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February 29, 2024

Life isn’t what I thought it would be. My trajectory has completely changed from what I thought it would be even just a year ago. Sometimes I wonder why I do things. Where am I going next? What am I working towards?

over this year with reflection, I guess I feel lost. Not in a depressed way, just lost. Like I don’t know what path is for me, where the hell am I going?

Things that mattered to me a year ago, two years ago, three, don’t matter to me anymore. I wonder what motivates me.

I think I’ll listen to the universe more. I’ll ask the universe to tell me what I should be doing. What do I need to accomplish in this lifetime? What’s the most important things I need to place emphasis on? Is it a career; like my family and every single fucking person tells me to prioritize. Why? I don’t need money, my parents have money, I can make money with a side hustle, with my part-time job. Is a career going to bring me fulfillment? Is that seriously all there is? I want to create.

I was groomed as a child, socially engineered to think I was destined for bigger things. I was a “gifted kid”, I was “smarter” than most kids and my future had to reflect that. With all the advanced placement classes, enrichment, placed on a college reading level at 11 years old. I fed into it, I felt superior to everyone around me. They were dumb and stupid and I was smart and superior to everyone. In my head.

now, as an adult, secure in myself and my ego, I no longer care about being superior. Especially not to waste my life with a career that won’t make me happy. I know deep down in my heart I want an alternative career. The universe keeps pointing me in directions and guiding me and I feel too stir crazy to listen and follow.

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12/27/22

🎵Song of the Day: Kool Thing---- Sonic Youth

I had a good Christmas. I watched Polar Express after opening presents and ate eggs for breakfast. The power went out again Saturday morning like three times, once while I was taking a shower, and it started sending out cold water. it’s been consistently 0-30 degrees. COLD. It snowed just yesterday evening, and it stuck, it’s actually still out there, and Veronica is covered in snow. It’s really pretty and I have my blinds pulled up so I can see it better. 

When I bought a Starbucks gift card for Sophia I asked mom to buy me one if she went out to the store. But I was under the impression she forgot so I bought one online. But she did buy one and so I snagged it to give to Izzy, who is coming over this afternoon. I also got her a Capricorn necklace a very long time ago. ALSO I almost forgot that I got her that customized print and I have to give her that too. I still have to wrap them. 

My room is a mess, I need to vacuum and clean my bathroom, don’t want Izzy knowing I’m a slob. I mean she probably already figured it out but I’d like to continue the illusion. I need to take a shower too. And wrap her gifts. I’m going to take a short nap first then do all of that.

I had a good Christmas. Dad never came out of this room. He got sick apparently and now it seems like the whole house is sick except me. If I get sick, (I don’t really feel sick so it’s unlikely) I’ll cancel on Izzy. I’m not telling her my family’s sick cause i don’t want her to freak out. Also we haven’t seen each other since July so there’s no way I’m going to cancel if there’s not a good reason. And its too expensive and COLD to go out.

I didn’t get my family stuff for Christmas. They understand. They’ve been going easy on me (at least my dad is) because they know I’m going through it. And my mom doesn’t really like receiving gifts as much as she likes giving them. And she got me a whole lot of gifts. She asked me for a wishlist a long time ago and I didn’t even remember what I asked for so it was nice to be reminded.

I got a bunch of candy in my stocking (that I immediately ate), over the ankle doc martens, thigh high black heel suede boots, a $50 ulta gift card (which with all honesty probably won’t buy much but I still like it), blue silk pillowcases for my bed, silver and gold cartilage hoop earrings, viwik reusable chopsticks, kate spade wallets (one with a polar bear and the other a bunch of ladies sunbathing in a pool or an ocean), then I got two big ass bath bombs that are Christmas themed, one is vanilla (nice) and the other is coal(??) (naughty).

Okay I’m gonna take my nap now and then prep for Izzy to come over.

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12/24/22

It’s officially Christmas Eve.

🎵Song of the Day: Angels We Have Heard on High (Metal version) ---Dan Vasc

Nothing has been going on. The power went off for an hour yesterday morning and i was terrified it would be off forever. Especially since it’s so cold outside. I mentally prepared for it and everything. That happened January last year and we had to go to a hotel. It was the first day back from school I think? My memory is bad. 

It is too cold to do anything. I’m just staying in the house putting on tons of layers and eating a bunch of food. And playing video games. There’s not really much else to do. Since my brother is completely off from school my parents want me to keep an eye on him occasionally. 

I feel like I put on some weight :/ I’m too afraid to look honestly. It’s probably worse than I think it is. I can’t go outside to go jogging so that probably isn’t helping. I was doing so good, too. Please, please warm up after Christmas. I doubt it will but I can hope. Also my hair looks so bad. My bangs are too long and look dumb. My mom is taking my brother to get a haircut the 1st week of January and I’m gonna see if I can tag along.

I’m tired. I’m gonna take a shower, try to go back to sleep and then eat a hearty meal for the day, try to ween off all the birthday cake and ice cream from dad’s birthday. Jogging isn’t an option so indoor cardio will have to do. 

Izzy’s coming here on the 27th which is this Tuesday. We haven’t seen each other in person in almost half a year. It’ll be good to see her again. She and I will most likely just talk shit the whole time. I’m kind of hoping she’ll stay the night but I never know with her. She’s always busy. That’s why I could never be a med student. Jesus.

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12/20/22

🎵Song of the Day: Miss Murder----AFI

I haven’t been doing much recently. I need to get back on a better sleep schedule, and be more on top of my workouts. Since Christmas is close and I’m with my family I’ve been eating fancy food and Christmas cookies every night. We had steak and those scalloped potatoes with garlic bread. And my mom made gingerbread cookies. 

It’s currently 40 degrees but it’s been 20-30 recently. It’s nice and warm in my room and I like to light candles to kind of match the Christmas atmosphere. When I’m done writing this I’m just going to take a shower and jog outside. 

I’ve been focusing on my writing and progress is slow. I’ve also been playing video games and watching Christmas movies. This is embarrassing but I still have not put that fucking Christmas tree up. I WILL put it up today. 

Other than that I’m just gonna take this week to relax. It’s Christmas and it’s fucking cold outside so might as well. Izzy got back yesterday and I told her to get in touch with me whenever she wants to hang out. 

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Idr Labs

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12/16/22

🎵Song of the Day: When You Were Young----The Killers

Its 8 o’ clock and I’ve been taking it easy all day. I still have not washed my bedsheets. But I did go driving yesterday. I went and picked up my transcripts and handed it to my college. The next step is to register for next semester’s classes. At my old high school a teacher who I fucking hated (story for another day) tried to have a whole ass conversation with me in the parking lot and I just smiled and nodded. I plucked my eyebrows. I get compliments on my eyebrows’ shape all the time, but that’s because I’m so diligent with them. My right eyebrow is pissing me off. It’s all wonky and shit. I’m sure I’m the only one who cares but it still bothers me. 

I had fun with Sophia. We went to Fire house subs and then to the amc. Before that we went to Target. I never go to Target anymore. I got some lighters for my candles, some more charcoal toothbrushes, and encouraged Sophia to get some (she comments on my teeth being really white), some cartilage rings and the actual summers eve brand, whenever I ask my mom for some she gets the offbrand kind because its ‘cheaper’. There wasn’t much good playing at the amc because there never is. I told Sophia we wouldn’t have to buy tickets in advance because it won’t be crowded. Nobody goes and sees movies anymore, for many reasons. We went to see Violent Night. I knew it wouldn’t be that good. We were kind of debating seeing ‘A Strange World’ or whatever that movie is called because apparently its really woke and we wanted to just make fun of it. (shes the only friend I’d be able to do that with). I reallyy wanted to see Black Adam. I’m a huge dc fan and I saw a clip of that one scene playing ‘Paint it Black’ (love that song)

Violent Night was good to see as a Christmas movie, but it was not a good movie. At least we didn’t give any money to disney. Sophia only bought one ticket so we could just find which theatre was playing it and I snuck in with the small popcorn she wanted. It was funny because when we went in there was a couple our age sitting in the back, clearly pissed that we were there. Sophia hated the movie and I said “I told youuu”. She insisted we see it. We kept looking backwards to see if the couple was doing anything lmao

I didn’t go jogging this morning like I did yesterday morning. Let me jog tomorrow morning. 

Its been like 40-50 degrees consistently the last three days, accompanied by rain. If you don’t think thats bad youre fucking delusional. Its been cold as shit. 

So a little update on the bus biting situation at my old high school. Apparently the vp didn’t get into any trouble (i know shocking). He didn’t do anything wrong. Ofc everyone is still trying to make it a race issue. My old high school has always been like this. Filled with mindless fucking animals. I’ve witnessed everything there. I personally filmed a video of a girl getting her shit rocked by a guy twice her size. I still have it deep in my camera roll along with a bunch of other fight videos. I got into two fights myself. Ofc with other girls. My freshman year this nasty weird girl in my fake friend group gave a dude head behind the staircase. Someone recorded it and started spreading it. It took a while to actually get out. Because I remember her confiding in us about it. I wasn’t really close with her (she would occasionally try to talk to me before it happened and I was always nice because thats who I am). I remember after it got out and around lunch time everyone was staring at her and at us by extension. I got to tell all the classes all the juicy details because I knew all about it. 

Anyway let me stop talking about my nasty old high school. I’m going to get ready for bed. Tomorrow I want to go jogging, FINALLY put up my Christmas tree, and register for spring classes. Let’s manifest it.

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My TraitLabs result 

Note: Why is ‘haphazard’ the biggest word? Oh lordy

https://www.traitlab.com/wordclouds/new

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12/7

I have not posted on this thing in a whole year. Oh my lord. Its 2022 now. Reminder to post more. 

A lot has happened. I graduated, started college, went to Europe. I’m not friends w Isaiah anymore, its a long story. Im 19 now which means absolutely nothing in America.

I am starting to find myself a little more. In college I met a girl named Sophia. She’s moving to Italy next semester and I’m gonna miss the shit out of her. It feels like we go shopping every week with each other. SHE LIKES SMASHING PUMPKINS. AND THE KILLERS. I really found gold here. Here’s to hoping we stay friends. 

I want to transfer to Emory for next year, which is in Atlanta. I get a lot of negative feedback about moving to Atlanta but I could not care less. Isabella is in Atlanta and so I will be there too! When I told her there would be a chance I would apply she said “PLEASE APPLY HERE”. She needs a real friend there and honestly I just want to go to a school I actually care about. 

Got my SPOTIFYTM wrapped last week and turns out I listen to a lot of soundtracks for my writing. I want to stop listening to my writing inspo music on spotify so I can get the actual music I listen to to pop up. Rock music was my 2nd biggest genre. Qotsa, Muse and Smashing pumpkins being the biggest artists. 

I don’t know what it is about December that forces me to write on my blog and be all introspective. Maybe its the cold weather forcing me inside more? CAN I PLEASE MORE CONSISTENT WITH POSTING LETS MANIFEST THIS