catalyssts

[catalyssts]

A Doll Outside her Box

The course “Understanding the Self” left me feeling like a doll outside her box. This self-portrayal was influenced by the concepts that had been tackled throughout the semester and the personal experiences I had to face alongside this. At the start of semester, we learned about the PPCT (Proximal-Person-Context-Change) model. As a freshman, I was able to reflect on how the person I claim to be is influenced by interactions, the demands I have to meet, the people I prioritize and the environment I expose myself to. The term homeostasis stuck to me because it was a reassurance that I would be able to adapt to the changes in my chronosystem as my college days go by. This contributed to the idea that I am a doll outside my box, for I am not situated in only one setting. In fact, second semester showed me that I favor being Janus-faced because I enjoyed mingling with people who either was similar or dissimilar to me. I had learned that the differences help me reflect on who I really am inside the box.

As I was able to see myself inside that box, I was able to understand myself further. This was brought by the topic Ang Loob ng Tao. As I did, I realized that my experiencing self was the dominant self this semester. A lot of times, I justified my actions and my vices with the mindset that I would rather enjoy this now and let my future self deal with the consequences. Admittedly, that took a toll on my performance and discipline as a student. That triggered a lot of emotions. Mainly, those emotions took me to a dark place. However, these were not obvious to my acquaintances because displaying my frustration to them would be inappropriate. I used response modulation to get me through a lot of hard days this semester. In those times, I learned how to find positive meaning. I am going to admit that I would have given up earlier on this semester if it were not discussed to me how to reframe bad events.

However, this was not enough. As my id took over the wheel this semester, I could not help but mourn over how I used to be driven by my superego. This conscious recollection broke my heart and further discouraged me from doing my best. It was as if I were a doll, sulking over the contents inside my box that used to be true. It was because I knew that I was regressing.

However, through my pain and inner conflict, I had chosen to seek for help. I sought help from the people who knew the real me and the responsible me the most -- these were my parents. My parents, who I consider my best friends, are the most non-judgmental people in my life. They talk to me just as if we were friends, so opening up about this was important to them. I never tried to hide from them that I drank every weekend and cut my classes when I felt like it, because they understood and they reassured me constantly that they had that phase in their lives. This made apparent that I was experiencing Identity vs Identity Confusion from Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages. They saw how this brought me great pain because I doubted everything I was thought was my forte. It certainly did not help how I realized that I did not want to pursue a career in Chemistry. This semester highlighted my desire for psychology instead. I was extremely confused on who I wanted to be and who I am in the present. That was the reason why when the psychosocial moratorium was discussed, I instantly gravitated to the thought. I was sure that I was at the point in my life wherein I wanted to explore and break my previously established set of morals. It caused me pain but through the concepts I learned in class and the support of my parents and friends, I was able to fight through it.

Truthfully, my relationship with my parents were stronger than ever at this point in my life. When the topic about ghosts as a repression of trauma was brought up, I was able to realize that even if my parents separated in my childhood, there were no unresolved conflicts. They were able to show me that a broken family does not necessarily equate to brokenness of people. This caused me to use the defense mechanism of sublimation in my childhood, wherein I became more responsible and more positive because I had already gone through so much. Thus, in the topic of identity development and individuation, I fully agreed that they were my identity agents. My parents were humanized as they shared their own journey through adolescence. Because I see them as such, my preferences and expectations have been replicated from theirs, which proved that my habitus influences my actions. As I continue to grow into my own individual, I remained attached to them emotionally for their support and approval. My parents and my cliques get to access this back stage self of mine anytime.

To summarize, my entire semester with the course “Understanding the Self” was its own journey. It was parallel to real time events in my life. A lot of what is inside my doll box was reaffirmed, like how I am cisgender or how I loved studying behavior. However, I recognized that I am unfinished -- that I am experiencing change, conflict and confusion. More than ever, I realized that I am not ready to go back inside my box, because there are so much of the world out there that I need to endure first and so many people I need to reach out to. It got me dreaming that maybe one day, I’ll be in my box feeling content and secured in my own identity.

[catalyssts]

Our Habitus

Going into the BINHI activity, I had initially bottled up reservations and concerns. I admit that at first, I was more excited to participate in this activity so that I could bond with my friends. It was more of how fun it will be for us in this certain community. With that mindset, my sudden change in perspective was understandable when I did not end up in a slot with them. My excitement was diminished to frustration because I felt as if my experiencing would be more taxing now that I have to not only situate myself in the assigned area, but also get along with those who are also assigned to my area. I realized that a lot of my frustrations came from the fact that I would be completely out of my comfort zone for the activity.

The BINHI preparation session definitely helped ease my frustrations because I was able to familiarize myself with the people that I would be working alongside with and the community in that area. It definitely did help that the agenda for what is supposed to be accomplished was clear among us. At that moment, I was able to regain the same excitement I felt before. On the day itself, I was nervous. Gawad Kalinga Bulaklakan had houses painted with different bright pastels. My partner and I talked and got to know more about our nanay and her family. We were able to laugh with her, which made the whole situation feel light and easy. It even came to the point wherein her shy granddaughter was able to warm up to us. Because of this positive experience, I felt more relaxed during our second visit. I felt as if we were welcome to be in that community.

Hearing my nanay’s stories helped me introspect on how similar and different our lives are. With the concept of habitus, I was able to further understand the reasons behind our human actions. I come from an upper-middle class family that is motivated by hard work. Everyone in my family was raised by our grandparents. They were in charge in disciplining us. The children in our family were taught arithmetic early on, because my grandparents took pride in raising children who excelled in academics. We were expected to study well, become top of the class and go to good universities. However, they required that we had a hobby. Despite our own interests, our grandparents enrolled us in classes that taught us how to play music instruments or play sports. For me, I had to learn how to play the guitar, dance and swim. Thus, the children of the family grew up to be well-rounded individuals who practiced balancing academics and extra-curricular activities.

In the same way, the habitus of the community we immersed in valued education. We saw this in the way our nanay took pride in her children finishing school. Her wall was decorated with graduation photos of her children – some of which are the same child, but different graduation level. We asked on what the family does for fun, and she said that they usually just stay at home for the weekends. They prefer to lounge and watch their favorite television show. Thus, hobbies were not particularly something they held high regard of.

During both times of our visit, the husband of our nanay was out for work. She decided to stay at home instead of work because her husband prefers that she were home to watch the children and prepare the meal when he comes home. This was done out of care, and not out of obligation. In contrast to that, my family grew up knowing my grandfather constantly empowered my grandmother to work for he saw that she was particularly skilled in business. This translated to their daughters and granddaughters pursuing professional careers. With this, there is an observable difference in gendered disposition in the habitus of my family and the family of our nanay. This was seen in how the women of each family viewed careers differently. Despite the difference of habitus, I ended up feeling at home in the community. People of different lifestyles can definitely enjoy each other’s company and learn from each other.

[catalyssts]

Offline vs Online Me

OFFLINE ME 

My friends and parents know me as someone who goes all out at parties. I try to make the most of these night outs, and I don’t try to hide it!

Although I am the eldest among my siblings, I deliberately try to annoy them. Where’s the fun in not being a little crazy?

I am always open to those I hold dear to me, unless I know they would not be as accepting. Because my grandmother is traditional, I make it seem as if academics take up the entirety of my time. 

ONLINE ME

In Facebook, I hold back my opinions because my timeline can be viewed by the friends of my parents or my previous teachers. I am usually very vocal, but I know some close-minded adults who would potentially belittle my thoughts. 

In Twitter, I tweet whatever I want, including my passionate opinions about making the Philippines a better society for those oppressed. #staywoke

People following my Instagram get real time update of my life. They usually get the more glamorous side of my life, because I tend to highlight the enjoyable moments in my Instagram story and feed. 

[catalyssts]

This Patriarchal Society

This patriarchal society that I live in is a factor in my daily life. 

I wish I could say that it is merely a background issue that can be dismissed, but it is not. 

In this society, it is difficult to go to school.

School is supposed to be a safe space. A place of learning and fostering relationships and a place a person can call as a second home. I had to learn it the hard way that even if you have been in a school for almost a decade, it is still highly patriarchal. A boy that harasses a girl can get away with it, as long as the girl does not report it. Why? Because of fear of judgment and of course, the ever-so-famous method of victim-blaming. Even if there was no consent, and even if there was physical actions done against her. 

In this society, it is difficult to be confident.

You know when people tell you to be yourself? To be your truest self? It is usually with a layer of warning that tells you that you can be yourself --- just not too much. When a girl wants to take leadership, she is seen as someone who loves to boss people around. She is seen as mataray and inconsiderate. Kill-joy even, maybe. But of course, if she wants to embrace her feminine side, she is seen as maarte. Telling somebody that you care about your hair or the color of your nails is suddenly a trait to be looked down upon. 

In this society, it is difficult to trust.

I do not blame them. There are so many stories already, and anybody could be the next victim of someone trying to take you home or someone trying take advantage of you when you can barely make sense of what is around you. Of course, they tell you that the prevention for this is to choose to stay sober. In the first place, who ever said that girls when drunk is a green light for go and take advantage of her? What’s sadder is that it’s the girl’s fault for careless placing trust on a person. 

In this society, it is difficult to walk.

Yes, just walk. Anywhere, actually. No, no. I was not always wearing shorts. And no, I was not in fitting clothes. Yes, I was alone. 

The questions are hard to hear, because street harassment is always downplayed using self-objectification and victim-blaming. In this society, watching girls pass by and gazing at their bodies is difficult to pinpoint as a crime. Especially if what they say seem good in the surface, “Good morning, ganda” or “Smile naman diyan.” What’s wrong with those unsolicited and suggestive remarks? What’s wrong if people constantly try to call your attention just because of your gender? Because girls are always supposed to smile and are objects that must be pleasing to the eyes? As if women do not carry the constant fear of being raped or kidnapped. In this society, people fail to see that a woman commuting on the streets do not need a compliment because the unnecessary attention brings paranoia. Believe me. 

There are so many more things that women find difficult to do in this patriarchal society. This is barely scratching the surface. That is why I have weaved into my identity the desire to stand up against the oppressive forces that restrict what women can do or can be. I believe that resistance and activism against the issue is empowerment for both men and women. 

[catalyssts]

Social Mirrors

My mother knows me best. This is not just because she raised me. Sure, that is a big proponent of it, but the main reason I know that she knows me the best is because she is my best friend. She is the first person I vent to about friends, academics, drama and of course, boys. She knows my great and worst qualities. No doubt, I know that how she perceives me is the most candid perception anybody can give about me. 

Indeed, I was right. She read me like a book. She first pointed out my work ethics:

Alyssa is a person who is responsible, organized and wants to get things done on time. She makes sure that she finish her task well and gives more than what is expected of her. She is independent when it comes to her school works.

This can be compared to what I initially said,“ She also recognizes my independence and maturity. This is because of how I carry my responsibilities, how I learn by myself and how I have earned the trust of my peers. As a student, she knows the hard work I put in and my drive to be critical and have a greater purpose for my actions.”

From this, I am able to say that my mom has watched me in my journey as a student. She is able to observe how I study and accomplish academic work. I am also able to say that I have the tendency of wanting people to recognize my hard work. In order for that to happen, I let my performance speak for itself and I let people know, verbally or physically, that I know my responsibilities. This is probably why it is easy for her to express such a trait. 

My mother was also able to mention my interests:

She loves to explore new stuff and is willing to try things out of her comfort zone. She loves science and geek stuff.

This can be compared to what I initially said, “As a person, my mom knows that I am nerdy or rather, geeky. She attributes this to my interest and passion for theatre, science and science fiction pop culture.”

From this, I am able to express that my mother is involved in the activities I choose to indulge in. She knows what is important to me and what gets me excited. 

Lastly, she described my personality:

She is fun-loving, adventurous and loves going out with her friends.

This can be compared to what I initially said, “She would say that I’m somewhat playful and energetic.”

From this, I am able to say that my personality traits are clear or distinguishable. It is not difficult to identify what adjectives would be tagged to me. 

However, as a daughter, she described me as: 

She is a responsible daughter and great big sister to her brothers.

This is while I initially said, “As her daughter, I have been always open to her. She could say that I am very keen on sharing my experiences through venting or ranting.”

From this, I am able to understand that my role as a daughter is easier to put into words by mentioning my relationship with my brothers and by mentioning my responsibility or obligation. In my description, I highlighted my relationship with my mother instead. This tells me that I believe that my duty as a daughter must be focused on how I treat my mother.

What I failed to mention in my initial paragraph were my weaknesses. My mother stated these as:

She handles challenges and problems with a broad mind but tends to overthink at times. She can be stubborn at times but can quickly acknowledge her faults and shortcomings.

This surprised me because I could not believe that I forgot to mention my weaknesses. In my own description, I only mentioned what were the good characteristics that I possessed, without realizing that I have not mentioned a single flaw about me. This shows me that I have the desire for people to only recognize my strengths. I did not take into account that people also do see my flaws or shortcomings. 

Overall, the descriptions matched. However, my failure to include my weaknesses was a reality check that part of what people think about me is what they may not like about me. 

[catalyssts]

“Alpha, Kappa, Omega...”

“...Ang simula at wakas ay kapatiran.”

Tanghalang Ateneo’s “Alpha Kappa Omega” immerses its audience with the brutality and vehemence required to achieve a sense of brotherhood and belonging.

“Batchmates” was what the recruits of the the fraternity called themselves. This so-called batch consisted of men with different backgrounds, each driven by a different purpose. However, they all possessed the desire to prove that they are worthy and resilient enough to join the fraternity. To prove their worth, they must survive and accomplish the tasks to please their “masters.” This allowed their masters to use their power however they may please. The abuse of power in the fraternity created an environment of destructive behaviors and unhealthy mechanisms. 

Throughout the play, the characters exhibited behavior that can be explained by Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages of Development. In the school-age stage, there is the conflict of Industry vs Inferiority, wherein social recognition plays an important role in determining self-worth. In a fraternity setting, the recognition or approval comes from the masters. As the masters continuously humiliate and question the competence of their recruits, they are able to assert their superiority. Thus, recruits like Ronnie, expressed that he felt inferior after deliberate efforts of humiliating him like making him drink a cup of his batchmates’ shared saliva. He intended to quit; however, his father disapproved of this, resulting into a beating from his father. Upon graduation however, they achieved the feeling of competence, as their members no longer belittled them. This is due to the belief that only competent and worthy people are able to withstand the obstacles of initiation. The graduation is considered to be a stamp of approval from their peers. 

The initiation they had to go through shaped the recruits. Sid Lucero was one of the members who adopted a defense mechanism in order to endure the tasks. In Sigmund Freud’s Psychodynamic Perspective, defense mechanisms exist yo aid the ego from anxiety. As the aggression recurred, Sid was learning to adopt the behavior displayed by his masters. This is called identification, wherein the qualities of another person are imitated. Sid was beginning to act with aggression against his batchmates, enemies and even his girlfriend. He would shout, verbally degrade a person and result to violent acts. His batchmates even called him out on this behavior, but he insisted that this is how they should be acting because soon enough, they will take over as masters. This was true enough in the last scene, wherein there was a time skip to when they used violence and aggression to the new recruits. 

“Alpha Kappa Omega” or AKΩ did not hesitate to explore the destructive nature of fraternities. The play proved that hazing or initiation is a breeding ground for harmful and violent tendencies. What people are not aware of when joining frats is that they must give up their mental stability in exchange for false brotherhood. 

[catalyssts]

Increasing positive affect activity

When I heard that my group decided to give hugs to strangers for the Be Social project, I was excited.

Too excited maybe, because I did not have apprehensions for the project at all.

In anticipating the actual event, I felt my confidence slowly dissipating. It was on the actual hour when it dawned to me that these people are going to be actual strangers, that I’m going to be approaching them, and most likely disturbing them from what initially ought to do.

It was nerve-wracking! I was definitely overthinking it, too.

I made sure to ask for their consent, because I know hugging is not easy for many, especially from those who you do not know as well.

Hugging is a physical and mental connection made between people.

Its intimacy is not something everyone is accustomed to. All of those people I have hugged gave me a confused and “weirded” out look, which honestly did bother me! It was terrifying enough that I had asked! After the hug, I’d feel a sense of relief because they would flash a smile.

I realized that to be social is a prettier idea in your head than in action. It is easier to say that being open-minded and social comes naturally, but in truth, it takes courage and a certain engagement with the being self to be able to perform this task. The feelings or apprehensions were replaced once the person on the receiving end of the hug showed gratitude or happiness. The happiness that was displayed to me was instantly mirrored back to them. If I do this project again, I know that I’d be nervous. This time however, I’d remember the fulfillment from this experience.

[catalyssts]

My first pages

Since 2017, I have consistently written in a journal. I pride to say that I have literally written from cover to cover. I make it a habit that the first pages of the new month chapter is to be entitled as “To be grateful for.” This is so that I can compile all my highlights or blessings in the last pages of my journal by the end of the year. The brief monthly recaps have been my way of making little details count and helping my future self remember the victories and the obstacles I have gone through. 

I would imagine that doing a “To be grateful” list per day would magnify the tiniest blessings...

To be grateful for (March 3, 2019)

1. The quiet

I find myself sitting at the dining table -- my light source being the sunlight seeping in through the window. For the first time in a really long time, it is quiet. I am grateful for the solitude, as family members attend to each their own errand. The quiet is slow. The sensory elements that used to fade into the background are the center of my attention. The quiet is easy. I am grateful for the quiet because the quiet comes once in a blue moon.

2. Roast beef

If there’s anything that also comes once in a blue moon, it is roast beef. It’s silly, but allow me to explain.

One Christmas, my mom brought home roast beef. Ever since, I looked forward to having roast beef every Christmas and New Year. Without missing a beat, it appeared at the dinner table every December. It sat beside the queso de bola and the fruit salad. Just as how a pine or fir tree can tell you that it’s that particular season -- it was that easy.  

Today was an ordinary day. Truly, nothing special. But today, I had roast beef. It might mean nothing to the average person, but something about it reminds me of the holidays. 

3. Boredom

College students almost always have a lot on their plate. There’s just always something to accomplish. Especially as a Chemistry major, the lab reports keep coming in. Today, however, I have nothing particularly difficult to accomplish. My schedule was easy. I am grateful to be looking for something to do. I never realized how much I take these moments for granted. For that, I am allowing myself to feel bored.

---

I started this list thinking that what I would be jolting down are details that will not matter in a few days time. However, what this really showed me is that this ordinary day may actually be special and rare in its own way, because easy instances are ironically not easy to have anymore. 

(Words in the image have been purposely blurred out.)

[catalyssts]

Homesick

“Among those cities, where would you want to live in?” my mom asked as we lied down in our jet lag. 

It was 12°C that night in Seattle. I looked up from my phone and said, “San Diego, of course.”

Of course, I went for California. It was the closest to how the people in Manila lived. I couldn’t stand how quiet -- no -- how serene the Washington lifestyle was. It was a ghost town by 10 PM. 

“I’m going to study in UCSD some day,” and that same night, my eyes were glued to the admissions web page of the University of California San Diego campus. My mind went as far as wanting to work in the NASA - Jet Propulsion Laboratory. I never wanted to go back to Manila.

Two years later, we returned to the United States. Oh, how I’ve longed to come back. Even in that two years, I kept the all the tiny paraphernalia from the previous trip. But, things have changed. 

I blended well in that culture. Truly, all the films that I have watched and all the popular culture references that I have unconsciously familiarized myself with had shown that I have been globalized. It is as if I have lived and walked the streets of America my whole life. 

But, no. There was resistance. For all those who have traveled, we always tend to compare. 

We say phrases like,

“It is so much cheaper in Manila!” in restaurants.

“They have it, too!” in grocery stores.

There is also the occasional judgments we would make towards the people who live in that culture. 

I knew America as much as I knew Manila. 

But Manila -- where do I even begin?

It is the red brake lights at 2 AM in EDSA. We arrived at 2 AM from our flight and the streets were busy as ever. People were crossing the street, selling fruits and the fast food restaurants were filled. 

It is the caroling of children by your car window on December. It is the food parks and the jeepneys. It is the street food and the stray cats. It is the warm weather and the overpopulated air-conditioned malls. 

It is in the memories, in the solidarity, and in the drive to make Manila better than any other place I have visited. 

I was never homesick. I did not long to go back to Manila, because I knew that Manila is wherever my heart was.