caffeinism404

[caffeinism404]

I truly hope you

Never understand this grief

That rots from inside

[caffeinism404]

December

i barricade myself within myself, eyes open to ward off imminent attackers at night in the form of dreams.

it’s always the same. you and me on the beach and you always leave, leaving me staring at your footprints in the sand.

in the present day, you make this mark on my hand, one letter, to signify your name.

(there’s something starched about it, pressed in the sun, like my mother used to do to my shirts when she’d hang them in the backyard to dry.)

eyes open to watch the sunset and then the sunrise, no sleeping on duty. some days i feel like a tiger, striped back and forth with shame. tiger in remission, pacing around a cage i know was made a long time ago, with pieces of iron i collected in my back pocket, slowly, slowly.

[caffeinism404]

november

in germany they say

“du fehlst mir”

which means “you are missing from me”

and it’s true

you are missing from me

it’s like a a lung cut out from my body

rib broken from the cage

i can’t breathe

you are missing from me

what do i do?

i swallow my heart back down into my stomach

the parties keep going

the bars stay open

the circle keeps turning

[caffeinism404]

post dog apercu

in the gunmetal mind

a sonorous basso says lousy fink bastard

the cynical yawn is contagious

glum on the download

syncing with a cynic can be bleak

statistically

unlike the optimist

the gig ends sooner on a sad model

trust is for suckers they say

in the third century b c

this movement flourished

ok

so faith took a beating

decades ago

sunk like a river stone

what we need is awe

the epic unfolding origami telescope

that looks back in time

when the first tribal campfire switched on

so

so

so

far

far

far

from machiavellian musicals

maybe on their deathbed

they think

people are wonderful

a life of negative bias

ending with an incandescent full stop

the tiny human

in their cloud brightening

geo engineering parasol in space

the tiny human

a tower of walking salt

badly hinged

a pub raffle scotch bottle

tilting in its own drunken cradle

sunset the stylus

refuses to let go

gets into a staring competition with the skeptics

panning for hope

now we’re getting brighter

swaps wisdom from a borrowed brogue

everleigh the postcard made it late

turned it into night

turned it into a haruspex universe

& the stars

I saw omens in their entrails

impound under the overpass

I’m a car

barking its alarm like an orphan

find the humans

ninety eight percent wolf

grappling in the margins

they belong to the word for damaged creatures

rise you fever of rays

delicate as walser’s handwriting

make a nebula to mark the occasion

©️david sichler

[caffeinism404]

While we’re on the topic…

you and me’s like

that one documentary with a dozen sea turtles that just hatched crawling their way to the sea

and it’s already clear not a single one—no not even the one you were rooting for,

the underdog, runt of the litter—

is going to make it.

like knocking your glass over at the bar, (everyone groans) ,

like every door that closed forever from one imperceptible gesture,

over before it even began.

[caffeinism404]

October again

the vase shatters, one million puzzle pieces,

everything ends.

you looked at me once the way someone looks at the horizon, eyes narrowed, hand up to shield from the sun.

you don’t look at me at all anymore.

well, i could never picture it, you seeing my photo on the wall and thinking:

“yes”.

thinking: “this is the person, out of all other people, i’d want to be trapped on a desert island with.”

so maybe it’s for the best.

[caffeinism404]

Astor Place, 9pm

looking at me sidelong, knocking his arms into mine, he says he wants to be just like me one day

i say nothing, i walk further ahead and count the window panels in the apartments above us.

i’m thinking.

you could die driving on the I-90 in a thunderstorm or drown in a grain silo. you could die out on the street at 8am and then one day even the deepest grooves of your existence will be worn out of the pavement.

short silence, then the curtain drops

what i mean to say is, i look into his eyes and i only see futures

what i mean to say is, i’m tired.

[caffeinism404]

aftermath

i hide out for days and chew endless basil leaves but it’s never going to be the same!

and furthermore it’s bitter.

don’t let me forget this:

your involuntary gasp when you saw the caravaggio.

you held my hand and complained about the heat

said that i was giving you hives.

and that dawning of frustration in your eyes every time i didn’t understand what you had said.

i’m sorry!

i’m sorry!

let’s circumvent natural migration patterns and head north this fall;

to nip these issues in the bud,

and to appreciate the rain in remembrance of those awful (so dry! so empty!) florentine midnights

[caffeinism404]

with you, on the street, rooftop, train, and highway…

i can’t help but wonder: what’s the best way to connect land and sky?

both painters and lovers tell me wet on wet-i’m not so sure i’m convinced.

your lips on my neck, i’m not so sure what to make of it.

touch my forehead, feel the insanity rooted deep in my genes, passed down from myriad diseases branches. it bucks and shakes, it’s like

hot rubber on hot tarmac oozing all the way down I-90, 200 miles-per-hour-screaming-california-i swear-to-god-and-the-cops-never-seen-a-thing

hm.

you pull me into you and i try to kill the blistering elation your tenderness evokes. didn’t i cry out “im not meeting you on that shore”?

my ego ignores my own declarations. i can’t help it. my confidence a faux prewar façade, oh, i confess it to myself under the cover of night and beer,

i want to be cared for so badly.

i can’t help it, for you i fold into myself,

small enough to fit into your wallet or pocket. flat enough to slide in with your kroger points card. conveniently camouflaged, or easily misplaced.

well, so what? if this is defeat, where is that final howl? my lungs feel weak and you’d never hear me over the engine beneath us. can i tap your shoulder instead? will you recognize that last vestige of spirit in my touch, hugely arrogant like the roar of blue-dawn yanks in days gone by?

before i work up the nerve to ask, it splinters, and oh, there it goes.

gone in the tailwind.

[caffeinism404]

The Trip Back

oh the betrayal

my eyes must have shown on that horrible morning, when i woke you up.

leonine March outside the window, unflinching downpour, did not drown out the leering desperation i prayed would not creep into my voice.

i left alone, little storm cloud, bottled and stoppered and rolling quickly down church ave.

then later, on the bus,

i’m red-hot and fuming up ocean pkwy. how can i not wrestle with it? you bruised my body and my ego, face contorted as with acid or rage, or heartbreak.

in battery park i clattered down and out and turned myself homewards.

staring into the eyes of ten thousand fatigued commuters too tired to care or notice i swallowed tears and cried out instead:

i will not look backwards i am on the express track now

i don’t care do not come near me

i bite

i am not the brooklyn bridge or the carey tunnel nothing between us connects and even if it did i am not meeting you on that shore.

then, the 4 to union sq tosses me to and fro, salad spinner journey. my body is sea glass in the ocean. i tumble out on 1st, all smoothed over. okay.

okay. i make up my mind:

i am grateful to have known warm toast with butter and slices of dried orange, so holy, so devoted.

and i am grateful to have known you.

[caffeinism404]

27HR Stand

about your door you said "do not ring, it does not function.: i said "i'd never met a button i didn't want to push."

i said "i think i got turned around at sherbrooke." you said "silly girl."

i said "it makes me nervous when people disappear" you said "i did not disappear, i am right where you left me"

and i realize you're right. am i a rabbit running rampant for greener pastures?

but oh there is still life inside of me it kicks like a child it screams in protest it spurts like the orange i observed (on the 747, strange 4:00AM ritual) when the man tries his best to tear through the peel

I watch him from across the bus-he's unsuccessful for three whole stops.

then, finally, a victory. pith and peel give way to flesh, he looks relieved.

[caffeinism404]

& I am doing dishes

Taking showers, hanging

Fairy lights with shaky hands

I hold my harried heart so soft

There is a me that never learned

The way the way out of the

Shadows, I hold her hand—

I let her hold the flashlight

We learn the beauty etched

Inside the bones of survival

We settle in like hyacinths

Waiting for the sun

[caffeinism404]

Bettanu: Autumnbound

September creeps in As the summer’s wearing thin A new season’s found Early comes the dark As I wander through the park Leaves upon the ground Watch the hands of time As they ring the bells that chime We are autumnbound - SMP 🍂

[caffeinism404]

open letter for N.

it’s not love

but my heart skips a beat

at recognition

i watch your

lips (perfect, electric)

as you smile at me

how entwined

my heart and second heart

find themselves

[caffeinism404]

wrap around

i was dead but that was then

and now is only here and i

am less than lonely hoping

only just to see what it's about

i thought of endings

-

-

but that's a memory

i crawled on hands and knees

and strained my easygoing nature out

i suffered boldly hoping i'd be holding

something better now

oh how i love these

-

-

unforeseen bendings

my life a river left to shiver

in the dark but here you are

my star so bright inviting heart to

start up laughing, dance, and shout

i know you love me

-

-

let me be something

i never faded never hated never taken it away

you never jaded never strayed it's lame to say it but

you saved,

and then you found me

-

-

STAND UP NOW AND WRAP YOUR

LITTLE LOVING ARMS AROUND ME

don't let me be the only one

don't let me be the only one

don't let me be the only one

-

you would save

don't make that awful mistake

just let it wreck you and break

your mind, your heart, and your spine

i think we need this disease

to ever wake up in time

i think we need to relate

don't let it waste it away

don't let it break up all your

dreams, lover

peace, lover

-

wrap around my insides

discover

[caffeinism404]

October

i saw you!

and let me be the first to ask: what were you doing flitting around the Prospect Park trails?

when i found you again it reminded me how much we both had changed.

i wanted to be your berlin wall but you kept biting until i bled and i bled and i bled…

i think i bled out.

when will i stop chasing?

munich? prague? london? new york?

you evade me at every turn and i keep reaching

[caffeinism404]

July

bare my teeth at you bare my heart at you

it reminds me that i’m looking for you again

missing poster stapled to my face to become the lamppost’s uglier friend

where are you, perennial wonder? i was in awe of your boughs and arches, tea green tree leaves and i don’t know the color of your eyes