caramels-diary

[caramels-diary]

I sometimes really feel like my dreams are transphobic against me.

My dysphoria started being more intense about a year ago when i broke up with my girlfriend and for a moment i was convinced it was the break up's fault - some PTSD or something until i realized it might be because after the break up i started feeling more free to search for the true me. Recently i had a dream where i finally spoke to my ex after a year and told her that im trans. She immediately said "Ohhh!! It's PTSD! Don't worry there's this specific medical case called (insert nonexistent medical case here) that makes you think youre trans after you break up with your girlfriend. It's treatable!" and then i said "Wait you're actually right!! im not trans, thank you for telling me that! Im gonna start the treatment right away!" And i was magically "cured" and no longer trans! :D Seriously, why the fuck would my dream show me that? Im so mad. I already had it hard questioning my whole existence and youre NOT making it any easier for me. Thanks, brain.

[caramels-diary]

14.12.2024

Hello again,

My birthday wasn't the worst after all. Of course it was kinda awkward with my sister's friends at first but i was just switching from their group to my room alone where i was just reading a manga and drinking wine. Later my parents called me to join the Christmas party at our neighbors'. The party was pretty cool! It was outside so it was kinda cold but there were two fireplaces, mulled wine, cake etc. And we helped the kids who were playing hide and seek. One ran up to us and said he needed to hide under the chair. i have no idea how he managed to fit under there and especially how did others manage to find him but it was funny. I also listened to lots of life stories of my neighbors and parents. Actually, now we still have guests over and i really stink of fireplace + im maybe slightly drunk from all the wine 😅... So im gonna wait until they leave to shower. Yeah, today wasn't as bad!

[caramels-diary]

Hello, reader!

I'm kinda sad cause no one came to my birthday party. Yk when people picture this situation its like the most depressing thing in the world, and its not like that for me. Im just a little sad but overall its okay. Apart from that, im not a little child anymore. After all im 19 now, i shouldn't be throwing birthday parties anymore in the first place lol.

So I think ill spend my birthday with my computer. Oh by the way the other day i built a desk all by myself! It was really satisfying.. well, maybe if i didn't hit myself with a hammer a few times, but screwing the screws is so relaxing! At first i thought.. okay no I can't do that, im gonna wait for my dad. But then i thought hey it was meant for a normal human to build so why can't i? and i built the entire thing :D. Im so proud of myself, really! And i learned a lot.

So yeah, Christmas break is soon, my (very conservative) grandma is coming with my aunt and uncleee, probably gonna write about how it went!

For now, see you!

Caramel

[caramels-diary]

Hello, everone

I wonder if someone has ever only invited their colleagues from university to a birthday party and how awkward that was cause i seriously have no friends to invite 💀 and i want a bd party!

Like hey ik we've only known each other for like 3 months without even knowing anything about our private lives but wanna come over to my party cause in lonely af ^^

naw.. sounds bad. God! i wish I wasn't an overthinker!!! Only now at the university im meeting so many new, various personalities. That's an amazing experience to just observe and analyse people. And some of them, to my BIG surprise, are the opposite of socially awkward. I still havent figured them out. While im here overthinking my every move and word, they can say the biggest second hand embarrassing stuff and be proud of it. Like that one time in art class when the russian girl made a really confusing joke about spongebob and she was the only one laughing out loud at it. I love her so much, she's so silly.

Or that one girl who randomly sat next to me and kept whispering some comments i had no idea how to reply to.

But how come i get embarrassed for someone whos shameless? I think, oh god they drew so much negative attention to themselves, it must be so embarrassing, but in reality they dont care at all. And i get ashamed of asking someone to give me my pen back! actually i asked that question in three different languages cause i got nervous. I said "Wait, kurwa, my Kugelschreiber!!" and everyone was giving me weird looks i got so red.

Perhaps that's an opportunity for me to learn how to give a crap less. After all, awkwardness hasnt killed anyone yet, its just unpleasant, but completely harmless. And if i want to build my reputation, I'll eventually have to draw attention to myself. People can't hate me for doing embarrassing things, if they dont hurt anyone. Especially that im aware of being a truly good and kind person. Some things i say or do will be more or less embarrassing on my account but this is all a part of building reputation after all. And if someone says "god i hate caramel cause they tripped while walking into the classroom, made a grammar mistake on the whiteboard and accidentally said a swear word during their presentation" well, they must have it seriously messed up on the head!

[caramels-diary]

I had no idea how bisexual i am and it feels weird to say it out loud after being a lesbian but i am so fucking bisexual and i only realised it after coming out as transmasc (AKA realising that i didnt wanna be in a male-female relationship because of my dysphoria so i rejected being attracted to men) But now as im comfortable with my gender identity holy fuck.

We're working in three people group with one pretty girl and one adorable hungarian dude and im just trembling cause im surrounded by hot people. By hot i mean cute af and im just a blushing mess thereee..

(im asexual on top of that lmao)

[caramels-diary]

I have no idea how to talk to women. There's this one girl in my group at uni and she's sooo cool and original but i have no idea how to speaaakk. She's writing a term paper about such an interesting subject and i wish i could get to know her more but i dont wanna be annoying or anything 💀

Ah god help me.

[caramels-diary]

My transition goal is a viking. Should i be concerned for myself?

[caramels-diary]

The train conductor was checking my ticket like "This one's for a .. girl??" and asked me for my ID.

Im pre everything, convinced i look nothing like a man and this just comforted me so much. He thought i was a boy.. 9^9

[caramels-diary]

My mid aged transmasc oc :)

He’s a closeted teacher, always happy to help and really intelligent.

[caramels-diary]

My parents been calling me EVERYTHING but my chosen name because they still feel weird about it.

There was:

the male version of my deadname,

the male version of my sister's name,

the czech version of my chosen name,

my brother's name.. simply,

the female version of my chosen name,

the nickname my ex gf would call me

or just my deadname.

I feel like i really cannot complain cause it's almost a miracle to be trans and have parents who don't kick you out of the house but every time i hear obviously dodging the subject of me being trans i cringe so much.

[caramels-diary]

Being sleepy from leak of sleep + having an adhd energy boost feels like my body's taking screenshots

[caramels-diary]

Got too comfortable.. THE EMBARRASSMENT I WONT BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT

Trying really hard not to get too comfortable with my university colleagues and impulsively say something stupid or hug them

[caramels-diary]

Trying really hard not to get too comfortable with my university colleagues and impulsively say something stupid or hug them

[caramels-diary]

31/10/2024 (Halloween!)

Hello, reader

I wasn't celebrating Halloween this year but it was just as fun. I'm currently at my grandma's to celebrate.. how do i say it? "polish halloween" - basically Day of the Dead (we go to graveyard and stuff). And im really happy cause ive gotten into vintage/retro stuff and i just got some old pins from my grandpa świętej pamięci.

I also just got a new radio player and now i can finally play all the cassettes i found in the attic. Really excited about that.

So yeah that's it, Jarocin is a really nice city that holds a lot of good memories for me. I wish it was my birth place and im just starting to appreciate it now.

Always when im at my grandma's i think of ice-skating (literally no reason, this house just gives me the vibe) So i guess now i have one new thing to look forward to this winter :)

[caramels-diary]

I swear the moment i realized skinner jeans actually give you more passing it was life changing

[caramels-diary]

strangers be calling me miss then i look like this.

Literally im begging tell me what am i doing wrong.

[caramels-diary]

halloween make up :) im going for something victorian gothic