call-me-oneesama

[call-me-oneesama]

New Beginnings

Tomorrow is my last day at my current workplace. I won’t go into details but, it is what it is.

Many would not give a single, flying hoot, some may question my decision. Others might judge me. All sorts of reactions. No, I don’t mind. As always, you do you. 😚

And I do me....?... Was that grammatically correct?

Nvm. Anyway, I hope you get my drift.

As an anxious person, uncertain futures scare me. I know it’s the beauty of life. But not for me. I’m too much of a realist for that.

This is the only life I’ve got. Why would I consciously put myself in that kind of situation when I have the power to control my future?

I may fail. I may succeed. But I will never know until I clichédly try. 😅

I made friends. I got to know so many beautiful people. I learned a lot. I got to experience so much. But that is not enough to tie me down to an uncertain place.

As I close my life chapter at this institution, please know that I am forever grateful for the experience. Know that I look upon them with romanticized eyes, and smiling mouth. Yes, even the hard ones.

And although at the start of this passage I was all about my loath of uncertain futures, the uncertainty of me coming back surprisingly doesn’t hurt. Granted that you will still take me. But for now, I’m going to write this down for you, and pack up all my precious memories that is my time at R1MC.

[call-me-oneesama]

🌜Birthday🌛

In two days, I will be turning 25. And with that, I am once again marveling at the fact that I could.not.care.less 😅

A lot of people are excited as they turn over a new page of their lives, aka: birthdays. A day where they feel special. Everyone treats them special. They feel like royalty and celebrate with food and laughter.

I have nothing against these people. I mean, you do you. Whatever floats your boat. In fact, I, for one makes sure that people important to me have a great time on their birthdays.

As for me, I have absolutely no energy.

I am not being emo, nor bitter. And it’s not because I don’t want people to know my age (I actually enjoy the look of surprise on their faces when I tell them how old I am🤷🏽‍♀️). I just. Don’t feel the excitement.

Maybe it’s the awkward me, not knowing how to react like, thanks? I guess? I. Don’t. Know.

[call-me-oneesama]

Rambling time.

Yesterday, my nephew was bawling, inconsolable about how he’s scared to grow old and die.

This went on for about 30 mins, with my sister comforting him. Telling him about his purpose. How Jesus has plans for him. This 5 year old boy then asked her mom to pray, and then went to sleep. Peaceful and satisfied.

And here I am. Lost. Because I realize, ever since I was a kid, never has it been my fear to die. As a baby, I was hospitalized because of pneumonia. I was rushed to the hospital, almost with no pulse. As I was growing up, things happened and I often found myself thinking that it would’ve been better had I died when I had pneumonia.

No you don’t understand. I was a girl of 8. Wishing that I should not have been born. Or died as a baby at the very least.

Now it makes sense. Why the 20 year old me was a depressed, anxious, suicidal, hate sponge. I should have been afraid to die. But I was not. 🤦🏾‍♀️

Anyway. I’m okay now. 25 years old. And suicide thoughts never cross my mind now. My depression never bounced back. Only my anxiety remained. But I will take that anytime just to be rid of all those darkness fogging my mind before. 😌

Y’all would be saying that y’all aint gonna believe me but I will be lying if I tell you that it wasn’t God who made me okay. Because God did. I prayed. Broken and crying. With nothing and no one else to turn to. I clearly remember that time I surrendered everything to Him. The lightness and love. Ah. What joy. 🥰

[call-me-oneesama]

To all the people out there thinking that this pandemic is a joke. Or at least not treating it seriously enough:

Imagine being in the isolation ward, alone. Fighting for your life. Alone.

Because no family member or loved one is allowed to visit you. And our nurses can’t be inside the isolation ward all the time.

Imagine looking around frantically for someone, anyone, then realizing no one is coming, helplessly closing your eyes and just giving up.

Imagine being in your last moments, with no one to even hold your hand.

I was at the ICU isolation ward at the hospital I am working in, because I had to collect blood samples from a patient who can’t even tell me his name. Who’s eyes were darting all over the place, breathing eratically and painfully. With every tube imaginable attached to his body.

I tied my tourniquet around his arm and it just kept on slipping because although the room was airconditioned, he was sweating. His skin was clammy.

I inserted my needle and I know I hit his vein. I pulled the syringe, yet no blood went up.

I tried a few more times. The veins on his hands, his feet, to no avail.

I have been working long enough to know that this man will not last long.

I finally tried drawing blood from his radial artery. It yielded a bit of blood although I did some fishing because with his every labored breathing, his whole body jerks.

I was already there for thirty minutes. All the while another patient was moaning for a little bit of water.

I shut my ears and heart out to them because I still need to send the samples I collected to the laboratory.

Upon centrifuging, the patient’s sample was hemolyzed.

Immediately, I called the ward to inform them that I had to recollect the patient’s sample. The nurse then told me that I didn’t have to because the patient already passed away.

Not even an hour had passed since I left the patient. It was so fast.

I know I couldn’t have had done anything but I still felt guilty. I wish I could’ve stayed. I wish this pandemic could just disappear. I wish our healthcare system is not this crappy. I wish.

To my fellow healthcare workers out there, I am forever amazed by you. Treating patients during this time is a lot harder. More exhausting, emotionally draining.

Let us try to be gentle. To always be kind.

Please take CoVid 19 a lot more seriously.

[call-me-oneesama]

Let us hype this up more!!!

[call-me-oneesama]

This little sh*t ranting about small things she's making out to be a lot worse than it seems.

I dont know if i am depressed or something. All I know is I am once again pushing everybody away than opening up to someone. My inbox were full of friends wanting to meet me, asking how am I doing. And what do I do. #ignored. Because I am a piece o'sh*t. I basically dont have the energy. I dont feel anything. I dont give a single flying fvck. What is wrong with me. It should be okay if this only started today, right? But it's been years (4, to be exact). Some months I am out and about, having fun with friends. Being productive, and an overall responsible adult. The next, I become a doormat, content with lying around all day. Unnoticed. Unmotivated. Romanticizing suicide. And being a n overall ungrateful b*tch. Then there are times that I lash out. I snap at people (my poor fambam. Getting the burn of my sharp tongue). They (my fam and friends) dont deserve to be treated that way. They don't deserve to be pushed away with no explanation, whatsoever. They don't deserve a trash like me. No selfpitying intended. How do I get out of this slump Ive been wallowing again.

[call-me-oneesama]

Venom (2018) - “Ride to Hospital” deleted scene

[call-me-oneesama]

This has got to be my favorite ending to any episode of all time. 

The ridiculousness of it all.

The narrator.

The voice crack.

[call-me-oneesama]

Favorite Yaoi Mangas

Rouge by Katsura Komachi (Completed, 1 vol.)

Gang fights and Yakuza dabblings. Sophomores versus seniors. Blood, rape and power. Mayhem rules Kishuu Private High School when the sophomore Nagato transfers into the all-boys school. Being battle-tested and oblivious to the hierarchy, the newcomer soon piques the senior leader’s interest. When Nagato is suddenly confronted and defeated by the latter’s lap dog, Ai, he vows to get back at his foe. Little does he know that Ai harbours a dark past behind his beautiful poker face…

Jackass! - Sawatte Ii tte Dare ga Itta yo? by Scarlet Beriko (Completed, 1 vol.)

High school student Hara Keisuke suddenly finds himself wearing a pantyhose while putting on his jersey. This happened because his sister was wearing his jersey the day before, but Keisuke doesn’t find the right timing to laugh it off. The one who helps him in this situation is his good-looking best friend Shinoda. Perferming perfectly in tune they get out, but when Shinoda watches Keisuke take off the pantyhose he suddenly changes…?

Yondaime Ooyamato Tatsuyuki by Scarlet Beriko (Completed, 1 Vol.)

Tatsuyuki is the reluctant young master of a Yakuza group. He would rather spend his days playing around than learning the ropes of his family’s dubious business. When his caretaker sends him off to a branch office in Fukuoka, the recently heartbroken Tatsuyuki finds himself in a weirder situation than he would have ever expected.

Black Or White by Sachimo (Ongoing) 

Himemiya Shin has always wanted to become an actor ever since he was in high school. Now, he is an up and coming actor who only gets roles for the bad guys. Tatebayashi Kazushige has always wanted to go to college, but instead he became an actor. Now, he is an up and coming ikemen who only gets the likable roles. These two opposites may look like they have nothing in common on the outside, however, what secrets lay on the inside? Follow these two as their mysterious show business secret love unfolds

Hana to Junketsu by Katsura Komachi (Completed, 1 Vol.) 

In a world where vampires and humans co-exist one student finds out that for vampires, the line between “hunting prey” and “making love” has long since been blurred. But whatever you call it, it can still very sweet…or bitter.

Osanajimi ga Do M de Tsundere Nan Desu ga by Nobana Saori (Completed, 1 Vol)

Susume is a total and utter masochistic bottom. He blows his nights having fun with guys, no strings attached. His crazy lifestyle then catches the attention of his childhood friend, Momo. Susume knows this and also the fact that Momo likes him, but he pretends to be oblivious. But one day, Momo tells him that he’s always loved him. And Susume’s response to that was, “Let’s try going out once”, but…

Castehate by Natsuno Yuzu (Ongoing)

Living the high school life, being admired by all the other species in his school, Rurikawa (Wolf. Alpha. Male.) meets a lower species, Kyougokuin (Rabbit. Beta. Male.) As soon as their eyes meet, Rurikawa thinks, “I want to breed this beautiful creature.” He’s suddenly unable to control his urges as he’s turned on. In a world where men can also become pregnant, this series tells the story of high school boys being led around by their instincts and fate.

Moon and Sun by Abe Akane (Ongoing)

The son of a yakuza, Mashiro was living a mundane life until he had a shocking encounter. Find out how the childhood friend of Hana finds love in the weirdest places.

Flaver by Sachimo (Completed, 1 Vol.)

Shimojou can have whatever he wants but deep down finds life boring. Constantly searching for a thrill, he wanders off the path of an elite and descends into life as a yakuza-like lowlife. Nonetheless, he moves forward as if life were an easy game. Then one day, he comes across a man who’s a filthy piece of garbage. This is the man, who during their youth, was the only person who has given Shimojou the taste of defeat.

Kashikomarimashita, Destiny by Sachimo (Completed, 2 Vol.)

The story tells of a stubborn young master and his loyal servant. Because of their statuses, their love story is at the mercy of fate. Aoi is the heir to his family, but due to some discord between him and his stepmother, he is forced to leave the house. And there to support him is his childhood butler, Miyauchi. After living his days being doted on and served, Aoi finds his position reversed, where he has to work all day. And what has supported him throughout this lifestyle is his unrequited love of 5 years for Jirou, the heir to the Saionji family, a leading automobile maker.

Caste Heaven by Ogawa Chise (Ongoing)

Ruled by a cruel and arbitrary ranking system, the school is a pool of jealousy, envy and lust. Azusa was the King for a long time but one day he falls to the very bottom. What now? 

Kuroneko Kareshi no Asobikata by Sakyou Aya (Ongoing)

The werecat Shingo is able to change into a black cat, and as long as someone has the looks and body that he likes, he’ll sleep with just about anyone. Falling for Shingo because he was overwhelmed by his strong masculine aura is the No. 1 popular actor, Kakami. Amongst all the playful teasing and messing around between the two, Kakami suddenly shows his beastly nature…?!

Remnant: Kemonohito Omegaverse by Hasumi Hana (Ongoing)

Daato lives at an orphanage with his younger sister Bella. Unlike other children, as Omegas, once they get their first heat, they will be married off. Daato is determined to make sure that he will not be separated from his only family, more so once he finds out that the priest has been selling the Omegas off instead of having them marry. When Bella suddenly goes into heat, things come to a head, and only the mysterious alpha beast-man Juda tries to help.

Noru ka Soru ka by Hashimoto Aoi (Completed, 1 Vol.)

Takamune Houjou and Minami have been good friends for twenty years. After certain events happened, the two are now finally officially lovers. However, the biggest issue they have with their relationship is…that they don’t know who will top who!! So now its an all out match to see who “wins or loses”!!

Honto Yajuu by Yamamoto Kotetsu (Ongoing)

Ueda Tomoharu is a cop manning a local koban station, and he’s quite happy with his job and relatively quiet life until he happens to run into yakuza member Gotouda Aki while chasing down an underwear theif…and is suddenly confessed to! Aki doesn’t seem bothered in the least about their ~star-crossed lovers~ status and eagerly dives into a super lovey-dovey relationship with his policeman, but Ueda’s about to find out just how dangerous it can be dating a mobster…in more ways than one.

Kurui Naku No Wa Boku No Ban by Kusabi Keri (Completed, 1 Vol.)

In this omegaverse, Takaba Keisuke is an alpha that hates omegas. He transfers to a new job only to find out that his boss is an omega. How will this relationship work out? Serving under the cunning Karasuma Miyabi, will Takaba see omegas in a new light?

Ashita wa Docchi Da! by Yamamoto Kotetsu (Ongoing)

Kirara is seen as a cute and girly boy by others, however he wants to be a cool and manly guy! So when two tall and cool boys move in nearby he starts to follow them around to learn how to be manly. As they grow up together, Kirara realizes that his feelings towards the younger brother, Ken, isn’t just simple friendship.

Konya mo Nemurenai by Yamamoto Kotetsu (Completed, 3 Vol.)

Shy freshman college student Rikiya knows he likes guys, but has never been in a relationship, only able to look on without expressing his feelings. Living on his own for the first time he decides to try and change his life and joins a gay dating site. Everything seems perfect until he finds himself about to be attacked with nowhere to turn yet desperately hoping for help, when a guy crawls through the wall and says, “There’s no helping it. What’s your wish?”

[call-me-oneesama]

Halp.

One time, I was having another down moment (feeling empty, urge to self harm, and wanting to end it all). So I up and messaged a friend (that I didnt push away, that is) that I am having a hard time. What he replied was "what do you think will hurting urself and/or commiting suicide, will accomplish?"

I was like, Idk? I just want this feeling to go away.

The thing with my problem is that it just comes. Without prior warning. It will just hit me in the face. Filling my brain with crazy things and my gullible mind will start thinking like, yeah, that's pretty legit, just end it all now for no one loves you. They say they understand but they dont. They say they care, but they dont. At the back of their minds they be thinking that you're all drama. Youre such a diva. Not everything is about you. Can u not? Its all in ur head.

And yeah, its all in my head. Literally. ITS. ALL. UP. THERE. And I want it out. But how?! Oh, man. This sucks.

[call-me-oneesama]

“don’t complain, I have it worse than you”

[call-me-oneesama]

If you’re asking me if I like your company, the answer is yes. If, on the other hand, you’re asking me if I could live without you, the answer is also yes.

Paulo Coelho, The Zahir (via thelovejournals)

[call-me-oneesama]

[call-me-oneesama]

When a person tells you you hurt them, you don’t get to decide you didn’t.

Louis C.K. (via wordsnquotes)

Preach 🙌🏽

[call-me-oneesama]

Convo with my mates ealier this day

Me: *shows a picture of my best mate* Mate 1: oh she's pretty. Is she your girlfriend? Mate 2: *gasp* Don't say that she might get confused! Me: *internally* oh no, I'm not confused. I am straight. Straight up gay. Me: *Laughs*

[call-me-oneesama]

Cosmos Night Projector

Magical star light to swing your mood in minutes and amazing present for kids.

Check it out ==>> HERE <<==

[call-me-oneesama]

@harrypotternetwork creation event: the tasks

Now, let me be clear. If chosen, you stand alone.