callmeprats

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I guess I made a wrong choice again

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Embroidered words from the film Chungking Express

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kung sino man nakaimbento ng Tumblr at patuloy na nagru-run nito, mabuhay ka hanggang sa gusto mo

from my teenager years upto now na pa trenta na ako, this is still my safe place here on the internet

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Buti na lang matandain ako

Yes, alam ko pa din password ko dito. Hello, tumblr. Namiss kita

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It's been awhile, Tumblr

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Maaalala ko lang talaga si Tumblr kapag ganitong naaalala ko mga exes ko. Hahaha. Sorry.

But seriously, social media is so frickin' toxic right now, especially Facebook and Twitter. With all what's happening, people have always something to say, always proving a point trying to win an argument. Nakakasawa.

Nakakasawa makita yung paulit-ulit na pagkokontradiktahan. Laging may sagot, laging ayaw magpatalo. Lahat gusto magsalita, pero wala naman gustong makinig. Kaya hindi na din ako masyado naglalabas ng thoughts ko regarding politics. I'd rather look apolitical to them but I know where I stand.

Anyways, it was James' birthday yesterday and yes, I messaged him. But before I messaged him, I saw his present girlfriend's greeting for him. Honestly, I felt happy for them, for him. Kasi alam kong masaya na siya. And alam kong naging tama yung desisyon ko not to push through with whatever we had last year.

I know for a fact that last year wasn't the best year for the both of us. I was just starting to build my career and he was struggling with his studies. Aminin ko, natakot ako. Natakot ako na baka maghilahan lang kami pababa. Lalo't we are far away again from each other. LDR didn't work for us and I'm quite sure it will never be. Kaya nga 2 weeks after having that mutual understanding between us, I decided to end it for good.

My friends were right, we are not in love. We are just in love with the idea of being in love again. I was single for about 3 years and him, he was still moving on from a 6-year relationship, which by the way he had after ours.

Hindi ganun kadali ibalik sa dati kung anomang meron kami. And mahirap naman din magsimula kami ulit with all the changes that happened to each one of us. Pero hindi naman na ako galit sa kanya and hindi naman din siya gago para mag-act as if he didn't do anything wrong. Kumbaga, okay na kami. We had moved on from our shortcomings before. Kaso, I was the one who has the issue.

My breakup with Jessie was the worst. I lost myself. And currently, I can feel that I still am. I don't want us to get back together again, but I feel like there is still the pain and anger. Yun ang hindi ko pa din nalelet-go. Kaya siguro parang hindi ko pa ulit nakikita ang sarili ko to be in a new relationship. And I don't want to be unfair with James. He deserves to be happy, and so do I.

Right now, I feel amazed kasi nga I'm happy for him. I juat wish, ganito na din yung maramdaman ko towards kay Jessie. I hope one day, he'll mature and own up his mistakes.

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I break my own heart by expecting people to be as attached to me as i am to them

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I wish we could go back in time and I swear I would love you even more ☹️

you can see if someone really changed on how they treated you before. you can see the difference on how they were not giving you the same attention as before. you can feel it, but you have to deny it just to believe that they have never changed. 

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I'm not okay

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why we adjust for people

Even if we complain so much about people not adjusting for us even though we’ve done it for them so many times in the past, admit it, we actually enjoy adjusting for other people. It’s a disease; we’re freaks. We abuse ourselves so much about it not with the thought that people will do the same for us but with the hope of people appreciating us for it.

Or at least that’s how I am.

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I don't know how to deal with my anxiety again.

Akala ko kaya ko na ulit labanan. Kaso wala, bigla na naman ako malulungkot. Di makapag isip nang matino. Di alam kung ano susundin ko.

I feel lonely for the past months. Siguro dahil everyone I know is happy with their current relationships. Yes, naiinggit ako kung minsan. Sabi ko sana ako din, sana dumating na yung para sa akin.

For the past years, I try to heal my heart first before getting into a romantic relationship. Ayoko kasi yung hahanapin ko sa iba yung kaligayahan na dapat sa sarili ko muna nagmumula. Ever since, I always practice self-love. But I always lose. Ang rupok ko masyado once may magtatangka ulit na lambingin ako, especially kung isa sa mga ex ko.

Recently, my first boyfriend took courage to talk to me again. I appreciated and accepted his apology since I felt his sincerity. Hanggang sa naging sweet na naman siya and saying that he misses me a lot.

I tried to push him away kasi alam ko na it's not gonna work anymore. But he remained consistent. Lumambot na ang puso ko. Lalo nung nagsimula na siya magshare about his life nung wala na kami. All the struggles he went through and the situation he is dealing with now. Naawa ako. I want to help him. I comforted him. Hanggang sa naging sweet na nga kami sa isa't isa.

Aminin ko, ako ang talo. Ako unang nagsabi na mahal ko pa din siya. Parang nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob na sumugal ulit. But days have passed when things aren't going as I want them to be. I want to feel his presence, I want to feel how sincere he is when he said he's ready to be committed again. I long for unconditional efforts that will make me believe in true love again.

But there is none. At ayokong magmukhang demanding kaya di ko sinasabi sa kanya. Pero deep inside, I'm hurting again. Not because I don't feel loved, but because I let myself lose again with all the frustrations I got. Baka nadadala lang ako ng kagustuhan ko na magkaroon ng significant other that's why nagsesettle na naman ako sa kung ano lang kaya niyang ibigay.

Pagod na ako. Ayoko na nang paulit ulit kong tatanungin sarili ko kung mahal ba talaga ako ng taong to? Gusto ko maramdaman na lang yun ng natural at masasabi ko na I am so lucky that God made it possible.

But I guess, God is not yet convinced thay I am ready and I deserve such now... ☹️

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Lies

Ang hirap magsinungaling sa sarili. Alam ng puso kung ano ang totoo..

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Positivity

Happy new year!!! I can't contain the happiness I'm feeling right now. Ramdam ko yung pagpasok ng taon na tila ba bagong simula ulit. Hindi pilit. Punung puno ng excitement yung puso ko.

I spent the whole day with my family, kain sa labas and kwentuhan. Ang sad lang kasi may pasok ang kapatid ko and di namin siya nakasama simula kagabi. I really wish makahanap na siya ng malilipatan na work para din sa kalusugan niya kasi ang toxic talaga ng working schedule niya 😢

Anyway, di pa din ako makapaniwala na na-achieve ko na yung last year's goal ko, ang paghilom ng aking puso. YES MUMSH, TOTOO NA TALAGA 'TO. Sabi ko naman sa inyo eh, I just need 2 years to finally move on. Jk.

Nahh, nagkataon lang din siguro na 2years ulit bago ko naramdaman na wala na talaga akong paki at balak na makipagbalikan pa sa ex ko. Yung acceptance na hinahanap ko sa sarili ko, nakita at nadama ko na. Yey me!

At kung last year, sarado pa yung puso ko para magmahal ulit, this time, I think I'm ready to go out on a date again and to meet someone. Not sure if I'm ready to commit, pero keri ko na magpaligaw ulit. Hahaha. Last year kasi talaga todo iwas ako sa mga nagpaparamdam. Ewan, feel ko kasi niloloko ko lang sarili ko. Ayoko kasi na kaya lang ako magpapaligaw is to finally forget someone. No. Gusto ko maghilom muna talaga yung puso ko bago ako mag entertain ulit para fair.

This year, I pray na sana may makilala na ako. Makilala pa lang, hindi agad agad eh maging jowa na. Hahaha. Di naman ako nagmamadali at nagtitiwala ako sa Diyos na ibibigay at ibibigay Niya sa akin bilang isang biyaya ang makakasama ko habang buhay. Maghintay lamang ako. 😊

Basta excited ako sa taon na 'to. And what a way to start my year full of positivity in my heart. ❤️

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2019 goals

2018 is almost over! And like what I did before, I made my 2017 goals just before 2016 ends. Unfortunately, I haven't made a list last year but all of the things I wished for this year, happened. And I'm just so happy to be able to fulfill it. Yey, me! 💕

Anyways, I want to share my goals for the next year! I am thinking to shift my lifestyle to something healthier. Not just a healthier physique but a healthier mind, heart and soul.

1. Make exercise a habit.

2. Eat clean and healthy.

3. Have atleast once in a month date with myself.

4. Keep in touch with friends and colleagues.

5. More locale hopping. Out of town would be fun!

6. Participate actively in all church activities.

7. Perform church duties the way God wants me to.

8. Spend more time with my family and have a weekly bonding with them.

9. No more late's! Practice good work ethics.

10. More adventures for this year. Go on a hike either with a friend or alone.

11. Save and invest properly. Make wise decisions on finances.

12. Go on dates and meet someone.

13. Travel abroad, alone.

14. Learn how to cook.

15. Explore Philippines' most travelled destinations and experience local.

16. Read and learn new things.

17. Invest on personal well-being. Self-care.

18. Cut off toxic people in my life.

19. Do not be afraid of changes.

Hopefully I can achieve all of these again. Happy New Year! 😘

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New chapter

Update: May bago na si ex. Officially.

To be honest, medyo nahurt ako nang nalaman ko na he's in a new relationship na. I think this is the latest after we ended up ours. Syempre di counted yung mga niligawan niya during and after our relationship. 😅

Anyway, ayun na nga. Nalungkot ako. Aminado ako dun. Nambulabog pa ako ng mga kaibigan ko na Alam ko naman na sawa na sa kadramahan ko sa ex ko, pero inalalayan pa rin nila ako. I couldn't thank you enough, guys. 😘

Right now, ina-assess ko sarili ko. I think, I'm getting better na. Siguro yun talaga yung closure na hinihintay ko. Bakit kasi ang landi ng ex ko eh. Hahaha. De, bakit kasi ako nagpapadala pa sa kanya knowing na malandi nga kasi siya.

Hindi ko masabi na masaya na ako. Well, okay na sa'kin kung may bago na siya. I have learned to accept it as days go by. Pero I still feel empty. Honestly, di ko din kasi talaga alam.

Gusto ko na ulit makabalik sa dating ako.. masaya, matatag. Ngunit Alam ko na madami pa akong pagdadaanan ulit bago ko marating yun. I just want genuine happiness. Yun lang talaga. 🙂

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“the hows of us”

Some say they want to be like George and Primo, cos they wanna have a second chance, they want to experience the “love is sweeter the second time around” kind of relationship. But for me, I don’t want to be like George and Primo, ayoko ng second chance, ayoko ng may maiwan at mang-iiwan, ayokong dumating sa point na may ulan scene na din ako at matatanong ko na yung taong mahal ko ng “And what makes your sorry different from all your other sorrys before?”, ayokong dumating sa point na sukuan na namin yung mga pangarap at planong sabay dapat namin buuin. Sabi nga nung Lola sa huling part nung movie na “In order to win a war. You have to stay together.” Love is a war, bawat araw may dadating na pagsubok at paghihirap sainyong dalawa but that doesn’t mean na bibitaw kayo at papatibag sa problema, dapat dalawa kayong lalaban sa pagsubok, dapat magkahawak kamay niyong talunin ang buhos ng sakit at luha na pwede niyong pagdaanan. Dapat pareho kayong lumalaban. Hindi pwedeng yung isa lang.

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My friend knows me so well. Tama siya. Kaya siguro ang tagal bago ako mag let go sa last hope ko.. aminado din naman ako. I’m still hoping na kapag better person na kami ni ex, maybe, just maybe, we can work things out again.

Pero di kasi ganon. Ako lang ang may gusto non. At siya? May bago na siyang girlfriend. Kanina, while I was reading my friend’s message, I feel better na. I mean, parang natauhan na, oo nga, ako lang naman talaga gumagawa ng ikakasakit ng puso ko.

Hindi na makirot. Hindi gaya kagabi na para akong nababaliw kasi di ko alam paano pipigilan yung sarili ko para masaktan.

I failed. I failed in faking that I am strong.. Pang ilang beses ko na din naman sinabi sa sarili ko na tama na. Pero lagi din naman akong nagfafail.

Sa ngayon, sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, I should conquer my fear. Natatakot kasi talaga ako i-open ulit yung puso ko sa ibang tao kasi baka di naman ulit mag work. Pero siguro nga, I need to go with the flow. Darating at darating din yung time.

Kaya mo to, Camille. Manindigan ka lang