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i think i still refuse to believe that papa is gone. a little part of me is still holding on to the feeling that he’s just out for a bit but he’s always near. mama talks about papa every once in a while. it makes me cry, but silently because i dont want her to know that im crushed and really sad still, because then she’d be sad too. its really hard to act like youre tough all the time, when underneath it all youre hurting. i wanted to talk about this to someone and cry my heart out whilst being held so tightly. but i cant go to a therapist and i cant talk about it to my friends or family. the only person that i trusted to let my guards down is sadly neither here nor there. its not his job to take care of me.. im the person who needs to take care of me. i should know better. and i should try harder not to come back to a person who clearly doesnt want me around, and is trying to move on. im only making the process hard and worse. i deserve better, he does too. the relationship is done, its over, i need to grow up and get over it. people fucking come and people fucking go. they could love you so much today and not care about you the next day. they could want you so badly today and dont want you the next day, and they’ll want and love another person and thats okay too because thats just how it is, so get fucking over it fi. i deserve better than coming back countless of times to an empty space that rejects my presence, a now empty space i once called home. home is not there anymore and i should acknowledge it and stop being all attached and shit, im only hurting myself over and over.. being so attached to someone is something that i, i just wish i wont be attached to anyone that doesnt stay, anymore. once i love you, it doesnt stop, i swear to god it doesnt stop and it hurts really bad, it hurts really bad..

shits are so fucking unbearable.. im barely breathing. people fucking come and people fucking go.. so be it. please plant that seed in your head and let it grow

and i just miss my dad so much, i miss him, i just miss him so much

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i still cry everyday.. during the day.. everytime before i go to sleep.. i cry everyday.. but tonight, i hurt myself.. i know that i shouldnt put expectations and i know i have a very sickening anxious attachment.. once things are not in line with what i expect out of people, i interpert it as the polar opposite when probably they have no intention of hurting me in any way.. how do i reset this anxious attachment and remove it completely ya… it’ll eventually kill me if i dont kill it first, this is so bad.. i might not be able to put myself in another relationship if the thing thats been killing me for years is still here and still is the same.. it still hurts the same, it hurts really bad.. those nights i spent crying alone in this pain, my heart cant take it i swear this hurts so bad id rather be numb sooooo sooo numb id rather be numb im sorry whoever has to put up with me.. this is so bad.. i want to make everything go away.. the pain.. it hurts really bad..

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Manuela Karin Knaut (German, b. 1970)

Punk Muesli Nft, 2021

Mixed media on cardboard

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shoot your shot we're not here forever

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i really be in my room dreading, all i do everyday cuma rs kos rs kos rs kos aja. but today is different, ive just gotten my period this morning, and today was such a drag, my body cant compensate.. balik dari rs sakit semuanya, i wanted to go out to treat myself but i didnt even have the energy and its really saad. Skrg cuma tiduran aja padahal ada yg harus diselsain buat bsk.. i swear i feel like a kid mau ngeluh sambil dielus2 kepalanya sambil dipeluk yg eratttt. udh jarang bgt gaenak badan kayak gini sampe nangis gak sanggup masuk rs bsk and this week is full masuk 6/7 hari.. im legit crying sambil ngetik bener2 capek sm gaenak badan bgt makan aja mual, i need to be comforted like reaaallyyyy reallyyyyyy aaaaaaaaa haha…

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i miss you so much pa.. it hurts more everyday.. the memories, they stick but im scared they’ll eventually fade away.. youre my number 1 weirdo pa, youre my bestfriend. I love you so much papa, rest well, i’ll shower you with prayers, rest comfortably pa, i love you so much papa semoga papa tau ya dan semoga hangatnya sayang ku sampe ke papa, wrapping you up like a blanket!

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Serge Wolf was ready with his camera when he spotted a northern harrier bird of prey getting up close and personal with a black bear sleeping on a hay bale in a field near Salmon Valley. 

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Cherry Harvest