carlacachu

[carlacachu]

Sharing this thing God told me today in response to the question that I have brewing in my head. The question: Why does it seem like I never run out of problems? Why do the problems seem heavier than it should be when I maintain a close relationship with the Lord?

The answer—simple, illustrated, and very clear.

God reminded me of that moment when the disciples were crossing a lake (Matthew 8:23-27) and a fierce storm drew strong winds, rocking the boat.

The disciples, in a panic. Fearing for their lives. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Jesus, asleep. In perfect peace.

You see, being a follower of Christ does not ensure complete freedom from pain & suffering; free from problems and things to worry about. If you see unbelievers living their life worry-free or with problems too simple compared to yours, it’s not because you have Jesus that makes your life more miserable. In fact, the only best part about your life since knowing Jesus is having Jesus.

Like the disciples in the story where Jesus calms the storm, where He can be found sleeping in the midst of the chaos, you have Jesus too—which is the thing that sets our life apart from those who don’t believe.

Jesus’ reaction is the message. It’s not to mean you shouldn’t fear or worry; it’s not to invalidate how you feel when you’re overwhelmed—I have Jesus in my life too, yet I have those days too. However, this is a reminder of how our stance should be.

With Jesus, you can have perfect peace.

As Jesus calmed the storm, that showed the disciples who He truly is & what He’s capable of, surrender all your worries & fears to the Lord and see how He handles all of them for you. Be a witness of His glory & sovereignty and tell the world how He did it all for you. And when you do, when you finally surrendered all of the weight to Him, know that you can have the best sleep, the most perfect peace. All while He handles & calms the storm. 💖

[carlacachu]

Good morning. Time for coffee 💖

[carlacachu]

Wild, but God.

Probably in the most exhausting seasons of my life. What started in October 2023 extends to this day; and I don't know until when this is all going to last. What I presumed to be getting better, improving, is actually getting worse. Clearly, God is teaching me to wait on His timing, to trust in His purpose, and to grow my faith. However, there are far more things He also led me to realize and I'd like to share them with whoever is reading.

I realized that He also wants me to grow closer to Him; build a relationship with Him. You see, I've been a lukewarm Christian all my life. And while this present circumstance has only led me to hold on to Him for dear life, the lack of visible improvement is also throwing me off my "game". It's making me feel miserable and disappointed. While there are other aspects of my life that are considerably okay, the biggest part of my life, which is my marriage, is just all over the place. And what this current state is revealing to me is where all my faith and hope rests -- it's not really on God, it's on my husband's. Still. That God isn't my top priority still, but my husband. He's still my world and not the Lord...which is exactly why I'm in this situation (Read Hosea 2:13-20 for context).

Aside from that, He is also teaching me to be patient in my waiting season. It's so easy to get off track with all the existing dating apps and all the friends I made through the years. Once they become aware of my current relationship status, I immediately receive blind date offers. And while it is all so flattering, a constantly nudging voice keeps on telling you how it is not right at all; that if I get too involved or go past talking stage, it's never going to work out so well; that my stay in the "wilderness" will only be prolonged, that it will only get worse from here. That I'm controlling the story God is writing.

Also, in my waiting season, He has helped me realize a few more things: focus on working on yourself. God knows me well enough that once He returns my husband, that I will no longer be able to invest as much as I could today towards myself. I will be more restless and divided (for the right reasons). That I will no longer be able to pursue the graduate school degree I'm currently pursuing since I will be all about being a 100% wife mode. That my priorities will shift away from taking care of myself to taking care of the entire household as it has been that way for the first two years of our marriage. I don't even have a hobby for crying out loud.

Ultimately, God is teaching me to surrender. It's a word common to everyone, but not easy to do.

[carlacachu]

I’ve been feeling really discouraged and disappointed lately.

Discouraged by my present situation.

Disappointed by the fact that nothing seems to be happening. Not the slightest bit of improvement despite incessant prayers.

And I feel more disappointed by the way the other parts of my life are also falling apart — studies, work. Hate the fact that I can only commit to do the barest minimum just to get by because I know I don’t just get things done, I hustle real hard; 0 or 100.

But that’s just how I’ve been lately. To anyone wondering why I only post dogs, verses, repost funny things online, I’m trying to get the most out of the happy things and encouragement I can get.

[carlacachu]

I'm turning 32 soon, so here's my random 32:

8 things I want to do before I turn 33 (lol):

finish reading the bible

finish reading all the self-help books i bought since 2022 (i'm really lousy)

achieve my 20 kgs weight loss aspiration

build better systems for myself

go camping alone with my dogs (the last time i did that, i was with friends and i was very mediocre at best in terms of preparation)

finally decide on what side hustle i wish to go with and

start that side hustle

finally get a tattoo

8 learning nuggets I intend to live by:

always choose to be kind

never repay evil with evil

God is the only audience

resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple (Job 5:2)

always consider others better than yourself

deny yourself, carry your cross, follow Him

my work is my ministry; the quality of my work is my offering to God

love God, love others

8 lessons learned in life (so far):

life is not just about getting things done

God is the author, we are only characters

bad company corrupts good character (1 Cor. 15:33)

one's worth is not defined by anything

never think you're better than anyone

humility is the hardest lesson in life

what goes around DOES come back around

quality over quantity. always.

8 things I am genuinely grateful for:

my current situation with my husband: if not for this, I would have never turned to God and build a relationship with Him. it's very hard, and I miss my husband so much - his affection towards me, everything. but if God never let me go through this, I would have been a lukewarm Christian forever.

my husband, still: he's not perfect, and so am I. but I am still grateful that he's in my life.

my family: they've always been there for me. literally my constants.

my husband's family: very supportive since day 1.

my friends (Ana, Badeth, Ricka, Chi, Jong): it feels unrequited because I was never equally kind to them in terms of time and effort, but always open to listen.

my home church: for the faith sustained through relationships built in church.

my faith mentors: helps me persevere through very challenging days.

God: for everything.

[carlacachu]

how to stay motivated long-term

trust, me i know that long-term motivation and consistency is hard. long-term motivation might be difficult to maintain, but there are effective techniques to help you stay focused and determined. whether you're seeking personal ambitions, academic achievements, or professional success, here are some strategies to help encourage motivation:

understand the reason behind your goal ☆ does your goal contribute to personal growth or meaningful relationships? ☆ how does your goal impact others? ☆ is your goal meaningful to you? if your goal lacks meaning, it may be hard to maintain motivation.

positive and negative motivation motivation can come from different places ☆ positive motivation: the desire to experience pleasure ☆ negative motivation: the desire to avoid something (an outcome) both types of motivation have their place, so learn to recognise what type fits in where. (post on this coming soon)

set up systems use your initial motivation to set up structures: ☆ create routines, systems and habits that help you towards your goal even when your motivation fluctuates ☆ when your emotions wane, rely on these systems and disciplines to maintain momentum

break down goals ☆ tackle one goal at a time to avoid feeling overwhelmed ☆ set achievable milestones and celebrate each step forward ☆ keep the momentum going by focusing on manageable tasks

validate good work ☆ give yourself a little reward, or thank yourself, for completing hard tasks ☆ this reinforces motivation and encourages effort

remember--motivation isn't in a constant state, it ebbs and flows. these small tips will help to stay motivated. i'm going to provide more information in upcoming posts, and i will link them here once they are published.

luck on your journey ❤��

[carlacachu]

1st quarter down.

Down to the last two weeks of March and I have never felt more “away” than I ever was. It felt like a push and pull situation, where the harder I try to pull myself closer to the intention, the further I am pushed back?

I started this year off sort of at the right foot: set my intentions, listed my action steps towards each of my intentions, and sincerely prayed for each of them. I remember explaining to God why I wanted these things (i think I posted about them before), when I also know that He fully discerns what’s in my heart.

However as March began, I felt like I was being pulled away from the intended direction. Rather than getting closer, I am thrown away from the path I was taking. And I remember listening (I was doing chores) to this Youtube video about the story of Job (from the Bible). And the reason for me wanting to listen to his story is because like him, I’ve been experiencing a series of tribulations lately; and I wanted to see myself in his story; hopefully gain inspiration. Anyway, the video mentioned something that kind of rebuked me: Was the reason why Job obeyed was because there is blessing in obedience?

And it hit me. Was the reason I do my best to obey is so I can experience the fruit/s of my obedience? That the reason why I worry about doing wrong things, is because I might push the blessing away? So this morning as I prayed, I remember asking God to correct my heart and mind. To empty my heart from the desire of the blessing, to take my eyes off of the fruit and just focus on Him, in the process, in the sincerity of my intentions? Because I realized that none of these efforts matter. He’s the only audience, yet as seen by many others, applauded or whatever by others, I know God isn’t fully pleased as the seat in my heart for Him, has already been filled by the desire I already have.

So as this month opens, the second quarter of the year, I sincerely wish to stick to the intents I set. To sincerely follow through. To have a heart that desires Him only and not anyone’s appreciation or attention.

—

Have to end it here tho i think i have more to say haha. A little abrupt haha. It’s almost 12mn and my chores are waiting on me.

[carlacachu]

A needless update to no one :)

I've been meaning to post something for a while now, because so much has happened since my last one hehe. I've been busy...and a little preoccupied by many other things.

So as of late February, I moved back in with my husband. And while the timing was off (because of what's going on with his personal life too), I did so anyway. It was something I should have done a long time ago; I should have never left in the first place. And after seeking proper advice for this, and by proper, I mean reliable Christian adults, I moved back in. However it's not exactly the same (which is expected). Since my husband is not completely sold out on this idea, I took the second bedroom to give him his space. I give my share of household expenses; I did his laundry once but he asked me not to do it anymore so I just sort his laundry for him; I cook when he confirms having dinner at home, sometimes breakfast too; and keep the house clean despite having 6 dogs (and yes, 6).

A side note: If I'm being honest, I was a little hesitant moving back in too for 2 selfish reasons. 1) After living on my own for 4 months, I became too accustomed to being alone: the silence; the eating what I want, when I want mindset; and 2) My time with the Lord. The second reason was my biggest concern. I felt worried thinking my husband would find it weird that I now post verses and reflections on my wall (I didn't do this prior to moving out), that I now say lengthy prayers before my day starts and as I end my day, that I spend a good amount of time reading the Bible and singing gospel music. I got worried that he might think I lost my mind or something. However, since he's out of the house most of the time (and it's because I'm home, that's why, and he confirmed), I got to do these routines I have with Jesus. There are days that I've become a little inconsistent, but I do my best to bounce back right away.

Will be posting more this week, I promise. I wanted to share something that's truly impacted me on this journey I fondly call "wilderness", which will also be explained in the next two posts that I'll be making.

But I have to go, haha. I have to go back to checking papers.

[carlacachu]

1/2 weekend learning dump

attending this annual 95% gratis training for the very first time. completely unaware that this has been going on for years now, so i’m very pleased that i’m here ❤️

it’s 95% gratis because the only things you have to spend on are your main meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner) and your transportation. they cover the entire training expense (speakers & venue), snacks (am & pm), and some of the (lucky) participants’ lodging (dorm style).

learned a lot already. managed to get a few prizes for participating. but most importantly, loved the long drive. it’s quite exhausting, but nothing like a long drive that clears the head.

almost 12mn here, but there’s a paper i still have to finish for grad school.

— in line with grad school, btw, i’ve been planning to disappear from social media. to be silent because i’m tired — mentally and emotionally. but since i’m a habitual social media person, i will still be active on ig under a different username. will be doing a lot of studyblr & work things. since that’s all i do mostly…and a little furmom situation.

my marriage is not really going well. and it’s clouding my judgment, that makes focusing on really important things like meeting deadlines and actually doing my job the right way is all on hold. i just want for all of this tormenting pain to be over, but also not giving up on hope that it will all be better in His time.

right now, just doing my best in keeping a positive mindset on things.

[carlacachu]

a little off :(

you know, i've been okay for a while now. or maybe that's what i tell myself for months now.

february is love month, and i used to love love. it's never a foreign concept to me, at least for the last 9 years. and although the way my husband and i celebrated the love month waned through the years, it still is the same thing for me. it's that time to celebrate love.

however, since he decided that we part ways last year, and that we barely spoke since then, i feel this gaping hole in my heart yearning for him to love me back...again. and i'm writing this with eyes welling up, it's been months, but the pain remains the same. it never healed. if anything, i was just distracted by the busy work i have and all the deadlines, but nothing has changed within me. i still love him so much, it hurts me that we're not together, and that he thinks we can never work our differences out.

throughout this long weekend that just happened (chinese new year), i planned to be productive since i brought work home. but i barely had the drive and the energy to open my laptop and see what i had to do. instead, i filled my weekend with little projects and chores. and this happens to me when i am deeply bothered. but bothered by what? i just happened to face the truth now.

i toxically scroll through social media and then i'd see his posts. how nothing in his posts said anything about love or missing someone. idk. maybe he's just wired not to feel anything? but this is just me giving him credit for not posting anything. i don't know if he ever felt emotional about the status of our marriage. i don't even know if he ever felt sad at all.

i remember this preaching by ptr. craig groeschel (it's on youtube) where he said "spend some quiet time; no music, no talking, nothing -- and allow your soul to tell God what your heart yearns for."

it's almost 4 months now, God. what is the plan? :(

[carlacachu]

I think my prayers for my marriage changed a couple of times ever since my husband asked me to move out. And just to make it clear, even if I likely mentioned this in a previous post, it's not because I was involved in anything or with anyone. It was only because I honestly and verbosely tell him how I feel because barely spent time with me when we were still together.

How my prayers changed:

"God, please make my husband love me again."

"God, please don't let my husband find another woman to love."

"God, I'll do anything, just restore our marriage."

"God, whatever Kim did to me that caused me so much pain, please spare him from your vindication. Please take care of him. Keep him away from harm. Bless him abundantly at work, with his business. Keep him healthy."

To: "God, let Your will be done in our marriage."

I'm not sharing this to show how I slowly decentralized my prayers from me being at the center to Him and His will. What I mean to share is how the desire slowly waned to nothing. Don't get me wrong, I still want my husband back and all, but since nothing's happened since I started fervently praying for him and our marriage (at least from my limited perspective), I feel a little discouraged.

As I am close to spending 4 months away from our home, I begin to feel like nothing is going to happen anymore. I thought my husband would have forgotten about me. That it is a little pointless to pray for our marriage because we won't be together anymore.

My friends would think that it is pointless because it was he who fell out. Some would say separation is normal, that some marriages don't work; that I will find somebody new. But you see, I still hold on to God's word. And with great fear and love for God, comes my faith that seeks to follow what He says, what He said He doesn't like, which includes divorce. He said it in His word -- God hates divorce. That a man should love his wife, and the wife should submit to her husband. I have always believed in all of this, and I hold on to it.

But I can also see myself slowly giving praying for our marriage up. I'm slowly losing faith in this prayer item. And it makes me sad to even write this out because it only makes it real.

Last night, as I started to scroll through Facebook, I saw this post. And it touched me deeply. It rebuked my discouraged soul. It reminded me why I shouldn't be giving up. It reminded me how I should keep my faith firm in this matter, that I should hold on to God (kahit pa sa laylayan na lang ng damit niya) as I pray for my husband and our marriage.

So I will. I will go and continue living this way until He makes it all clear to me what He has been up to throughout this season of my loneliness.

[carlacachu]

Ever felt so small?

Today, Friday, is likely one of the longest Fridays I have ever had.

Went to work and only had 1 class on Fridays now so I thought I’d be able to accomplish many, if not, all of the tasks I planned to today.

That’s quite optimistic, unfortunately, because today was just so full of surprises that I was only able to do one thing: check my students’ notebooks.

But that’s not really the main reason for why I feel small. Lol.

As I drove home tonight, exhausted, picked up my dogs and the laundry I hung last night to dry, my mom asked me to edit this government resolution she was drafting (because she works there and she’s iffy about the grammar). While editing, I was thinking what I’ll have for dinner because it’s past 9 at this point and then my dad came. He asked if I wanted to get ramen, his treat.

Honestly, I was already hesitant because with my thinking while editing, I already booked a meal via Grab. But he looked like he wanted ramen and I thought he’s not like this on a regular basis. So I said yes and I’ll get ready in a bit.

We were about to go and I handed him the keys to my car, because he hates how “fast” I drive. Everyone in the family hates my driving, actually. They complain about how fast it is, so I was shocked when he insisted that I drive instead. When he got in the car, that’s when I smelled him reeking of alcohol.

We drove. And off his drunken blabber started. Overthinking at this point, I was worried about how he would behave once we got to the ramen place. How giddy he’s going to be like and all the senseless things he’d say. I was close to turning the car around so we can just go home and sleep instead because the yapping won’t stop.

At the ramen place, we ordered, talked, and ate. What he did next, however, is just beyond me. So he ordered some sort of a rice bowl meal and upon finishing it, he CASUALLY handed the bowl over to the stray cat waiting on the table next to ours so the cat can eat IN IT. Imagine the look on the faces of other customers when they saw what he did. I don’t mind feeding strays, and I don’t mind placing pets’ food on containers, BUT NOT WHERE CUSTOMERS HAVE THEIR MEALS SERVED IN TOO. I felt so small, being the person sitting in front of him, with him, that I wanted to fit under the small table we were eating at.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad so much. Everything he’s been doing for me ever since moving back in with them means everything to me. But with his drinking and his behavior that comes with his drinking, I feel so small, shocked, and embarrassed. Throughout the meal, I can’t even look at him because he was too drunk, I’m just far too concerned about how his behavior would affect other customers.

[carlacachu]

Went to Coldplay’s concert (finally, but alone).

I remember the first time I had the desire to see the band perform live, I was still in college (I think). After seeing the Youtube video of the band performing “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall” in Glastonbury, I vowed to see the band in flesh at least once in this lifetime.

When they came to the Philippines for the first time, however, I was so flat out broke that I can’t even afford the Gen Ad tickets. It was sad, until they announced their tour in 2022.

When they announced their tour, I was still living with my husband. And I’m not sure if he gets it, but the way I love and would want to see Coldplay perform live is not even close to how I feel towards other bands out there. Yes, I listen to other artists, too, but it’s different with Coldplay. I cry to “Daddy”, I mourn with “Everglow”, I fall in love with “A Sky Full of Stars”. I resonate with each of their songs. Well, except for “Yellow”.

So for this tour in particular, I made sure I’ll be there. In October, I signed up to serve at the Elections and with the measly amount of money I was supposed to save for the concert, I paid my credit card bill.

The bonus I received in November slowly burned to dust as I try to complete my things in my new home after moving out (plot twist: it’s still incomplete, but we’ll get there someday).

When December rolled in, with all the incentives and salary cashing out, I finally got the tickets but paid in installments because I opted to get really nice seats. By seats, I meant 2 tickets. Because even if my relationship with my husband turned sour, I intended to take him with me.

I counted down the days to the concert soon as January started. Every day, whenever I feel sore and tired from work, I motivate myself with the concert my husband and I will get to see in just a few more sleeps.

Alas, the week of the concert came, and after days of being told thatvhe will see if he will accompany me, begging him to do this for me at least for the last time, he declined altogether. He won’t join.

It really dragged my spirit down, just after spending a week of fasting and praying at church. It’s like all the air on earth had been sucked out of me. It really broke my heart. After saying all the nasty things out of feeling hurt by his decision (not to mention, lousy excuse), I gave up.

I posted the ticket online for sale, but thought I’d rather not. That it’s really meant for him so why should I make it available for someone else? Coldplay is really special to me so why bring someone else? Why travel to the venue and sit beside someone I barely know and have no profound memories/sharings with?

So I went on my own. Drove, queued, sang, cried, screamed, and drove back home on my own. It was a memory I’ll never forget for a right reason: it’s Coldplay. A promise to self made happen. A really special band with really special music.

Post-concert: I was completely sidetracked by my heartbreak. I forgot about my goals, my plans for the year. And I am constantly nudged to go back to the habits I carefully formed. So I don’t know. Maybe i’ll be back. Maybe tonight? We’ll see.

[carlacachu]

Remembering my husband through this meal.

No, he didn’t die. Read previous posts for reference?

Why this meal of all meals? It’s just we have this for dinner on lazy days. I love being his wife. I love being able to take care of him every day. And I think I get to do that best by making him dinner.

I’m never the cooking type before I married him. But as soon as I changed my last name, I went into a strong Japanesey stay at home wife core. Enjoyed chores, enjoyed cooking, enjoyed the silence which I never did before. I love being creative on dinners, exploring ingredients I never knew, recipes I never tried. But on weekend nights when we’re just trying to relax, this is dinner. It’s quick and easy, it hits the spot too — the belly filling and the nostalgia of the “Maling” meatloaf.

Sadly though, tonight, I’m having this alone. I miss my meal buddy.

[carlacachu]

In my Korean drama viewing phase again.

I did my best avoiding these lovely shows online for two reasons: 1) they have the tendency to lure you into watching them and stop whatever it is you’re working on; and 2) the love, the kind of guys showed in these dramas are just too good to be true. It just feels like guys like these: attractive, gentle, and loving are just roles no one in the real world seems to fulfill or live as.

So after avoiding them for a while, I fell into the trap of watching them again for no reason at all besides procrastination & sheer boredom from work tasks.

Currently watching “Something In The Rain” and it’s about a career woman in her 30s, falling in love with her best friend’s younger brother after her (long term, I think) relationship ended (her previous boyfriend’s kind of a douche though; left her for a younger woman and then proceeded to beg her to be back when their relationship also ended).

What I love about Korean dramas: the fashion, lifestyle (not the drinking part), food (I’d always feel hungry), the weather, the plot, and the visuals. Always a joy to see the bright, cool, but also warm and cozy vibe of these dramas.

What I least like: the love story. It reminds you of what you don’t have.

And watching this drama in particular, at this very point in my life, I sincerely wish I have someone who loves me just the same. I mean, don’t we all want to be loved? I miss being loved by my husband.

I miss having his hand to hold while walking or driving. I miss longing to come home to see him a few hours later. I miss sneaking phone calls with him any time of the work day just to check on each other. I miss sharing meals with him. I miss smelling him, feeling him.

And whatever sort of longing that I feel, the longing for love, I will never long to be loved by anyone else on this earth but by my husband alone.

I know I should be patient in my waiting, but sometimes I wish this is all over. I wish it never happened. I wish I am still loved.

[carlacachu]

So a happy thing just happened. You know what’s next: yet another blog post. Lol.

Just this morning, while feeding the dogs, I realized how much I needed the payday to come sooner. I have 4 chihuahuas and I sincerely worry where will I get their next fill when the kibbles container runs empty. I’d give them 2 scoops of kibbles each, but again, since it’s nearly empty, I gave them 1 scoop each with 1/2 cup of boiled squash. Next meal is dinner. And my anxiety’s high. I have no money left, and the container will only give 1 scoop of kibbles each. I will have to make up for the lack of food through boiled squash again.

Left them at my mom’s so they can play while I go to work.

Before working, though, I spent a good amount of time with God. I savored in praying and read His word. I was so happy about it that I completely forgot about the dog food problem. Of course I asked for His provision, but I didn’t ask for peace to ease my anxiety. I forgot about it too. Haha.

Went with my routines afterwards: took a bath, had breakfast (peanut butter sandwich), worked, had lunch and the most amazing thing happened: CITY HONORARIUM CAME. It’s not much, really. But it was enough for me to buy 17 kilograms of dogfood — and still have money left.

Didn’t use all of it on dogfood, however. Bought dogfood, paid the money I owed from my dad, and thought I’d still something for carwash and a few liters of gas for my car.

I’m still weighed by the month’s bills. One of them was due yesterday. But I thought I could still wait for the payday is coming up. Opened up my Messenger account and saw the announcement saying our end of month’s salary came in today as well.

Oh how grateful I truly am. Just now, I was able to pay all my bills and still have little for anything that might come up.

Praising God for His very timely blessing ❤️🙏🏻