cainwandering

[cainwandering]

untitled(5)

How much of my love is real? How much of myself is real? I cannot verify No way to confirm Tangible impression on the world around me

Do you understand? Can you hear my world? Quiet Passing

[cainwandering]

The Studio

I imagine the woods. I see the path and how it perfectly curves into the trees as if it were a path into another world, and maybe it is. In my head I see buildings that look like the dorms at SUNY Purchase and the tennis court in a tall white room. I see our big room and the kitchen in the corner with the light spilling out because its dark now and we decided to leave the lights off everywhere else.

[cainwandering]

Quaaludes Interludes And all the things in between

Feeling of no feeling Of barbed wire, lush inside Performatively distorted And always in love

Im so exhausted Eyes, synapses restless Those who are tired in this way Who toss and turn during the waking hours Lets shut our eyes Relax our bodies And enjoy the small things Like

Quaaludes Interludes And everything in between

[cainwandering]

Un autre jour

Completely disconnected cold and Unconcerned Days episodic Un autre jour, un autre jour Un autre sem Un autre an?

I live completely inside my own head Pilot this flesh Watch the queue fill Play

My smoke is so sweet Tastes of berries Fills me up Earthly clay and cream Soften my heart It loves me whole

Another day Another roach Another film Another meal Another power on/off night

[cainwandering]

Vows[draft1](unfinished)

A muse or many things Wonder, alive in boxes, screens I vow to give you my love, cheri, and dream of you Between the first and the last hour I will yearn for you Body and heart And give you both in abundance I will appreciate your pastel soul Completely anew every day So take my being With all it is And take these vows in whole

[cainwandering]

Kitchen

Movement like fire, combat, drawn from the common enemy As one may do In times of war And the heat of our tools will match the heat in our bodies We will be white hot to the touch Almost as hot as a star

Every night we play Lives become strings caught together Ambitions and projections of them And the loose outer string that ties us all

Too many vices, frequent in fornication Angry and hard, prideful Game like a ladder, played as such

Alas All the way in the middle Underneath the residue we leave There is love It is so easy to forget In the heat of our battles

[cainwandering]

Tuesday

And in the morning I’ll wash off the weekend tattoos Crude drawings on skin, born from idle hands and open hours The time moves at its own pace in this world Ebbing and flowing differently, enjoying rest in solidarity Loosening the grip on my day

The jeans will come on, the shirt from the corner of the room The jacket with the holes and the backpack that matches The time will wake up too, pushing and pulling Vocal and authoritarian Aging away the weekend And my weekend tattoos

[cainwandering]

“Sink in the abyss: my display of brutal art”

-MIKE

[cainwandering]

Silence

Silence silence Abstract, But always loud and Messy sprawling Ocean cleaned by sunrise Mountains of recycling World all encompassing

But maybe When soul is pierced The dirty leaks The messy soul The clean ocean

The spirit spills Viscosity of oil The color of tar Tangled, liquified, convoluted, abrasive, angry, sentient

[cainwandering]

The Burn

Did you ever think that maybe I love burn? Or that the hot spike in that sip is just what I needed? Put yourself in my stool Enjoy my scotch Wear my jacket and you’ll quickly feel The hole in the pocket where the wallet fell out And the Marlboros in the other with the baby blue lighter

Trace my footsteps They’ll lead you outside and to the perfect spot on the sidewalk Where the moonlight washes your shadow You’ll pull out the perfect smoke Then take the perfect inhale And quickly understand Why I love the burn

[cainwandering]

firepit(unfinished)

The room was small Four walls filled to the rim with furniture, hardwood and as old as the walls they fill Small lamp missing the shade with a small knob to power the light bulb I slept on the floor to the smell of sentimentality: Turkey in the oven, vegetables prepared to be used and community Alive and abundant, spirit fills the house, community

In the morning we congregate Loud and hearty, healthy and growing, akin to a fire I trade my selfish hedonism for a role and shed my outer individual I join community and it is so warm Surrounded by the heat we enjoy feast

[cainwandering]

I

Left food out for the roaches

Left my jeans to dry in grease

Wrinkled uniform in a raf simons backpack

Everything is on the bed

But there I lie my head

My room

My room

[cainwandering]

untitled(11/12/23)

Scramble all the messages Static in the receiver Tower of Babel? All to say- Hard to understand

Spilled ideas, feverish pace Urgency reigns this land Uninspired Amateur

So when you look inside Its all symbols

[cainwandering]

Dark

And so how does it feel now? In the quiet and dark The lonely the silent The red, orange, violet

And what will you do now? In the shoebox room Fluorescent lights Yellowed walls

Sort it out Choose a ritual Mourn the seconds passing Cry, and then stop crying

[cainwandering]

Weight

Heavy like my chest

Like the dreads on my head,

The t shirt on my back with the hole in the collar

And my heavy like my headphones

Pressing my ears, holding my head tight

And my jeans with the cuffs that are too big

It weighs me until I can feel it and feel everything. I can feel the water in the air like a giant pool and everywhere I step I will step on something sentimental. The 4 walls close in on me as I reach for the ceiling. Instinct, as my mind offers opposing ideas. Heavy like my head. Heavy like my body and soul.