calonise

[calonise]

Aight, back at this, because I wanna just put it out there and have some "closure".

So few months had passed by ever since we stopped talking, until the festival date was nearing, we started to chat again, mostly regarding logistics of the festival, plane tickets (we were flying together) and the overall trip thing.

Day 1 consisted on traveling, my dad made us the favor of driving us (me, my roomie and the girl) to the airport (thanks dad), on the way there we picked this girl, we hadn't talked for months and she immediately sprinted towards me and almost tackled me with a hug... It was weird and satisfying? You see, in my whole life I've been devoid of physical affection and... Affection overall, so when I'm shown the slightest affection I gravitate towards that person the way a moth does to light.

We got to the airport, we said goodbye to my dad and we got onto the plane, once aboard, we were seated all in the same row, and she was next to me... The whole flight I was hugging her and she fell asleep in my arms (I love when girls do this) and this was... Dangerous, because there were MANY red flags already that I should have not ignored, but I still ignored them and "enjoyed" the moment.

We arrived to the destination airport, we had dinner with my roomies BF @ the airport as we waited for another friend's flight to arrive, once the gang was all together we headed towards our Airbnb where we would stay a whole week.

I don't wanna drag this much, but the first few days we hung out and went out to some restaurants and other places, I wanna mention that during these first 3 says, the girl in question was hitting on me hard, so hard that even my friends told me so too, and we were acting like a couple, and this included some physical stuff too, BUT, here's where the shit takes a turn, on the evening of the third day, this girl started to act cold towards me, after we started to act like a couple, whenever I asked if there was anything wrong, she said nothing was wrong.

Well... At the night of the third day, when we were riding back home on an uber, she was messaging someone and that person sent her audios, she played one with the audio high enough to hear 4 words: "I love you too." It was a male voice, I... Took a glance at her screen and the name had a heart on it (I know this is invasive, and I couldn't help myself). At that exact moment, it all made sense and... I literally could hear how my heart shattered like glass.

Needless to say... I just kept quiet the rest of the ride, looking at the window, trying to fight back tears and just crying... I felt betrayed, played with and many many more ugly things about myself that even right now as I write this and remember it, makes me so fucking sad... Imagine finding out that the girl you were crushing on, that you had "something" with, the girl you confessed to after YEARS of not trying something with someone because of trauma, that that girl, already had a boyfriend for God knows how long, and she never had the guts to tell me, like "hey so, I have a boyfriend now, we shouldn't try anything beyond friendship" and instead was hitting on me and getting my affection and attention. That Uber ride back to the Airbnb was one of the most miserable moments of my life...

As soon as we got to the Airbnb, everyone hung out at the living room to watch some TV, but I headed straight to my room, to my bed, with lights off and door closed, I just cried my heart out, in silence, as to not disrupt everyone else... I have not told anyone this, but that night I really just had the ugliest of thoughts about myself, and what was worse is that I felt that I couldn't tell anyone about it, not even my roomie and best friend, as I didn't want her to outcast this girl or something since we still had 6 fucking days, 6 of the longest days of my life.

There's still way more to this but, as I'm finishing writing this off I'm emotionally exhausted and on the verge of tears... I'll continue posting this story once I recharge my emotional battery.

[calonise]

Aight continuing a bit more...

So after that night, I drove her back home, we said good byes and then I went home...

It was a few days until we talked again as it felt awkward (I should have noticed this sooner)

We started talking again, watching memes, hanging out a bit more just the two of us... Although now that I look back, most of the times were we hung out... I was always the one initiating the plans, or showing romantic interest to some degree... Until she suggested an idea for a Halloween party for a friend of ours who always throws thematic parties, and we though let's do something together, she wanted to dress as Legolas and me as Gimli, we immediately started looking for disguises.

We kept going out as normal, talking more and hanging out... But nothing romantic happened, she had her walls from past traumas and relationships from what she told me, so I also didn't want to push too much... But... I can confidently say now, that it was draining.

And not because I didn't want to comply to avoid triggering her, but because she would rarely tell me some things, and I would randomly trigger her... At times it felt like walking on a mine field cause I didn't know what would my next action trigger, it could be the most normal of things such as loudly laughing at something random, tapping her shoulder, suggesting I do something for her like cooking... And I'm not gonna say that she's wrong for reacting that way, everyone has traumas, and their defense mechanisms for them, I have them too, after going to therapy for over a year, I've come to realize that I have mine too, including shutting off completely when I'm extremely overwhelmed by something, like the situation we were in...

At one point, some drama happened, which included her talking or flirting to other people with me being unaware, and yes while we were nothing formal, she was full aware of my feelings, and to make it worse, she was flirting with some minors apparently... HUGE red flag...

That along with some other lies she was spreading around, I decided to take some time off from her, but only after she decided to completely shut off herself from everyone because of this and her dirty laundry coming out (this is when I should've cut it off completely)

BUT ALAS, we had a music festival coming up in a few months and we had tickets for it, which included several bands we loved and sharing an Airbnb that was paid for... But that's a story for another time...

[calonise]

Using this mostly to write my thoughts out somewhere, not necessarily looking for validation or anything in particular, just need to get this out of my chest and to try and give closure to something that happened to me.

A year and a half, during a friend's birthday I was introduced to a girl, who i thought was one of the prettiest girls I had yet met.

During this party we talked a bit, we got along and we became acquainted.

Few more friend gatherings passed, including a new years eve party and I just kept talking with this girl more and more, I vividly at one point during this party at a friend's house where we just got hungry and we went together to the kitchen to heat up some leftovers, we were alone and talking about music and stuff, and at one point during our talk, something clicked in my mind, and I kid you not, for some reason I could not stop staring at her face, she just looked extremely gorgeous to me and I felt an intense attraction to her at that moment, she was talking about a Jrock band (yabai t-shirt Japan I think?) and at that moment I just zoned out looking at her and could not make a word she was saying, this had not happened to me in AGES and it made me excited to finally feel something like that towards someone.

A few more weeks passed, we kept talking, but I knew now that I had a crush on this girl, I remember one day there was a screening of the LoTR trilogy at one or the local theaters, I sent her a message 30 mins before the screening and asked her out, she excitedly said yes.

I promptly made myself ready, went to pick her up, we made our way there, got popcorn and we went inside, once in there I noticed the AC was on and she was wearing light clothes, to which I offered to lay in my arms (couch seats ftw) to keep her warm and she was happy, needless to say we stayed like that for the whole movie and I could not be happier.

Few more weeks passed and we kept going out on dates to movies, restaurants and even us cooking together at my place and watching something together. Every second I spent with her was fun and joyous, I began to realize that I wanted to pursue something more formal with her, so I made up my mind.

I invited her to a date to a concert that was gonna happen downtown, go to our favorite restaurant first and hit the mall before the concert, dress myself up and have a wonderful day.

It was rainy, so I brought an umbrella, went to pick her up and as she got out I made sure to use the umbrella so she wouldn't get herself wet from the rain, momma raised me well on that regard, and that even impressed her mother that saw me doing that for her, and this girl, who i will now call bunny, blushed out at it too.

Bunny and I went to the restaurant, we had some wonderful tempura, udon, oyakodon and then we went for ice cream before hitting the mall. We had a great time and we chowed down all that like gremlins 😂

When we were at the mall I started to feel sick, dizzy and out of it, we sat at a bench for a while as she rubbed my back, bunny loved to rub my back to comfort me, I wish I had told her more how much I loved and appreciated those gestures she did to comfort me whenever I felt sick or down, one of the things I loved about her. Don't worry she didn't pass away or anything like that, but I do grieve what happened to us (spoiler)

After I gained some strength, I told her that we could go to the concert and she suggested we should just go to my place and rest, I was still not feeling great, when we got to the car I had to rest a bit more again since I felt weak, we played some music on my cars radio and we were singing together, yet another thing I loved about her, her singing, I was bummed out a bit that we didn't go to the concert, but we just went home, I mustered the strength to drive 20 mins back home on the rain, but thankfully we made it.

We got some snacks at a convenience store by my house, we got home, we sat on the couch and I laid my head on her lap, as she kept comforting me, god how I miss being comforted like that, she really knew how to make me feel better.

We were both sleepy, and I must mention, at this point we had not defined what we were, and I had not made any physical advances on her until I knew exactly how I felt, but at that moment, I had made up my mind, I gathered courage and suggested we had a nap on my bed, and she was hesitant at first, but I convinced her that I was way comfier than my couch, and so she accepted and... Unexpectedly, I got into bed first and bunny quickly made herself comfy in my arms as we started to spoon, this made my heart skip a beat, and I embraced this surprise, we talked a bit until she fell asleep, and boy, let me tell you, the feeling of spooning your crush, and hugging while taking a nap, made me so excited that I could not sleep at all, the smell of her shampoo, her warm back against my chest and just us spooning got the sleep right out of me, but she slept in my arms for 4 hours, I felt like a teen again 😂

During that time I had decided that when she woke up, I would talk to her and declare my feelings, without asking for anything in particular as I could no longer go without making my intentions clear

When she woke up, still in my arms, she turned around as I was still hugging her, she said good morning as she buried her head on my chest while still waking up... After she finally woke up, I started talking to her, told her how much fun I had that day, how fun it is to be with her and that I, now, had romantic feelings for her.

Now... Here's where things take a turn, she said that she was... Afraid of being in a relationship, and that she was scared of losing me as a friend, I also told her the same, but reaffirmed that I could not just bury these feelings, bunny said that she felt something too and suspected the same from me, we kept talking and I told her that we could keep things going slowly, but without any misunderstandings between how we felt. We kept talking for a while more and I eventually drove her home.

I'll continue this some other time, but this is essentially the beginning of how I got my heart broken for the last time in my 20s, and a good one at that.

Many things were learned, both good and bad, and I'm still processing the grieve of what it could have been, and how I lost someone dear to me, because let's face it, heartbreaks are hard, it's losing someone that you once loved, is still alive out there, but you two are no longer in each other's lives at all.

See you later when I continue this soap opera of mine