cannibalcitty

[cannibalcitty]

12.12.23 12:18

i decided to skip my gym class. i hate being in there. i hate having to spend 30 minutes in a musty smelling room, just walking in circles. i get made fun of in there, anyways. there’s a group of girls who, despite being horrible looking as well, decide that i’m their victim. they’re always laughing at me.

one of them looks like my sister, too. it makes it even worse. they do the same things that my sister did to me, except it’s not her.

12/12/23 18:22

i tried cooking earlier. it wasn’t that good. i tried making mozzarella sticks. i didnt have the right ingredients and i couldnt cook them all the way. i got burned by the oil.

my brother and i are talking again. he’s acting like nothing’s wrong, but i’m still mad at him.

we decorated our christmas tree. its not sitting bare anymore.

i’ve been going through my books to find the ones i want to get rid of. my aunt’s bringing them to half price books tomorrow to try and sell them.

[cannibalcitty]

12.11.23 16:34

im still really pissed with my brother. we can’t talk to each other without it turning into a screaming match. i don’t even remember what started this, to be honest. i know something happened yesterday, and then i started getting hostile with him, and now we’re both hostile.

i do know, though, a few things. like, i’ve made dinner the past few nights. plenty for the both of us. i’ve set out a bowl for him, and i’ve reminded him of said bowl. but he didn’t eat it. it wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that it was my food that i used. and it was my favorite. i had to throw out my favorite food, all because he couldn’t get up off of his fatass to eat.

he hit my cat, too. badly. i was on the phone with a friend, and all of a sudden, i hear this loud, painful sounding smack from the hallway. and then i heard my cat yowl, and hiss, and i heard her get thrown to the ground. i’m pissed with him. the reason why? she was in our grandparents room. not something like, she broke something, or she shit everywhere. no. it was because she was curious, and followed her curiosity into a room which door was open. and who left it open? he did.

now, hes pissed because i made myself some tea before feeding the dog and unloading the dishwasher. the dog had food, and the dishwasher was still going. i’ve been focusing on my schoolwork, so i haven’t been able to do the laundry thats been piling up. so i did a load, just now, and now we’re out of detergent. i can’t make him happy.

he acts like his life is so bad, that it’s this horrible, traumatic experience, but heres the thing. he gets every single thing he wants. he’s had everything handed to him on a silver fucking platter.

does he live in a house where nobody cares about him? no. does he struggle every day trying to keep his friends from leaving? no. does he have to spend every day mourning the loss of a child who would’ve had a happy fucking life, all because her own stepfather couldn’t keep his hands to himself and his dick in his pants? no. he has a good fucking life. he doesn’t know what it’s like to have to actually work for the things you want. and hes the older one!

[cannibalcitty]

12.10.23 21:25

sometimes i feel like i'm not really suicidal. i mean, i don't have self harm scars, i've attempted maybe twice, and i wouldn't even consider them attempts. i can't bring myself to cut, i can't attempt, i don't even have that bad of a life.

i mean, sure, i live with my grandparents who can't decide whether or not they should divorce. i'm about to move multiple hours away to move in with my dad and step-mom, my dad who- despite 'trying', and being the one to suggest i move out there- doesn't fully care like he says he does. i don't consider my mother my mom; i barely refer to her as my mother. my siblings hate me.

the only bad things that have happened to me happened years ago, i guess.

when i was six or seven, i was molested by my stepfather. i tried to tell people, but they didn't listen. it got out around school, and i was bullied for it, among other things.

since first grade, i've been bullied. like, really badly. i've had people follow me home. i've had pictures of me posted places that someone my age shouldn't be posted. i've almost called the cops on these people. i've been assaulted, but nothing happened. physically and sexually.

my mother is a druggie, a narcissist and a manipulative asshole. she used me for pity, multiple times. she's stolen from me, but god forbid i ask her for something. everything when i was younger was about her.

i've never been fully cared for. i was a weird kid. i had undiagnosed issues, so i was hard to care for. but nobody ever cared for me. even now, i'm not the favorite. my brother and sister are. nobody cares about how i feel, or what i want. nobody listens to me. they only care about my grades and my room.

my dad's never really been there. he's present, but hes not here. when i was younger, he stayed with us at my grandparents. he would move out whenever he found a girlfriend, but within two months, he'd be back. when he was home, though, he never paid me any mind. he was either asleep, at work, or playing with my brother. even now, years later, when he's married and my brother and i have been out at their house, he doesn't. and i mean, i stay in my room a lot. it's hard to care about someone who doesn't show their face, isn't it? but he doesn't try. i stay in my room because i have trauma, and i have issues. i come out sometimes, though, when i'm up to it. and they act like i'm a ghost.

i don't blame them, though. i wouldn't care for myself either.

but thats not. thats not enough to warrant it. i have a decent life, by all standards. i have a roof over my head, i have the bare necessities to live, i have an education. i shouldn't feel this way.

it's hard, though. waking up every morning just to live the same day over and over again. a day where nobody talks to you, nobody cares about you. you leave from a place that makes you want to kill yourself only to go to a place where you want to even more, where you get tormented and bullied and you have horrible, horrible thoughts of doing horrible, horrible things.

[cannibalcitty]

my name's fiona and this is my blog! i just needed my own space to talk about things. i know there will be judgmental people, but it's better than nothing. i'm a minor, but i know a lot, so don't worry about asking for advice. i should be able to help.

this blog will serve as a sort of journal for myself, so there won't be much censoring of things. if graphic talks of triggering things affect you, this isn't the best place for you to be. there will be filtering tags on each post, but that might not help. be cautious.

asks are ok! they are encouraged!! you can tell me about anything, even if you don't want it answered and just want it to sit there between us.

DNI!!

porn/fetish/kink blogs

endo 'sys's

basic dni

anti-trauma

OTI!

pretty much anyone else!!!