cakeblindness

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do we think chocolate guy is gay?

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Backshots...? No, I could never strike my enemy whilst he isn't looking. It would be most dishonorable

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Oh Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License, we’re really in for it now

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Get his ass, Gertrude.

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ichthyologists in 1938:

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still believe that one of the greatest bits of all time was on January 6th, 2021 when. well. you know. and twitter was understandably an echo chamber of panic and fear and Justin McElroy just tweeted a selfie with a filter that was like “have a delicious national spaghetti day” followed by 3 tweets that were like “fuck. i’m sorry. i don’t know how to delete scheduled posts” and as i type this two years later i’m laughing

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Toxic bitch.

- Me when the DJ asks me what my favorite Britney Spears song is

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i am so absolutely utterly scared that my insane grandfather in his 80s who runs miles every morning is going to leave me a bird in his will and i am especially scared he is going to leave me a large cockatoo named "captain hook". hook has been trying to make me his child bride since i was like 6 years old and every time i see him again which has only been a couple times with decades in between hook is like "you. it's always been you. ever since you were born i've known we were meant to be" captain hook you are a bird and i am a LESBIAN and i don't WANT an eternal sentinel captain HOOK!!!!!!!

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there's no need to worry in real life about my bird problem i'll find a way to not have to take care of this bird, but imagine if this happened to you. Imagine if you were worried that your grandfather was going to give you a bird for your whole life because the bird is in love with you and then you find out that it's true. He knows the bird is in love with you and he wants you to be with the bird forever and he has arranged it legally so that the bird will be with you forever as your husband. and you're a lesbian. what if that happened to you on christmas

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HAPPY SHREW YEAR

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If humans ever find intelligent alien life that we can smoke fat blunts with, it'll completely change the way we view everything, but give it a couple of generations and we'll go right back to saying, "I wonder if there's intelligent life out there or if it's just humanity and the xyblors. Be a bit lonely if it's just us, wouldn't it?"

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if you can find it in your heart to forgive me press the ACTION button

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lol so true busty….i mean breastie…i mean. fuck

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He lunged after my cock like he was a polar bear. And I was the last coca cola on earth