caramels-diary

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Got too comfortable.. THE EMBARRASSMENT I WONT BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT

Trying really hard not to get too comfortable with my university colleagues and impulsively say something stupid or hug them

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Trying really hard not to get too comfortable with my university colleagues and impulsively say something stupid or hug them

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31/10/2024 (Halloween!)

Hello, reader

I wasn't celebrating Halloween this year but it was just as fun. I'm currently at my grandma's to celebrate.. how do i say it? "polish halloween" - basically Day of the Dead (we go to graveyard and stuff). And im really happy cause ive gotten into vintage/retro stuff and i just got some old pins from my grandpa świętej pamięci.

I also just got a new radio player and now i can finally play all the cassettes i found in the attic. Really excited about that.

So yeah that's it, Jarocin is a really nice city that holds a lot of good memories for me. I wish it was my birth place and im just starting to appreciate it now.

Always when im at my grandma's i think of ice-skating (literally no reason, this house just gives me the vibe) So i guess now i have one new thing to look forward to this winter :)

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I swear the moment i realized skinner jeans actually give you more passing it was life changing

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strangers be calling me miss then i look like this.

Literally im begging tell me what am i doing wrong.

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halloween make up :) im going for something victorian gothic

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Cut my hair :)

Listen, the back of the hair is NOT up to debate. it'll grow out nicely, just needs some time lol.

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23.10.2024

Hello, reader!

Today i slept for almost 14 hours, which is sick considering yesterday I didn't get a single hour of sleep.

Studies are going good. Lots of work and boredom sometimes but in general its great. I was worried one of my mates started ignoring me, but yesterday convinced me he really appreciates me! Im happy cause that's the type of a person who i feel truly safe with (even if we've known each other less than a month :P)

Also, one of my friends from german course just told me something absolutely shocking. She looks about 19 years old and we've been getting along so well just like teenage besties. Yesterday she told me she was 28 and getting married soon???? I wish i could've seen my face, that was so unexpected.

Besides, i feel like im slooowly renewing contact with my best friend, who's been silent for SO long. Made me worry sick for her. I need to find out what was going on, i hope nothing bad. For the record, she does really care about me, its just as if there was a physical obstacle to keep in touch.

Anyway, it seems like the next week/months are going to be fun! Still fighting for gender transition but i have stuff to distract myself with. Halloween is incoming, im gonna start meeting with my best friend more (hopefully!), working on a nice place for hanging out in the attic, and autumn seems to be so cozy this year :)

Bis gleich!

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please, tell me HOW IN THE WORLD this fit makes me feel dysphoric???? It literally slays so much and my dysphoria hits in saying sweathers arent manly enoughh 🤪🤪😜 YOUR MOM ISNT MANLY ENOUGH SHUT UP

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I sometimes REALLY can't tell if it's gender envy or just attraction. Im aromantic and I can't imagine myself dating anyone. Yet i keep staring at these men and i blush? I wanna be like them but also i want an interaction, a small talk, a hug. Some of the youtubers i fixate on dont feel like real people to me and i get obsessed to the point i feel physically sick. But when it comes to real romantic situations i run away and feel really uncomfortable.

I couldn't possibly be gay, could i?? I wouldn't date a man but why are they so..

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There is a lot of things that make me doubt im a valid trans person. Id really love to have the mentality of a cis man but i catch myself acting feminine, having feminine interests and just thinking like a woman in general. That makes me feel horrible sometimes. Im intensively searching for cis men representations that are just like me so i can feel valid but its almost impossible to find any public personas like that. I feel like ill never really have the mentality of a man and ill just be stuck with the girlhood coded in my brain forever. I already limit myself a lot just so i dont appear potentially feminine. I don't dye my hair, i dont have percing, i dont dress fancy, i dont do my make up, i dry text and i can't even sit comfortably.

Transphobia has shaped my mindset in a transphobic way itself. The more i hear what a proper "man" or "trans man" is supposed to be, the more i start disliking myself presenting in a non passing enough way. I repeat to myself all the things ive heard transphobes say and pressure myself to meet their expectations - To prove transphobes that im the "good" representation of a transgender person. And by that i mean a trans person who doesn't stand out, doesn't talk about their pride or opinions, passes and is pretty much invisible. That's what transphobes want from trans people.

I am aware of that and yet i follow this mindset.

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Having a family party. Im looking for a fit that wouldn't cause me dysphoria but also wouldn't out me too much.. (transmasc)

Any suggestions???

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Unfortunately i got really sick and i had to stay home during pride :(.. Its always like this every year, i should've seen it coming. Like i never get sick in the whole year except for the one day during pride in my city lol. Well i hope i still have the opportunity to meet the person.

Also my friend is insane, she stayed overnight and knowing damn well i have a fever decided to sleep in my bed with me XD.. she was healthy in the morning though

Also that's today's look :) Its rainy and cold outside so my hair wont last long.. But i like the way i look today -> tomorrow's pride!!! I'll keep you posted! (Im also meeting a new person so im excited)

[caramels-diary]

Also that's today's look :) Its rainy and cold outside so my hair wont last long.. But i like the way i look today -> tomorrow's pride!!! I'll keep you posted! (Im also meeting a new person so im excited)

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(The next day)

I should stop overthinking.. I just met him and this guy is like.. really sweet and i just prepared myself to get defensive. I was literally imagining the worst scenarios what a cis man would do in an interaction with a trans man. Maybe i do need to chill out. Nobody's judging me. Now im gonna have fun for the rest of the day. My anxiety went away knowing im with safe people:)

13.09.24

Hello! Its currently 6 am and i have critical sleep problems. I need to wake up at 9 am because im going to a cinema with my friendss.. 2 hours away by a car but sure, ill sleep in the car lol. Also my friend's boyfriend is going as well and ive never been out to a cis man before (well, except my dad) This time he already knows and im kinda worried if he'll accept me but eh. I mean he probably will. I hope i wont fall asleep in the cinema because jeez im getting NONE of it tonight. (transformers btw) (havent watched a single transformers movie)

[caramels-diary]

13.09.24

Hello! Its currently 6 am and i have critical sleep problems. I need to wake up at 9 am because im going to a cinema with my friendss.. 2 hours away by a car but sure, ill sleep in the car lol. Also my friend's boyfriend is going as well and ive never been out to a cis man before (well, except my dad) This time he already knows and im kinda worried if he'll accept me but eh. I mean he probably will. I hope i wont fall asleep in the cinema because jeez im getting NONE of it tonight. (transformers btw) (havent watched a single transformers movie)

[caramels-diary]

Thank you so much that's the sweetest thing! ❤️

Hello, reader

This entry is really important to me as i wish to start working on honesty with myself and no longer hiding emotions. I have been having such a big problem with who i am and it's an intrusive thought of mine that won't be silenced by any distraction.

So here i am now. I'm Caramel and I'm trans. I am incredibly worried of my future and whether my decisions will be the right ones. There's this voice screaming in my head that i will regret everything, that i will never be able to feel at home with myself, that i will never find myself.

But im starting to dig into my mind and i know, deep down, that this is the only right way for me.

I will try to be more honest with myself and my latest entries. Hiding it only makes it worse for me.

Thank you for reading, whoever did ❤️