cannibals-insomnia

[cannibals-insomnia]

What happens when the lights go out, the doors are shuttered, and last call ended 5 minutes ago?

When the music is cut, and the last drink in your hand is quickly poured down your throat while its glass is left on the bar?

What happens after? Knowing that this was the last night of operations? That this gathering spot you’ve spent countless hours in. Meeting many new friends, launching many new fascinations, celebrating many little victories and mourning as many losses. Where do the hours go now? What hours are you left holding awkwardly?

You knew this place isn’t sustainable. You knew it’d end eventually, but that was always some night in the future. A night you couldn’t postpone. The managers tried to run the ship but the constant revolving door of new owners expected this place to be things it was never meant to. To be anything besides what its patrons called home.

What happens when we the patrons are left out in the snow as the only place In town we could gather locks the doors on us. Do we silently walk home alone? Do we gather in someone’s cramped basement? Do we swear off drinking and see each other only at church for our weddings or funeral? What do we do once the blue hell we are trapped in dismisses our tenure. Is that dreaded freedom going to waste our time in any more fulfilling ways?

[cannibals-insomnia]

I hate a mfr that tries to invalidate me anytime I open up about my symptoms.

>”that’s not paranoia, it’s social anxiety “

No bitch, I truly believe that people who are close to me are assigned to me in a large scale murky ass conspiracy and I have to convince myself that is not the case every single day.

>”that’s not a hallucination, everyone has an inner voice. That’s called thinking sweetie :) “

1: Aphantasia is a thing, so not “everyone”

2: having my inner voice constantly drowned out with a cacophony of salt, static and shouting that bleeds into the outside hearing isn’t “thinking” sweaty.

>”are you really delusional or do you just have a wild imagination?”

Look, like I told placeholder 1, my whole perspective of reality is pretty shaky. On top of being dead and stuck in purgatory, being stuck in some reality bender CIA wizard experiment. Having the ghosts of dead natives haunting my blood are all super dense lore wise that i don’t have the energy to go into because you don’t even exist

[cannibals-insomnia]

It really sucks finding out you have had ADHD only after you’ve been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder.

Like, your brain was so starved for some dopamine that it started breaking your sense of reality and will to live. And the medicine they give you basically takes the dopamine crumbs your brain does produce and stomps them into the ground. And the medicines that could help your ADHD are off limits because they could trigger a psychotic mania that could cause you to act on that lack of will to live.

[cannibals-insomnia]

I hate being paranoid of other people’s intentions.

Like, are you planning to rob me? Recruit me to your cult? Sacrifice me to your god? Use my likeness on the punk’d reboot? Trap me in a sadist’s pain pit? Frame me in a high stakes federal crime?

What do you mean by “do you want to be friends?” Like, I’m down for whatever I just don’t want to be lied to.

[cannibals-insomnia]

· Sturm und Drang · Sea Symphony · The Gathering Storm · In Harm's Way · Storm Fugue From Fury Series, 2012 - oil and charcoal on canvas.

― Stephen Hutchings (Canadian, b.1948)

https://stephenhutchings.com/

[cannibals-insomnia]

cool bell dude. who does it toll for

[cannibals-insomnia]

🥀 I NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING

[cannibals-insomnia]

On sunny days i go out walking i end up on a tree lined street i look up at the gaps of sunlight i miss you more than anything

[cannibals-insomnia]

02-27-2023, 9 PM

[cannibals-insomnia]

Water witch

[cannibals-insomnia]

First four days of inktober 2023

Crystal meth mouth.

Decay exists as an extrant form of life

Moon’s haunted

?? …(I just wanted to see a jaw in a lava lamp)

[cannibals-insomnia]

just some drawings i did and where i slapped some words on them.

[cannibals-insomnia]

Me : What is a brain good for anyway?

My brain : *devastates my ambition, makes my nightmares follow me, refuses to reuptake anything it should, yells at me, illuminates the horrors others don’t see, scrambles my vocabulary, forgets everything and wakes me up late in the afternoon. Makes the act of living nearly insufferable but not bad enough to do anything about it, gets addicted to things it shouldn’t and shoots random shocks down my arms and legs.

Me: that’s all you got? Pff. Bogus. I thought you could do amazing things..

My brain : “I know obscure metal band genres, the birthday of everyone you’ve met, pseudoscientific psychology studies, occult practices, drug combinations, social media etiquette and philosophy “

Me : can’t you know useful things. Like money management or the ability to return e-mails or phone calls.

My brain : that’s boring. I can do this though . * full house theme song on repeat for hours*

Me : if I could remember where I put that 50% lobotomy coupon. You’d be in real trouble

[cannibals-insomnia]

The earth isn’t flat.

The earth isn’t round.

The earth is a vampire.

The earth isn’t hollow.

The earth isn’t full.

The earth isn’t on fire.

The earth is a cell.

The earth isn’t heaven.

The earth isn’t hell.

The earth is our mother.

The earth is our keeper.

The earth is a turtle’s shell.

The earth is a bitch.

The earth is a mud ball.

The earth is an oasis.

The earth is a space rock.

The earth is a water cup.

The earth is a hell world.

The earth is a garden.

The earth is everything.

The earth is all of this.

The earth doesn’t exist.

The earth doesn’t like us.

The earth keeps us alive.

The earth allows us to thrive.

The earth is perspective.

None are perfect.

None are mistakes.

All are incomplete

All are whole.

[cannibals-insomnia]

Project and reflect and refract and reflect and refract and reflect and refract and reflect and refract and reflect and refract and reflect and refract and reflect and refract and reflect and refract and reflect and refract.

Assuming what you project outwards in the authentic you and not a construct based on what you assume others think you are.

Just be.

Allow others to be.

Do not force others to not be.

Do not allow others to demand what you don’t want to be.

Do not force others to be

what they don’t want themselves to be.

Only be who you naturally know how to be.

Knowing who to be is not a question to be answered by you, me or anybody.

To be yourself truly, fearlessly and completely is to be one with the G-d head.

Ascension happens when the collective understands who are, realizing this in unity.

[cannibals-insomnia]

When I die. The doctor’s will steal my organs.

When they take whatever isn’t rotted to the core. They will burn me to ash.

When they mail the ash home. Put some of me in the jar that holds skye.

I only ask because I’m sick of the separation anxiety.

(This is just a request, not plans for anything)