cant-gender-me

[cant-gender-me]

Batman AU

Batman tells Gordon that he doesn't kill. Thinking that it's a legality issue, Gordon deputizes Batman and gives him a gun and badge. Batman of course doesn't use the gun and just figures Gordon is stressed.

After Joker kills a Robin, Gordon starts to deputize the Batfam members.

Gordon: Next time you see that clown. Take. The. Shot. Rookie.

Robin (Tim, tiny ass 14 year old holding a 45 magnum): Umm... Yes sir?

Batman (plus all the Rogues, minions, and citizens of Gotham when Robin shows up with a 45 Magnum):

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jason: i think we should get a divorce

steph: what are you doing?

jason: just practicing

steph: why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?

jason: i don't know. i'm getting old, i think i'm having a mid-life crisis

steph: you don't even have a girlfriend

jason: hypothetically divorce me

steph: okay, then i'm hypothetically taking half your assets

jason: well, you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup

jason, to duke: it's called a prenup, right?

duke: yeah, it's a prenup, and you DID hypothetically sign one

steph: who the fuck is this guy?

duke: i'm his hypothetical lawyer in this divorce case

steph: well, then, i'm taking the hypothetical kids

steph, to tim: right? we can get those, right?

tim: yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids, don't worry about it

jason: who the fuck is this hypothetical fucking idiot? a hella fucking nerd idiot

tim: wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. i need to keep these on for continuity because i look like the other lawyer

steph: this is MY hypothetical lawyer, and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other

jason: how could you hypothetically do this to me?!

steph: because you hypothetically are an alcoholic!

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Itchy snoot. 

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what they don't tell you is that a well-written fic can get you to ship anything, and i mean ANYTHING. notp? not anymore. you will stay up late thinking about and crying over them for the rest of your life. characters you don't even know from a piece of media you've never engaged with? fuck it, they belong to you now. problematic ship that you loved to hate and now just love to love, that you must never tell your friends about? don't worry, ao3 knows how to keep a secret. like. a well-written fic will have you acting UP and that's a fact baby !!

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Jason's love language is 100% touch

I don't care what anyone says I know this man has been craving a nice cuddle under a warm blanket for so long

At first he'll put firm boundaries in place, asking you not to touch him in any intimate way, not unless he initiates it

Which makes total sense considering everything he's been through, all the scars on his body that makes him sick to touch

But over time, surprisingly not a long time, he warms up to your touch and even finds himself craving it

It starts small with an arm around your waist and a warm hand placed in yours, but it quickly turns more intimate

Something he never thought he'd have is suddenly there whenever he wants and he doesn't know how to feel about it

He gets more comfortable with things he never thought would be so nice

He lays his head in your lap as you lay on the couch watching TV, showing a kind of vulnerability neither of you ever expected

He starts sleeping without his shirt on and continuously pulls you closer to him

He almost always has a hand on you now

Now that he's comfortable he's not even gonna think twice before keeping his arm around you or laying his hand comfortably on your thigh

He can't even begin to understand why he feels the happiest he's ever been when you do something as simple as playing with his hair or placing your lips to one of his many scars

Safe to say once he gets to this stage, there's no way to go back

p.s he will totally pout the entire day if you lean away from his touch

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jason's autopsy scars cause some confusion at the red hood annual pool party

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i feel like it says something about us as a species that somebody worked real hard to invent 3D printing when i think anyone who has ever used a printer would agree with me that we have not really gotten our arms around 2D printing yet. we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

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by far the scariest part of this update

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I don't even know what caption to give it

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recently when im tempted to say 'i'm gonna kill myself' i try to correct it into saying "im gonna walk into the river and become a trout" or some other form of that. this is my new thing

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Reblog to put one of these in your mutuals’ pocket when they’re not looking