carterftm

[carterftm]

12/21/17

Wow, tonight is bad lol. Super lonely/anxietyish/irritable. I’m normally not lonely, and only sometimes irritable. Not sure if it’s testosterone related. Not feeling great tonight!!! Tfw no friends :)

**Edit: I also realized that yesterday in therapy I said I was doing a lot better, but legit today I don’t wanna live hhh

[carterftm]

12/12/17 thru 12/19/17

(1st week on T)

Hunger the day after my first application of T. Some weird throat feelings (I don’t think there’s much of a voice change but that’s to be expected). Some bottom growth (woo).

[carterftm]

12/12/17 

Just put on my T Gel!!!! I’m so stoked (made this post to remember the date & to start my tags)

[carterftm]

12/09/17

Mostly just counting days as “another day without T” until I get it. Yeah I’m sad and I’m salty.

Realistically, I know it won’t solve all my problem but I can’t help but hope. Maybe I can placebo myself into not being sad anymore. That’d be great kthxbye

[carterftm]

12/09/17

I got prescribed T on Thursday; that apparently does NOT mean you actually GET the T on Thursday. Wish I had been prepared for that. The emotional tole it’s taking on me is pretty bad as I am unstable atm. I should be getting the T on Monday or Tuesday.. but it’s pretty unbearable.

I was super happy on Thursday, then it dissipated to calm, then I was down in the dumps come Friday. It’s Saturday now and it took me 3 hours to get out of bed in the morning, only to get up and go to the bathroom, then back in bed for the rest of the day (cleaned my room a bit though). I don’t let myself think about it in depth or I might start to cry.

Maybe 2 months ago, my therapist sort of ‘taught’ me a bed routine/sleep hygiene thing that I stuck to for about.. 4 or 5 weeks? Basically don’t touch the bed, get out of bed/stay out of bed, 30 min ‘quiet time’ before bed, no phone in bed etc.. “the bed is lava” sort of shit. But then I got sick. I got sick for a whole week and stayed in bed and having that as an excuse, and now I don’t have the willpower to get out again. It sounds fucking stupid when I say that I can’t get out of bed & I hate it. Idk. Maybe T will give me the strength to do trivial shit like that again, but as of right now, there’s no way.

I guess once I become frustrated with not being able to sleep again, I will refer back to the ‘sleep hygiene’ page I was given by my ‘pist.

I’m just not in a good headspace right now. There are parent issues and I’m about to start working full time this week and next week (I’m used to part time when I feel good). 

I talked with my therapist (gee, I hate saying “my therapist”, it sounds super possessive LOL) about swapping to weekly sessions instead of biweekly(via email) 1. because I’m not doing well 2. apparently my insurance covers sessions with no restrictions (when I thought I only had 26 sessions a year) 3. biweekly doesn’t work well for me; I lose what I learned so easily and biweekly is just too much of a gap to be super beneficial. Plus, (completely shocking, I know) is that I actually like my ‘pist lol. I really clash with some people, but they’re pretty fine. And I figure that if I managed to like them, that’ll switch to trust and I’ll be able to unload yadda yadda. I’d rather say with them than switch to a new one (would rather stay in WA than AZ cus I HIGHLY doubt I would find any ‘pist that’s similar enough to me to talk with).

Not gonna lie. During the intake session I thought to myself “If they reject me, I’m not looking for another ‘pist. I’m just gonna off myself or not have one at all, ever again.”(toxic)  Hmm. That made me realize I have some “all or nothing” attitudes. Interesting. I never know my personality so catching this is dope.

Idek, I’m just rambling right now. 

[carterftm]

12/06/17 

Tbh, you know it’s bad when right after a bad thing happens u can only vaguely remember it.. Me rn. Then a day later you forget what happened. Repeat.

[carterftm]

12/06/17

Need to make a pre-t voice comparison video.. lol. 

Went to therapy today, it was pretty good. Don’t feel like writing down what we talked about. 

Afterwards, I met this beauuuutiful cat down the hill of the psychology building, she was blonde, orange, and white with these big blue eyes. However, she didn’t let me pet her cus she was really skittish, but she did run up to me and sniff my hand.

Idk if she’s actually a girl cat but whatever, love her :)

[carterftm]

12/05/17

I hate how I look lol. Walked past two guys during work (I think they were like delievery dudes) and after I went a few feet away one said, “He’s, like, two.”

It’s more annoying than anything. It’s not as bad as hanging around someone for a while until they “pick up” on feminine things I do (like stand on one leg more than the other/sometimes the way I say things/the way clothes hang on me) and then start to misgender me.

I can’t help that I was raised socially female; it’s difficult to unlearn things when you don’t even pass 100% of the time. T can’t come fast enough.

Even when I do get on T though, the changes will take forever. I hate waiting cus all this dumb shit happens to me and I can’t do anything about it.

[carterftm]

12/03/17

Omg my mom just called me to tell me that she’s sorry on behalf of my dad because he’s like verbally abusive.

he has days where he’s just angry, the next day he’s fine and for the next few days, but then he gets angry again.

“sometimes you have to hide in a room and let the days go by” -my mom. which is totally sad. idk my mom called me bc my dad likes to yell at me then vent to my mom, take pictures of my messy room to post on facebook and shit like that. idk i dont feel like talking about it more.

My mom describes my dad as “angry” and nothing else.

Edit: My mom called me again and made sure to tell me that her, my grandma, my sister, and my brother all love me and asked when my next appointment [for therapist] was. Idk I was crying cus I never talk to anyone irl about problems I have & I think she was alluding to me not self harming or kms. Idk. 

[carterftm]

12/03/17

Y am I like this. So, I’m one of those people who toss their clothes all over their floor (in my defense, I don’t have a hamper). It gets on my dads nerves that my room is a mess but it doesn’t bother me.. Probably because I’m used to it. My parents never really enforced the ‘cleanliness’ shit onto me; just leave me to myself so I never learned (6-7th grade was a baaaad time w/ cleanliness). Not to blame them or anything. But this trait + me being so depressed I can’t get out of bed REALLY hurts my chances of cleaning my room. It’s such a fucking childish thing to do, I know and I resent it but I can’t even clean my room while my dad is home. I don’t know why. I can’t clean anything with my dad home- doesn’t matter if he’s in the same room as me or not. He likes to do this thing where he tells you everything that you’re doing wrong and believe me, after hearing it so much I NEVER want to clean ANYTHING while in the same room as someone. It freaks me out. I have to do it when I’m home alone.

Another sad thing is that my sister has the same problem; reason for it? my dad. My dad isn’t even her dad, he’s her step-dad and he fucked w/ her so much that she couldn’t clean anything while in the same room as someone for years. After she told me that I was gobsmacked.. because same.

No matter what I do, if my dad is in a mood he will definitely come into my room and start shit; I know that’s it’s not ACTUALLY the fact that my room is messy, he’s just drunk and in a bad mood and he wants to pick on me. It’s annoying and I just want him to leave. All it does it get the both of us into a bad mood. Whatever. I’ve had a headache for a few days now and it’s not going away. 

I’M A FUCKIN’ COMPLAINER, COME AT ME.

[carterftm]

12/01/17

I think the reason why getting misgendered hurts so much more right now is because I’m on the cusp of starting T. I think it will hurt a lot worse when I’m on T and getting misgendered.

Oops, I posted this onto my main blog and I had to rewrite this a second time. Rip.

[carterftm]

12/01/17

y am i such a pussy lol

I know that no one likes getting misgendered but I’m such a pussy about it bc I immediately get sad & feel down the rest of the day. I don’t know. This chick I haven’t talked to/seen before at work immediately gendered me as female (maybe because I was smiling at a customer or maybe because of my gait) but usually people assume I am a prepubescent boy. (For example, today after helping out the older coworker- haven’t met her before either -she said she assumed I was 12 or 13. tfw I’m 18).

Idk, it really impacts me because I’m normally gendered as a young male instead of a female and I guess I’m just not used to it.

On the phone today as well, I was referred to as “Ms. LastName” and I said bye and hung up a second later. I was asking about the price of androgel to the lady on the phone as well e_e ty i wanna kms

[carterftm]

11/26/17  yooo fucking this week was baddd lol. Anyways, so today I was at work, and a coworker was showing me a board that tells people who they’re working with for the day. The lady, J, points at something in cursive that looks similar to my name, but isn’t my name. She thought I was working with her today, but the board had someone else’s name on it. 

Then, she says “Oh, I was hoping I was going to work with you today; I was excited.”

Then, walked away. I was like staring after her like wtf because I feel like everyone is annoyed and hates me hardcore. But wtf, she was hoping I’d work with her??? I couldn’t comprehend that lolol. 

[carterftm]

11/24/17

Shaking & trying to cry in the break room :) will update later.

**Edit Bad day. Someone in the storage room (where employees put their coat/bags) dropped my coat & bag on the ground, and spilt my big ass water bottle EVERYWHERE (got wallet/earbuds/battery case/more) & left it. I was like angry at that for a little while but got over it.

Then, my manager said I work in the “packing” area. I was like oh ok. After having a few minutes to think to myself, I realized she put me in the packing area due to her classifying me as a girl (the dudes work in the docks and only 3 chicks including the manager works there too). If I were holding anything, I would have dropped it lol. I was like devastated and (due to it being like 12 or 1am) I was tired and overemotional, and the rest of the day I was trying not to cry.

I worked 11pm to 7:30am that day (because black friday), I almost cried in the break room during my lunch break, almost cried during my last 15min break, cried at the bus stop, on the bus, and at home (where I also relapsed lol).

Slept for like 6ish hours, went back to work and worked 6pm-10pm. Don’t remember if anything happened then.

[carterftm]

dope! not gonna get kicked out for starting HRT! (as long as it’s no needles; androgel here i come!)  ....oh god $150 prescription. 

[carterftm]

11/15/17 So, yesterday, while at work I had to initial something and initialed it as (birthname first initial) “_.B.” and I was like wtf cus I haven’t gone by that name for 2 yrs now.

Today, my manager misgendered me (she has called me “he/him” pronouns since I started working, up until today) and at first I was like ?? but now I’m just sad lol. I didn’t correct her. Literally, that day and a few days earlier I kept saying (in my head) how privileged I was to pass pre-T in the workplace. And then this happens r i p me.

Also got asked how old I was twice today (because I look 13, not 18) by other employees at my work. It happens LITERALLY every time I go to work and I’m tired / frustrated / sort of dysphoric about it. 

It also sort of sucks because I work with the other men in the warehouse so I gotta lift heavy & do more physical work, but I’m pre-T so I don’t have ANY strength behind my noodle arms. Damn. 

[carterftm]

11/12/17

Damn, I just got emotional because I’m privileged enough to pass at work. It may be because my name is changed legally & how I dress, but I am so very thankful I’m able to pass 90% of the time pre-T.