. This A-Z is a short rundown or some plants and herbs used in the craft. Today we're looking at Alder.

Quick facts,

Alder grows in most places in forest areas on the outskirts of wet places.

Some people would make instruments such as flutes with Alder and it naturally makes a whistling sound so is nicknamed as “whistling up the wind”.

Alder is also known for many medical properties.

Uses in witchcraft,

Alder helps you face up things you’ve been avoiding.

Alder can be helpful to people struggling with Anxiety or nervousness.

Alder can help with business or school and aid with success.

Correspondences:

Neptune

Fire

Water

if you have any facts or spells related to this, leave a comment 🖤🌿.

[catless-and-covenless]

04/15/2025 Tuesday

(((In Game Note: Written after Xochitl says goodbye to Nate. - Maybe…For now it works-)))

—-------------------------------------------

I….should be given the purple heart for not having passed away at the sheer amount of stress I’ve been under. Wtf is my life..? I need to brush up on more poultices. And probably take a first aid course….or a computer course.

Or maybe I should take my own advice and trust that my friends can and will be fine without me turning into a mother hen.

………

Anyways the realistic answer is I will just have to see if i can squeeze in some basic youtube tutorials and not take an actual course.

But I’m glad Cr was around to bring Ir to me. And I’m glad that it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Anything more and I would have to put them both in my car and take them to either abuela or the ER. And seeing as I don’t have Iv’s number to get Ir’s information it would be to mami and abuela. But thankfully this was about the level I could manage. I’ll check in with Ir after class or before if I can. I should make them soup if it's after. And maybe some bread. Less trouble to consume or digest.

And I need to get a grip. I’ve been stress baking. Too much. I’m glad Abuela picked up that huge bag of flour for me when she was stocking Cr and I up. But I managed to give away some of them to Na. And I can go ahead and give a dozen to Cr and G each. And the other dozen Ir can probably have or give to K and Iv.

Which-Proud of Na but it really is a testament to the teenage spirit that after everything we’re both complaining about boys in my kitchen. But we talked and I think I might have given good advice? Idk. ngl he wasn’t wrong about how strange everything is but that’s a neither here nor there issue. It’s not like monogamy was and is the end all until the last century or so. I don’t really wanna think about it for too long but…it was nice. To just bitch and complain. And for a second feel normal. And give a quick lesson. Na has potential. So much potential. And confirmed what I thought and added to my own knowledge. Al is the snake. And there’s something he’s waking up. Something old. And it has to do with the dgrs and <3.

That’s a problem for tomorrow me. I have enough with trying to keep the peace. Especially since it seems between Cr and G, I’m on the side with no backup for once. But Na needs someone on his side and I do actually want to be there and believe in being there. Just the way their guilt manifests would rub both Cr and G the wrong way. They’re such outward people I don’t think either of them truly understand the quiet stewing that can happen in the cauldron’s of people like Na and I. But It’s nopt my job to fix those relationships. Just to guide Na. And do my utmost best to keep my jealousy over Ca on the backburner. R isn’t his best friend and neither is anyone else. I’ve had sleepovers. He can have a sleepover with our friends. That's normal and good.

Maybe I need therapy.

[catless-and-covenless]

(((In Game Note: Written after Xochitl gets home and is cleaning up her home to make it comfy for Nate..)))

—-------------------------------------------

Maybe if I take an extraordinary amount of Nyquil I can meet the hat man instead of….well. I am not going to think about it.

Except that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and now I don’t know whether or not to trust my dreams. In a sense all dreams are real. Lucid dreams are rare. Communing with Tchl is different. Or it’s a glimpse into your psyche right?

I don’t..want..to trust her. Not when it makes me feel like I’m betraying everyone I know. Just being around Mami was so hard today. I don’t-I felt like I couldn’t say anything. I appreciate that she didn’t make me say anything. And Abuela was acting so normal but she always does because she knows everything and she’s so smart and wonderful. And I know that means she wants me to figure it out myself or at least giving me space to. Which…now that I’m away feels nice. It feels nice that the best woman I know trusts me.

And Mami is trying. She is. And we joked about the tomato plant incident, which actually made me smile that morning. I just feel so…bad. about ..everything. And I don’t know how to bring it up to her because I want her to listen and let me moan and be annoyed and then give me advice. But I know she’ll do all of that until the advice part and instead of giving me advice she’s going to just tell me not to do anything. Or to leave it to her. I just want guidance and just…What am I even supposed to say? Mom I had a weird dream and it made me realize things about two people and what I want but just wanting two different things feels bad and like I’m bad?

Not when everyone would be so upset with me. Most of all, me. I hate this feeling and I feel like I’m going to explode from it all. I just want someone who can listen but I feel trapped.

But probably a good reason why when I was finally able to escape, grabbing Ir, and showing them the garden it was just nice. Nice to be able to just….be. Ir, they give me the space to just be myself. To be magical. And everything is so natural. They understand the forest. And the plants. And the need to scamper at times. Or just tap into things.

They make me feel seen. And they don't think like everyone else. So it's nice to get input from a different perspective. And just-I’m really fond of them. And nice that I can chase rabbits and not have someone question why I'm picking up a snake skin. Which. Is. Interesting. But I'm planning on using it for a quick lesson if Na isn't too distraught. See if we can check to see if his abilities have more of a leaning towards scrying.

And after that just a free evening until G comes over. Which… I'm hoping it will be nice. I just want to watch movies or talk. Or maybe finish up some crafts for Aunty Nguyen. Ando hope he doesn't hate me by the end of it. Or I didn't force him to. Or I set up expectations for anything else? I have a feeling I'm going to be putting my boot in my mouth before tonight is over.

Why am I only suave around people i don't care about?

Wait. Shoot. Now I need to clarify if this is a date. >:c

Why is being mature so annoyingly dependent on being vulnerable and transparent?

But….it will be nice. To sleep knowing he's close.

[catless-and-covenless]

As an alternative to 'sugar, spice, and everything nice'

I present: 'salt, vinegar, and everything sinister'

[catless-and-covenless]

(((In Game: Written after Regina was sent out of the house and Xochitl made sure the hearts were still there.)))

And with that the world’s easiest Bind went off. I was a little distracted though. If I hadn’t been home and in my sanctuary it probably wouldn’t have been as easy without the muscle memory. I can get more information later on Cnr. But I trust Ca to never ask anything like this from me without it being about something important. But that’s all done and I am carrying a small piece of the scarf with me to ensure it stays active. And plans for tomorrow are made so I don’t have to think about it or the R night. I get to hang out with Na and Ir tomorrow. And we can has things out and go to the gardens to frolic respectively. Lots to distract my mind from things.

I really wish I was as smart as Cr and G think I am.

I wish I had better words. Because I’m scared of fucking up and having this pretty new flower get torn up from the ground. But scared isn’t the right word because it’s not like f e a r. It’s…I don’t want him to leave. And I don’t know…I told him I used to have a crush on R and it felt like if I didn’t tell him she was coming over I was…I don’t want to be seen as flighty. I didn’t want him to think I was sneaking around. Especially after such a nice date. I don’t want him to think I can and will just hop to different people if he’s not there.

And I didn’t want Cr to worry. Or for him to not know and then he feels like he's just a pawn. I don’t want him to think he’s just this…instrument passing between two women plotting for different things. He’s his own person and I never want to be the person who makes him feel…less than. Or like a replacement. Because he’s not. He’s so precious to me. I would do anything for him. Be anything for him. Give anything for him.

But they both freaked out in their own way and I know communication is good but goddamn I feel like I fucked up. Like by talking I convinced them of the OPPOSITE. Seriously I am getting sent Grmlkn. I hate being babysat. And I have no idea how to just…let them both know they’re important. And that I’m trustworthy. Not with words. I just…it feels like something everyone would just say..”Oh Just tell them! It will clear everything up.” But words don’t mean much of anything. It’s actions. And I’m scared that maybe I chose the wrong action. Maybe I should have made it less private and more of a public event? But there's always so many listening ears. I just :( I hope they tell me what I can do to make them feel secure.

And I’m…so confused about what just happened. I don’t know how to feel. Which I guess has always been the problem with Regina and I. Neither of us ever know how to feel about the other. What’s the right way to feel about the other. Especially now. Everything is so complicated and I wish she wasn’t R. I wish she didn’t just waltz back into my life and already know everything I’m still showing my new friends. I wish she didn’t know that I prefer less chamoy on my pineapples and more on the strawberries. I wish she didn’t know that I prefer pecans over walnuts in my cookies. I wish I didn’t know to bake the cookies with just a tiny bit more butter to make them softer the way she likes it. I wish she didn’t know me.

It would be easier if she didn’t know me. It would hurt less. Be less tangled. Be less confusing. It wouldn’t feel like a betrayal and I don’t know who I’m betraying by being so confused.

I hate that there was a stupid small part of me that was glad Na and R shenanigans happened in HS. That it happened after me. That-God I feel so stupid. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to already be thinking that even if we both got a friendship renewed out of this no one would be happy about it. I hate that there’s a small part of me that froze at her confession. Not when…I didn’t believe it from Cr. So I shouldn't want to believe it from her. Just because it’s true doesn’t make it honest. I hate that I don't actually hate very many things that happened tonight.

There was a moment of empathy. A small weakness on my end. She just wants freedom. She wants to escape. She’s going about it all wrong and while I can’t understand her jumps in logic I can't deny that I can understand wanting more than what the world gives me. And as much as it annoys me…hearing that Cr wouldn’t get hurt in the process made it easier. Made my claws retract and my hackles smooth. That’s all I wanted. If she had just told me she was suffering, even with my pride, I would have helped her find a different way. A witch helps her community. Even if the community can be vile at times. And now I am helping but not because of her and it’s uncomfortable knowing that’s not what either of us want.

It’s uncomfortable how comfortable I was being ugly in front of her. Being quick tempered and bitey or vulnerable. How easy those small moments of just being myself were. I hate that I was able to make jokes. I know it’s a habit but just…if I closed my eyes it could have been eighth grade all over again. Old habits die hard I suppose. And she apologized.

Three weeks ago it would have meant everything. Today it can’t. I can’t. Not when I just started having my own people around me again. Not when neither one of us could easily bring the other around friends and family as if the past 5 years didn’t happen. Not when both of us sounded like wounded animals after we talked everything through. But it meant something. Enough at least that I could allow her a moment or two of comfort.

I don't regret asking her to leave though. I need distance. I need time. I need….to think about how exactly I can even begin to comprehend half of what she told me. Everything she told me. And the fact that she just…wants normalcy.

I don’t know how to feel. How to handle this part of me that wants…her again. I know a flower needs sun, honey bees, water, and the ground it grows from. And I just…don’t know how much longer I can flower without all four of those things.But I need to find the balance. Too much sun will scorch me. Too many honey bees dry out a flower. Too much earth dries out a flower. And too much water drowns it. I already have my sun and a honey bee. I just…I don't know if I trust making R my earth again. I never want the rug pulled out from under me again. I don’t know who is what or how much or how I need them all. What I do know is that I will do my best to break this fucking cycle. My boy will get to enjoy his life. So I will focus on that.

And maybe G coming over to hold me after this while fucking week tomorrow night.

[catless-and-covenless]

Sometimes people will be like let's do a Cinderella retelling which is literally just about how much I hate this fairytale and then to counter it people will say actually core traits of Cinderella are things like soft-spokeness and elegance. Actually the things that really matter for a Cinderella retelling are that a. She endures by maintaining her compassion when her family tries to beat it out of her, b. She is given the opportunity to find joy for one evening and she takes it and it's not deemed selfish and c. Her goodness goes from being demeaned and ignored to being Seen.