bxlea-blog-blog

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Its 5am and I'm wide awake. I don't have to be up for 3 hours really, what with my commute these days being 30 seconds long...It's raining and I don't like the rain when I have to be in it, but I love the sound of the rain when its really quiet. I think I decided to write just now to stop myself from writing somewhere else. In my heart I know that distance is the best decision. I know that its the only decision. When a situation that was solely meant for fun, stops being fun, its time to let it go. What happens is we remember the good so well that we keep thinking we can get back to that. We can't. These are interesting times we're living in, so.many big things to focus on .. our little problems seem irrelevant...

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Also. Whisper has gotten super aggresive...

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Sometimes we think that a clean break would be best. When you don't really want to say goodbye there is no good time or any good approach to it. Sometimes though, we are lucky enough to get a good bye kiss. A last hug, a last stroke of the hair and look in the eyes, and well, what more can a person ask for? Sometimes the words we say don't come close to matching what we're feeling, what we want, but the words are the right course. The actions are the right actions. But knowing this does not make the goodbye any easier. And fighting it is a struggle that sometimes takes your breath away. I changed my mind, I don't want to do this . I want to pick up the phone all the times i feel like just saying hello. I want to tell you about something funny i read or someone said .. i want to ask if you like this song I heard this morning, that I hadn't heard in a long time. i want to show you the new thing I'm working on. (I was up til 1 working on it) I want to tell you today how i think its beautiful out and i can almost feel spring in my bones and that makes me happy and when it rains next week want to complain to you about it. I want to ask how you are feeling ? I want to know if you had a nice weekend... i want to know if you miss me too.....

What's the best way to say goodbye? No, there is no best way when you really don't want to say goodbye at all...

[bxlea-blog-blog]

I once thought that my feelings were so intense they could never simply fizzle out. But everything not nourished dies. I thought we would either go down fighting, in flames or go on until one of us walked away, but neither of those things are happening we are just drifting. It's a lonely feeling, but I guess no lonelier than unrequited love...I'm sad because I know that this is done.

It has been for some time... but something else has happened... i realized. Its going to be okay...

[bxlea-blog-blog]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Universe, i want you to know that she doesn't believe it was just imagination. It was more. She just falls hard and fast, but not often..she knows the difference. It was not about fanciful poems of love and 18th century literature gentlemen comparisons. Those were left long ago. It is how she feels when they talk, uplifted, talented cared about, heard, opinions valued. It is how she feels when they sit together. Peaceful, warm, giddy, complete. It is the passion that's awakened with his words and with his touch.. how could it be so imbalanced ? Hopefully if she feels this again it will be validated, returned....

[bxlea-blog-blog]

So I guess its OK to have a good cry sometimes.  I guess there is a time when a person needs to take a minute and just have a good cry, its cathartic.  You take all those feelings of overwhelming sadness, those really frustrating ones that come from no where you can tell, and allow yourself to just feel your feelings, don’t try to explain them to yourself or anyone else, just allow yourself to feel them and move on. It doesn’t make you weak.  Its just that sometimes, you move about your life, doing everything on auto pilot.  The everyday routines that we should really not take for granted.  we shouldn’t take one single moment of life for granted ever, but we do. sometimes. We forget that sometimes there are valleys, lows and those valleys are just as important as our highs, or they should be.  We need to appreciate the lows because there are lessons there.  So yes sometimes the lows seem to go on for a while and that sucks, but in the midst of it try to hold on,  have your cry, and wait it out. don’t minimize the feelings, they have value.  everything we feel has value, no matter how little sense it seems to make, no matter if we don’t know where the feelings come from.  What we feel is important anyway.  So it’s ok.  live, day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute.  whatever you have to do, and accept it as another beautiful piece to your beautiful puzzle...

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Things I like: When a favorite artist has new music out, and discovering lyrics that speak to my soul or listening to a good song over and over.. Watching my sons enthusiasm when he's talking about something that excites him. Christmas morning. Ginger tea on cold mornings, warming my belly and relaxing me. Warm hugs and soft whispers. Rainbows. Lazy Sunday mornings. that feeling when you wake with a start and then realize you don't have to rush anywhere. sitting in my car quietly and listening to the rain fall around me. Watching snow fall. That 1st spring day its warm enough to drive with the windows down and listen to a good song loudly. The warm breeze and sound of the ocean when your sitting on the beach. Sunrises. The butterflies in your stomach when you kiss the right person .. the look that sometimes makes you feel alive. The touches that electrify you.. i guess i like a lot of things..

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Debbie downer .. proceed with caution

So here it is, new year once again. and once again I'm out of sorts. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate winter. I hate cold weather. I hate that its dark practically at lunch time, that when i leave for work its dark and when I get home its dark... I was reading something about weather driven depression, maybe that's what's wrong with me... who the hell knows...but its also that no matter how much i try not to, i always get swept up in the holidays. See, the beginning of winter is tolerable because everyone is thinking about the holidays.. the city is bright everywhere with twinkling lights and brightly colored Christmas trees in windows..and everyone is happy, or at least 90% of the population is happy. I feel like the holidays are the only time people are stressed out but still happy, channeling that stress in productive and friendly ways. You watch all the holiday movies for the good "feels" you feel hopeful and peaceful like everything is good and right and anything is possible... if you have kids, their excitement rubs off on you, its contagious.. and the traditions !..the food, the gatherings talking about loved ones that have gone but left so many happy holiday memories .. its all too wonderful for me to be depressed.. everyone is different, i know, there are those who are down about the holidays and can't wait for it to be over .. new year, new start, blah blah blah but for me the latter half of winter is almost unbearable..rather than "newness" i feel "sameness" its just drabness without the promise of a magical time.. no twinkling lights, no happy smiling strangers. Perhaps it has nothing at all to do with the holidays, its just the timing... but my friends, my loved ones, my happy self will be back in March or so..my positive self peeks out at times before then, and Ill give it my best shot. All that said, I am ever mindful that I am blessed, and probably shouldn't complain, but for today, well today I want to pout a little ..maybe I'll invest in one of those lux light boxes for some happy light therapy...but until then love me when i need it most and deserve it least ❤

[bxlea-blog-blog]

[bxlea-blog-blog]

A note to my almost lover...

I want so badly to say yes to you. I want so badly to have you in my life again. But I'm the same person I was 6 months ago. I still want all the same things..all those very same things you can't give me...and while I've gotten over the "idea" of you .. doesnt mean Ive gotten over "you" and while I've accepted the reality of what we are. I know that the reality will easily fade again and my emotions will get all wrapped up again..and that's the problem...its always been the problem hasn't it ?

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Its just an organ

My poor friend is going through some stuff : As humans, our hearts always want to make us "feeeel" something.. always wanting something, getting excited about something... and our treacherous minds work together with our traitorous hearts to make us actually believe that if ONLY WE COULD HAVE IT life would be so perfect.. but its not, and it wouldn't be..because that thing or person or situation you think you desire so badly is completely unknown... and the unknown always seems perfect. And then your heart realizes that its impossible and there is a new little crack in it.. but then your mind keeps fighting.. imagining things, rationalizing, bargaining and every time reality hits the brain for a split second.. another crack in the heart, its better to just stop wanting.. "feeeling" it would just be so much easier....just cut out the romantic emotion part of that stupid heart...save it for your children(and other family) and your literary heroes. Respect it for what it is - a life giving organ ONLY. keeps the blood pumping and keeps you alive... if it tries to get involved in other areas like ,, love (gag) tell it to mind its own fucking business and do its job

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Irrational

This isn't normal.

[bxlea-blog-blog]

Beautiful words.. wouldn't it be incredible to have someone feel thos way about you?

[bxlea-blog-blog]

How is it possible that i still miss you ???

[bxlea-blog-blog]

It is actually the only explanation i can think of why a person would still think about another almost 6 months after the last time they spoke 😐

[bxlea-blog-blog]

You can't outrun what you feel, all that's left is to heal..

L.Kershaw