captainkaknuckles

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goals: bill nye enthusiasm

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The worst feeling ever is like, “well I’m really fucking used to this happening but it still really fucking hurt”

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“Someday someone is going to love you as much as you loved everyone else and I hope to god, you’ll let that happen.”

— A.M.// let yourself be loved (via tullipsink)

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By Mark Seliger For Oops!…I Did It Again Album - 2000

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“Pokémom”

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I challenge you up

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I unno what meme this is, but I’m here for this.

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One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.

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In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.

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What secret will you take to your grave?

In Dutch, when you boil an egg and then place it into cold water to make it easier to peel an egg, it’s called “to scare” the eggs.

One day when I was about 6 or 7, my mom asked me to “scare” the eggs. So, little joker I was, lifted the lid of the pan and yelled “BOOO!”

My mom cracked up and has been telling this story ever since, for over 20 years. She’s come to love the story and still truly thinks that I wanted to really “scare” the eggs. Truth is I knew what “scaring an egg” meant and only wanted to make her laugh because she was in a sad place and time back then.

It’s made her laugh for over 20 fucking years, that means it’s the best joke I’ve ever pulled off and I’d die before I’d let her find out I was just kidding.

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today i was so tired between classes that i went to take a nap in a study room in the library but you have to reserve them ahead of time which a lot of people don’t know and they just try to walk in and use one they didn’t reserve so I went ahead and reserved one and then went in and sprawled out on the floor for a quick snooze cruise and multiple times people walked in thinking it was unoccupied and I sat up and they were super startled and then they would be like “you’re supposed to use these for work” and I’d be like “yeah but you’re supposed to reserve the room, which I did”

and it was truly just

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cheating is not “bound to happen” i’ve been alive almost 24 years and not once have i ever thought “hey i wonder what it’d be like to go outside of my relationship and destroy a persons self esteem and ability to trust”

never bitch

cheating is an active choice. its not second nature. and if it is second nature to you, then you need to do some real soul searching and figure out what the fuck went wrong in your life