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...with telling my daughter off or no.
...with giving a shit anymore.
...doing things for other people.
...with pretending that I’m coping.
...with pretending I’m happy.
...with putting myself first (it doesn’t work).
...with doing my best.
...with being enough or trying to be.
...with this situation.
...with everything.
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Who am I?
I don’t know why but I feel really lost. Some days I feel like I just float along, like I’m not even really there.
I struggle to feel like I have a sense of purpose and I struggle to even look at myself in the mirror. I feel like a stranger inside a strangers body. I almost feel like a fake or a phony.
I think this year has changed me, for the better in a way, but it’s also changed me in a way that I never really knew I could. Still don’t really know. I constantly feel like I’m always on the edge of something. Or just on edge.
I’m constantly choking back tears and hiding my feelings, or not feeling anything, and everything. Stuck in an emotional bubble.
I want to get out of it, just finding it hard. So please bare with me. I’m lost.
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A letter to my stubborn daughter.
You broke me again today. And I tried so hard. But I give up.
I know it’s a good trait to have, being headstrong. But on a day like today where you’re getting ready for school and you have a time frame, it’s just really not.
I feel everything and nothing all at the same time, and I’m sorry you have to see me like this. But you break me. I am trying to do better and be a better mummy for you because I feel like I turn into a monster. One day you’ll understand what it’s like and why I did what I did to just get you to listen or just get you out of the house on time. I don’t mean to turn nasty and I’m trying to work on it. I just really need you to listen.
I also really need just you. You are the reason I get up in the morning and the reason I am eternally happy. You are my little ray of sunshine; my rainbow. You drive me up the wall but you also give me the best cuddles when I’m upset and lord knows I need those cuddles more than your little head could ever understand. You are my everything.
I just wish you’d bloody listen to me!
Keep being headstrong, you’ll have to fight your own battles one day.
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Been a while....
Bear with. I am a work in progress.
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World Cup.
Unusual thing for me.. but with this years World Cup, I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks.
I was born in Wales, therefore I am welsh. But my heritage is half English and half welsh. Not that I supported England in this competition as such.. didn’t really watch it, but seems as though most of the big teams had gone out, England stood a pretty good chance at winning. And I’m okay with that. Others are not. While I’m all for having an opinion and that, some people were being bloody rude about it. What I also don’t get is that some people - welsh included - were supporting other teams like Portugal or Brazil, and that’s okay because that’s Portugal’s or Brazil.. they have Ronaldo or Nemar on their team so it’s fine to support them. What’s wrong with England? You support English teams in the premier league?! You support and English person in the formula one?! What’s the big deal?! And as for “it’s an ancient history thing” BULLOCKS.
Again, all for an opinion but it’s this sort of pig headed and closed minded shit that affects everyone and everything around the world; not just wales and England’s petty “feud.” A lot of it the way I see it is, is jealousy. Jealous that wales didn’t make it into the World Cup. They would have bloody deserved it mind no denying that, but just because they didn’t doesn’t mean that England didn’t deserve to. They hadn’t lost in a year!! Or maybe more I can’t remember. That’s awesome!! I have no idea what I’m saying really.. but it’s made me angry because I just feel that there’s no need for it. There are worse things going on than England doing well in a bloody football competition!!!!!!
And I bet if Scotland or Ireland were in it people would support them no problem too!!
Rant over. For now ha!
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I’m going to give it time.. how much more time, I’m not so sure. Preparing myself though. Never thought I’d feel this way about you.
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Life. So complicated. Does it even need to be? I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason or because it’s someone’s plan (for me it’s God but whatever or whoever you believe in is cool too). So there are literally some things that you CANNOT help, but of course there are some things you can help; I won’t go into that! I’ve always been told to help others and to be there for people if and when they need you. So (not blowing my own trumpet here) I try my damn best to be there for people so long as they let me. I’m probably too soft and too kind for my own good as it’ll one day get thrown in my face and I’m sick of it. I’m all for having down days and being sad, I have plenty of them! But after the second, third, fourth or fifty second time of telling them it’s okay to be sad but I’m here to help or try to make it better, and it just goes over their heads, it’s fucking annoying. I’m all for feeling like you have no one to turn to or feel like you have nothing- HELLO?! I’m HERE. I get that you’re down, I’m trying to make you smile so just smile damnit!! You’ve got to try and keep the faith and try to remember that you have been put on this earth for a reason! You need to be You and you need to LIVE. Life is far too damn short to be unhappy and miserable ALL THE TIME. Life is good. Trust me. You’ll get there soon. I will always help my friends, family, anyone who needs me. But unless you start to help yourself and believe in yourself, I can no longer help you. Live your life and love your friends. CL.
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T*at
I thought that the tattoo on my forehead had disappeared. Oh no, wait.. there it is.
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I love my life; I love my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, everything in it...... but I need to start loving myself. And it is okay to love myself. I need to do this. So from now on, I am being positive, being better.
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I love my life and everyone in it. But I need to be better.
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I've said it before and I'm going to say it again. I want to change my attitude. I want to change my weight. I want to be positive about my body image. I want to believe in myself. I want to be a better mummy. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better daughter. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better person. I have to do this. I have to be selfish and do something for me for a change. Fuck everyone else. Stop dumping your problems on me, I've got plenty of my own. And I need to start listening to my body when it tells me I'm too old and tired for certain things. I need to take care of myself.
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Do you know what? I love my life.. I really do. But right now I'm not happy. I'm not happy with the fact that I'm not happy. I'm not happy with "drama" going on with friends and family that has just put a spanner through everything. I'm not happy with my attitude at the moment. I'm not happy with my stress levels. I'm not happy with my weight and how I look. I'm not happy with the way I deal with my child's disobedience and behaviour (she's quite good but she's also a toddler and stubborn as fuck). I'm not happy with how I deal with things. I'm not happy with how I treat myself and give myself such a hard time. I'm only human. So I've decided that this has to change.
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