cadgedinlife-blog

[cadgedinlife-blog]

So me :( I'm sorry bad day

sometimes i feel like my eating disorder isn’t even real and that i’m wannarexic because i eat around 1200 cals a day and it seems like most people restrict way more. Idk.

[cadgedinlife-blog]

Why can’t I just eat like a normal person? Why does it has to be “eat until I feel my stomach is about to explote” or not eat at all? Why do I have to feel guilty after I binge or glorious after I fast? Why can’t I just eat like everybody else and don’t feel anything?

[cadgedinlife-blog]

wish I was one of those people who don’t even notice when they skip meals, they’re just like “wow I haven’t eaten since this morning?? I’m not even hungry!!”

instead I’m constantly screaming at myself like “KEEP IT TOGETHER BITCH IT ISNT EVEN NOON”

[cadgedinlife-blog]

Just been called a mong for being asexual - _- that's great.

[cadgedinlife-blog]

If you know what these mean yes I'm still clean I'm just full to breaking with depressive destructive thoughts it aches my skin burns I wanna bleed but I know I feel worse when I do. I know if I harm ill be worse then I do now. So I won't I need to fight for tomorrow I need to stay strong reaching for a blade right now is not strong and is simply stupid I can't but I want to :( I'm sorry I won't not yet but I want to

[cadgedinlife-blog]

[cadgedinlife-blog]

Fighting to stay ; wanting to leave.

Choosing to stay;

When I want to give up.

Choosing to continue strong ; even though everything hurts and is falling apart

[cadgedinlife-blog]

I don't think I have the energy to put up a face today and be "ok" I'm exhausted I'm drained I wanna go back to bed. I can't eat my body aches but Alex is loud I'm stuck in the battle of listing to him playing his game or eating and doing what's "right" I don't know how it's ok whefbn it hurts to help land makes me feel like a failure. But oh well I said I'd recover so I'm trying to.

Every thought In my head is self hate and harm and destruction. I wanna end it leave but I know I need to stay I have to I can't just run from my head it's running with me. So I have to stay have to fight but I can't find the strength I'm tired of feeling weak defenceless and tired..

I'm tired of everything I'm sorry Im fighting I will fight I need to fight I have yo be strong for all of you to keep you all safe your not ment to see me like this.. I'm weak exposed and breaking down completely I'm sorry please don't leave me....

I'm sorry you had to deal with me yesterday I'm sorry I panicked and cried I'm sorry I couldn't control it and be ok I'm sorry I ended up mute for no real reason my head just shut it off and I feel the same now It hurts to talk I don't want to... Please I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm scared this probably won't fade but I'm losing control my heads a mess and I'm tired I'm sorry

[cadgedinlife-blog]

I look through yoye scouts it's already to me I know you've been fighting I'm proud that you have I'm sorry its me your fighting for but thank god there's someone you will. I'm scared behond belief that I'm ghknan wake up without you and my god brother please don't leave I care too much I stress out of care I'm glad you spoke finally and got some help I hope to see you today but if not ill be ok. Try not to worry about me brother ill be fine I sware

[cadgedinlife-blog]

Finally

WANT YOU BACK // COMING 23.02.18

[cadgedinlife-blog]

Sometimes I get so sad the happy songs help they handwriting won’t shrink the smile won’t form but the tears stil L fall sometimes I get so sad I’m left in a state of falce happy by the end of the day when I’m sat here feeling nothing but an ache and a phantom tight hand around my throat I can’t breath csnt think csnt talk but I’m whispering helo me please... Sometimes your heard sometimes your not I don't know anymore

[cadgedinlife-blog]

I can't stop counting the hours in a fast hours I need clear I csnt stop I need to and I can't I'm a mess save me please

[cadgedinlife-blog]

I'm sorry

For what?

Everything my life existstance the way I am act how I talk react to things I'm sorry Im transgender I'm sorry Im not ok I'm sorry I keep breaking down and doing stupid things I'm sorry Im not ok and I'm sorry Im trying to hide it om sorry I don't want talk anymore im sorry Im such a shitty selfish horrible brother I'm sorry I hurt you and make u shut off om sorry I don't ever do anything to help you I'm sorry I made things worse and I'm sorry I cried and made you feel bad I'm sorry that yet again you've probably hurt yourself over soemthing to do with me and I'm sorry you feel you deserve it you don't I'm sorry I shouldn't be such an ass I should be like this I'm ment to be ok I'm sorry fren.

You don't have ti stay I know om a crappy brother and best friend I know I'm shit and hypocritical I understand if you don't wanna be my friend anymore and wanna leave I get it I'm sorry if you do. But remember I won't forget you never can I'm just sorry for how I am.

I'm sorry yoyr hurting and om sorry I'm ruining your life.

Just please please if your going to leave one last conversation in person one last hug and one last goodbye I'm sorry

[cadgedinlife-blog]

I can't talk today it kills me too much to here this pitch Im sorry

[cadgedinlife-blog]

Why the fuck did I eat

Breakfast

Like why I feel horrible I could see my ribs coming back and now Im losing them again :'(

Like I wanna be ok but I need to. See bone

I wanna be happy but I dint know what that is anymore

I wanna be able to eat and not feel sick I want a day without the voices in my head screaming I don't deserve this

[cadgedinlife-blog]

I didn't sign up for this

when dsyrophia hits you hard

[cadgedinlife-blog]

By bmi I’m underweight this was discovered by a rough guess from guessed weight(known from last weight) and rough height (I’m around 5"7) but if I was underweight I wouldn’t look like this whale of fat I wouldn’t be like this I hate it I dint feel underweight but apparently I am….. I dint know anymore ☹️

I need to be smaller the good boys don’t eat I need to be good I’m sorry