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Waiting for somebody to love you back…
Follow for more relatable love and life quotes!
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You can’t go back and change the past, so look to the future and don’t make the same mistake twice.
(via motivated-mindset)
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18718) I'm so tired of waking up, wondering how I'll make it through another day living like this.
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“Eventually, My anxiety will drain my nerves and the lies I tell myself will kill my brain. I’m tired of trying, I’m honestly living for dying. I should have never caught feelings, I should have never felt this way.”
(via brokenheartedpoems)
🖒🖒
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And yet she could not forgive herself. Even as an adult, she wished only that she could go back and change things: the ungainly things she’d worn, the insecurity she’d felt, all the innocent mistakes she made.
Jhumpa Lahiri, Unaccustomed Earth (via thegoodvybe)
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No, but if we speak less, there is less arguing because we don't matter
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People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.
Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted (via thegoodvybe)
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Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can’t rain forever.
(via motivated-mindset)
This use to be true but now it just spirals faster and further downhill
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The problem isn’t the river; the river flows, it changes, it does what rivers do. The problem is that we expect the river to be solid ground. We swim against the current and wonder why we’re exhausted. We demand that life be static and knowable. But that is not the nature of this life. In fact, nothing in nature is the same one day to the next. The only things that don’t grow, that don’t change, are already dead, and even they are busy becoming something new.
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#lifeofanaddict #7thday
The 7th day
Sometimes you just need someone to be there for you, to listen, not to solve anything, but simply just to care…
The book of Genesis we learn how God created the beautiful earth in 7 days. I must admit, this isn’t beauty, and it took a bit more than 7 days to create this ugly mess.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to just be part of the earth, simple, yet beautiful. There is nothing I love better than than the smell of a sweaty horse in the warm spring breeze and to feel those rippling muscles pounding the dirt, running freely beneath me.
I call myself a functional addict. Let me just say, I see this type of person all the time in my line of work. And eventually functioning ceases. Personally, I have kept up the act as long as I could. I have selfishly (and not-so-selfishly) lost the things that motivated me, that gave me the will to live.
It has been quite some time since I have had what use to be a loving husband in my life. Oh, he was here, it’s just very hard to function together in a loving marriage when you both are addicts. Even before the addiction, though, he had lost that fire I use to see that caused his eyes to glow enough to light up a dark room just by looking at me. I look back, and I am envious of the silly girl I use to be. That man was so crazy about everyone could tell. I remember once when we first started talking, we were in a room together with some coworkers, didn’t even speak to each other and one of the coworkers asked me afterwards was something going on between us. It was electric, it heated up any place we were at, just the raw chemistry between us. Even after getting married I would have people who were around us say, “Girl, he is head over heels for you.”
These days I would give a kidney just to see that look in his eyes when he looked at me, just the way he use to. We have always said we are soul mates. And I still stand by that. It is a terrible feeling to know that you have been ripped from your soul mate and must spend a life without that other part of you. It’s like having half a heart, or half a brain.
I definitely must have half a brain, and probably heart too. I wasn’t the strong Christian wife and mother I needed to be. The devil is tempting us all, but we cannot be weak.
I’m telling you all now, don’t ever let yourself get pushed so far down into darkness that it takes over and you wind up like me, losing the fight, the will to keep going, to live.
The husband was one thing, but the true turning point for me was when my baby girl ran out, away, and left me. I can’t blame her for taking care of herself and standing up for herself. She just didn’t know that almost every day after he left, SHE was the only reason I had to lift my head up and get out of bed. True, there were some days I didn’t, and that is my fault. But I have to take that stupidity on my own shoulders and take my fair share of the blame for things falling apart like they have.
My son, sweet, loving boy.. I knew he would be taken care of by his dad and dad’s family, especially with the joint physical custody. But my baby girl, she didn’t have anyone but me. And I could kick myself in the ass for not doing what I should have, not being there, not paying enough attention, for wallowing in my own self pity when at the time I really had no idea what loneliness was. Sure, there were times I cried alone, but there were also times that beautiful baby girl hugged me and dried my tears. And there was that one day, right after he left, I can recall lying there in tears without the energy or drive to get up. I distinctly remember her crying too and saying “Get up mama, you have to. I can’t do this without you. You have to get up for me.” At that time, I still thought getting clean was what would happen.
It didn’t take long for her to realize what was going on. And it was a cold, grey, rainy day when she left me. Left me to cry all alone, with the mess I made lying all around me.
Yes, I still have my son who is with me half the time. And he has stepped up and loved and worried about me more than I ever dreamt he could much less would. Of course, I love him. And I love him just as much as I do her, my first born. I just can’t seem to make anyone see that with 2/3’s of my heart being gone, 1/3 of it is not enough to make living possible.
It’s been almost 2 months since she left. And she hasn’t even spoke a word to me, even living just minutes away. Every day since has just circled me deeper and darker into the hole, a never-ending abyss. I am so sad now I can barely breath, rarely eat, and the will to keep going has just slipped past my fingertips with her love.
To my handsome and grown up little cowboy: I love you and I am sorry that mama wasn’t strong and didn’t stay to take care of you. Please understand that I am thankful for the strong little man you have been for me and know that I have smiled when I was with you because you have a heart of gold. Don’t ever forget that. Go to Texas, cover bulls, and win all the buckles and glory we talked about! I LOVE YOU!!
To my first true love, my beautiful mini me: I love you. I want you to continue to be strong. Don’t let anyone run over you. Keep being a warrior, but stay a princess. I pray that God will help you find the path that leads to the high road, I pray that you stay there and find all the love and happiness you deserve, and that it is better than we ever talked or dreamt it would be. What i wouldn’t give right now to hear those words, “I love you, beautiful,” that you always said. Go to Texas with bubby, live your dreams, and I will be there in Vegas for the crowning when you win Miss Rodeo America AND when you go back and win a world championship in barrel racing; I will just be in the distance watching, grinning from ear to ear. Don’t let ANYONE say you can’t and don’t let them get your fire ever again! I LOVE YOU, MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!
To my soul mate, still my husband: I tried to do better, I’m sorry for my failures. I can only apologize and ask for forgiveness, for I am merely human. I am not a perfect person, but I did find a reason to change. It was you! I know you don’t mean to be the way you often are, but I also know that a reason for being that way doesn’t solve the problem. I wish you had just taken a little less time for yourself and put a little more consideration into what had to be visibly happening to me before your eyes. I realize that you love me, in your own way. Unfortunately, comprise is everything when we are dealing with other people. It was too late for us for that, though. Please know that even with a shattered soul, I STILL LOVE YOU!
For all 3 of you, please don’t ever forget me. Don’t ever forget the good times, learn from the bad, and have a better life just knowing that we all learned lessons the hard way!
I love you all, ~mama/beautiful/sexy
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#thelifeofanaddict #7thday
The 7th day
Sometimes you just need someone to be there for you, to listen, not to solve anything, but simply just to care…
The book of Genesis we learn how God created the beautiful earth in 7 days. I must admit, this isn’t beauty, and it took a bit more than 7 days to create this ugly mess.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to just be part of the earth, simple, yet beautiful. There is nothing I love better than than the smell of a sweaty horse in the warm spring breeze and to feel those rippling muscles pounding the dirt, running freely beneath me.
I call myself a functional addict. Let me just say, I see this type of person all the time in my line of work. And eventually functioning ceases. Personally, I have kept up the act as long as I could. I have selfishly (and not-so-selfishly) lost the things that motivated me, that gave me the will to live.
It has been quite some time since I have had what use to be a loving husband in my life. Oh, he was here, it’s just very hard to function together in a loving marriage when you both are addicts. Even before the addiction, though, he had lost that fire I use to see that caused his eyes to glow enough to light up a dark room just by looking at me. I look back, and I am envious of the silly girl I use to be. That man was so crazy about everyone could tell. I remember once when we first started talking, we were in a room together with some coworkers, didn’t even speak to each other and one of the coworkers asked me afterwards was something going on between us. It was electric, it heated up any place we were at, just the raw chemistry between us. Even after getting married I would have people who were around us say, “Girl, he is head over heels for you.”
These days I would give a kidney just to see that look in his eyes when he looked at me, just the way he use to. We have always said we are soul mates. And I still stand by that. It is a terrible feeling to know that you have been ripped from your soul mate and must spend a life without that other part of you. It’s like having half a heart, or half a brain.
I definitely must have half a brain, and probably heart too. I wasn’t the strong Christian wife and mother I needed to be. The devil is tempting us all, but we cannot be weak.
I’m telling you all now, don’t ever let yourself get pushed so far down into darkness that it takes over and you wind up like me, losing the fight, the will to keep going, to live.
The husband was one thing, but the true turning point for me was when my baby girl ran out, away, and left me. I can’t blame her for taking care of herself and standing up for herself. She just didn’t know that almost every day after he left, SHE was the only reason I had to lift my head up and get out of bed. True, there were some days I didn’t, and that is my fault. But I have to take that stupidity on my own shoulders and take my fair share of the blame for things falling apart like they have.
My son, sweet, loving boy.. I knew he would be taken care of by his dad and dad’s family, especially with the joint physical custody. But my baby girl, she didn’t have anyone but me. And I could kick myself in the ass for not doing what I should have, not being there, not paying enough attention, for wallowing in my own self pity when at the time I really had no idea what loneliness was. Sure, there were times I cried alone, but there were also times that beautiful baby girl hugged me and dried my tears. And there was that one day, right after he left, I can recall lying there in tears without the energy or drive to get up. I distinctly remember her crying too and saying “Get up mama, you have to. I can’t do this without you. You have to get up for me.” At that time, I still thought getting clean was what would happen.
It didn’t take long for her to realize what was going on. And it was a cold, grey, rainy day when she left me. Left me to cry all alone, with the mess I made lying all around me.
Yes, I still have my son who is with me half the time. And he has stepped up and loved and worried about me more than I ever dreamt he could much less would. Of course, I love him. And I love him just as much as I do her, my first born. I just can’t seem to make anyone see that with 2/3’s of my heart being gone, 1/3 of it is not enough to make living possible.
It’s been almost 2 months since she left. And she hasn’t even spoke a word to me, even living just minutes away. Every day since has just circled me deeper and darker into the hole, a never-ending abyss. I am so sad now I can barely breath, rarely eat, and the will to keep going has just slipped past my fingertips with her love.
To my handsome and grown up little cowboy: I love you and I am sorry that mama wasn’t strong and didn’t stay to take care of you. Please understand that I am thankful for the strong little man you have been for me and know that I have smiled when I was with you because you have a heart of gold. Don’t ever forget that. Go to Texas, cover bulls, and win all the buckles and glory we talked about! I LOVE YOU!!
To my first true love, my beautiful mini me: I love you. I want you to continue to be strong. Don’t let anyone run over you. Keep being a warrior, but stay a princess. I pray that God will help you find the path that leads to the high road, I pray that you stay there and find all the love and happiness you deserve, and that it is better than we ever talked or dreamt it would be. What i wouldn’t give right now to hear those words, “I love you, beautiful,” that you always said. Go to Texas with bubby, live your dreams, and I will be there in Vegas for the crowning when you win Miss Rodeo America AND when you go back and win a world championship in barrel racing; I will just be in the distance watching, grinning from ear to ear. Don’t let ANYONE say you can’t and don’t let them get your fire ever again! I LOVE YOU, MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!
To my soul mate, still my husband: I tried to do better, I’m sorry for my failures. I can only apologize and ask for forgiveness, for I am merely human. I am not a perfect person, but I did find a reason to change. It was you! I know you don’t mean to be the way you often are, but I also know that a reason for being that way doesn’t solve the problem. I wish you had just taken a little less time for yourself and put a little more consideration into what had to be visibly happening to me before your eyes. I realize that you love me, in your own way. Unfortunately, comprise is everything when we are dealing with other people. It was too late for us for that, though. Please know that even with a shattered soul, I STILL LOVE YOU!
For all 3 of you, please don’t ever forget me. Don’t ever forget the good times, learn from the bad, and have a better life just knowing that we all learned lessons the hard way!
I love you all, ~mama/beautiful/sexy
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The 7th day
Sometimes you just need someone to be there for you, to listen, not to solve anything, but simply just to care... The book of Genesis we learn how God created the beautiful earth in 7 days. I must admit, this isn't beauty, and it took a bit more than 7 days to create this ugly mess. Oh, what I wouldn't give to just be part of the earth, simple, yet beautiful. There is nothing I love better than than the smell of a sweaty horse in the warm spring breeze and to feel those rippling muscles pounding the dirt, running freely beneath me. I call myself a functional addict. Let me just say, I see this type of person all the time in my line of work. And eventually functioning ceases. Personally, I have kept up the act as long as I could. I have selfishly (and not-so-selfishly) lost the things that motivated me, that gave me the will to live. It has been quite some time since I have had what use to be a loving husband in my life. Oh, he was here, it's just very hard to function together in a loving marriage when you both are addicts. Even before the addiction, though, he had lost that fire I use to see that caused his eyes to glow enough to light up a dark room just by looking at me. I look back, and I am envious of the silly girl I use to be. That man was so crazy about everyone could tell. I remember once when we first started talking, we were in a room together with some coworkers, didn't even speak to each other and one of the coworkers asked me afterwards was something going on between us. It was electric, it heated up any place we were at, just the raw chemistry between us. Even after getting married I would have people who were around us say, "Girl, he is head over heels for you." These days I would give a kidney just to see that look in his eyes when he looked at me, just the way he use to. We have always said we are soul mates. And I still stand by that. It is a terrible feeling to know that you have been ripped from your soul mate and must spend a life without that other part of you. It's like having half a heart, or half a brain. I definitely must have half a brain, and probably heart too. I wasn't the strong Christian wife and mother I needed to be. The devil is tempting us all, but we cannot be weak. I'm telling you all now, don't ever let yourself get pushed so far down into darkness that it takes over and you wind up like me, losing the fight, the will to keep going, to live. The husband was one thing, but the true turning point for me was when my baby girl ran out, away, and left me. I can't blame her for taking care of herself and standing up for herself. She just didn't know that almost every day after he left, SHE was the only reason I had to lift my head up and get out of bed. True, there were some days I didn't, and that is my fault. But I have to take that stupidity on my own shoulders and take my fair share of the blame for things falling apart like they have. My son, sweet, loving boy.. I knew he would be taken care of by his dad and dad's family, especially with the joint physical custody. But my baby girl, she didn't have anyone but me. And I could kick myself in the ass for not doing what I should have, not being there, not paying enough attention, for wallowing in my own self pity when at the time I really had no idea what loneliness was. Sure, there were times I cried alone, but there were also times that beautiful baby girl hugged me and dried my tears. And there was that one day, right after he left, I can recall lying there in tears without the energy or drive to get up. I distinctly remember her crying too and saying "Get up mama, you have to. I can't do this without you. You have to get up for me." At that time, I still thought getting clean was what would happen. It didn't take long for her to realize what was going on. And it was a cold, grey, rainy day when she left me. Left me to cry all alone, with the mess I made lying all around me. Yes, I still have my son who is with me half the time. And he has stepped up and loved and worried about me more than I ever dreamt he could much less would. Of course, I love him. And I love him just as much as I do her, my first born. I just can't seem to make anyone see that with 2/3's of my heart being gone, 1/3 of it is not enough to make living possible. It's been almost 2 months since she left. And she hasn't even spoke a word to me, even living just minutes away. Every day since has just circled me deeper and darker into the hole, a never-ending abyss. I am so sad now I can barely breath, rarely eat, and the will to keep going has just slipped past my fingertips with her love. To my handsome and grown up little cowboy: I love you and I am sorry that mama wasn't strong and didn't stay to take care of you. Please understand that I am thankful for the strong little man you have been for me and know that I have smiled when I was with you because you have a heart of gold. Don't ever forget that. Go to Texas, cover bulls, and win all the buckles and glory we talked about! I LOVE YOU!! To my first true love, my beautiful mini me: I love you. I want you to continue to be strong. Don't let anyone run over you. Keep being a warrior, but stay a princess. I pray that God will help you find the path that leads to the high road, I pray that you stay there and find all the love and happiness you deserve, and that it is better than we ever talked or dreamt it would be. What i wouldn't give right now to hear those words, "I love you, beautiful," that you always said. Go to Texas with bubby, live your dreams, and I will be there in Vegas for the crowning when you win Miss Rodeo America AND when you go back and win a world championship in barrel racing; I will just be in the distance watching, grinning from ear to ear. Don't let ANYONE say you can't and don't let them get your fire ever again! I LOVE YOU, MORE THAN YOU KNOW!! To my soul mate, still my husband: I tried to do better, I'm sorry for my failures. I can only apologize and ask for forgiveness, for I am merely human. I am not a perfect person, but I did find a reason to change. It was you! I know you don't mean to be the way you often are, but I also know that a reason for being that way doesn't solve the problem. I wish you had just taken a little less time for yourself and put a little more consideration into what had to be visibly happening to me before your eyes. I realize that you love me, in your own way. Unfortunately, comprise is everything when we are dealing with other people. It was too late for us for that, though. Please know that even with a shattered soul, I STILL LOVE YOU! For all 3 of you, please don't ever forget me. Don't ever forget the good times, learn from the bad, and have a better life just knowing that we all learned lessons the hard way! I love you all, ~mama/beautiful/sexy
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