calamityqueer

[calamityqueer]

Happiness Will Come To You.

[calamityqueer]

Oh, to play with my cute little sub while she's busy. To wait until she's fully engrossed in her activity before bringing her water. Wrapping my arms around her from behind to watch over her shoulder and lightly trail my lips from her neck to her shoulder and back. She barely notices my fingers splayed over her clothes but hands placed carefully. A gentle brush of one thumb under her breast and the warmth of my fingers wrapped over her hip heating her skin, providing kindling for the fire I plan to start. And as I whisper in her ear every detail of how I plan to ravage her in our bed, the flame flickers to life. I leave nothing out, from how I plan to strip every article of clothing from her gorgeous frame and eat her delicious little cunt until she sobs, to how much I look forward to spreading her open on my strap and pounding her until she's a drooling mess shaking from overstimulation. When I'm positive she's burning, lust eating away at her focus, cheeks red, breathing heavy, I'll wish her good luck with what she's doing and walk away, satisfied in the knowledge that her achy, dripping pussy is clenching around nothing as she squirms in her seat.

[calamityqueer]

I want to be used as a strap warmer. Like, yes, baby, you can keep playing your game, I'll just sit pretty on ur lap until ur ready to play with me instead. But of course, I won't be still or quiet. Your little movements are gonna make me squirm and hiss until you friends are asking you what that noise was and you have to play with one hand to still me with the other and mute yourself to tell me to be quiet. I'd love to see how long until I become too distracting, and with a low growl, you put the game away and finally fuck me properly. Pushing my face into the mattress telling me what a bad strap warmer I was and how I need to get punished. Telling me to take it like the slut I am and when you can feel I'm getting close, asking me if I think I deserve to come. While I beg you not to take the climax I'm starting to reach away, you stop fucking me and tell me to do a better job next time. Then you go back to your game, apologizing to your friends for having to take a quick break.

[calamityqueer]

the first rule of being on the internet is you should have other stuff going on, besides being on the internet

[calamityqueer]

I really enjoy reading your takes about gender, sexuality, and kink-- even when I (occasionally) disagree they are always very thorough and insightful, and I get a lot out of your perspective, so thank you for sharing it here. (You also reblogged my wild ass post about Model UN and sexuality a while back and I appreciate that)

You have said a few times that you had very different experiences being seen as a man versus when you were seen as a woman, like night and day. I haven't experienced that at all-- essentially zero difference, even when I try to think about it carefully. I transitioned when I was 20 and have been on T for 6 years, and I pass as a (cis) man in most situations including at work.

I definitely don't say this to deny the existence of everyday sexism and misogyny. In college I often used the bus to get around and so did my girlfriend at the time, and she told me about multiple times people made creepy remarks to her on the bus or while out. But I've been in loads of situations like that and thankfully never been catcalled or harassed.

My question is about whether you think trans men with experiences like mine are more due to social ignorance (I definitely have trouble noticing other people's behavior around me in general-- maybe they did treat me weirdly and I didn't notice), my gender presentation at the time (my entire life I have been visibly "GNC" due to my failure to perform femininity. Long before I came out as trans, people did occasionally make negative comments about the way I spoke, dressed, or walked (???) being "unfeminine", or even if they didn't directly make negative remarks they were uncomfortable with me), because I never really considered myself a girl or woman, or something else. Obviously, the experiences I had where some people ostracized me in childhood for social difficulties being "a girl" are a type of sexism, but they are different from and less harmful than the type of sexism than most women and people perceived as women describe experiencing.

oh my god yes the sexy jingoistic model UN villain i love your whole deal. thanks for calling back in.

Yes I think it is all of the above! Just as many trans women experience gender-based oppression before they come out (even to themselves), some trans men do experience social treatment that just...isn't... what cis women undergo, regardless of how we might present at the time. This can be a complex melange of punishment for being GNC and some amount of protection from harassment or grudging respect of one's competence. It really depends!

People who are read as butch women by the larger world face horrific misogynistic abuses such as corrective rape, physical assault, and harassment, of course, but there are also some people who look that way or are on the trans masculine spectrum who are seen by those around them as "one of the guys" (not fully, but closer to), invisible in a somewhat positive way, or existing enough outside of the prevailing gender structure as to not be bothered a ton.

Much of this is shaped by forces like culture, class, and race. I've written about this before, but coming from a lower middle-class-to-working-class ish background, it was considered very normal for women to have masculine qualities, and indeed this was respected. If anything I was socially punished for my femininity not my masculinity, growing up. People responded well to my low voice, authoritativeness, etc. In the female-dominated spaces I have worked in (like psychology), this continued. I was both othered for being weird and bad at being a woman, and also taken seriously because I comported myself with masculine entitlement. All of this was before I transitioned at all.

I don't know your specific positionality but since you were a speech and debate nerd type as well, I imagine we have some experiences in common. The style of communication those fields promote are pretty androgynous or masculine, if you wanna call it that, and it's generally pretty well tolerated for a "woman" to like wearing suits, having a practical no-fuss haircut and style, to speak in a low voice, and to have certain masculine qualities. Not to mention all the roleplay you were doing in that position (because you were playing an evil American imperialist). There's a bit of a buffer you get from certain forms of sexism when you present in that way in that milleiu. I remember when I was doing speech and debate I consistently got really high scores and I was an aggressive, clipped, self-confident type in masculine suits. A peer of mine who was equally talented (class valedictorian, very skillful and brilliant) got awful ballots from judges commenting on how she dressed, the pitch of her voice, using the word "like" too much, etc -- she was a far more feminine woman than me. Little things like that stand out to me as reflecting male privileges I had all my life.

But of course, it's always a mix! Part of the reason I could 'get away' with positioning myself as a woman with masculine characteristics back then was that I could do so while still remaining conventionally attractive. I was thin, I had long hair, I still looked "pretty" without putting any energy into my appearance, I just carried myself in a masculine ish way. I was like Elizabeth Holmes or whatver. That is a VERY different position to be in than a fat butch woman for instance, especially one of color. So many factors here that intersect and complicate these things!

[calamityqueer]

i need a girl I can use whenever and wherever I feel like it. I want a girl who pretends to be taken aback by how vulgar and forward I can be, and maybe even scolds me a little, but starts getting a wet spot on her panties anytime I feel her up in public. a girl who gets turned on being dykehandled like a slut

[calamityqueer]

Re: what do dominant people need to recover after a harder-kink session?

Biggest things that helped me were taking some time afterwards to sit together, talk with her about what she had or hadn't enjoyed, just some reassurance that she knew I respected her IRL and that I only was willing to manhandle her in various ways because it turned her on, that I wouldn't ever purposefully do anything that she wasn't ok with, and so on. Basically just trying to get back into that soft/loving/protective mode, rather than rough/aggressive/etc

TBH, it's been a long time since I've had kinky sex, or any sex so I don't know what might help the best at this life point.

Something that I'm a bit nervous about wrt aftercare is having her confirm that she enjoyed it and wanted whatever we did to happen, but me going on some kind of shame spiral of worrying that she's just doing a fawn response and saying that because she wants to reassure me.

My current solution for that is that I'm just pretty tight about what types of harder kinks I'm willing to do at all, even if the woman says she wants it and enjoys it. Even if I might sexually enjoy certain types of CNC, for example, I kinda don't feel mentally/emotionally comfortable acting that kind of scenario out. Ignoring "no's" or getting really physically threatening, even as a LARP, are just things where I don't know if I can explore them in a way that won't make me feel like a bad person.

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Had an experience of this type that I had early in my sexual career and which went really badly, but idk if it's the kind of thing that you really talk about on here.

cliff notes: haphazardly established cnc, it was her idea, but I thought it'd be hot in the heat of the moment, she got really really into it and horny for it, I (man in the aggressor role) tapped out once it started feeling kinda real, I had a huge emotional crisis, we had a giant fight about it. It was not a fun weekend. We were too young and bad at communicating for that kind of thing, but also too horny and dumb to not try it. Rough combo.

Mostly just funny to try to explain to people that I was roleplaying the aggressor, and I was also the one of the two of us who had a panic attack.

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TBH, I had a lot of problems as a young guy with feeling guilt over how my sexual urges were bad or dirty in some way due to my libido being directed towards women.

I'd managed to internalize a really dysfunctional blend of messages about sexuality, growing up in a liberal family in a very conservative state. Like, when I was a teenager I felt guilty about things as benign as "liking doggy style", "enjoying receiving blowjobs", and "fantasizing about getting with two bi girls". The latter was a fantasy that I had like one time as a teen boy, and I felt so guilty about objectifying bi women that I was almost sick to my stomach. I was a weird teenager.

I did develop some kinks that are probably coping mechanisms or ways to avoid the guilt of being sexually forward, now that I think of it, as well as the anxiety of needing to make sure she's enjoying it.

While I am dominant-leaning I'm very much into being begged for stuff. The more I can trick her into begging for what she wants, and directing the encounter as the bottom, the better. Saves my attention and focus for doing a good job of getting us both off rather than having to decide what's gonna happen next.

Never understood the hate for submissive women who "top from the bottom", it's incredibly erotic to me.

omggg anon you sound like such a sweetie with such hot fuckin kinks that you also are so wound up about. understandably so of course. here are some of my thoughts.

"worrying that she's just doing a fawn response and saying that because she wants to reassure me"

I think you can get around this fear by being open-ended in the feedback that you request from subs. So, for instance, you can tell subs that one thing that you need as a form of aftercare and ongoing negotiation is for them to give you a reflection of their experience a day or some days afterward. This can happen in a conversation or via them keeping a journal or something similar. Ask them to describe what they liked, what they'd like to see go differently, what they want more of. This will get you a lot of feedback that is reassuring without you specifically having to ask for reassurance and feel like you're manipulating the conversation in some way.

I think once you have established a really good rapport with a sub and can communicate with them effectively (and TRUST them to tell you when things aren't working for them), then you can say, straight up "I feel like an awful person sometimes after doing CNC/etc, can you check in the next day to tell me you're doing okay and that I'm not evil?" Or whatever else you might need.

I get you very much about the gender political baggage that comes with wanting to be a Dominant man with woman partners... from the opposite side of things. One barrier to fully enjoying my kinks pre-transition was that I considered it totally socially unacceptable to be a "weak woman." I wasn't even especially feminist, it was more about not being taken advantage of and being worthless. I came from a cultural mileu in which women were expected to be strong and capable and practical, and in academia, women were similarly pretty no-frills and had to appear confident. I felt like being too passive would be unattractive or make me less human, almost. One way to get around this was transitioning. It was really a hell of a hack for this. I don't feel bad about being a passive hole getting used anymore, and I don't have to worry much about the motives behind my partner's Dominance... they're not seeing me as a gender stereotype of a woman anymore and so i'm freed of all that. For cishet couples, I think affirming one's shared feminist values etc is helpful for everyone involved, and clarifying that these roles are not inherent they are chosen.

My current dog handler/mommy interestingly needs a partner to beg for their cum before they can bust a nut inside someone. I don't know if it is for similar feminist/consent hesitation reasons because they're pretty good at letting loose on me otherwise, but they've articulated to me that it's a thing that they need. This was initially a challenge because we do pup play and I become really obedient and nonverbal. But we have found ways for me to signal to them that I want what they are doing and that i want more of it.

So for example, a few nights ago after they were really whaling on me for a couple hours, they stopped and said I'd been a really good puppy and they were going to give me a break. But I didn't want a break. I wanted them to cum in me. So when they rolled me onto my side, still inside me, I started wriggling against their dick and licking their hands and whimpering for more, which made them get really hard again and then they fucked the shit out of me for another 15-20 minutes before spraying a load way up in me. It was incredibly hot and tender.

Wanting your subs to beg for treatment from you is a great way of working with your anxieties and making an ongoing consent affirmation into a hot activity and another act of submission on their part. It's a great move. There's a few other things you can do as well when that fails. For example, when my Dom/mommy thinks that I might be getting too headspacey and zoned out of being fucked they will ask me to fuck them -- they'll stop moving and i have to hump at their dick and take it in as deep as I can get it myself. That shows that I'm still alert, motivated, and interested as hell in whats happening. just a really fun hot way to check in and get reassurance without breaking scene. I'm sure there's so many other options.

I hope you get to have fun out there with the kinky bisexual topping from the bottom women of your dreams!

[calamityqueer]

When folks tell you that socialism is a white ideology, show them this thread. (x)

my twitter

[calamityqueer]

i think shirt slightly too short to fully cover the belly and pants hung low on the waist is the most powerful and sexy fat boy combo

[calamityqueer]

one of the hardest things to learn as a depressed former Gifted Kid™ is that half-assed is better than nothing. take the 50%, 40%, even 20% job. scrubbing your face is better than not taking a shower at all. picking up your clothes is better than never cleaning. nibbling on some bread is better than starving.

DO THINGS HALFWAY. NOW YOU’RE 100% BETTER OFF THAN YOU WERE BEFORE.

[calamityqueer]

girls who pack please please pleass let me rut against your buldge like a pathetic slut I'll wear the pretty lingerie you like and arch my back please

[calamityqueer]

The cruelty of racist white men.

[calamityqueer]

[calamityqueer]

I should probably preface this by saying that this is a genuine question, not an attempt to "own" anyone, not a troll, etc. I'm genuinely curious and interested: Has there been any good scientific studies done on the question "Does having a kink about a 'problematic' subject, reading about it, fantazising about it, roleplaying it, etc., make a person more or less likely to do that problematic thing in real life?" Do you know of any good research papers or articles on the subject? Maybe it's a whole field of study?

I feel like if I ever (god help me) would have to defend a position of "other people's kinks, no matter how disgusted they might make me feel personally, are none of my business" to someone, it would be useful to have some kind empirical science to point towards.

Again, I'm not trying to be a jerk saying "source, please?", I'm genuinely interested in reading about it.

So a good place to start here is in thinking about how this kind of topic gets data collected about it. So if you're wondering about the relationship between, for example, fantasizing about bestiality and actually abusing animals, your primary way of being able to study actual, real-world behavioral outcomes would be to identify a source of data on acts of bestiality...which would almost exclusively come from the police state. If you really wanted to study who actually does commit these acts and what their history was, you'd have to look at people who were convicted for having committed animal abuse of a sexual nature.

The problem is, that data isn't necessarily representative of what abuse actually occurs and how often. The police aren't trustworthy, the carceral justice system is profoundly unjust, not every person gets investigated or tried fairly, and even if all those systems DID operate justly and fairly, you'd still be missing all the people who never got caught. And we know that since these systems are racist, classist, ableist, etc, that they are not 'catching' real offenders from all groups equally. Poor & Black people who have committed these acts are most likely to get caught, rich & white ones least likely. And so the data is skewed.

This is FURTHER complicated by the fact that even if you do look at this data, you are only seeing the people who *have* harmed animals sexually, not the people that haven't, and so that is going to be susceptible to confirmation bias of your prior assumptions and not be representative of the whole population if you use it to draw conclusions. So, for instance, if you look at the porn habits of every person who has been convicted for bestiality, you will probably find a lot of bestiality porn (both fantasy and real) in their histories. Okay, not surprising... but of the average people watching this porn, how many actually go on to offend and how many don't? We have no way of knowing. And because such an activity is so stigmatized (and in the case of real porn, itself illegal), you're going to not be able to get self-report surveys from the general population on this.

If you did try to give out surveys on this kind of stuff, you might be forced to report any of your respondents who did admit to doing something illegal. It wouldn't really pass most ethics boards to do this research at all.

So you can see why this is such a shadowy field of discussion. The thing to keep in mind is that the number of people who do get arrested for things like bestiality, child sexual abuse (especially the kind that is driven by an attraction to children rather than your garden variety case of a parent abusing their power over their kids in multiple ways, including sexual, but the sex is incidental), etc are very small. These are vanishingly uncommon crimes. and we can't really trust the police state to give us reputable information on this. and it is very hard for scientists to study well, and most who study it do approach it in a pretty sensationalistic way.

So, to answer your question, yes you can hop onto google scholar and dig around for studies on 'paraphilias' and their relationship to criminal offenses, but most of it is going to be profiles of people locked in mental health institutions and jails that SOUNDS super scary and fucking disgusting but is not a good reflection of whatever the hell is going on in the actual world. I think it's evident that a hell of a lot more people are fantasizing about this stuff than are offenders. Especially if we are drawing a distinction between fantasy and porn that depicts actual abuse. The people drawing dogs fucking on like deviant art or whatever probably do not pose any actual threat to real animals 99.99% of the time.

And if and when a person with a desire to DOES harm animals, it is because of the legal construction of animals as property that it is possible for them to do so. once again power is the root of the crime. more than a 'paraphilia' making someone like, evil. a lot of this stuff is values based and a philosophical case about how the world works rather than a specific statistical claim. but the number of real offenses that happen are so vanishingly thin that we could barely empirically study them anyway -- it's too small a sample size, and there is no ability to locate comparison groups of non-offenders who share these kinks.

I hope this helps answer your question. Obviously I am using bestiality as one example here but you could apply this to CNC and rape porn, child abuse and age play porn, etc etc.

[calamityqueer]

"it was in 2020" oh so like a year or so ago. a couple years. im sorry 5? did you just say five? five years ago ?

[calamityqueer]

One of the things that makes writing hard is that different people have different levels of visualization. Some people cannot for the life of them picture something unless given a direct description, some people don't care that they can't picture something, and others will picture something without any prompting from the author, building up their understanding through characterization and one-of descriptions.

Descriptions are vital for the people who need them. They can't picture anything without them! If you don't tell them someone's hair color, they can't get a fix on that character in their mind. The degree to which their reading suffers varies, but it can nag at them.

Descriptions are useless for people who have vivid imaginations. You only have to say that someone slammed a laptop shut and they can tell you what this person in their mind's eye is wearing. They give a character dimples that are mentioned nowhere in the text. Descriptive paragraphs get skimmed, unless they're very entertaining or seem plot relevant.

I think that to some extent, readers don't understand that this variety exists: people assume that their way of experiencing the text is the way that everyone experiences it.

As a writer, it's pretty vital that you understand the breadth of how people read, because without that, you can't calibrate on what you're showing and why, particularly when it comes to characters.

[calamityqueer]

dykes at 1997 NYC pride. flickr