cainkaye

[cainkaye]

June 17 2022

I am so proud of you.

I am proud that you are still here, despite all the difficulties you may have faced from outside and in.

I am proud that you get out of bed and take care of yourself, even on the days when it's hard.

I am proud of your failures - how much you have learned from them and how much you have grown. Failure is a part of life and it is when you fail that you learn the most. Don't let failure stop you.

I am proud of your achievements, the things you always planned to do and the things that you didn't, big and small. Your achievements are special and valid - and it doesn't matter what anybody else's achievements are in comparison because their achievements do not invalidate yours.

[cainkaye]

Like everyone reading this, I’ve faced some intense situations where I desperately needed the Lord to make a way. Moments when I was down and out with no clear sense of how things would turn out or if it would work out at all. But God! He is faithful and He has ALWAYS come through! He’s made ways when there literally was no other way.

Now, as I go through this new season of waiting, where my faith is being tested and stretched once again, instead of worrying and wondering, I set my mind on the promises of God. I remember what God has done and thank and praise Him for how He brought me through and made a way in EVERY season I previously went through. And I’ll be honest, most of those situations didn’t work out how I wanted or imagined they would, but He made it work for my good and His glory. And in every single situation, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of God’s character, His awesomeness and His faithfulness even in the midst of my unfaithfulness and wavering trust. Truth is, His promises are never failing. He is the solid rock we stand on; All other ground is sinking sand.

[cainkaye]

I consider myself fortunate to have been raised in an affluent family yet humble. My mother hails from a farming background, and I take great pride in being the granddaughter of my grandparents. As a child, I used to wake up at 5 a.m. to deliver their breakfast, giving me the opportunity to interact with other farmers and even try my hand at farming. I must say, it was quite challenging to grow rice (palay) successfully. I was only 8 years old at the time, and although my father, being a city boy lol, would get upset when he found out about our dirty clothes, my mother wasn't strict about it. I genuinely enjoyed the simplicity and modesty of that lifestyle. I even ventured into selling barbecue, pancit, and halo-halo.

I never resented my mother for allowing us to experience the hardships of life. During my college years, she would provide us with only 20.00. Just imagine, 20.00. That's why I developed well-toned leg muscles from climbing the stairs at SLU every day. 😎 During vacations, I worked at my aunt's business to earn money. One of my fondest memories was when I’ve got a line of 7 grade for Draw100 because my parents refused to buy me a new set of technical pens.

We also faced financial difficulties in our family. My father had to return to Ph, and due to his age and medical condition, it was challenging for him to find employment. I was known as the most laid-back among the Marpuri siblings, the girl who participated in beauty pageants and ballroom dancing, not particularly focused on academics. I already know I am intelligent and I do not need to prove anything. Lol 😌 My two older siblings were already in college, so someone had to put their education on hold. My older brother was in his fourth year at that time, and my sister was a student at UP, so her tuition was never a concern. The idea of coming to a halt filled me with fear, but I had no other option.

Fortunately, my tito and mother came up with Plan B. My mother needed to assist my grandmother in Japan with her business. Unfortunately, my father passed away in La Union due to a heart attack. We hadn't seen him for two months. Although my mother wanted to return to the Philippines, we had to use the money for my father's funeral expenses instead of purchasing her a plane ticket.

Life was a blend of hardships and beauty. My mom embodies the essence of womanhood and serves as my ultimate inspiration in life. She never asked us for anything. So we are doing anything for Tanya now, my dad’s beloved daughter, we are committed to fulfilling any wishes or desires that our dad had for her.

[cainkaye]

Joy,

Sorry for the times that you felt like I shut you off by not telling you what’s going on in my life. You are not doing anything wrong.

Thanks for always praying for me to drive home safely. I now have the courage to close the chapters in my life that bring me so much pain. Thank you for not giving up on me. I know how worried you were when Papa died, and you’ve been blaming yourself for not being there to comfort me. Please know that you’ve done enough.

If I had a chance to live again, I would want to visit you in New York and experience the best bar hopping the city has to offer.

[cainkaye]

Uncle Fil,

If I had a chance to live again, I would be your best travel buddy ever, even with our small fights when one of us gets lost in the subway. I’m going to join Miss Villasis for you.

Tita Jocelyn,

If I had a chance to live again, I would really be the best Ate for Brylle and spoil him every day.

Tita Mary Ann,

If I had a chance to live again, I would let you borrow all my clothes if you wanted to.

[cainkaye]

Troy,

Thank you for believing in me, when I didn’t believe in myself. You pushed me to choose life again even though I know it wasn’t easy for you and thanks for doing that.

I never expected you to be this grounded to your family and friends and I know your Papa is proud of what you’ve become.

Yes, please, mas mahalin mo at tulungan mo ang mga taong nakapaligid sayo because you are so capable of doing so. You have so much potential, and I believe in you too, Troy.

If I could live again, I’d want to watch you live happily. I’ll always silently support you and wish you well.

Sorry for over a million times, and thank you for saving me and for keeping me reminded of my greatest why.

Philippians 4:6-7 - because you’ve been so anxious lately and I know that you worry a lot

I will always pray for you. I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me.

[cainkaye]

Ate Trisha, Tanya,

If I had a chance to live again, I would go to concerts with you, read books, and find authentic restaurants. I will be the best Ate for Tanya and support her in her dream school.

Kuya Ayan,

If I had a chance to live again, tara dota? Lol. Yep, let’s buy our own cars.

Mj,

If I had a chance to live again, ag sangit ta all night and start our ramen business

Hazel,

If I had a chance to live again, I’ll be your guide on your IE journey

Brylle,

If I had a chance to live again, I’m never going to call you Uncle Jojo . I have a McDo surprise on 5th

Mico,

If I had a chance to live again, I’ll be your best tutor

[cainkaye]

Nanay and Tatay,

I will never forget the way you treated me like I was your own child when I was away from my parents. I will always cherish the memories of our late night teleserye marathons, secret pabaon, farm tour, paglinis ng isda, and even the simple pag yabang of your apos from your co senior citizens.

If I had a chance to live again, ipaaramid ko pay dyay balay yo, wen? Nu bday yo itid ko amin nga kwartak haha

[cainkaye]

Pa,

See you?

[cainkaye]

Ma,

I had one wish with the Lord, and it was to go up on stage with you, placing my medal that I worked hard for in 2020.

But then, the pandemic struck. If I had the chance to live again, I would want you to attend my graduation and witness your joy as you watch me in the crowd. I would love to travel with you, take silly pictures, and give you permission to post them on your social media accounts (because we both know I hate seeing my pictures on social media accts unless I posted it haha). I would support you if you chose to love another man, knowing that Papa would also support your decision.

I love you always, in all ways.

[cainkaye]

Hey, I already moved on so PLS STOP

The past months have been a tumultuous rollercoaster ride of emotions. Ironically, just as everything appeared to be improving, reality sets in, reminding you that challenges are an unavoidable part of life.

It started last May, when a girl from my past extended an apology for words uttered three years ago. I was subjected to a barrage of derogatory labels, including "slut," "side chick,” "trophy girl," and "whore." It triggered a relentless cycle of self-doubt and introspection, fostering the hope that the long-awaited closure would finally be within reach.

However, another girl had yet to become one of my so-called haters. She continuously posted derogatory words, even name-dropping me in her posts and blatantly assuming that I had not moved on from an ex. It was a constant struggle to explain to people that I was staying single by choice, not because I had not moved on. The toll on my mental well-being was undeniable, and once again, I found myself embroiled in an internal struggle against my own demons.

I constantly remind myself to approach situations with maturity, yet doubts occasionally surface. For how long must I remain silent? Is it not reasonable to request that others lend me their ears, if only once? Is it truly wrong to express my truth? These questions arise due to the recurring loss of trusted individuals in my life, and the pain I experience when they turn their backs on me.

I decided to message Gab, hoping that he could mediate the situation. I have never posted anything about my love life or exposed him for his actions. It was foolish of me to defend his name despite what happened between us. I simply wanted him to take responsibility for his actions. However, he remains a boy who relies on his girlfriends to be his "hero" and refuses to communicate with me in a respectful manner.

Gab, we are both aware of your actions towards me. You

- took a picture of me naked without my consent

- Assaulted me physically when I refused to engage in sexual activity with you

- fabricated a false narrative that I was “chasing” you when in reality, it was the other way around.

- I have never demanded repayment of the money you owe me, but Char insisted on it

- Have been persistently monitoring my mother's profile on social media

- Even denied my identity to Mirzi.

We were all victims of your actions, Gab, and I hold Char accountable for her audacity in claiming that I willingly became your side chick. We both know that is not true.

Char, I have never harbored any hatred towards you, but your incessant stalking, posting, and public defense of Gab's reputation as his so-called protector have turned me against you. We are different individuals, and I refuse to play the role of the side chick who ultimately triumphs. If you genuinely cared for Mirzi, you would have never crossed that boundary. The world doesn’t revolve around you, particularly my world. I’ve met guys that are way better than Gab. That trash(?) sayong sayo lang. At ako nga ba ang pavictim sating dalawa?

Mirzi, I extend my sincerest apologies for any indirect pain I may have caused you, and I genuinely wish you happiness. Thanks for believing in me. 🙂