cas10gail

[cas10gail]

𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦

𝘋𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦

'𝘊𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘭𝘺

𝘐𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶

𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨

[cas10gail]

𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘦

𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭

[cas10gail]

Maybe im just the type of person who gets hesitant posting in an arena where all the people are. So im posting it on tumblr, a semi-private, less mainstream space.

Oh heres a pic from Parish Night, Mharlon and Jime really loved. Meanwhile I like it.

[cas10gail]

Are you really blunt or just reactive?

Sometimes, in moments of discomfort and impatience we can't distinguish between the two. We point fingers and say, "You're being stupid! Are you dumb? Why can't you do this right?! What is wrong with you?"

Even worse, it's followed up with "Sorry (not sorry), I'm just being straightforward."

Hey Siri? Play All too Well by Taylor Swift 'cause he's so casually cruel in the name of being honest!

The atmosphere feels more tensed than before, and nobody could utter a single word. If POV: We're the subordinates in the situation, how would you feel? Often, we hear the anger directed at us and sometimes we can understand where that anger is coming from. We even say it's reasonable and come up with all justification meanwhile stuffing down the the ugly triggers inside.

Could be self-pity: 'Why am I so stupid?'

Could be defensiveness: 'What the F! Are you even perfect?' 'Who cares? Shut up.'

Could be indifference...

Whether we admit it or not, as subjects of verbal abuse, we do not feel encouraged after. Actually, we feel enraged. Manipulated (at least temporarily). We just choose either to bottle them all up or be dramatic (doing anything like shouting, smiling, spewing, slapping another--all except expressing the truth.)

I realized, inflicting pain like this to others or intentionally generating fear to a situation in order to get respect actually does the opposite.

We might get the immediate gratification of feeling power and control but then slowly lose the empathy of others towards us.

I say, it is easy to be reactive: that is to blame, criticize, judge or demand others in moments we feel disturbed. What is hard is to admit to ourselves what we really feel. In short, the truth.

What is hard is to be vulnerable in front of another.

The inner strength it takes to be vulnerable is the most gruesome to cultivate, but ultimately, the only form of honesty that matters.

"Casten, are you saying i'm reactive? How dare you!"

"For God's sakes, don't make everything about you!"

See what I did there?

That's being reactive.

I believe that our feelings are not supposed to be suppressed.

They are there not to be discarded, but to be accepted. To reflect upon. To pray over.

Whatever it is, fear, sadness, guilt, regret, gladness, peace, bliss, laughter, warmth... these are real and valid human emotions.

Say I feel mad not 'Why did you do that? You're so irresponsible!'

Say 'Thank you, I appreciate the compliment' not 'Oh you're just saying that.'

In other words, communicate what you feel and Be Honest for once!

Have a good day!

[cas10gail]

Mary, give me your Heart: so beautiful, so pure, so immaculate; your Heart so full of love and humility that I may be able to receive Jesus in the Bread of Life and love Him as you love Him and serve Him in the distressing guise of the poor.

Bl. Mother Teresa

[cas10gail]

Dear Life, surprise me.

I was with two of the most influential people in my life, bonding over coffee and siomai at KKOPI. I couldn't remember when's the last time we three bonded like that. Anyways that afternoon we did, and during conversation, they asked me a question and I answered them. I am going back to that memory now because I am still searching for clues (in fact I have been spending my time asking myself and wondering) about who I am and what am I called to do.

So we were around churchmates and we were sort of catching up, we were laughing and teasing and sharing inside jokes. At one point I got quiet and the two of them started chatting. Suddenly they turned to me and asked "Ate, what is the most important thing in life." I looked at them and knew they are waiting for me to agree with them although I have no idea what it is. I felt familiar. Included. At that moment I felt that we had something special. We're close enough. Our souls I mean...

Anyway, I thought about it and said, "Lessons."

Without pause, they shook their heads, dismissed me and said "No it's money."

"Who said money can't buy happiness? That is so not true. That is just made up--"

"Yeah yeah. What good are lessons."

"Right." They explained.

I remember not taking it seriously and resorted to doing something else. Now I thought I should have said "What? That does not make sense at all. Why am I even friends with you guys?" I know that they are just being playful. Still, I love that we can be playful around each other.

(Interesting things happened after our KKOPI bonding but that is story for another day. Picture: Three of us walking side by side the highway, coming across a motorcycle accident, the barangay hall was moved to my village, one of us needs to pee, and two of us briefly dated each other months ago, secretly. )

But again, since then I have been asking myself who am I and what am I called to do. Actually my whole life this is what I wanted to understand the most: What is life and how do you live with meaning?Will I truly be able to live my life? What is my calling? What feels good to me? Where does my deep happiness lie? How can I contribute value to the world? And while these seemed to be wonderful and admiring questions a 22-year-old GEN Z girl is asking, it doesn't make it any less confusing especially when I begin to doubt my own thoughts saying Well aren't you being too idealistic?

I combat these thoughts by believing I am meant to live in peace and that I will be okay no matter what. Destiny, vocation, these things can't be rushed.

What am I doing now? Just trying to make peace with everything and welcoming every experience no matter how good or ugly.

However today I decided I'm gonna contemplate and try to find a pattern. A clue to my deepest self.

Money is good. I am quite the spender as well. I would love to surprise my loved ones with the best gifts. In fact, that was first on my bucketlist.

But so far, I believe that money is not the way to integrity. All knowledge and experience considered, I believe that I am the happiest with connection. I told myself that my ultimate wish is to understand connection, make connections and grow in connection. I figured if I design the rest of my days pursuing connection and bathing in it, I would be happy.

I told myself: it is only superficially about the communication structures, the editing software, the script, the musical score, or the camera works. For me, the essence of it all is connection.

Where do I go from here? Since to me life is about lessons, should I design my life like a lesson plan? What would it be like to live as if you're following a lesson plan? Will there be graduation? Will every moment be a learning opportunity?

Trust Your Boundaries.

Follow your Feelings.

Choose your Words.

Be Suprised.

Dear Life, surprise me.

[cas10gail]

Here I am just warming up my fingers, typing. I will fall in love with this moment. This moment where I am staring at the screen, typing up.

I am onto the transcription job. I like it. Listening to conversations. Typing them. Piling them up. It is not so bad.

Researchers don't always like this part. I am part of their research. This is the coding sheet. Without it, there will be no data to refer to for the analysis.

I realized lately that, I like 'filing' things more. For instance, when I decided one night that I'm gonna do something. Anything. Paint or draw or create a scrapbook.

Later I find myself putting all tools in a box in a way I like them. I called it the "Bored Box" LOL. The thought of doodling away to oblivion did not appease me more than the idea of arranging things.

Why?

What if I do it every time I'm bored? What if every time I feel this excess energy, I just go and fold, file and fix? What if instead of "thriving in the chaos' my path to feminine energy is "putting the chaos together". Because "putting things together" makes me feel satisfied the most? I feel more in tune with some kind of force that helps me see amongst the messy path. and I love the peace while doing that.

I am confused though. Is that masculine thinking energy? I am not sure.

I feel better after folding my clothes. Smelling the clean atmosphere without the clouds of dust. Having things all in their rightful place. I feel most purposeful being able to make sense of what people say to me. Connection. I love connecting things around me. I am hesitant because what if this attitude directly points to something repressed within me? Something... I have to worry about? Ugh, that thought is scary.

Well... WHAT THEN?

Should I question it? Okay. What do I think is repressed? What do people repress that makes them feel the most comfortable about folding things like Marie Kondo?

Marie Kondo loves to be in spaces that spark joy for her. Same with me. Therefore I believe that I am most comfortable with putting the "chaos" together because I want to create a space that sparks joy for me AND the act itself brings me joy RATHER THAN putting the chaos together because of cultural pressure, or that I need to know my room is better than anyone, etc. I just enjoy it. I do.

Is it true? Absolutely true? Who could you be without the thought?

Probably clueless.

[cas10gail]

I love the gloomy weather

I love the gloomy weather. The 'it's about to rain' sky. The still environment. And the leaves scuttering against the land. The slow rush of wind. The smell of damp air and heat leaving the ground. I love the dim sun. The gloomy weather is so special for me. It makes me feel nostalgic. It reminds me of indoor adventures as a kid, and storm, and brownouts, and candle lit rooms, and gas lamp, and crouching together sharing war and fairy tales. The howling of dogs. The windy nights...

[cas10gail]

BEING MURAKAMI

Im set out to have talent, focus, and endurance in writing by running.

Im not sure if i can leave this place. I mean im just discovering how nice it is to live here, and run in here, and be with nature.

#HarukiMurakami

[cas10gail]

Loud mind, lost soul.

Beating heart, dark room.

Moon light. Coffee.

Pen. Diary.

Tired back. Heavy eyelids.

I feel different, out of place

among the thoughts invading my head.

My heart kept beating, chasing it's own.

I itch on the idea of coming home.

[cas10gail]

Repeat with me

i will survive this.

i will survive this.

i will survive this,

i will survive this

i will survive this

[cas10gail]

Fall Season

I'm unapologetically writing on my cozy bed while I'm topless, as I catch some afternoon sunlight from my open window.

[cas10gail]

dear girls,

what if you could wear something you had thought of wearing but never had the guts or the time or the motivation?

[cas10gail]

im not smiling for a change lol. Selfie before the back pain from all the paperwork. How you doing?

[cas10gail]

As if red lips would increase my focus lol

[cas10gail]

Shopping now, pulubi later.

"Kadalasan ang pinagmumulan ng financial stress ay Lack of Knowledge, Lack of Discipline, Lack of proper guidance of experts." -Chinkee Tan, Financial Adviser

[cas10gail]

Woops! Tried duolingo after completing my Forlan1 and Forlan2 classes. Then this happened: