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Another dream comic. Had a dream where I was tied to a chair in a dark room and some hooded figures killed me after I begged for my life—but then I got caught in a time loop and so I kept trying to figure out what I could say to get them to not shoot me but they killed me no matter what I said. Started just shouting random stuff eventually.

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I've always disliked mr beast just based on his content mill vaguely exploitative vibes so it's been kind of wild learning he also does legitimate crimes and workplace violations. it's like disliking an acquaintance because they're kinda annoying and then finding out they kill people too like damn dude you didn't have to do all that i already hated your ass.

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I read an AITA post a few weeks back about a woman who liked having snacks in the bath when she's had a long day (a result of residual trauma iirc - the bath was her safe space). Her brand new husband of three weeks, a man twice her age who had no job, made her pay all of his bills and do all housework, and spent all day every day gaming because he wanted to make it as a Twitch streamer, had always been fine with this; but, on the day in question, had whisked her bath snacks out of her hands as she was on her way to the bathroom and tried to bin them, telling her it was time to 'break her of that filthy habit in his home'. She told him if he ever actually paid anything towards the house she owns outright he might get a say, took her snacks back, and had her lovely bath. He was since giving her the silent treatment.

(Obviously the judgement was an avalanche of 'NTA and also he's abusing you', which she agreed with, and decided to kick him out, so happy ending.)

Anyway I told my husband about this and he was outraged. "I would never do that!" he told me, furious. "I would find it adorable if you had bath snacks!"

Since then, every time I try to have a bath (which I only do as a rare treat) after about ten minutes there has been an anxious scrabbling at the bathroom door.

"Elanor!" he says. "Do you have bath snacks? Do you need anything?"

My answer is irrelevant. He brings me wine and poptarts. Now I have bath snacks. I'm a bath snacks person. Last time he was literally sleeping on the sofa when I went for the bath. Somehow this still happened. I now have an eager bathroom butler. How did this happen. I have never been so decadent yet bewildered.

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im jesus

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on their clit like morse code

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When I was in high school I ate half a jar of pickled garlic. It was a pretty big jar. There wasn't much of a reason for this, just that I thought it was delicious and didn't have much self control. I thought that my breath would stink and whatever, I would brush my teeth a bunch and not actually worry about it.

Turns out, garlic has a way of just soaking into a person's entire body.

My guess is that this was about four full bulbs of pickled garlic. It was seeping out of my pores. It was in the oils of my hair and skin. When I went to the bathroom it smelled more like garlic than urine. It felt like it was going to last forever. On the second day I asked my mom whether I could stay home from school, and she asked how long I thought it was going to last, and I really had no idea.

I thought that it was funny, but other people thought that it was weird and off-putting, which made me think that it was less funny. One teacher placed me in the back corner of the room so I would cause the least problems with my stink.

I cried a little bit, and the tears smelled like garlic.

But in the twenty years since then, you know what? Not a single vampire.

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happy daylight savings to those who observe

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I was walking out of the Walmart today, and a car passed me, and I got this incredibly vivid impression. It wasn't really in words, but if I had to put it into words, the two key points would be

a). I needed to watch that car and

b). That I needed to be careful, because the driver of the car was a massive bitch.

It kind of took me by surprise, because I really had no reason to be beefing with that car, and I also hadn't really had an impression like that since I was religious, which was in my teen years. Right? It'd been a decade since I had a little voice whisper in my ear, and I'd basically written it off as nonsense.

Anyway, I watched the car, because The Spirits or whatever were very insistent that I did. Car drove fine, went into the parking spot, inched forward, and right when it should've just stopped, the driver gunned it for some reason and it ran into the curb and cracked its bumper.

So, the driver got out, and she went to the front of the car to check that yes, she had cracked her bumper, and then she turned to look at me. The parking lot wasn't empty, but we were the only two people standing in that row, and I'd probably been staring at her for tenish seconds now.

She demanded very angrily to know why I hadn't warned her of the curb. And I could have said I didn't know you were about to gun it or is it my job to help every stranger park, or even could you have even heard me, inside your car?

And all of those would have been fine, but I was really, really busy digesting that I had somehow communed with Mormon Jesus again for the first time in fifteen years, and that the communion had mostly been there to let me watch someone park badly (?), so what I responded with was:

"Because it was foretold."

And I can't tell which would be funnier, if she went silent because there's not much to be said to that, or if she went silent because in Utah, she might actually believe me, but we parted ways without more words.

I'm still kind of digesting this myself, actually.

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Ha a lélek vándorlásában hiszünk, el kell fogadnunk hogy ha zenészek voltunk, zenészek maradunk akkor is, ha négy lábbal újraszületünk..

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I'm fucking dying someone please make a Pink Panther-style crime comedy about this

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Tumblr staff: ten options is enough for polls, right? No one needs more than that on a regular basis. The average tumblr user: Hey guys which element of the periodic table do you think is the most fuckable?

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'donald fucking trump @-ing a Jun Wu roleplay account on twitter' was not in my fucking bingo card for 2024

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BIG SILLY?

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