cass-cass27

[cass-cass27]

August 17th, 2020

Well, I started talking to a really nice person. Now I don’t know right from wrong. Is this the right one? He doesn’t seem to want a relationship, but says he likes me and wants to see where things will go together. I do to. I have 2 jobs lined up, my room is coming together, and things are starting to fall into place. But what will happen next to stop this. I feel like there has been too much good for there to be no bad yet. 

Well I hopefully will start work in the next week or so and then I start school in a week. I am getting to go to the shore with my sister and niece. What else will go my way until something fails to go right? 

All I can do is hope and pray everything starts falling into place. I’ll be back soon, I can tell. 

[cass-cass27]

August 4th, 2020 Catch up

It has been a good, rough, tough, depressed, anxiety filled 4 years of my life. I thought I meant the love of my life when I moved 3 hours from my true and reliable family and I thought we would last forever. Once I moved in with him and his mother right after my 18th birthday I thought it was were I belonged, but it quickly became a fight to get along with him all because his mother wanted to cause shit between me and him. He became controlling of things i wanted to do, never wanted to do certain things with me even if that was all I freaking wanted. It was always about him and his family, and never about me and my family or the family I would of liked to start with him. I like to plan and know where and what is going to happen in life it gets tough when you get told to stop talking about the future because we have a long way until any of that happens. All I wanted was the original person I fell in love with back and not this new I will do what I want while I treat you like your my maid. I was tired of being told we wouldn't live just the 2 of us until his mother moved out or died. I don’t give a shit if your a mommy’s boy but that doesn’t mean I want to be anything like her. I gave you a chance and it lasted 2 weeks it wasn't my fault you weren't taking it serious. it took for me to actually leave for you to wake the fuck up. I asked for space and I couldn’t get that so why waste my time on someone who won’t love me and respect me and my wishes. It has been a rough 3 months of moving back home, but I am managing. I want to actually be able to have my own space again and do what I want with it. I was depressed a lot in the past 4 years, but I have been even more depressed you didn’t want to fight for anything. I am glad I am trying to move on and talk to other people because it was never going to work with me never seeing my family that meant the freaking world to me. I am not sure how I feel right now. There are many emotions and thoughts racing through my mind. Time will tell where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do in my life. I am glad to have my life back and people to talk to and express how I feel without hurting me in any way. Let’s see where we go!

[cass-cass27]

In a pickle..1/23/2017..2:22am

I HATE school anymore. I HATE where I am in life. I FEEL depressed constantly. I FEEL like “my friends” talk about me twenty four seven behind my back. I WISH my mom would show she actually cared about me more. I WISH she would act like a mother not like a long distant relative, who I only get along with once in a while. I WISH I could live with my bestfriend/boyfriend and his mom. I WISH I had a better job where I made more money. I WISH I had a car. I WISH my dad wouldn’t “hate” me. I have more WISHES than HATES or FEELINGS anymore. Why? Because I FEEL like I could have a better life, and it seems like my moms fault I didn’t. I always heard you shouldn’t blame other people for your life, but you should get through the hard times and enjoy the fun times because there is no such thing as living forever. Writing on here let’s me vent and not be afraid to hold back anything I want to say. I have a really strong listener/bff/bf that I know I will never loose. If I do loose this person I don’t even know how I would get through the tough times. I FEEL like I live for him, his family, and my family(not all of them). Lately, I FEEL left out and lonely. Hmm…..how do I get through this again? I shall get through this! I will get through this!

[cass-cass27]

9-21-16

Why does she think it is necessary to leave me home alone? Why does she thinks it’s okay to go get drunk? Why does she think it’s okay if she isn’t home but if I’m not here it’s a big problem? Why does she want me here with her 24/7? Does she want me to turn out like her? What does she think I’m doing wrong besides trying my absolute best? I wonder so many questions about so many things but only one person. My mom. She never seemed like she ever wanted me as a child she always wanted my sister but never me. My sister turned out like my mom, but would either of them acknowledge it no. Why? Because my sister doesn’t want to be referred to as a replica of my mom. No one would. I’m doing better in life than my mom or sister. Do I make bad choices? Yes! Everyone does. Why does she think it’s right as to what she is doing? Why does she think she can act 16 again? Why does she think and do the things she does? The question might be why but all those whys lead to deep and thicker questions that may never be answered. She knows…..I’m upset with her, I want to live with my boyfriend and his mom, I try my best in school, and I do make so much better choices than she or my sister ever made. But does she want to acknowledge it nope or at least she wants it to be like she is proud of me but never shows it. Will she ever act like she’s proud of me? Will she ever mean it? Will she ever make up for the lost time that missed in my life? There’s a lot of questions I have for her but she probably won’t ever care enough to read them or answer them. Oh well…..

[cass-cass27]

just months..hidden

Every since the day i was pulled out of school and transferred to another school i haven’t wanted to be here. When i cry i cry out for my mom, not my dad not my gram my mom! Do people not understand every child wants their real mom in their life? Am i just talking to myself or are you actually listening? I’m being ignored! My feelings, emotions, thoughts, perspectives, everything! if i say anything form my point of view i get a death look like don’t tell the truth to other people, you can only tell me the truth. I’m sorry but the world doesn't work that way. I’m done letting you walk all over my feelings and opinions, and its time for me to stand up for myself for once. Its time for me to do what i think is best for me and how i can be happy not how you want to be happy for me and i’m miserable. Sorry but your way is not cutting it for me anymore. I am going to show everyone how well i can do without being constantly stressed or depressed or any kind emotional sickness for that matter. Yeah i’m going to have some stress, anxiety, and depression but nothing could ever top how bad it is right now. I’ve cried for months and months on end and it drains me. I get asked why i am so tired and the answer to that question is i stay up at night just to cry and let my pain that is bringing me down out. I may not show my pain because i hide it cause all the questions i would get asked would just make it worse. i was asked if i wanted to go to a therapist and i said no. I said no for a reason, that reason being i want to vent to my family, boyfriend, and my only good friend Megan, not some person i barely know. I want to be able to express my feelings to my family and not just keep them in so they can tear me down. I want to do better then them just like they want me to do but their holding the leash too tight for me to go out and explore for myself. These next couple of months are gonna be months spent on getting my shit together enough, so that i know what i will be doing and improving in my life in the next few months. I have a tight hold on the future that i want to live. Its like i’m playing tug o war with my own family, and i think they should have my back on what ever i want to experience in life. I have decided to move to my moms where i know i can be happier. I am not just doing this for me but my mom and my boyfriend because i know they will both support me and have my back the whole way. I can rely on my whole family but there is just something about my mom and boyfriend that i can rely more on. I plan on spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend. When i was littler i always dreamed of finding that cowboy that knew his way to a woman's heart and knew how to always treat her the right way. You know the way all women should be treated but don’t ever see it. I want this boy to be the father to my children and the love of my life forever and ever. For as long as i’m alive i want him right by my side. These next couple of months may be the hardest of months but i know for sure they will be the best months of my life. I’m ready for the new journey i am about to begin and i can’t wait to see what it has for me. 

[cass-cass27]

Have you been filming??

Is becoming us coming back to abc family??

I’ll know when you know!

[cass-cass27]

You are.....

To me you are a great person. You talk to me a lot, you may go out of your way for me, but do you like me? I have been falling since I meant you, that first day. You family is amazing and your just more amazing! I'm glad you came into my life, so much that I want us to be something. I want us to be something but at the same time I feel like that wouldn't be the best idea. It may not be the best because I work with you and if something were to happen that makes us not want to talk anymore work would not be good. You are really a really nice guy, your a gentleman. What you said to me the other night really made me think, do you like me? Or was that you just being nice? I want to know! This is killing me from the inside! Everything about you, to me it's perfect! To someone else it may not be, but I'm really falling for it! I want to go to NYC with you! I want to be the one to meet your family! I want to be with you on New Years! I want you, and only you. You seem so perfect in so many ways! Perfect is not used a lot. Like nobody is perfect or has no flaws but so far you are perfect to me! This could lead to something and if it does that would be really amazing and if it doesn't that's okay too, but just know I'm falling...for you......are you falling?

[cass-cass27]

I wish it was that easy......😞

[cass-cass27]

you...

I really wish you would notice me. I wish you would talk to me. I wish we could be friends. I wish you.... You are a perfect person that i want to be around. You could move on from her...she dumped you. Don’t take it out on yourself, its her fault for not realizing you are a good person. Maybe we could hang out soon. Maybe we could talk more soon. Maybe we could be at parties together.There are so many maybes i could say i want to do with you. I just want something i feel like we could actually have something. Winter ball? are you going? will i see you? are you going with anyone? will you say hi? will you be with her the whole time? tell me! i just want to know what could happen with this. i feel like this could go far. do you?

[cass-cass27]

Aww I'm sorry to hear that! I Love the show by the way! Your my favorite!

Did being with Ben make you happier than you are now or before you were dating?

Being in a relationship with Ben really only made my anxiety so much worse than it was before so no he did not make happier.

[cass-cass27]

alright......

Alright i don’t know what to do anymore. Do i keep texting you like nothing ever happened? Am i annoying the shit out of you? If i am i don’t mean to. I just absolutely love texting you and talking to you. But you absolutely hate texting. Is there a way that could change? Just so we could talk forever and ever. Your the only one i really have any interests in texting which really sucks. I can talk to other people but i really don’t have any interests in talking to them. All i want to do is talk to you. You can keep my attention when nobody else can. Are your posts about me? Who are they about? What can i do so we can talk? I really feel like you absolutely hate me so much! What can i do to change that? Anything? I don’t think there is anything to do anymore. I thought this summer was going to be one of the best summers in my life. But a gut feeling i’m starting to have is telling me this summer is not going to be that exciting nor is it gonna be with you. Maybe once? i won’t ever know till it actually happens. cause you seem like you have much better things to do than even speak to me. Will i even do anything besides work this summer? Will i hang with the friends i always hang out with? what will i do? All i know i want to is get the hell out of here and go on a road trip. Do i want you to go? Yes! But would you ever think about doing that with me? Probably not. Will i go with my closest friends? Probably not. Why? Because there parents are very protective over them. Will i even go on a trip? Probably not. Why? Because my parents don’t want me to live my life the way i want to live it. Is it normal to feel like your trapped in a bubble with no one around you? To feel like everyone hates your guts? What are normal feelings? Are they even real? Can’t everyone just think how i feel once in a while? No that’s not possible. Do you ever think about me? Do you ever want to think about me? If you do think about me, what do you think about me? Am i nice to you? Am i pretty? Am i odd? Do i sound like a five year old? Do i look like 16 or 5? I know i’m short. Do you really have to state the obvious stuff that i already know? Tell me everything! What you think about my personality, if you think i’m cute, i want just want to know everything you ever think about me! Please just tell me! 

[cass-cass27]

[cass-cass27]

Why?

Sometimes i just wonder. I wonder what you first thought of me, then what you thought of me as we got to know each other, and when we stopped talking. It really kills me not to talk to you anymore. I really loved talking to you it always made my day when i saw your name. I don’t know what happened. It seemed like you liked texting me, but i guess that was not the case. I just wish it was mutual between us and not total opposite. Everyday i have a least one thought about you and what we talked about and how we talked. I had so much more about myself to tell you. I feel like i knew everything about you and you knew nothing about me. Which really sucks. Everything about you was absolutely perfect. I feel like this is all my fault we don’t talk anymore. Why can’t what we had just go back to normal? Like nothing happened between us. Why can’t we just start from the beginning? So i can tell you more and more about me and i can find out everything about you. Why does everybody tell me your no good and i’m just gonna get hurt? When we talked i felt like you would never hurt a fly. Why do i still get butterflies in my stomach? You literally meant and still mean everything to me. Why haven’t i felt like this before? These are my real feelings and they are so strong. Will these feelings for you ever go away? I hope they will just get stronger, and you will start to feel the same way. Will we always have something in common? Fast driving, good music, nice cars, and just great times together being ourselves around each other. I feel like i don’t have to be someone i’m not around you. For once i can just be my self. Why is it just me? Why do i feel like you hate me? Just why? So  guess what i’m trying to say is why can’t you just like me, like i like you? Is is just me? Why does this happen to me? I really don’t get why! Will things get better? That’s the question! Why......?

[cass-cass27]

i cant keep saying yes

i am so done with saying yes i’m okay when i am really not okay. i put a smile on so nobody will ask whats wrong. i hate causing attention. there are those people who want attention just to have it. i don’t i want it to feel loved and cared about not so someone will feel pity for me. we all have are ups and downs and those moments where we just break down and cry and nobody is there. or nobody that you would tell. i just want to be loved just like everybody else and have that special person in my life that will actually care when i’m hurting and can tell when in lying and saying in fine when i am really not. i’m just broken and cant take it anymore. i have had a rough life causing me to grow up faster and take care of myself. i’m just missing everyone i have lost or haven’t seen in forever. i miss them all. i will be visiting everyone this summer, i will make sure that i do. 

[cass-cass27]

Friends

You think your really good friends, but find out you were the second person to know and over a week later too. I don't even know what we are anymore. You always say i am your best friend, but i truly don't know what to believe anymore. Do i believe the person who has kept secrets from their best friend or one of my friends. I just cant take this anymore. I wanna believe everybody but they all make it so hard to believe them. So you just think its lies then when their actually telling the truth you thunk their kidding. When something serious happens you really shouldn't hide it from your so called best friend and tell your best friend first if she is truly your best friend. Because little do you know the other one has a huge mouth. Life When you are just wanting that one person the same way you like them, but you know that wont happen. It really sucks feeling like you aren't liked and everybody hates you and you have about two or three true friends. While normally teenagers have groups of people. Life can sometimes suck especially since you have no clue what to do to make it better. The only thing todo is keep wishing on 11:11. Keep your hopes high, dreams higher and everything will turn out perfectly!

[cass-cass27]

About ready to cry!

I feel like everybody has a perfect life around me! I just wish things were better. Like a relationship that a mother and daughter are supposed to have, and not me always hating my mom. I wish my parents were together so much, i don't like not having them not together. I wish i could see them both everyday! I truly love my mom. It may not seem like it but when i think about her I just want to cry and wish she was there to help me get threw these things. And i really wish i was much closer to her! She really has never been there for me and that is what I want the most! And second i just wish my parents were in love and hateful of each other! I know that will never happen but i wish it would! I am really starting to miss my mommy. It really sucks not having her around for the support i want from her! I know she is there for me but she never makes any efforts to come see me, nor even talk to me. I am always the first to text or call her! And i just want her i miss her a lot right now! It really sucks! I am glad i am going to be able to see her this week! Maybe i wont cry for a while! I just cant stand going to bed wanting to cry my self to sleep. And then your friends saying they are there for you when they really don't understand how much pain you are in. How much you need them. I think i need somebody who will be there for me and cuddle with me when i am feeling doubt full. And when i need to just have somebody to be with. I really want a lot right now and i am really wishing i did have my parents together, somebody to love, and a good shoulder to lean on when i need it the most. But i really don't have that at all. I just need something! I have no clue what though! And i think that is what is really tearing me down! I wish my parents were together and that special someone really bad right now! I just wish i had more and i know most of it wont come true at all! I cant do this anymore, i just need time to figure things out and keep on wishing on things that i want to come true! 11:11 needs to be more often not just twice a day. I will start wishing every time it is 11:11!

[cass-cass27]

Why? That’s all i ever ask anymore. Why cant i find somebody to love and have in my life, that wont cheat, and will in general be a really good person. I just wish there was somebody, maybe older, hot, good personality, and just a kind loving person. Why?!?!