captaincalamity

[captaincalamity]

i always click the "track package" button as soon as i get the email. "oh boy i wonder where my package is!" warehouse.

[captaincalamity]

[captaincalamity]

I’m watching The Big Bang Theory in its natural setting—playing in the background of a hot spiral room—and I can say within that specific context, it is a very charming show. Like the saltine crackers of media.

[captaincalamity]

sockpuppets used to be believable

[captaincalamity]

fuck i’m trying to catch all these flies but they think my vinegar is stupid. i have honey also but that’s for me i can’t give them any of that

[captaincalamity]

Waking up from your decade long enchanted sleep to learn that, not only is sharing your True Name with the fae okay now, but there's actually a rule against using a false name when entering the faerie market.

Your friends admit that this causes some problems— it's way easier to fall victim to a false deal, or get stolen away now— but everyone goes to the fae market to buy their goods so what are you gonna do? Not see your friends? Go out of your way to buy more expensive stuff from the human market? Yeah right.

Also yes they still perform their light-footed fluttering dances under the silvery light of the full moon, but in order to get in you have to first watch the dancers perform two short plays about why you should shop at certain local businesses. Also if you want to talk about the performance afterwards then you need to trade them your True Name, your home address, your date of birth and your personal interests.

You do this so that the fae can this information on a scroll and give it to local business owners.

Another part of the deal they broke is that nobody may talk negatively about those businesses within the market walls. In fact, your friends say, the enchantment is so effective that it's very difficult to talk negatively about anything at all.

“I know it sounds un-good,” your friend admits. “But there are loopholes.”

“In retrospect,” another friend says, “I wish the town had voted un-yes to teaching the fae about money.”

“On the plus side,” the first friend says, “I hear the market is investing in one of those enchanted statues that responds to questions with deliberately ambiguous riddles, so long as you trade it your memories of secondary school.”

“Oh, cool. Is that why they're burning down the library?”

You wonder if it's too late to go back to sleep.

[captaincalamity]

if i worked at nintendo i would try so hard to make it canon that mario and luigi are red/green colourblind and think theyre wearing the exact same outfit

[captaincalamity]

there's only two ways i see the Homestuck animation thing ending:

1) it never comes out and is quietly canceled

2) extremely loud and public falling-out of everyone involved after episode four gets delayed for like four years, the whole thing neatly documented in a Gio blog post sometime in 2031 with incontrovertible proof that the whole thing was a money laundering scheme to pay for Hussie's illegal underground baby racing ring

[captaincalamity]

[captaincalamity]

My roommate: after you reblogged my post, people started tagging it with fictional characters and I don't know what to do

Me: oh just you wait. When you get enough notes, they'll tag WLW posts with M/M ships.

Me: and one of the men will probably be Tony Stark

[captaincalamity]

This is an interesting thing. Looks like testimonies of people who left the MAGA movement- how they got into it and why.

Leaving a cult is really hard, so I really respect the people who are speaking from this place.

[captaincalamity]

never posted this crochet tapestry that my friend made me for my birthday

[captaincalamity]

watching it’s always sunny for the first time. why does every scene between mac dennis and/or charlie always feel like it’s the first five minutes of a gay porn

[captaincalamity]

Incredible. I don’t think you could create something more prone to insane discourse in a lab.

[captaincalamity]

toby fox is a himedanshi success story

[captaincalamity]

every day british actors wake up and think to themselves fuckkkkk i HAVE to help the incredibly bigoted woman make more money so she can funnel it into killing trans people i have to do it bro if i don't do it i will die

[captaincalamity]

I could solo every single “official” blog, I don’t care how many of them there are. So what if you have the grim reaper, I already fought that guy, won, and came back. Half of them are food and drink I’ll just eat them.