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[cagetheaussies]

I know others have posted their interpretations of the photos each of the boys chose for their memorials to Liam... I'm going to share mine too. These photos are freeze-frame insights into each relationship, but even more, into each person, and where they hold Liam inside themselves. That is so powerful to me.

Niall's photo preserves him and Liam as boys -- happy, playful puppies who literally have each other's backs. They're still just starting out, not yet massive stars, excited for the ride they're on. It's a joyful photo of kids who haven't learned yet that the world will hurt you. They're mirroring each other's emotions, which indicates that they're connected emotionally, and the picture is a backstage/offstage photo, not a performance, which again reinforces its personal nature. It strikes me that Liam is being careful to keep his forearm low, across the top of Niall's chest, making sure it's not near his throat where he might feel choked. Liam is behind Niall and he is the one doing the embracing.

In the photo Louis identifies as exemplifying his relationship with Liam, they're in the midst of one of the famous onstage water (Gatorade) fights. It is peak onstage energy -- they are cranked up to 11, higher on adrenaline and dopamine than any drug could ever get them. The Gatorade is showering down on them and looks almost like fireworks, reemphasizing the incredible energy, the massive high of this moment. Every line of their faces and bodies is a mirror image, suggesting strongly that Louis sees and has always seen himself reflected in Liam. They're not merely brothers; they're twins. In this moment, they stand face to face, both of them with victoriously raised arms, both equally victorious -- no one is losing here; neither of them are experiencing loss or grief, just pure joy.

Louis's original cover photo shows him wearing that mischievous, foxlike smirk and Liam leaning in, perhaps singing a line as if he's singing it to Louis. The performance element reinforces Louis's message when he talks about having hoped they would share the stage again. I wonder if the line Liam is singing is in a song they co-wrote. Liam is looking directly at Louis even though he's only seeing the side of his face, but Louis's eyes are closed and he can't see Liam. I have to wonder if there is a psychological "tell" there -- if Louis feels like he had his eyes closed to the extent of where Liam was in terms of his emotional health. Again it is Liam who is doing the embracing.

Zayn's photo is as intimate as any photo I think I've ever seen. This is entirely offstage, obviously -- two exhausted young men, each a pillow for the other as they catch a few desperately-needed moments of sleep as they travel. Zayn is cradled on three sides by Liam's sheltering body and he holds Liam's knee for even more support. This is not a physical position you put yourself into unless you implicitly trust the other person. Liam's head rests awkwardly on Zayn's shoulder -- he is just as exhausted as Zayn, but won't let his own need for sleep disturb the comfort and security of his friend. Because they're both wearing grey hoodies, it's hard to tell whose limbs are whose, again indicating the strength of the connection between these two people. Though Zayn's words make reference to the fracture in their relationship that came to pass, the picture he chose is one that emphasizes their connection, the powerful sense of support that Zayn felt from Liam, and an aspect of their shared experience that hints at what made it ultimately intolerable for Zayn... and, as we now know, for Liam too.

Though all of them break my heart, Harry's photo breaks my heart in a different way. It's an onstage photo again, suggesting that Harry, like Louis, felt the most connected to Liam when they shared the stage. But whereas Louis's pictures emphasize the two boys' shared experience, Harry's is the only one that he himself is not in (as several people have noted, some of them ungraciously and even cruelly). Harry has erased himself. We've seen him do this, or try to do it, in many other ways when it comes to other people's performances (I'm thinking of Stevie and Niall in particular), so in part this is simply Harry being Harry: he always did use his camera as a diary of what he observed, and he recorded what moved him. In that way, this photo is intensely personal -- it's the only one that makes the viewer see Liam literally through Harry's own eyes. But the physical distance between the photographer and the subject, and the photographer's absence from the photo, both suggest a concomitant emotional distance between them. This is striking to me, because I think most Directioners understand that Liam struggled a lot with jealousy of Harry in particular -- with feeling that Harry was given the center stage, made the golden boy, even though Liam was the more experienced performer and arguably had the better voice (not to my mind, but no matter). Harry's photo gives Liam what Liam wanted but may have felt he was denied, specifically by Harry: it puts him dead center, alone in the spotlights, in front of a stadium filled with fans screaming for him. The joy and energy of the crowd can only be coming from Liam, because in Harry's photo Liam is the only one there. Harry himself is not just several feet behind him, he's completely invisible. Liam is seated confidently on a narrow and vertiginous catwalk. He doesn't fall.

[cagetheaussies]

[cagetheaussies]

onedirection: We're completely devastated by the news of Liam's passing. In time, and when everyone is able to, there will be more to say. But for now, we will take some time to grieve and process the loss of our brother, who we loved dearly. The memories we shared with him will be treasured forever. For now, our thoughts are with his family, his friends, and the fans who loved him alongside us. We will miss him terribly. We love you Liam. Louis, Zayn, Niall and Harry

[cagetheaussies]

the fact that the first time zayn has been included in a 1d official sign off in almost 10 years was in a tribute to liam mourning his death… i havent known a moment of peace

[cagetheaussies]

❤️

[cagetheaussies]

15 year old me would’ve lost her shit and I’m just. Here. And I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know how to feel. One Direction was quite literally everything to me for my middle and high school years and knowing that it will never ever be the same now is shocking. Waking up to the news that one of the boys I was so obsessed with is just gone is shocking. And while I mourn the person Liam was and what he meant to me during those years, I also just don’t know how to, to grieve? To be upset? I just feel kinda numb tbh. I don’t quite believe it yet

[cagetheaussies]

I’ve been trying to put my feelings into words because this is so hard and I feel like all us directioners are struggling with this, so here I go:

I have been feeling so much and absolutely nothing since I heard the news of Liam’s passing last night.

The man he had become and his problematic actions should in no way be ignored or swept under the rug now that he’s gone. The Liam we last saw was the product of a soul broken by avaricious hands, one that never had the time or space to mend properly.

And although the Liam we last saw may not have been the same one we grew up with, loved and found comfort in, the boy who did represent all of that was at his core.

It impossible to mourn the sixteen year old boy with a big dream without the heart cracking for the 31 year old father that grew from it as well. This was one person.

Cruelty, to many of us, is unfathomable. There are plenty of theories about cruel people in this world, and whether they have always been like this or only became so when their environment changed accordingly.

I think that is mainly devastating for most of us fans: we knew he wasn’t always like this.

We saw that teenage boy, we heard his laughter and felt his voice touch our hearts and make a mark on it. And that’s twisted, right? Because it’s the same person, with the same laughter and the same voice and that mark on your heart does burn when you hear his voice, but it’s not the same anymore.

How do you mourn that?

I am honestly very lost in my feelings, but the sense of community, the feeling of being understood, it’s stronger than ever right now in our fandom. We are all confused and hurt and trying to make sense of this, and no matter what, it is good to have each other right now.

That’s all. This post didn’t really have a purpose, I just wanted to write down how I feel because it’s how I cope best with these sorts of things.

All the love❤️

[cagetheaussies]

I loved One Direction and will continue to have love for One Direction until the day I die— it was just that deep. Each one of those boys held a special place in my heart at different times in my life when I needed them most. The absolute joy they brought to me and to so many others is immeasurable; as is the pain and sorrow I now feel to know that Liam is gone. In such a horrific way. Far too soon. I am heartbroken at the thought of his death… of his final moments. At the thought of his family’s pain. Of Bear’s. Of the boy’s. It may seem silly to some to be deeply affected by the death of a celebrity, but I know if you are reading this you will understand. It is a gift to care so deeply that you can love someone you have never met; and in turn grieve for them as well. I do not know what comes after life, but I hope that Liam is at peace. That this outpouring of love for him can somehow be felt. This is an immense tragedy. I still cannot believe it is real.

Rest in peace, Liam Payne 💔🕊️

[cagetheaussies]

what really gets me, after the initial shock, is the fact that what i remember as a group of bright eyed, over ambitious kids are now grown adults who are able to navigate the complexity of this situation.

we not only grew up with the boys, but we grew up with each other.

a lot of us have careers, families, a whole life far detached from the one we used to dedicate to a group of five boys (and their families, hairstylist, bodyguards… even a pigeon). and in one moment, simultaneously and instantly, all those memories came pouring and flooding back.

we grew up, but we never left

[cagetheaussies]

My heart is in pieces...💔

[cagetheaussies]

Sometimes bad people make good shit. But it was before they were bad. And that good shit becomes a part of you. It may have even been your childhood once.

You shouldn’t feel bad for once supporting or loving a person who became bad. You didn’t know. And how could you? Can you see the future?

Sometimes people make good shit. And then in the future they mess up.

You do the best you can with information you have.

That’s all we can ask of you.

[cagetheaussies]

One Direction brought me to this hellsite and as much as sometimes I truly do not like it here, this place is still what I’d consider a safe space for me because it’s filled with people who just get it, when it comes to the boys and tonight I’ve seen people back on my dash I haven’t seen in months because when news like this hits this is still the main place we come to for comfort and to feel free to let out our emotions without having to explain ourselves because we all just get it.

[cagetheaussies]

a post from the official 1d account four years after their last one wasn’t supposed to be a grief statement about one of the members dying. what the fuck! and they included zayn! what the fuck you guys how are we doing this

[cagetheaussies]

Still can’t believe it’s real.

I woke up hoping it was just a nightmare but it was not.

Heartbroken for him, for Bear, for his family and for the boys .

Sending love to all of you 🫂❤️

[cagetheaussies]

zayn using a photo of them as kids is really getting to me. does he still see them like that? i look at some people i’ve been friends with for years and see ourselves as the age we were when we became friends. my mental image is stuck there. this is fucking awful dude

[cagetheaussies]

it's crazy to think that memories you've had for years will just never look or feel the same again. all those memories from 2012 when i first got into 1D, all the concerts, all the songs and the first time hearing those songs, the first time watching music videos, the posts and memes here on tumblr... like none of it will ever feel the same. it'll always be tinged by loss and a degree of emptiness from here on out.

[cagetheaussies]

He’s not wrong