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[c0zm0]

Replacement plants

I always know when depression is creeping it's way back in. I notice a few weeks before it hits. The leaves on my house plants start turning brown. I only notice a few brown leaves at first, chalking it up to normal house plant loss. I'll forget of them quickly in the day to day bustle, but a week will pass and now there are double as many. This is always when the realization hits of the inevitable wave that's to come crashing over me. I water the plants, give them fertilizer, tell them how beautiful and worthy they are, send healing thoughts. Then I step back and watch as each individual leaf slowly turns brown. I never pull them out though, just watch them unfold and crisp into nothing. I continue on with life until one night I lay on the floor feeling nothing and I look up at the death encompassing the room peering down at me from smooth glazed pots. My chest caves in with each breath, yet I feel nothing. I imagine all those crumpled brown leaves on top of me, so light individually, but the weight compacted is the pressure of a child being pulled from my abdomen. My body is crushing into itself and there's no emotion. Just the numbing heaviness. And I, I want to crumble away as one of those leaves. Turn to ungraspable ash. I told my first husband about this plant death omen. He laughed. He said I probably just stopped paying attention to them the more depressed I got and it surely wasn’t a warning. Deep inside myself I know the truth is that they can hear the small thoughts in the back of my head before I do. They're reacting before I'm even acknowledging. So I start slowly pulling the leaves from the vines, from the stalks. I set their death in a pile on the wooden floorboards. Starting slowly, direct snips and pulls at each brown leaf, moving from plant to plant. I'm not sure if it's sadness or anger that takes over, maybe just impatience, but precise action turns to yanking and pulling and grabbing the green along with the bad. When it's done I look at my mess covered floor. I pick up the leaves crushing them inside my palms as I release the remains into a black bag. Not all the plants will live through this repeated cycle. I often find I lose my favorite ones this way. Afterwards I'll go to the greenhouse down the street and buy replacement plants, but they never fit in the same spot just as right. Years pass and I'm swallowed with not right replacement plants. Not right replacement feelings.

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Little mouse

I wake up, startled. The sound of glass breaking shoots off from the kitchen. My first instinct is to crawl under the bed, or lock myself in the bathroom. Instead I decide on bravery. I grab the tv remote from my nightstand.. I could throw it at someone's head and that would give me a few seconds to assess the situation and fight or flee. I tiptoe across the cold wooden floor holding the remote up ready to throw. I step into the kitchen and flick the light switch on, my heart racing. Nothing. I walk around the island, still on edge. The wood floor board squeaks beneath the weight of my body, I stand perfectly still. Nothing. Then I see the broken glass in the sink and it's assailant next to it. A little brown mouse, scurrying from side to side over the broken wine glass's pieces. The poor thing can't jump out. My muscles relax and I open the cupboard to grab a plastic Tupperware bowl and lid. I put it over the mouse and slide the lid underneath, gently scooping her up. I hold the container up to my face and look into it's beady, terrified eyes. Walking across the kitchen and sliding open the back door I step out into the darkness. It's warm outside, but the breeze sends goosebumps down my arms. I walk across the yard past the garden to the edge where the lawn meets forest and towering trees engulf everything. I set the container on the ground and slide the lid off. The little mouse jumps out and scampers off under some leaf litter. He will probably move back into the house before winter, returning to his permanent comfortable residence, and I don't blame him. I wonder if I am the mouse? Is there some hidden life meaning in this middle of the night nuisance? Is every single moment really a lesson if we look hard enough? The mouse was scurrying along, just an average night, no different from the rest, when a crash shatters all you know. Suddenly stuck in hole with slippery edges, no escape in sight. Just running around, getting cut on all the pieces. Will I be so lucky as to be saved? Will someone be so kind as to grab my hand and pull me to safety? Perhaps a cat will come along first and ill be a plaything before it's finally over. Perhaps what I think is kindness to the mouse is really nothing more than The wind picks up and I realize I've been standing there gazing off into the woods for who knows how long. Comparing myself, my life, to a mouse. Am I losing my mind too? I turn and run across the yard, sliding the glass door and locking it before I scurry back under the covers in my warm bed.

[c0zm0]

Perfect dosage

Concept: I walk out on the front deck of our yurt nestled in the woods. Goats, chickens, and one giant pig wander around outside the garden fence. I hear the kids laughing as they chase each other through the woods. It rained last night, the grass is wet, the dirt damp. I walk barefoot down the driveway. You're taking groceries out of the back of your black colored truck with rust creeping up the side. I come up behind you sliding my arms around you, up underneath your shirt. My hands feel cool against your warm skin. Your hands are always ice, but your core temperature is always hot. You turn around and scoop me up into your arms and I wrap my legs around you. Letting you completely support my weight. "What are you doing?" I giggle as I push your hair back and kiss your neck. "The groceries can wait" you say as you carry me back inside the house.

[c0zm0]

Unavailable

For some reason I have realized something so obvious it's right in front of my face tonight. I have just realized my entire past relationship pattern. Unavailable men, or guys I shouldn't be with. This is not necessary the "bad boy" complex. It's something totally? different. I always go for what I can't have. Let's throw out some examples now: Cole - Justin's old friend, wouldn't be home when I went to his house, wouldn't call me, etc. Though this may be that he made me feel bad about myself that I just wanted him to want me. My second relationship habit. More recently, Dan. A guy I was on a date withs friend, he lived in Texas. Spencer - another guy who likes me friend, in love with another girl. Mika - just totally emotional in love with his ex. Ryan W- totally emotional unavailable Shaun- lives in Texas, married. Brandon - what the fuck is even going on with him. Totally emotionally unavailable Why do I do this? Ego issue, wanting solidification that I'm good enough that they'll change and want me?

[c0zm0]

m

Michael, the eldest of The Twinkle Brothers. Where do I even begin? I guess his lion hair.   Trail magick and Matt went up ahead and I was supposed to catch up with them at the peak.  As I was moseying my way up I see a young man and an older, late teens boy.  Lion hair on the man, bouncing with each step down the mountainside.  I sat on a rock and was aware they couldn’t see me.. They both moved pretty swiftly and I watched as the floated down the trail.  Once they came around the side of the boulder i was sitting on a rock behind, the lion jumped.  He stopped and took me in. “so uh, you guys smoke?” i asked as his brother came up behind him “yeah yeah definitely, that’d be cool. ill match ya a bowl” We smoked and made trail chit chat. “there’s a swimming hole someone told us about at the bottom of this mountain, i know you’re going the other way but you wanna go for a swim before you head off?” and I did.  TMag and Matt had my gas for my stove and my bag with misc stuff... but this Lion.. I wanted to talk to him more. We went to the swimming hole and the brothers jumped off rocks and washed their clothes, laying them flat on the giant boulders to dry in the sun.  Thomas, the younger brother, swam off in the distance, almost like he knew we wanted space. We swam around in the shallow water and talked about past loves, different parental styles and the affects it lays on you. It was getting late into the evening.. I knew Tmag and Matt would be waiting for me... I knew I had to get my shit back.. But I couldn’t leave him.. There was just this strong chemistry, this magnetic pull.  So I stayed.

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We went to the reservoir to go fishing.  Forgot the poles in the car. You remembered halfway and we agreed to just go for a walk and sit on the bank. The water was clear until our toes slid into the mud. The murky browness shot up around our legs; what was underfoot was no longer visible by sight.  We waded waist deep then leaned slowly into the water to float on our backs.  The water was warm, the air starting to get the cold bite that early September often lured in.  The kind of air that made you sink into the warmness of the water and not want to move. I moved over to you and kissed your lips.  You grabbed my hips and placed me on your lap.  I was weightless floating in the water.  You moved your hand under my shirt up my back. Kissing my neck. The hairs on my arms stood alert to the sensation. People talking and laughing.. Walking towards the head of the worn trail that lead between the pines to the beach we were off the shore of. I stood and started laughing. “Let’s get out of here”, I smiled and looked in his piercing green eyes. “You drive me crazy” he smiled a crooked smile as he tried to grab me before I darted towards the shore. I knew it was coming and ran out of the water, grabbing my shoes. 

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I will never forget that gaze.  It has stayed with me. I would always think on you and where my life would be if I had stayed at the gathering with you.  I wanted to, I felt this insanely strong urge to stay.  Where would we be now? You were so full, so full of this energy I can’t even put my finger on it. Passion? Trust? Brokenness. We said so few words to each other.  It was that silence that captured me. Took a piece of my heart and I gave it to you.  I thought I would get it back someday, here I sit knowing it’s gone forever.  I wonder how many pieces I’ve given out and if how many I’ll ever get back... Or even if it’s possible to get them back at all. I remember when everyone woke up in the morning, laying on blankets and sleeping bags under those blue tarps, next to the river clay barrel oven.  You had your arms around me and every one was like “ohhhhh Dakotas in love”. I turned red and you wouldn’t look me in the eyes. When I was leaving... Totem, Banquet, and Goopa were waiting up the trail for me while I said goodbye to you. You were sitting on a log a little outside of the camp, strumming a guitar lightly, you didn’t smile when I walked down the trail, you just gazed into me.  No one I know will ever know how intense that gaze was. I didn’t say anything to you when I walked up, you put your guitar down and picked a flower, walked to me slowly and put it behind my ear.  We were close, I think both wanting, waiting, expecting to collapse into each other. You looked at the flowers stitched in my long grey dress. I bought it at a goodwill store the same day I met you. Time moved slow, and then faster.  The moment passed, and I knew I had made the choice to leave.  I knew that I had other things waiting for me.  It was a pivotal moment in my life.  He kissed me on the cheek, held his lips there waiting.  ..and I left. I caught up with Totem, Banquet, and Goopa. There were two rainbow guys walking down the muddy trail towards the gathering. They asked us if we smoked, we did.  We stopped and chatted for a bit.  They started telling me to turn around, I giggled and said I couldn’t.  They picked me up over their shoulders and started jogging down the trail to the rainbow gathering.  I was laughing, looking back at Totem, Banquet and Goopa.  They looked confused. As if they didn’t know if they should just keep hiking or chase after and steal me back. I’ve looked back many times at that experience. I ask myself if that was a sign to go that way.  To take that road.  I think of the people I met after that particular day.  How they have been pivotal.  How everything in my fucking life has.  I’ve never been guided to something, its this or that.Sharp corners, long falls, and now is the tough climb.  I sent a disposable camera out a few days ago. I pray for pictures of you to come back to me.

[c0zm0]

death

Dakota died six days ago. It’s tearing me apart.. It comes in waves and it knocks me the fuck out. I feel the sadness in my chest and it is crushing. Engulfing my lungs, my heart, my throat, working upward until there is nothing but a black hole and that the emptiness that overtakes you.  You become a shell. 

[c0zm0]

November 21 2015

some things stick to me. and i cant rub them away. me “i need to see you. I need some kind of closure.  it’s been years but i always go back to you.” “shit.” “I kinda made a thing of not thinking about you” me- “I just feel like you were the one that got away” “you were too. but you have this whole life now.  ive been happy for you” *sometimes i daydream, i cant help it. you were here with me. this was you holding my hand through this life.* "But it's not me."

[c0zm0]

Beach meet and greet.

Walking along the beach.  Away from the bonfire.. Everyone was pretty smashed and I had arrived a little too late.  My roommates and friends were to the point of an annoyance. There was now way I would be able to catch up to their level.  I was pretty stoned and it was a nice enough night out. That was when I met him. Sitting in the sand, smoking a cigarette, caressing his beard.  "Hi" he said watching me. "You okay?" Apparently I was stumbling. "Yeah, fine" I laughed "Can I bum a cig?" He smiled. He didn't give me an answer but I plopped down next to him.  He took out his pack of camel lights and pulled a single out. He put it to his lips, lighting it with the remainder of his own cigarette. Then passed it over to me.  We sat there for awhile in silence. It was kind of awkward, but I couldn't think of anything to say.  "So where are you from?" I asked.  The normal question you ask when you are traveling or living somewhere you don't consider home.  They will answer and it will inevitably revert back to 'where are you from', in which case you tell your story about how you're not from the area, and you will summarize the events that lead you to end up in the current location you're at, talking to the current person you are with.  "Upstate New York, you?" "No shit" I said taking in an inhale of smoke. " I'm from upstate NY too."  He smiled. "Where abouts?" "Near Binghamton". "Ever hear of Walton?" he suddenly turned and was watching me. "Yeah, I am actually from Franklin". Which was 15 minutes down a windy road outside of Walton. "Wow! Small world. What are doing here in Cali?"  "I hitchhiked out here, met some people and have been working at Randy's surf shop down the street for the last few months.  What are youuu doing here?"  "Uhh, my band is on tour.  My friends are sleeping in an RV up in the parking lot." "What? That's awesome! What's the name of your band?" I was in amazement. "Catch 22." "Hmmm... sorry, never heard of them." "Nothing to be sorry about. We're a ska / punk band." he said, as a matter of fact. "So you hitchhiked from Franklin to California?" he was studying me now. "Yeah about 3 months ago.  Took me a few weeks.. Made a couple pit stops...."  I started drawing circles in the sand with my finger. I didn't really enjoy the subject. "By yourself?!", he pressed on. "Uh, yeah.  Had a few.....interesting...experiences, but nothing too serious".  I knew what he was thinking....young girl...where are her parents....etc. "Nuts man." he pulled another cigarette out and offered the pack to me.  I accepted pulling one out and leaning over his lighter.  "I'm not sure if this is too forward, but do you want to have a drink?  I've got a cooler up in the RV with a few beers if you're interested." he looked unsure as to whether or not he had crossed the line. He quickly added, "Not to be weird or anything, I just slept during the drive all day so I'm feeling kinda wired.."  "No, no a beer would be fucking great right now". I smiled. A beer would indeed be great right now. "Be right back" he said as he turned and walked up towards the parking lot.  He was back within a few moments. "Hope pbr's are alright. We like to keep er' on the cheap side".  "Perfect" I replied taking the can from his outstretched hand.  He sat down in the sand next to me, turning to look at me he smiled, "so your hometown is a 15 minutes drive down the road from my hometown". He smiled.

We stayed up all night talking, laughing, and drinking pabst blue ribbons. Which to this day, whenever I drink one, I instantly am brought back to that night on the beach.  He leaned in and kissed me on the lips before the sun started to peak up over the ocean**. Later he would tell me he had nothing to lose since morning was coming and he had a bus to get on.  I figured the dozen PBR's we had polished off were part of the equation.  Two hours after sunrise a guy came out onto the beach and yelled, "Yo man, what are you doing? We gotta get on the road!".  "Gimme a minute!" he yelled up to tall skinny guy with his arms in the air. "I really hope you can make it.  We're staying in San Diego for a four days. I'm going to put you on the guest list for all the shows so don't worry about paying for a ticket. I've gotta see you again." "I can always find you back in New York.  After all, it is home for both of us..".   He looked disappointed.  "Yeah, no doubt. Just try to make it to a show.' He grabbed my hand and squeezed it, pulling more towards him before he kissed me on the lips.  "Man, this blows."  He got up and walked to the parking lot. Turning twice to look back.  I continued to sit on the beach deep in thought. The ground beneath me was feeling more like the ocean and the ocean was looking more like a solid foundation.  This was how I met Ryan.

[c0zm0]

First meeting of Puddles. Rainbow Gathering.

      The first time I saw him I thought to myself, 'eh'.  Actually I'm not sure that's even true.  I;m sure I even considered him.  There were about 3 other potential love interests.  I talked to the guy with whom he was hiking, Gunther Frostbite.  A conversation about potentially blue blazing down the river (name of river). I had a canoe and wanted a friend to tie it to the hood of my wagon and come meet me. I got his friends number with the plan to meet them in a week and hit the river.       A quick thanks to Rob Bird before I got on the road to hitchhike with five new friends (totem, banquet, DA, Goopah, and....?)  We were headed to a rainbow gathering in Vermont. The rainbow gathering: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. Rainbow flag with a rainbow behind it.  Muddy trails with barefoot footprints. Dakota. HIS EYES. big and brown. silent and looking for his soul mate. Sitting on the trail by himself playing guitar. Rubbing his hand on my grey dress, picking flowers and putting them behind my ear. Holding me throughout the night. Nothing.More. Wanting nothing more. crying in my hammock later. DMT.  Brother Bear - left the army. Playing guitar. Sleeping behind the clay stove, taking turns blowing on a pipe to keep the embers alive throughout the night. So many different stories. Wonder. Kissing.  Playing 'that instrument'.  Barter circles.  Missing lovers. Hating war. Big lady, mama figure, flowers painted over her nipples. cannot look away.  cooking delicious food in a river clay oven. Gravity water system for cleaning up. Weighing the option of getting off the AT and traveling to Colorado with the rainbow family. Saying goodbye to Dakota. Guy picking me up over his shoulder as I am walking down the trail telling me I can't leave.  Laughing and wanting to just let him carry me back to the family. Totem and Banquet standing on the trail unsure if they sure grab me or let the man take me away.

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The lean to looked pretty rundown. Rodents, bugs, and who knew what else was lurking between the wooden boards.  Unlike The Brothers I wasn't too keen on having things crawl up my legs at 3am.  Two trees and ten feet from the shelter was where I decided to post up for the night. I looked up through the tree branches above making sure there were no widow makers. No more incidents like in Massachusetts.  Kicked my feet up and leaned into the mesh of my hammock. Ahh. A rustle in the bushes below signaled another hiker coming up the trail.   I peered out and took in the figure of a six foot man. Older, maybe early 40's. NOBO.  He had a thick wood walking stick and his pack looked especially small.  He gave a crooked smile as he leaned down to the spring filling up his nalgene.  A strong stride, the man walked up to my hammock. Letting out a big sigh, he looked me straight in the eyes "and who might you be pretty lady?" "Cozmo" I replied sitting up on the edge of my hammock.  I started to swing. "Ohh, sobo eh?" he tilted his head and grinned. "Oh yeah, it's the way to go."  I responded and he kept grinning at me.  The sun had set by now and you could hear the wildlife waking up.   He seemed to notice too and looked at his pack six feet away. "How 'bout I get a fire going?  You cooking food tonight?" he asked as he walked over and grabbed his pack. "Yeah, that'd be great." I smiled as he threw his pack towards mine.  Weird, I thought as I looked at his especially small pack.  Maybe he's just a weekend hiker.  I brushed it off as I grabbed my dry bag full of food from the bottom of my pack and headed to the front of the lean to.    He got a fire going pretty quickly. I took out some instant noodle packets.  Beef stroganoff.  One of the packets of food still left that I had originally brought. "You have anything good? I have these noodles... It's way too much food for just me....If you want to share...."  I smiled and looked at him. He almost started glowing. He smiled as he said "sure thing girly". We cooked and ate the noodles. Sitting in silence for a good amount of time listening to the noises of the night.  "Hey Cozmo,you know about the secrets of the mountain", he broke the silence. "Hmm, I'm not really sure. What secrets?" "The government's secrets." He was almost standing in his seat.  "They've got cameras in the mountains, ya know?  You type in a location on google earth and it shows it for a split second. Then it disappears!  Says it's unrecognizable. IT DISAPPEARS!' He bellowed. The air on my arms suddenly stood up. "Yeah I hear ya, they don't want you to know...." I responded as I looked down at my feet.  "Wow, it's getting late... I think I'm going o go get ready for bed. It's been a long day. "  I grabbed my plate and stood up. I walked over to my pack where his pack was resting next to. Why hasn't he set up his tent yet?  Why did he put his pack over here? My heart was racing.  It's all in my head. He's just trying to be nice.  I pushed the thoughts outside of my head and grabbed my night clothes. Walking to the outhouse I watched as he put the fire out with water from the spring.  Why isn't he just letting it burnout?  He looked up at me and I smiled as I walked past him.  I was standing in the outhouse pulling my pants up. Shit. I forgot my toothbrush. I finished getting dressed and as I stepped outside. What I saw made a sickening feeling rush over me. He was setting his tent up directly next to mine.  Directly next to mine as in the tent stakes were touching the loose rope from my hammock. What the fuck. I stopped and stared only for a second as he glanced up at me. I smiled and walked up the hill to where 'our' site was now being set up. "Forgot my toothbrush", I said and reached into my pack pulling my goodie bag out.  I skipped back down to the outhouse.  In the goodie bag was my toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, castile soap, and my cellphone.  I pulled my cellphone out and turned it on. No service. Of course no service. I am in the middle of fucking nowhere. Why the hell would I have cell service? What am I going to do? I thought to myself as I held my phone to each corner of the outhouse hoping for a god damn miracle.  But no miracle happened.  I was in the middle of the mountains in the middle of nowhere.  You have to keep calm. I thought.  Stay calm. Think...think... THINK.  Nothing came. I was sweating now.  What if I just stayed in the outhouse? Would he come break down the door?  I wanted to puke.

[c0zm0]

Reblogging so I can access link quickly

Free Yoga!

Everyone is always looking for good online free yoga classes..

Here’s a great link!

www.yogavibes.com

[c0zm0]

the not good enough guy.

'Well you were a magazine, 

I was a plain Jane

Just walking the sidewalks all covered in rain

Love to just get into some of your stories

Me and all of my plain Jane glory

Just me and all of my plain Jane glory'

Big Black Car by  Gregory Alan+Isakov: