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butterfly1014 · 2 years ago

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Love to see this fanfic update. So happy to see Bliss choose herself. Good job.

Bliss - Ch 26

The morning brings about an eerie wind chill.

My blanket has become a replica of frozen sawdust. The material feels pulverized, poked with millions of tiny, microscopic holes. The spaces in which the material has torn is where most of the cold prevails. There’s no one else in this bed with me, so I am the only person this algor can attack.

It has no other choice.

Today is Friday. That means the weekend begins after school lets out. I don’t have any plans to look forward to. I’m just delighted over the aspect of not waking up early for two days. My nights will not be filled with care-taking, soothing bruises, or calming wild emotions.

Time is completely in my hands now. I can do with it whatever I please, yet sleeping is the only activity that sounds alluring to me. I feel at ease when I close my eyes and halfway exist.

I’ll go to school, come home, and sleep in my wintry bed.

Hopefully, my limbs will not succumb to hypothermia.

The house is quiet when I step into the hallway. It’s an alternate universe if compared to last night. I couldn’t even fall asleep because it was so loud downstairs. The sound of frantic twins and never-ending cries took over all the silent places, broadcasting Laurent’s dejection and Larry’s efforts to soothe him.

After saying my part, I left the twins to their own vices. Like I’d told them, I did not care if they stayed in the house. They were Gavin’s friends long before they became the loves of my life, so it was not my place to banish them from this residence completely.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

Unprepared for me to abandon them, they had no other place to go on such a whim. It was not safe to venture to their own house without first knowing if their father was present, and Laurent had been too unstable to take to the streets yesterday. The extenuating circumstances left me with no other choice, but to listen to them decay beneath me.

I’d wondered if they’d expected my mind to change. If they had, I wanted my refusal to leave my bedroom to erase those expectations. There was nothing they could say or do to appease me at this point. My trust in them had been sawed apart with a rusty razor, making the actual process of disseverment violent and agonizing.

Not only did my trust no longer exist; my hope and faith had vanished as well. There was nothing left of me but anger, pain, and disappointment. Whenever I caught a glimpse of my reflection, I thought I could see the dull spot within my eyes where the optimism used to glow.

Now as I peer into the foggy, bathroom mirror I see an unfamiliar girl.

Unexplored, fragmented anomaly…

She’s tired and broken. Her heart has been shredded into confetti. For the first time, in a long time, I want to use my energy helping her. I want to figure out what she needs and what she wants, and I want to comfort her until she no longer feels like smiling is just a way of playing dress-up.

I tell myself that I’m going to be Bliss again someday, and even though I don’t believe it right now, I know that I will start to believe it sooner or later.

I do not want to go to school today. There are two people that I’m not ready to face yet. My standoff with the twins has left me unprepared for another battle, but there are things that I must say to certain people in order for me to rest.

Aja is one of those people.

She’s the main person actually. Me and her have a lot of unspoken words lodged between us. I have put aside years’ worth of frustration in order to preserve our friendship. I assume she’s kept her tongue between her teeth a lot through these years as well. It’s always been obvious that she doesn’t like me. I just never had the heart to confront her about it.

There’s not really a resolution I’m searching for. It would be nice if she could tell me “why”. That’s all I want to know. I think I deserve an explanation. A real one, not one where she tries to act innocent and avoid the question. I really want to know what I did to make her dislike me, and why she felt the need to hurt me so callously.

Was her animosity really that serious?

Did it make her feel better in the end?

Of course, I know that actually getting a sound answer out of her is far-fetched. She’s not the type of person that’s accustomed with telling the truth. Aja’s a coward who tries to act brave, and that’s all she ever will be.

Knowing that, I will have to settle with getting answers from the other person I have to talk to. These are not the same type of answers I need from Aja. With Ethan, I just want clarification. I’ll apologize for throwing myself at him yesterday, and then I’ll ask him why he hadn’t kissed me back.

Not even for just a second — to see if he liked the way it felt.

My heart throbs as I think about him. He’s the closest thing to comfort that I have right now. I don’t want Ethan to be upset with me, or to suspect that I’m using him to fill my voids. That’s not true. I don’t want be to him what the twins were to me. My intention is not to use him up.

I just revel in his company.

The walk to the bus stop isn’t a pleasant one. I feel sluggish in my feet and restless in my torso.

The two sensations do not mix. They are not very inviting towards each other. At some moments, one is more prominent and the other wafts to the background. There is never one moment where they both cease however. Neither is there a moment when one exists without the other. They’re mortal enemies, yet they stick together.

The sluggishness is because I haven’t gotten enough sleep. The last two days have interrupted my slumber. The restlessness is because I’m expecting to find Aja at the street corner, standing closer to our other classmates than she ever has before.

Surprisingly, she is not.

Aja has decided to forego school altogether today. I wonder only momentarily if I had something to do with her reasoning, then I remind myself of who I am. Aja has never been intimidated or thwarted by me. Being present to see the new sadness I’ve taken on is probably at the top of Aja’s bucket-list. She’s might even be disappointed that she had to miss it.

I’m relieved that she is not here, and I inhale my first easy breath of the day.

The sensation in my torso becomes milder as I reach the actual stop.

Soft recline, tranquilizing…

…

It was the last day of tenth grade when Larry referred to me as his girlfriend for the first time.

My birthday had just passed a couple of months earlier, finally giving me the years I’d so desperately yearned for. I was a sixteen year old girl who’d felt much closer to womanhood than childhood. The twins showed up to my house that day with a new car, and they took me to almost every candy shop in Paris.

It was magical.

Their presence in my life was already a constant. I saw them most nights and sometimes during the day, but getting to spend the entire day with them had done something to me. It made me realize that the twins, their company, and their safety were the only three things I’d ever need in life to be happy. It was such a simple formula, yet acquiring a sound solution with that formula was not

The twins came and went like breezes of the wind. I could never hold them down for very long. I’d complain of their absence every time I saw them again, turning my face violet-blue from the amount of oxygen it took to get my point across. When Larry finally grew tired of my constant griping, he opted to pick me up from school twice a week.

It wasn’t much of a budge on his end, but I enjoyed the car ride with him and his twin.

Every once in awhile I could convince them to come inside when Larry would pull in front of my house, and they would end up devoting the rest of their day to me. Baking cookies, telling stories, and watching lousy television shows took our hours. It was times like those that showed me how much I actually loved them.

I sought to recreate the magical moments every chance I got. I assumed the last day of school would be a great time to do so. I’d asked Larry to pick me up that day specifically, planning to tell him of all the things I’d like to do with him and Lau during the summer days ahead.

Aja and I had walked out of the school building with high aspirations. We were both excited that school was over. I’d invited her to come along because she had been talking about Laurent non-stop all week. Through her ceaseless raving, I learned that she and him had sex during one of Pom’s parties.

I was shocked at first and horrified later.

Some time ago, she’d told me that Laurent asked her to hang out. I didn’t think much of it then. I’d been too focused on my struggles with Larry. When she revealed what transpired between them, I immediately went to Laurent to hear his side of things.

The horror seeped into my system when I sat down with Lau. I’d noticed distinct differences in the way he and Aja recalled the event. My poor friend made her account of things with a light, airy voice. She’d mistaken Lau’s desperation for interest. She made their time together sound lovely. Laurent on the other hand, spoke of Aja as a number, an experience.

His voice held no inkling of longevity and that had certainly concerned me.

That’s why I figured it wouldn’t hurt if she came to my house to hang-out. Maybe it would give her a peace of mind. I had firsthand experience with worrying over a boy. It made your head crazy, especially if you didn’t know how he really felt about you.

Unfortunately, my intentions hadn’t played out the way I’d wanted them to.

When we walked out of the building, the first thing we saw was Larry. He’d parked his car against the curb across the street from the school. The wheels were crooked and half-turnt rather than parallel. I’d chuckled to myself because Larry reminded me a lot of that car.

He was never straight. The path he walked was slightly haphazard. That was just who he was. Complicated and topsy-turvy. Still, I couldn’t help smiling when his dark eyes landed on mine.

He was always so intense.

His hair was twisted and tucked underneath a royal blue snap-back. Despite the warm weather, he wore a blue and white letterman. The sleeves were pushed up to his elbows, revealing the black arm-warmers he wore beneath them. His pants were made of denim, and his shoes, his favorite shoes, were black, teal, and gray.

He pulled his neck-warmer up over his mouth, and opened his arms to me upon my approach. I blushed at how open he was. I was still getting used to his new, affectionate ways. Larry had gotten me accustomed to his closed-off self.

Now, he was anything but.

“Bliss Baby.” He said, causing me to flash him a fake frown.

Ever since I’d declared my new and improved maturity on my sixteenth birthday; he and Lau had taken to teasing me about my age. They’d grabbed ahold of my name and added several different variations to it, emphasizing the youthfulness that I hated about myself. So now, Bliss became “Bliss Baby” or “Baby Bliss”. Sometimes, they’d say “Princess Girl” and pack the word girl with a whole lot of taunting and mischief.

I’d respond by calling Larry “Baby Boy” and Laurent “Baby Love”. Though the nicknames stemmed from our shenanigans, they were centered around love. It was our thing. It became something that no one else could share with us, so whenever they called me by one of those names I couldn’t help but swoon.

“Baby Boy.” I said lightly. “Where’s your brother?”

He wrapped his arms around the back of me and pulled me to his chest. I inhaled his fresh, natural scent and the cologne that absorbed within his clothes. His embrace lifted my spirit high into the sky and almost sent me soaring. I locked my arms around his slender waist and relished as his lips met my cheek.

“My twin over there.” His response made me pull away, as I turned to follow the direction Larry gestured towards.

Me, him, and Aja looked across the street where the school buses collected. There we found Laurent talking to Jessica, one of the upperclassmen from our school. He was smiling and telling her silly jokes, which was something he did to all of the pretty girls around Sarcelles.

My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach as I switched my attention onto Aja. The look on her face was kind of peculiar. Her eyes were dark and stormy, but her lips were twisted with acceptance. I could sense her disappointment, yet it did not appear to be profound.

Either she was really good at disguising it on her face, or she just was so familiar with it that it no longer affected her. I couldn’t really decide which option I preferred for her. They both were equally devastating, and Aja didn’t deserve that.

She was way too pretty, way too special.

I was about to apologize to her on Laurent’s behalf. I didn’t know what he told her the night they spent together, but it must have been convoluted and worded quite confusingly for Aja to still be so riveted. Then again, Lau was a sweet-talker. Every word he spoke was smooth like ocean waves. They were light like the color sky-blue. Each syllable was polished, undisturbed water.

He wouldn’t have had to say much for Aja to drown.

“Boys like kissing different girls.” She said, grasping my attention. “That’s just the way they are.”

Aja always spoke like she knew exactly what she was talking about. Her knowingness was daunting sometimes. I was aware that there were things she was wrong about. But this didn’t seem to be one of those things.

Actually, I thought this was one of the only things she’d ever gotten right.

I’d seen evidence of her claim through Larry, Lau, and Gavin. Over the years, I’d witnessed them kissing several different girls. The three of them had turned my living room into a kissing sanctuary. All at once, and each on separate occasions, I’d seen them kissing plenty of times.

My heart quivered a bit and I was suddenly filled with hesitation. I saw Larry a lot during the week, but there were times when he did not show up at my doorstep. What he did during those times was unknown to me. I could picture him out being bad without effort.

Larry and I had never discussed terms with each other. I just figured we both were on the same page. He was the only boy I kissed, the only boy I slept with, and the only boy I loved. It was the natural way of things for me. All I could do was hope the same went for him, but the odd looks Lylah flashed me in the hallways would say otherwise.

I was glad that this was her last year at school. That way I wouldn’t be reminded of our silent rivalry every time we happened to cross each other. She was a constant reminder that I was only one of the girls who wanted Larry to herself. The talk I had with my brother seeped into my head frequently and furthered my discrepancies about him.

“That true only for girls like you.” Larry spoke, bringing both mine and Aja’s eyes onto him.

She looked at him with a pout. I wondered if she knew how he felt about her. Looking at his face, there was nothing particularly distinguishable. He peered at Aja with boredom, as if he were unimpressed by her presence as a whole.

I had a feeling that I should stop the conversation before it became troublesome, but Aja was ready to respond as soon as the words left Larry’s lips.

“What do you mean by that?” She questioned, as if she were an aggressive interviewer.

Larry simply lifted his shoulders. I took a step away from him so I could view him more

objectively. His face was the same and so was his body language. Everything about him was completely careless, even his voice.

Aja was the opposite of Larry. She was good at hiding her disappointment but not her anger. She had her lips turned down and her eyes narrowed. I tried to anticipate Larry’s next words so I could measure their damage potential. I knew it didn’t matter what was going to come out of his mouth. He had already offended Aja.

He bore Aja’s blackened expression no mind. “Girls like Gabriella kiss a boy one times and he never again wanna kiss another girl.”

My heart smiled before my lips did. His sweet words captured me. Larry never, ever talked about how he felt. For him to admit this in front of Aja; it was just absolutely ground-breaking. I took in a gust of warm, spring air. I had to steady myself to prevent the earthquakes in my bones from toppling me over.

Aja didn’t like that Larry had compared her to me. It actually enraged her. I hadn’t understood the contrast that Larry was making between us back then. I wasn’t sure if Aja understood it either, but her chocolate skin burned with ire. I waited for her to melt away, drip by drip, but she didn’t.

She actually became colder. Her dark, mahogany eyes froze. Not on Larry — on me. “Then why do you still kiss Lylah?”

I’d suddenly felt like somebody kicked me in the chest. All of the air in my system came gushing out of my lungs. My eyes widened and sought Larry’s out. He wasn’t looking at me though. His attention was trained solely on Aja.

The funny thing was that there was no guilt on his face. Nothing that she’d said so far had disturbed him. The hold he had over his composure hadn’t become any less startling over time. I waited for something in his demeanor to crack, to reveal the truth to me. Larry however, kept his facial expression unbothered and his body language untouchable.

“You see me kiss Lylah?” He asked drolly, tilting his head to view Aja at a very judgmental angle.

Her voice was small when she replied. “No.”

I was shocked by her answer because I assumed she’d actually seen Larry kiss Lylah with her own eyes. There had been many parties since Larry and I had gotten closer. Lylah went to most of the same parties that the twins attended. If Aja hadn’t seen Larry kiss her there, then she wouldn’t really know if Larry was still involved with Lylah.

It’s not like he would tell her. Lau wouldn’t tell her either. I started to question why Aja would say something so devastating if she did not know whether it was one-hundred percent true. She knew how deeply I felt about Larry.

Why would she want to mess that up?

Larry scoffed at her meek answer, breaking my thoughts into bits and pieces. “Then how you know somethings you don’t see?”

She was quiet for a little while, and he took her silence as a cue to continue his point. I’d been gauging her reaction when he reached for me. I was surprised and unprepared as he tugged me towards him, pressing his soft lips against my own.

He gave me a quick kiss, but kept me close when he’d pulled away. Aja was staring at us in disbelief. She was staring at us in a lot of ways actually. Her eyes were red like fire; her brows knitted and mushed together. I could see her teeth through her lips because the top one was curled in displeasure. Her nose was screwed up, as if she’d smelled something disgusting, but the only thing surrounding us were blooming flowers.

Looking at her, I felt extremely bad. I didn’t want Larry throwing our connection in her face for the sake of proving her wrong. Making her feel any worse wouldn’t fix the situation, but Larry wasn’t quite ready to stop yet.

“You see me kiss, Bliss?” He asked rhetorically, lifting an eyebrow.

“Yes.”

“Then she the only girl I kiss.”

Aja looked at him balefully. I couldn’t get why she wouldn’t just drop it. “But you…”

Larry quickly grew tired of discussing the matter with her. I could see his desire to prove a point shifting into annoyance. He huffed and his vexation tainted the oxygen. I held my breath and waited to see what he would say, but my brain kept yelling at me to stop him from responding.

“Aja, you never know what you talk of.” He snapped. “If you don’t know, you should shut up.”

“Larry!” I hit him in the chest with the back of my hand. “That’s mean.”

The intrusion of my voice grasped them both. They looked at me, equally alarming with their gazes. The only difference between them is that Larry’s glare softened when his eyes collided with mine. Aja kept her mean stare, letting me know that it was especially for me.

I peered at Larry with disapproval, hoping to lessen Aja’s gall. “Don’t talk to my friend like that.”

He accepted my order without protest. I was relieved that he decided to let the conversation rest. Larry wasn’t one to get into altercations anyway. I never quite understood why Aja bothered him so much.

It went quiet around us. The only thing I could hear were our breathing patterns and the sound of school buses pulling off down the winding, one-way road. My relief began to settle around the edges of my heart. I was sure the dispute was finally over.

Only moments later, I realized the tranquil quiet had fooled me.

Aja wasn’t ready to let the conversation die. Not at all. She squared her shoulders and jutted out her chin indignantly. “Why are you so defensive all the time?”

Her assertion was wrong. Larry was never defensive. You could insult him in a million different ways and he would never try to counter your opinion. Only on rare occasions did he feel the need to defend himself. This was one of those occasions.

“I don’t like how you tell Bliss stupid stuff.” He told her his answer without hesitation, staring her straight in the eyes.

Aja was upset about his response again. I could see her getting angrier and angrier by the second. I prayed for her to drop the issue and just move on. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. There was something inside of her that would not rest until she backed Larry into a corner. She was trying so hard to get a rise out of him, but she only ended up aggravating herself in the process.

Her eyes were rugged daggers. They shot back and forth between Larry and I, dissecting us both right down the middle. I wanted to remind her that I had nothing to do with this conversation. I knew she had a habit of taking her anger out on everyone, not just the person who caused it.

She opened her mouth, and like I’d expected, spited us both. “It’s not like she’s your girlfriend.”

Silence filled the space the three of us were taking up for the umpteenth time. There was nothing I could say to that or Larry really for that matter. We didn’t talk about our relationship when we were together. Instead, we spent our time loving each other. I felt like what was understood didn’t need to be explained, and I understood every single thing I felt for Larry.

From the weariness to the all-consuming love.

Of course, I would have liked for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. It would have surely pacified my fears. But even though he hadn’t; I didn’t think any less of him. Whether or not he considered me his girlfriend, he still spent most of his free time with me.

He still slept in my bed and kept me warm — that meant more to me than any title.

Larry sneered at Aja’s gratification and tightened his grip around my waist. “She is my girlfriend.”

I went deaf after that. My head snapped back so I could study his features. I couldn’t believe what he’d said. I wasn’t sure if he’d spoken it to stop Aja from winning the argument, or if he actually meant the words.

Again, his features were absolutely unreadable.

“But…”

“She will be my wife one day too.” He deepened my astonishment and Aja’s too. We were both left with dumbfounded looks on our faces. I had no idea where any of this stuff was coming from. “And you still will know nothing.”

Aja was practically fuming now. This was the most upset I’d ever seen her. It was the most upset I’d ever seen anyone. I could imagine steam trickling out of her ears. Her body was an enraged locomotive, hot and hazy on the inside, and made of brumal steel on the outside.

I had no idea what to say at this point. My head was still reeling at what Larry had said. I continued to look in Aja’s direction because I knew I might’ve cried if I’d looked at Larry. My friend gawked at Larry for a long time without speaking. A multitude of emotions re-arranged her face.

There were so many that I could not decipher them all. The three that stood out the most planted themselves within my psyche: bemusement, enmity, and longing. I wanted to come up with reasons for why she might have felt each of these. I didn’t have to think for long. Aja handed me detailed explanations through her next deposit of words.

“Why do you like her so much?” Her voice and her face were both riddled with confusion.

Behind her eyes, I saw anger and yearning. All three of her emotions took new forms, each equally desperate to be put to rest. She wanted an answer to her odd question, but I knew before she did that Larry would not give her one.

These weren’t the type of questions that he answered willingly. Knowing that, I was aware that his evasion would only infuriate Aja more. It was way too late for me to jump into the conversation now, so I stayed quiet and held my breath for Larry’s comeback.

“Why you so worried for Bliss life? Who she kiss. Who she fuck. Who wanna be she boyfriend?”

His voice was packed tight with irritation. I’d wanted to tell him to calm down. This entire situation had escalated beyond its appropriate measure. We were all supposed to get in his car, ride to my house, and have fun until the stars came out.

Instead, we were standing on the sidewalk bickering over a complete misunderstanding.

The misunderstanding was not birthed by words. It was created within the two people who stood near me. They were the misunderstanding. Larry and Aja did not get each other. They didn’t comprehend each other’s point of view. That fact put me into a very uncomfortable position because I understood them both.

Aja was just upset because Laurent was flirting with another girl. She was the type who got attached easily. If she let you sleep in her bed, then that meant she really liked you. I could empathize with her because I was dealing with an identical boy, one with the same flighty tendencies as his brother.

Larry was upset because Aja had questioned his integrity, and maybe because he already didn’t favor her as a person. He didn’t like people saying things that might have left an ugly impression on me. That’s why he’d gotten so angry when Gavin had mocked his feelings. He barely ever let his feelings show, so when people made fun of them it inflamed him.

“Why you never worry for you self?” He asked harshly, eyeing Aja with an impenetrable glare.

She didn’t seem like she knew how to answer his question the right way. I thought there were many answers to say, and Aja said the one I hadn’t been planning to hear. “I already know everything about myself.”

Larry didn’t like her answer. He scoffed and turned his back on us. I didn’t move my head to watch him retreat. I could hear him getting inside of his car, refusing to supply us with a proper ending to this conversation. His presence disappeared and he left me and Aja without anything to do but stare at each other.

Her expression was grim; mines was knowing.

I had a feeling that her self was what she actually knew the least about.

Yet, I said nothing.

…

My day at school has been the equivalent of a shooting star.

Vanishing.

Blue-streaked.

Before I know it, I am sitting in the cafeteria by myself. The room feels tinier than it once had. More cramped. Hotter. I glance around and find everybody doing what they always do. No one else seems bothered. I must be the only one who senses the change. Only the melancholy can tell when the world is growing smaller.

I’m about to lay my head down when I see a flash of blue out of my peripheral. I raise my eyes and I’m welcomed by a lovely secret. My astonishment floods me as I perk up. I had not expected to see his face. I was sure that he’d turned himself invisible like Aja, but here he is flashing me grey exuberance through his eyes.

“Gabriella…” I note that he’s called me by my real name again, causing my glee to sink.

He must still be bewildered from yesterday.

I watch him pull out an empty chair. This time he doesn’t choose the one directly beside me. His expression is pensive and precarious. I want to unscrew the top of his head and delve into his brain, enriching myself in his thoughts — both positive and negative.

Once he sits, he doesn’t say anything. His eyes roam over my face, but they do not reveal what they’re searching for. His lips loosen as if he’s about to speak, but they twine and warp around his words. The voice at the back of his throat stays inaudible. I sink even further because I’m dying to know that he has to say.

Suddenly, I remember my plan from earlier this morning.

I’m the one who needs to talk to him. My goal is supposed to be clarification. The apology and the question take an elevator from my heart, and travel up my oceanic bloodstream. I feel the weight of them in my system, until they reach their destination on my tongue.

I sigh and send him all of my earnesty. “I’m sorry, Ethan.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“I didn’t mean for that to happen.” I say. “My emotions got the best of me.”

“People are always searching for antidotes to their pain.” He responds wistfully, offering me a smile that expresses his understanding.

My chest lightens and gives my heart more room to beat. This boy makes me happy. Despite everything that’s happened, his presence is still enough to make me smile. I think about the kiss and I want so badly to know why he hadn’t returned the affection.

I reach my hand across the table and touch his. “You’re my antidote.”

Ethan doesn’t pull away from my gesture, but he glances down at our hands disapprovingly.

“I didn’t just reject you because I don’t feel that way about you, Gabriella.” He says softly, raising his eyes to peer at me. His voice is another soft rejection. “I know that you’re confused right now, and don’t really know what to do with yourself. I just want to tell you that you’re going to find the path that’s meant for you.“

He nods his head slowly, convincing himself that what he’s saying is the absolute truth. "Everything you’re facing now is going to get easier. Time heals it all, so allow time to do that.”

I retract my hand and sit back. “What is it about me?”

Ethan does not respond. He waits to speak, as if he’s asking me to define my question further. I don’t know how to ask him eloquently. Words roll and bounce around in my head. I try to order them in a way that’s modest and completely coherent, but I quickly decide that it’s best to be blunt about this matter.

“Why don’t you feel that way about me?” I ask , unable to hold back my curiosity.

“I want to answer your question.” He mumbles, letting his voice die underneath the idle cafeteria chatter. “Can I tell you a story?”

“Of course.”

He smiles a little at my willingness, but shortly after his mouth plummets. “Do you remember when you asked me if I’ve ever loved someone?”

“Yes.”

“I told you that I did and you asked me if it was a romantic thing.”

“Yes.”

“It wasn’t romantic. Far from it actually.” He livens as he speaks, drawing me in with the magnetic sound of his voice. “I was talking about my sister.”

I am both interested and surprised. His shifting emotions have successfully captivated me. In a matter of seconds, he’s gone from wistful, to happy, to sullen. I find it odd that up until now he’s never mentioned any sibling besides Eric. I have to infer that this is a sensitive subject for him, so I prepare my heart to become soft again, only for him.

“You and Eric have a sister?” I question, watching his expression for any answer that might unknowingly reveal itself.

Ethan shakes his head to denounce my question. His eyes gloss over with regret. I try not to take on his pain, but it absorbs into me by force. My chest constricts and spasms, compressing my lungs and their functions. I can no longer breathe in this stale, cafeteria air. I feel a rumble in my stomach, but I hold my breath and ignore it.

I wait for Ethan to speak but he remains silent. He appears to be reminiscing, yet somehow, I imagine that he’s actually just trying to find the strength to speak about this matter.

His gaze abruptly shifts, from the table to the floor, then back to the table again. “We used to have a sister.”

I am distracted from the meaning of his words, by the struggle to force his eyes back onto mine. His eyes are violet-grey, the pupils nearly lost in the iris, the fringe of dark lashes tinged with the same cocoa brown that weaves through his hair.

I pause, carefully forming my tone before I speak, concealing curiosity behind concern. “What happened?”

My question seems to throw him; not because it is blunt in an inquiring sense, but because Ethan’s attention is not entirely focused on me. He keeps drifting away and when I pull him back it’s a bit disorienting. His brows lift as he leans back upon his seat. After several seconds, he begins to speak, the words spilling from his mouth almost unwillingly.

“My family used to live in Paris. I liked it better there. It was my mom, my dad, and my siblings. We were a very close-knit family, and we basically lived a very normal life.”

His explanation starts off light and it answers one of the questions I’ve held for him. Before this year, I hadn’t even known that Ethan existed. Sarcelles is the type of neighborhood where everyone knows everyone, or at least knows of everyone. The way Ethan popped onto the scene so suddenly always intrigued me.

Now, I know that he is not from Sarcelles.

He was born in the city of love and dreams. That must be why he’s so whimsical. I’m glad to see that the hood hasn’t made him into a captive. Looking at him, I can’t picture him being stuck in this place. After graduation he’ll probably leave and never look back.

“My dad worked at a bakery, and my mother taught online writing classes. We were cool. I never had any problems growing up, never really faced any hardships. Things started to change when I turned sixteen though.”

I allow him to speak to me without interruptions. I don’t open my mouth to comment or ask monotonous questions. I give him the floor and let him know that I might not be the best listener, but I’m going to try my hardest for him.

Open ears, numinous audience…

“She was fourteen at the time and Eric was seventeen.” Ethan’s lips quirk with a little bit of happiness, his gaze glittering as he regards me across the table.

I am relieved that he’s finally looking at me. I offer him a warm smile and encourage him to continue his intriguing tale. “Okay, what happened?”

As fast as his happiness arrives; it departs. The realignment of moods is not a smooth transition. It doesn’t happen all at once. The first thing that falls is his mouth. The half-way smile plummets without direction, leaving his lips sagging with dejection. I watch his eyes crinkle in the corner, tightening with a need to stay durable and resolute.

One by one his features create antonyms of a former happiness — and beauty.

“My dad cheated on my mom with one of his co-workers.”

I immediately feel sympathy for Ethan’s mother. I know what it’s like to be the victim of infidelity. It already hurts enough to have the person you trust most betray you, but for them to drag your children into the mess is entirely unforgivable.

My heart tries to harden around the edges to prepare for whatever devastation Ethan will reveal next. I understand that this is not a happy story. Still, I can’t stop myself from hoping Ethan will surprise me with a happy ending.

I try to remain soft where I can. “That must have hit your family hard.”

His sadness swiftly shifts to anger. He’s nodding his head without even realizing that he’s unconsciously answering my question. Ethan begins to twist his fingers around each other, as if he needs to give his hands something to do. I think if the limbs weren’t warped together, he’d be balling them into tight fists.

“It did but not because he cheated on my mom. He packed all of his stuff and left us too. I’m not even sure where his decision stemmed from. One day we were a happy family, and the next day everything fell apart.”

His voice gets rougher and rougher. I study him as he speaks, watching for the barbed wire that has situated on the sides of his tongue. I’m not sure if Ethan’s anger is directed towards his father, or the path his life took after his father left. With him, it’s hard to tell where his emotions begin and end.

He hasn’t gotten around to dropping his gaze yet, which I’ve noticed is something he does when he feels overwhelmed. Therefore, I must conclude that his anger isn’t as profound as his sadness. I know that dilemma all too well.

Anger fades like old scars on fresh skin.

It starts off deep and blistered, oozing and dripping. Anger makes you hot. It incases you within an inferno. The fury sucks away your oxygen, providing fuel to the dark, gray clouds of smoke you have to inhale. You choke and die inside long before the flames destroy you.

That’s why anger is easier. The fire always reduces to lazy embers over time. Even forest fires can be put to rest. While the flames waver and die, you’ll already be numb to the heat.

Sadness lingers.

Always.

“We couldn’t afford our house with my mother’s income alone, and she didn’t want us getting jobs to help pay the bills. Especially not me. She was real strict about my education. She always told me that I was academically inclined, which was really just her way of making me feel better when I complained about not being able to dance like Eric.”

I can’t help a burst of laughter at his obvious self-mockery. His mentioning of his brother is the only part of his sentence that does not reverberate with distaste. “So, that’s why you moved to Sarcelles?”

To my surprise, he appears equally amused, a half smile tilting his mouth. “Yeah.”

“I’m assuming the move didn’t go well for your family.”

Like all of his other emotions, the brief spell of joy is fleeting. His smile turns itself inside out, leaving deep impressions of strain on his face. I wish so badly that I could reach out and soothe the skin where it is taut, but Ethan is never fully accustomed to my softness when I offer it to him.

I remain quiet and to myself, giving Ethan the motivation to keep speaking. His voice isn’t necessarily troubled when he begins to speak through his next batch of words. I note that instead of anger or sadness, the emotion that babysits his tone is a form of thoughtfulness.

“My mother was really broken up about it, but she tried to stay strong for us. I was mostly just confused. I didn’t understand how my father could just up and leave us like that. It didn’t make sense to me.”

Ethan still looks confused to me. He’s probably spent the last couple of years searching for the answers to his questions, but hasn’t had much luck finding them. He reminds me a lot of myself. Of course, our situations are more different than they are alike. My struggles with Larry however, have opened me up to a lot of different emotions and experiences. I don’t think I could listen to someone tell a story of melancholy and not relate.

“Eric was mad. He changed after my dad left. I watched him go from a regular kid to someone angry inside. It was like he was always upset. Every day. Every night. I think being abandoned hardened his heart, and that’s why he got caught up in the streets.”

For a moment, my mind drifts away from this lovely-secret boy. I decide to lend some time recalling the ordeal that happened between this boy’s brother and Larry. I remember seeing Eric in Paris and wondering why he was so mean, why he was such a bully.

I hadn’t given myself the opportunity to come up with a background story for him. I simply thought that he was a bad person, and I never gave his character a second thought. I shouldn’t have been so black-and-white with my perspective. The world we live in is never just black-and-white. The people who try to make it that way are dis-servicing those like Eric who have to live in the gray area.

“The only person who could make him soften up was Elizabeth.”

The name rolls off of Ethan’s tongue with adoration, so I can’t help repeating it back. “Elizabeth…”

He grins at the affection I wrap around her name. I like the way it sounds when I speak it also. It’s like he’s finally given me a secret to keep for him. I instantly feel closer to Ethan for sharing this story with me. Even though he’s not finished, my body is filling with honor and love from what I already know. This moment is special to me.

“She had a pure aura around her. Lizzy was the type of person who could brighten anybody’s day. She was always helping somebody and seeing the good in people.”

Ethan keeps talking about Elizabeth with high regard. His lovely description of her makes all of it real to me. I listen with intent ears as he reveals his love on all the levels it surpasses.

“She was the only person who hadn’t blamed my dad.” He looks like he wants to frown but he doesn’t, as if he knows she would reprimand him for doing so. “Her explanation for his departure was that the heart craved adventure, and that it wasn’t fair to keep something so powerful contained.“

"Wow.” I say quietly, allowing her words to enter my soul.

I wish I could have heard her say this with my own ears. A few months ago, hearing those words would have reignited my passions. I probably wouldn’t be so depleted right now. Hope is sometimes all a person needs, and Elizabeth seems to have been filled with it. She has a beautiful spirit. The way he talks about her is so indicative of that. It’s no wonder he’s such a lovely person.

“Yeah, the way she viewed life was poetic.” He looks at me pointedly, sighing as his mood begins to fluctuate again. “But she was often fooled by her aspirations.”

Ethan doesn’t clarifying whether or not he’s comparing his sister to me. I don’t think he is but something about the way he’s speaking makes me feel as though there’s a lesson to be learned within his words. I try to listen to him objectively, forcing my emotions to take a seat behind my logic. I know my heart and brain interpret things differently.

“My sister met this guy from our neighborhood. He was a thug and caught up in the fast-life, but of course she saw the potential in him. They started spending a lot of time together. I think he was intrigued by her. She wasn’t like the other girls in Sarcelles.”

Ethan is looking directly at me. I can’t read the emotion on his face. It’s a concoction of sadness, anger, and disappointment. I still don’t know if he’s trying to reach me with his words, but I’ve been irrevocably captured and affected, even if that isn’t his primary intention.

I remember myself very clearly as a fourteen year old girl, chasing Larry around Sarcelles for the sake of his love. It’s both sad and inspiring that I’m not the only person who has been through this experience. I watch Ethan’s face and there’s nothing hopeful within his expression. This saddens me more because I would hate to hear that love didn’t wind up saving Elizabeth in the end.

“The closer they got to each other, the less I saw her around the house. It troubled me because I was already concerned about Eric’s involvement in the streets. I didn’t want my little sister around that stuff, but she was really in love with that dude. She couldn’t stay away from him.”

His eyes gloss over and he is transported back to the past. I want to ask him what three years ago looks like through his eyes. I know there’s a lot of sorrow and grief there, but there has to be a little bit of light somewhere.

Otherwise, it wouldn’t even be a point in telling this story.

“One day they were together and she was shot and killed during a drive-by.” His words crash into my torso and obliterate my heart. Though he’s been building up for this reveal, I wasn’t ready for it to be spoken into existence. I’m left horror-stricken and tongue-tied. “Her boyfriend was killed too.” Ethan shakes his head regretfully. “It was over a dispute involving drugs and money.”

“I’m so sorry, Ethan.”

Ethan blows out an exasperated burst of air, shifting on his chair uncomfortably, his gaze lifting to the ceiling. I realize too late that he will not respond well to any indication of my sympathy, brow soothing just as he begins to speak again.

“It’s okay.” He says quietly. “She’s okay, now.”

My heart is pounding relentlessly because I do not know what to say. I learned from losing my parents that there’s nothing a person can really tell you to pacify your wounds. There’s never a right word or phrase. The middle of my tongue is dry where I would usually nurse comforting words.

I have to drop my eyes because I can’t bear to look at him. His torn up expression is too much for me. I’ve never felt more helpless before. I can literally feel Ethan’s loss wafting between the space that separates us. It’s consuming to the point where I can’t even distinguish my own.

He reaches across the table and touches the top of my hand. I raise my eyes. First, to his touch. Then, to his face. There’s a difference between the way his aura floats around him now. Sure, there’s still suffering in the way that he breathes. His exhales seem to be a lot less haphazard though.

Easy.

In and out.

Velvety.

“She’s probably in heaven really enamored over the romance of the ‘til death do we part’ scenario.”

Ethan smiles with an acceptance he must have accustomed over time. The promise in his gesture sends chills down my spine. I want to pull away from his touch and wrap my arms around myself, but I end up wrapping my fingers around his own and gripping him unyieldingly.

I hold his hand within my own with an intention to never let go. “I’m so, so sorry.”

His smile expands across his face. I’m so perplexed by him and by how I should be feeling right now. Ethan’s story was sad and filled with longing, yet he regards me as if I should be fulfilled. I don’t know what I am. The only thing I can focus on is the pain he must have endured when he found out the most important person in his life was taken from him.

I don’t understand how he’s so forthcoming now. If he’d never told me this story, I would have never suspected that something so devastating happened in his life. He’s always so jubilant and light. His persona does not correspond with his experiences.

I want to ask him how he’s found the strength to not give up.

“I didn’t tell you this story to make you sad.” He says, showing me a genuineness that can not be mistaken. “I told you because I see my sister in you, Bliss.”

I am extremely flattered but mostly astonished, picturing a girl with startling grey-eyes and brown hair sitting next to him. “How so?”

“Your light.” His reply is simple. It fills me with glee. “Your forgiveness.” He smiles at me. “The way you love.”

“I…”

Ethan does not allow me to finish my sentence. I’m glad because my mind hadn’t thought of anything meaningful to say anyway. He sends me waves of acceptance and happiness, trying to lift me from the dolefulness I have absorbed.

His last cluster of words are the warmest.

“The way I feel for you is the way an older brother would feel for his little sister. I just want to protect you and see you smile. I wanna buy you candy, and talk to you about boys, and be there for you because I didn’t get enough time to do that with my sister.”

My questions from early are banished to the back of my head. I no longer wonder why he didn’t return my unexpected kiss from yesterday. I’m not confused or offended by his lack of attraction. I don’t feel slighted. Instead, I feel nothing but credit and esteem from being held in a similar light as his sister.

I’ve been to him a solace this whole time and I didn’t even know it.

“You’re amazing.” I say, promising to keep his secrets entwined with my heart.

I almost stop myself from promising, but I remember that Ethan and I can do this.

There are no rules between us.

Only honesty.

Healing.

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butterfly1014 · 3 years ago

Text

That was a helluva chapter you just wrote. Karina she went for blood. Larry was no match for her. But after he all said and done, she still want him, pitiful.

Just Friends - Chapter 55

Larry I pushed the shower curtain open, the steam still filling the room so much that I could only see the faint outline of my body in the mirror. The shower was piping hot and my body relished in it. I wished I’d had my shit in the bathroom so I could savor the feeling of being in this warm room, knowing that as soon as I opened the door, I would be freezing. Lau had kept the ac on all night and into the morning, he relayed to me as I walked in a couple hours ago.

As I stood, peering into the foggy mirror, I considered staying longer, but there was plenty of shit I had to take care of that I’d rather get over with as soon as possible. I dried off quickly, wrapping the towel around my waist and stepping out into the hall toward my room, Lau’s mix blasting past his room door and filling the space. I nodded, catching the transition placed in between the song switches, reminding myself to compliment him on that. We’d be using this for the next performance at HHI. Quickly, I finished up my routine, shaking my twists knowing that the ends weren’t completely dry yet. I considered taking them down, they’d need to be redone as soon as I got back to the tour tonight… Tomorrow rather, the time changes and a 18 hour flight would take us into the next day. I sighed, glancing at my phone which currently illuminated with notifications I’d missed while taking my sweet ass time in the shower. I scrolled a bit, clicking one of the most recent and frequent missed calls. Two rings. She always answered right after two rings. “Hi baby.” her voice sexy and airy. If you didn’t know any better, you would think that was her norm. It wasn’t. “ I haven’t heard from you in a while.” “Karina.” Indulging in her calling me pet names wasn’t right. Not anymore. “I been busy, you know that.” It was my go to excuse because it was true. I was often busy. But that didn’t stop me from doing what I wanted. Being where I wanted to be. Seeing who I wanted to see. “I know.” She breathed into the phone. “What’s up? I miss you.” “I’m in town.” I said, kicking back onto the bed. “Can we get together? Today? I have a meeting later but I’m free until li-” “Come to my apartment.” She interrupted me before I could initiate an outing. “I’ll be home in about 20 minutes. Maybe you can grab us something to eat on the way here. I’ll order some pizzas or something.” “Its no rush, If you’re out with your friends or something…” “I’m always free for you, you’re never here.” “Don’t say that.” “You know I am.” She paused, making faint commentary to someone in the background. “Call me when you’re on the way.” With that, the conversation ended. I checked the time, it was still early, I had a couple hours yet until I had to be at Keller for the meeting so this should be an easy move. I reached over to the desk chair, grabbing my backpack with the clothes I had been wearing last night. I took them out, digging in to grab my rings which I’d neglected to put back on this morning when I left Aaliyah’s place. My shirt that I had slept in smelled just like her. Part of me felt… guilty about seeing Karina so soon after being with her but I knew this had to be done. I wouldn’t leave New York without ending this shit. The black hairtie around my wrist and the smell of my bag only furthered my memories of the night before, making me smile and laugh to myself. It was a good ass night.

- “So.” Aaliyah exhaled into her words. “What’s next?” “Well…” I paused to make sure I was doing the right thing. I wanted to say I would take her home and remind her of why we were good. Of why we got together in the first place… of why we were destined for more. I knew in the back of my mind that no matter how much I wanted her in that moment, how right it felt, and how I could see myself jumping back into where we left off… a major part of our problem was pushing past things that needed to be put on the table. “I don’t know.” I said frankly. “You should come over.” I raised my eyebrows, not expecting that response. She noted my look and laughed. “Not like that, I just think it would be better if you got some rest instead of making the drive back into the city.” I kissed my teeth while switching lanes, to which she continued her light laughter before. “I just don’t want you driving sleepy any longer, you’re probably jetlagged even though you wont admit it. Your eyes are low and puffy as hell.” “Damn Liyah. I’m ugly?” “When you don’t sleep? Kind of.” I opened my mouth and turned my head slightly to her, without taking my eyes off the road.“ Her laughter came again, prompting the ends of my mouth to raise despite me trying to feign offense. “Not like that. You’ve been yawning since we left dinner and I know lack of sleep, a full belly, and drinks aren’t helping that. I wouldn’t want something to happen to you because you had to drive me all the way home then drive yourself to-” “Aaliyah is okay.” I shrugged. “I’ll stay. You don’t have to beg me.” It was her turn to kiss her teeth while I laughed back. “Shut up,” She said, tapping my shoulder lightly. “…you’re going to get off in two exits.” I vaguely remembered this route from the night we ubered to her house, and with the GPS’s quiet direction now added, we were almost there. We rode in silence for a bit before we got right near her block. “You sure?” “About?” She said, still leaned against the corner of the window, making her body angled toward me. “Me coming upstairs.” I paused, scanning the streets for somewhere to park. “Yeah.” She said without pause. “I just don’t think its safe. If you don’t want to though it’s cool, I can drive you downtown and I can just uber back to my pl-.” “I’ll come up. I have my backpack.” I nodded toward the backseat quickly. Miraculously someone was just pulling away across the street from her building. I slid in the spot, grabbed my shit and there we were. Together. Once I got into her apartment, I quickly made myself comfortable, slipping my shoes and thicker shirt off, the warmth of the place allowing me to be okay in minimal clothing. I didn’t even stop to think before reaching behind me mindlessly to unzip my jeans. “Larry.” “Yeah?” I called back quietly, before looking up and noticing she had stuff in her hands. “This might be weird, what I’m about to say.” “Whats up?” I asked, looking behind the sofa for the extra blanket that I found last time I was here. “I think you should sleep in my bed…” She paused, considering her words. “My roommate should be home, she works for the firm too and I don’t want her to leave or come back or something and see you out here.” There was silence as we weighed the options. “Not that I’m like… ashamed of you-” “Non.” I replied. “I get it. I know you don’t want you business out. I can sleep on the floor or -” “You don’t have to.” She sighed. “Okay.” I said quietly. Our hushed tones were telling. She stepped into the bathroom, and I grabbed my things and made my way into her room. After kicking off my pants, slipping my rings onto her bedside table, and putting all my shit back into my bag, I glanced around. We were on a completely different coast, in a different space, in a different room, yet I felt so comfortable. This room smelled like Aaliyah. It felt like her.

It felt like home. I sat down on top of her grey toned covers, smirking to myself at her excessive pillows and it was then that I noticed I could hear faint noise in her living room. When I stepped out of her room, the light illuminated her face as she laid against the couch, bundled up in the blanket I had just been looking for, her favorite one. “What you doing out here?” I said quietly, my voice carrying just enough. “There’s a friends marathon on.” She muttered, making herself comfortable on the couch. “It’ll put me right to sleep.” “Why you sleep out here?” She rose up slightly, raising her eyebrow. “Why wouldn’t I sleep out here?” “You crazy if you think I can sleep in you bed in you room without you.” Aaliyah brushed me off. “You used to do it all the time back in LA, Larry.” “Yeah but it’s different now. You close but too far… you out here and I’m in you room, its not fair.” “Larry, go to bed.” She snuggled back into the couch, quiet laughter coming from the screen. “Come sit with me at least.” I said, leaning against the wall near the television. “Please? Just until I fall asleep.”

She sighed, staring at me but not moving from her spot. I stood against the closest wall, a big yawn leaving my lips. I shrugged at her side eye, indicating that I wouldn’t be moved. “Fine.” She rose up, her thick thighs exposed by the shorts she wore. I couldn’t help but stare. Her face was bare and the little scarf on her head brought back so many memories. Once we got to her room, the awkwardness floated back into our steps. She grabbed my backpack and put it on the floor to sit in its place on the large chair by the bed and I kissed my teeth, side eyeing her. “Really?” “You’re annoying.” She said with a smile, before climbing into the bed next to me and sitting up against the headboard. Her legs barely made it to where my upper body ended. I reached over, my arm draping lazily across them and pointed to where she had just been. “Hand me my bag?” “You just now thinking about that bag?” She reached over, her ass in my face briefly as she pulled the chair closer to us. I smacked her thigh then gripped it. She hissed at the pain. “I’m beginning to regret this.” She said, referring to currently being beside me in bed. “You talk crazy, I punish you.” “You’re childish.” She hissed out, rubbing the spot. “That hurt.” “You like a little hurt, I think, no?” I said, darkening my voice. She chuckled dryly before tucking both of her legs under her and wrapping herself tighter in the blanket that covered her body. “I’m leaving.” “You still in the bed.” She squinted at me before fixing herself to rise up in the bed. Before she could move, I wrapped my arms around her body as tight as I could, pulling her close to me. “I’m sooooooorrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,” “Larry let me go.” Her still low tone was laced with humor as she tried to fight me off. “I have something for you though.” I said into her shoulder, my arms still wrapped tightly around her, the bag between my legs beneath me. “A present, you gonna like it.” “You have to let me go to get the present.” “Yes.” I replied, still holding on. She had begun to relax into me. “I like this more though so I wanna stay like this.” “Larry.” “Fine, you so greedy.” I teased, before releasing her. She still remained by my side, not thinking to move away. I dug to the middle of the bag, the two paper wrapped items sandwiched between layers of clothing. I placed them both in her lap, as she watched on with wide eyes and a tiny smile. “Happy… um… new apartment.” She smiled, gently unwrapping the tissue paper and revealing the two misshapen glass containers. “You always buy me candles.” She brought the beach one to her nose and sniffed it. “Damn I like this one. It smells like… ” I took her hand in mine and brought its lid to my nose to sniff. “They name it after one of the beaches in Brazil.” “And this one smells like melon?” “Yeah, the guy that make it say he cater scents to go together. They sell fruit on the beach in these little carts, these women walk through and sell. It taste good. I guess that one some kind of fruit, I don’t know.” I put my bag on the floor and rounded the bed near her. “Hand me your lighter, we light them both.” “Its in the top drawer next to you.” She motioned toward me, still keeping the candles to her nose with a small smile. “You didn’t have to get me these.” “You like them?” “Yeah, I do.” She said, pausing her sniffing. “It was sweet of you to think of me.” “I always think of you.” I said, making sure to catch the eye contact. She looked away, biting back the way she wanted to grin. I laughed quietly, opening the drawer and digging around a little until I found the lighter, in a small box, sitting next to a metal container. Right beside two nicely packed joints. “Well well well…” I jokingly interrogated her, grabbing one out of the box with the lighter and closing it again. “What might this be?” “I’m not sure.” She raised her eyebrow and shrugged with a nonchalant face. “You tell me.” “mmmhm… Looks like illegal drugs.” “Officer, I can assure you I have no idea where that came from, nor do I know what it is.” She said, giving me a baby eyed look. She batted her eyes and smilled widely. “I’ll just have to check this out.” I brought it to my nose and sniffed deeply. The familiar stench made all of this so familiar. I lit the j, then lit both candles, inhaling everything that made me feel like I was in a little pocket of home. – When I woke up, Aaliyah was already showered. She nudged me awake, her hair pulled back into a ponytail and her face still damp. She had meetings upon meetings this morning and would be swamped up until our final one before the flight back to the tour. I offered her a ride into work, which she declined up until my insistence won her over, We sat silently, letting the radio carry us to her job. Once we pulled up to the building, she paused, threatening my death if I wasn’t on time to the meeting tonight. I promised her I wouldn’t, and with that, we said our goodbyes. She turned, a small wave and a smile in my direction before she turned and walked straight inside. I switched the car into drive, before my hand fell back upon the seat Aaliyah had just been in. It was then I realized I had been gripping her knee the entire drive. I couldn’t help but smile. Ten minutes later I made it back to the hotel. A brief conversation with Lau and a shower after that, I made my move and headed out to end this Karina shit once and for all. The two boxes of pizza made my hands hot as I shifted, balancing the oversized cardboard in one hand as I knocked on the door. Quickly it opened, as Karina’s chatty voice carried into the hallway. With the phone cradled in her ear, she let me in. Quickly, she ended the call, as I made my way toward the kitchen table to free my hands. A flicker of light caught my eye, causing me to turn my head and walk toward the bathroom. A couple of candles were lit, and the smell carried along with the heat from the full bathtub. Rose petals floated in the water. It smelled amazing. “Way to ruin your surprise.” Karina said quietly behind me, before coming around and standing in between me and the doorway. Her hands traveled up my body until they wrapped around my neck, pulling me into a brief kiss. I broke it quicker than she liked, the pout on her lips indicative of that. I glanced over her bare face, slight freckles over her tanned skin, perfectly manicured eyebrows, and colored contact free eyes. She blushed under my gaze and smiled. Karina, at her best, was stunning, doting, fun. She would make someone very happy one day. That someone wouldn’t be me. “What’s all this?” My hands remained at my side as she slid hers down my shoulders and on the front of my chest and stomach, before stopping to link her fingers into my belt loops affectionately. “Well…” She said, guiding me back toward the kitchen where our food waited, “I know how much you hate flying, how tense you get after. You’ve been busting your ass on the tour and you’re probably exhausted.” Karina nodded to the table for me to sit down before reaching up into her cabinets and grabbing two glasses. She filled mine with sprite, and her own with wine as she continued speaking. “So, I figured you deserved a little something special. I ran you a bath, and after we eat, we can get you clean, massage you down,” She paused, placing my drink down and delivering me another peck on the lips. “And maybe we can both have a little desert.” “K, You-” “Don’t worry about a thing, babe.” She winked as she sat down. “Did you grab the cheese and peppers?” I dug into my pocket, pulling out the tiny packet’s I’d grabbed for us and she reached over, grabbing one of each. While she delicately covered her slice, I did so wrecklessly before diving in. To be honest, I was stalling. I thought this would be easier, I never had a problem cutting someone off before, and a lot of times these women knew what was up. But Karina was different. She really put the work in for me to see her as someone other than just a casual fling I entertained. There were times I’d even forgotten her place myself. Knowing her, especially after her last outburst, this wouldn’t be easy. “Notice anything different?” She asked, before taking a small bite of the crust of her pizza. Her eyes looked around the apartment and I followed her gaze, glancing around and still seeing the same space. Something was different, but I couldn’t fully place what. “Kind of.” “Kind of?” She asked unbelievingly. “You make fun of all the girly shit in my apartment all the time and you only kind of noticed it was gone?” “Oh shit.” I glanced over at the grey and pale pink curtains, no longer purple ombre-ed one’s from before. The oversized, bright pillows were replaced with more neutral colors, greys like the curtains, dark blue like the rug. The white couch still stood but it looked more delicate than before. It was nice, calm. “You change shit up. Its cool.” “You like it?” I shrugged. “I mean, yeah. I’m surprised you do it though.” “Yeah.” She nodded, taking another bite. “Its taking some getting used to.” “What make you wanna change?” I asked, following suit except my bites were much bigger. “I wanted it to be more… unisex.” She said, taking a sip of the dark red wine. I couldn’t see what it was, but knowing her it was likely a simple merlot. “You know… not just super girly.” “You like girly though.” “Yeah… but I wanted it to be comfortable.” I scrunched my face a little in between bites. “You no comfortable before? Its you place, you the only one have to be-” “Larry you sound jealous.” She teased. I kissed my teeth without thinking and squinted. “Its you place, you like it how you like it, you do what you want with it.” “Larry, damn you just ruining all the surprises today huh.” “What you talking about?” “I was thinking.” She said, chewing her pizza quickly and wiping the grease from her lips and fingers. “After tour is over you could come stay with me.” My eyes widened and I grabbed my soda, helping the pizza caught in my throat go down. “You come back to New York every time you get a break anyway, why not come and stay with me? You’re here all the time, and I think it would be nice to come home instead of going to a hotel.” “This not home.” I paused, realizing how harsh that sounded. “My home. This you home.” “You know what I mean.” She said slightly offended still. “plus, you’ll have a piece of Paris here once I order this giant ass Eifel Tower decal I saw on etsy.” “Decal?” “Its like a giant wall sticker, I thought it was cute. I think I want to put it on the wall that’s between here and the living room.” “That’s corny.” She kissed her teeth before taking another bite. “Well shit, I won’t get it then.” “If you like it, get it.” She rolled her eyes. “Karina, you don’t have to change shit up for me. Stop do that shit.” “I just want you to see that I’m serious about us-” “Karina, this you pla-” We spoke over each other, my frustration and her annoyance at my attitude toward it all. “Look, whatever.” She took another sip and walked toward the bottle, topping herself off again. “Let’s just not worry about it now. Its an option, but you don’t have to stay here. I don’t why you wouldn’t want to, considering you just stay with your brother in hotels but whatever…” “Karina -” “Just, think about it, okay?” I nodded, though I wouldn’t. The answer was no. “So, how’s tour?” I shrugged, stuffing my mouth though I really wasn’t that hungry. Last night left me full to the brim with food and with appreciation. “Busy.” I said through a mouth full of bread and cheese. “Shit crazy but, I like it.” “You remember my friend Melanie?” I shook my head no, continuing what I was doing. I could feel my phone buzzing in my pocket.“ Light skin, green eyes, looong long black hair?” I briefly ran through her friends that I knew. I’d met a lot of them but didn’t commit them to memory. Melanie… Melanie… oh shit. Melanie was the ugly one with the fat ass. She had tried to fuck me a couple years ago and was always smiling in my face when Karina brought her around. “Kind of.” My phone chimed in my pocket, distracting me. “She’s friends with Sarah!” Who the fuck was Sarah? Karina could see the confusion on my face and rolled her eyes. My phone vibrated again, and I glanced at it, seeing texts from Lau. “I fuck roy UP in basketball”“ Lau sent, followed by laughing emojis. ”Damn that nigga suck.“ I replied. "Sarah on tour with you, from Austr-” “Huh?” “You asked me who Sarah was, she’s on tour with you.” “Oh, that Sarah.” I nodded, sitting back in my chair. I was full as shit and now over all of this. I really wanted to sleep, and as much as I wanted to get out of here, I also knew Karina’s bed was comfortable as shit. “How you know Sarah?” To be honest, she and I weren’t super familiar. She was really only close with white Kim, she kept to herself while all the rest of the girls were cool and fun. She was good at dance, like modern shit, and she never gave any problems as far as work was involved, she just wasn’t as friendly with all the rest of the dancers. “Are you listening to me? I told you Melanie knows her.” I nodded, glancing down again at the three dots signaling Lau’s response beginning. “Anyway she said Sarah was telling her about how busy she had been and how the -” “Yeah, we gonna play one more game I think then I’m going to Leslie’s for a minute.” “Damn I wanted to try to see her before we left.” “Nigga I’m not waiting on you.” Lau replied quickly. I put the phone to my ear after pressing his contact number. “Lau come on man.” “Are you even listening to me?” “Larry, I’m not waiting for you, handle your bullshit.” “Leslie est mon ami, Je veux aller aussi” (Leslie is my friend too, I want to come.) “Larry, you slow, no!” “attends-moi! j'arrive dans une heure.” (Wait for me, I’ll be there in an hour.“) "Larry you fucking crazy, man, no! a plus tard.” (See you later.) “Lau!” I called out before he ended the call. I kissed my teeth, considering calling him back. “Larry!” Karina yelled over me. “Really?” “What?” “I was telling you a story and you took a call in the middle of me speaking, what the fuck?” “My bad,” I finished off my soda and wiped my mouth. “It was important.” “Who the fuck is Leslie?” “What?” I yawned deeply. “You heard me nigga.” “Why you asking me this?” “What’s with you, Larry. Be honest.” She paused, calming herself down. “You barely answer my calls anymore, we never talk.”

I sighed, wiping my hands and sitting back. “You’re not even giving me anything right now, look at you! Shit’s been different since last time you were here.” “Last time I was here?” I asked in disbelief. “You mean… when I came in town for my work party that you acted an ass at?” “I didn’t act an-” “You came in drunk.” I motioned to her second glass of wine that was almost empty. “You push me, act crazy and get loud by the bathrooms where anyone could see.”

I was annoyed, I couldn’t believe she was sitting here questioning me about bullshit when I came into this trying to have a peaceful moment to end on. Clearly she wanted a fight.

I’d give her one. “Oh please, it wasn’t that big of a deal, no one saw me.” She brushed me off, taking another sip. I shook my head bitterly. “You can’t still be mad about that, it was weeks ago. Maybe if you’d answer my calls I could apologize.” “You do all that, you come in with an attitude, you talk shit to Aaliy-” “THERE IT IS!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands together with a laugh. “There the fuck it is. I knew it! I knew you were fucking with that bitch agai-” “Watch you mouth, Karina.” “Don’t fucking tell me to watch my mouth.” “You don’t talk for her like that.” I yelled back. “Don’t defend that bitch in my house!” “Yo, fuck this. You crazy.” “I’m crazy?” She asked, her head cocked to the side and her hair flopping with every motion she made. “I’m crazy?” “Look at youself!” I bit back. “You sitting here asking me about someone who work with us, someone who gonna be a part of my world for a long time, you jealous for her and you know she not going anywhere. You never gonna get over that shit so you might as well just let it go.” “You are so full of shit Larry, honestly. You think I’m stupid or something?” “Karina look at us.” she shook her head, downing the last of her glass. “Seriously. What we doing here? Why we doing all of this? Arguing, for what?” “We’re arguing because you can’t commit!” “When I ever tell you I want to commit to you?” I countered quickly. Her face broke and she dropped her head down swiftly, inhaling deeply. I almost felt guilty, but I couldn’t. Karina knew what the deal was. It wasn’t my fault that she tried to push it too far. Her bitter laugh took me away from my thoughts. “Larry, what do you think this is?” “What is?” “This.” she motioned between us with two fingers. “Us. What do you think we’ve been doing for the past couple months? Hmm? Tell me.” Her voice was calm, gone all of the sexy pretenses she normally tried to give, gone was the flirtation that laced every word. This was her, true and pure. It was unfamiliar. Cold. “We been hanging out.” She scoffed. “That’s all?” “What you want me to say, Karina?” “The truth. I want you to be honest with yourself, since you clearly can’t be honest with me.” “Huh?” “Larry don’t you see?” She asked, sitting back in her chair. “All this time, we’ve been building something together. You and I are perfect, and you’re an idiot if you don’t recognize that” “Karina, you out of your mind.” “Think about it.” I shook my head, sighing and before I could stand up, she continued. “You met me and ever since then we’ve been rocking together. I make things easy for you. You want a sex kitten, I am that for you. You want someone beautiful on your arm? Boom, there I am. You want someone to dote on you and be there for you and that has been me.” I thought about her words, getting frustrated at her insistence that she was mine. “You wanted fun, I gave you fun. You wanted freedom, I gave you that too. You don’t think I know about all the girls you fucked while you were on tour?” I looked at her, shocked. I was always clean about my bullshit. No one knew. Not even the fans and they made careers out of figuring out Lau and I’s fuckery. “Damn you really didn’t think I knew.” She rose to her feet, grabbing an unfinished bottle of white wine and removing the cork, finishing that off too. Her snicker was patronizing, which annoyed me. But I was speechless. “I don’t know if I’m more offended that you thought I was that dumb, or more confused at how dense you are about your own life. You’re so blind. It’s almost funny.” “Karina, you really on some crazy shit. Look at you.” Her bitter laughter was muffled by the bottle she placed to her lips. “I mean for real,” I continued. “Why we even doing this? I make you act this way? Why you want to be with me if it make you crazy like this?” She paused, leaning forward and placing her hand on my arm. “You saught me out, even if you don’t want to admit it. I’ve been everything you wanted and had no clue you wanted because you were missing out.” The robe that covered her body slid open and while I was always attracted to her smooth and soft skin, I was so confused by what was going on, so pissed that I’d even gotten involved, and so annoyed that I was here that I couldn’t even appreciate it. “Larry, as twisted as all of this sounds you are perfect for me. You are.” She rounded the chair I sat in, causing me to catch our reflection in the window across from me. “and the sooner you realize that I’m perfect for you, the easier all of this will be.” Her arms wrapped around my shoulders and I shrugged her off, rising to my feet quickly. She stepped back only slightly, blocking the entry. “Rina, we done, okay? Done.” “No, we aren’t.” “Yo, you crazy.” “So what?” She replied back quickly, turning her head. “Look I know what this is all about. You think I don’t know that you’ve been talking to Aaliyah again?” “She has nothing to do with this.” She had everything to do with this. “Oh please.” Karina said, still firmly planted in front of the doorway. “You know what, I almost feel bad for the bitch-”

“Watch you mouth.” I bit back.

“Because she deserves better than you. She does.” Karina paused, shaking her head with a look of disgust behind her eyes that she couldn’t control. “When I first met her I thought… damn… I’ve seen Larry’s exes before, this one is different. She’s got something else going on… and it wasn’t just because she didn’t look like the rest of us, type wise. I mean she’s cute but… she wasn’t what I expected. I just assumed she had more depth and was strong, that maybe you were intimidated by her or something, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know anything you talk about right now.”

“I could tell that you liked her, and that she liked you, I could tell from the first night I saw you in that club, all over her in the balcony. But instead… you left with me.”

I remembered that night vividly. That was the night that everything changed between us and as much as I’d like to say Aaliyah and I had moved past that night… there was still so much to be said. I’d pushed that night aside in my mind because I felt so guilty for the way I handled it all.

“At the end of the night, you were with me. So I couldn’t help but assume you were in my hands. But then I met her at the workshop and … I don’t get it. She was… soft. Timid. I mean sure she put on a front, I have to hand it to her, she refused to let me see her sweat. She didn’t even flinch when I spoke of you, how intimate we were. I even told her you talked about her to me.”

“I never-”

“Of course you never talked about her. That’s not the point. The look on her face when I said that told it all. She was soft as fucking cotton and me asserting my importance over her hurt her deep.”

“I’m leaving yo, you fucking crazy.”

“I even text her ass to never talk to you again and she still letting your ass come around.”

“You do what?” I yelled back, getting closer to Karina, but she didn’t back down.

“You think I didn’t know your ass was in town with her last night? I saw pictures!”

“What did you text her?” I yelled over her story.

“You think you so slick, calling me like oh baby I just got to town-”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY.”

“DON’T FUCKING YELL AT ME!” she screamed back. “WHO CARES WHAT I SAID. SHE STILL FUCKING AROUND WITH YOU REGARDLESS.”

Both of us breathing heavily in the room was the only sound, other than the rush of the city.

“You’re here, with me. Here! In my home. I took you in like nothing ever happened because I know things are supposed to work with us. Because I see the vision.”

“You took-”

“I guarantee you she wouldn’t be singing the same tune if she knew you were here right now.” She paused, before I could reply. “And there is nothing you can say to me that would make me believe otherwise.”

“I’m done with this shit.”

“Don’t you see? She couldn’t handle me, me?!” She repeats herself incredulously, frustrated by my lack of understanding. I couldn’t help but stare at her, completely at a loss for words. “There are so many other women out there that are worse, that could say and do much worse than I did that one day and she can’t even handle it as your manager, let alone your chick? Come on, she’s not strong enough for you.”

“Karina, stop talking.”

“Shes not!” She yelled, pushing me. “She’s nothing! She can’t handle this shit, she just can’t!”

“Karina, move.” I was seething, my head pounding with the blood rushing to it and the clench of my teeth. I couldn’t stand here and listen to her any more.

I started to blank out her words more and more, getting frustrated and yet somehow also speechless.

“She is NOTHING.” She roared, shoving into me as hard as she could with a yell. I grabbed at her hands which had instantly begun a massive assault, hitting me as quickly and as forcefully as she could. “She is nothing why don’t you see that?!”

“YOU’RE NOTHING.” I yelled back, frustrated, but my voice finally made her pause which gave me enough time to get my grip on her wrists before she could continue. For a tiny girl her punches definitely weren’t soft, and I had to stop her before she could do any damage. I was sick of the shit, simply put. This had to end.

I shoved her against the wall. Our faces were close enough to where I could feel her heavy breaths against my lips. My chest heaved as we both eyed each other down.

Before I knew it, our lips were connected.

Karina’s hand came up and fisted my hair, tugging me closer, and before I knew it, the taste of the wine that still lingered in her mouth filled my own.

Oddly enough, that was the sobering moment I needed.

I ripped my body away from hers, giving her my back and trying to regulate my breathing, confused at how our stand off had come to this point.

“Don’t you see, Larry?” her voice was softer than before. I could see her reflection in the window in front of me, and could see a slight smile cross her lips. “We can’t stop this. We’re magnets for each other.”

I took a deep breath, considering her words briefly before giving her my face. I expected her grin, but I hadn’t expected a… sort of softness. A vulnerability. She was serious about this.

About me.

I had to end this. Now.

“You wanna know why I don’t want you, why I not can commit to you? Because its always gonna be Aaliyah. No matter what, no matter who come, I gonna think about her and I gonna want her more.” I laced each and every word with passion, putting my all into letting Karina know the deal. I’d had enough of this shit. My goal here was to end this and leave calmly and cooly. But this had gone too far. I couldn’t be nice anymore.

I didn’t give a fuck.

“She everything, I care for her more than anyone. Aaliyah always gonna be first.” I said quietly but sternly. “You nothing. Not to me. You think I need you? Please. I do whatever I want with you then I move on. You filling space. You will never mean to me half of what she does.”

With a bite of her lip and glossy eyes, she dropped her head, shaking it and her shoulders rose. I didn’t even feel bad as fucked up as it sounded. She’d taken me far enough to where my emotions couldn’t be triggered. I let go of the grip I had on her wrists and looked at her once more, before turning around to the chair I had been sitting in to grab my jacket.

“You’re more delusional than I thought you were.” I wasn’t expecting her voice to be as clear as it was. I assumed she had been crying, but the astonishment that covered her face and the dry chuckle that continued to leave her lips told me otherwise. “You care about her? She ‘you everything’?”

Her tone mimicked my still broken english as she carelessly tightened her robe closed before crossing her arms over her chest. Her head was tossed to the side as she eyed me down. Weirdly enough she made me feel small just with this look.

“You don’t give a shit about her, Larry.” she said matter of factly. “You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.”

“Fuck you.” I bit back.

“You don’t give a shit about her, her little crippled friend, your punk ass brother, no one. You only care about your fucking self and you can see it in everything you do and in every single move you make. You’re so far up your own ass that you don’t even see it.”

My tongue went dry. She spewed so much frustration at me and while I wanted to defend myself, tell her off, let her know she was completely mistaken in her assessment of me, I couldn’t even move to say anything.

I was frozen in my silence.

“The least you could do is make these moves consciously but damn nigga you really think you’re just out here being a fucking patron saint. You’re a whole ass joke my nigga. Real talk.” She paused, leaning against the doorway instead of placing herself directly in the middle of it. I found it insane that not five minutes ago she was physically attacking me and now she was a picture of calm fury. Her eyebrows furrowed intensely, nostrils flared, and her normally smooth light brown skin was reddened and likely burning hot. Her chest rose and fell quickly.

It took the assessment to notice that I was in the same boat as her. While I hadn’t physically done anything my anger was still very present and obvious, yet in the heat I was still somehow stuck.

“From the very moment you met me you have only looked out for yourself. You care for Aaliyah? How?” She continued, stepping toward me with every few words. “The night we met, you cock blocked her at the club, left her to flirt with me, basically chased her out crying, and came back, only to get some sort of an earful from her that led you to me at the end of it all.”

I huffed, recalling her perspective of the night. I had no clue she’d seen all that, no clue how closely she had been watching.

“You care about her so much… but I guarantee you weren’t thinking about her when you were fucking me. You took every bit of frustration out on my body, but you care so much about her, right?”

She motioned to her physique and I recoiled despite my body’s natural inclination to remember the rough shit we’d done that night. The sensuality in her voice when she delivered that line told me her intent. My chest began to ache.

“Oh wait… what about the time I picked you up from the airport and instead of going up to the hospital where her friend laid there almost dying, you and I went back to your place…” She paused, tilting her head to the side and scoffing. “The place she shared with you and Lau, and had sex, laid up together, went to my place, and did the same thing all over again. What about then, Larry?”

She said, grabbing the wine bottle and taking a deep breath before gulping down more of its contents. “Did you care so much for her then?”

While she sipped more I swallowed despite my mouth bring completely dry. “Do I need to continue? Because as pissed as you were to see me at the party you damn sure did your best to rub it in that I was there before you got frustrated and followed her around. Oh yeah. You care so much.” She finished the contents of her glass, maintaining eye contact the entire time. “Selfish fuck.”

Somehow, my mouth had finally rediscovered it’s ability to move and the communication between my brain and my tongue actually functioned. “You talk so much for nothing. You know nothing about me, about her, about anything in my life.”

“I know more than you think. Despite it all I’m here for you and I’m willing to try and make this work. No one else will be willing to endure like I am. No one. You can be the real you with me. I get the relationship exposure I want, you get the sex kitten and doting woman by your side ready to drop any and everything to be with you. It’s perfect, and the sooner you realize this the better it will be for everyone.”

My feet no longer felt like lead. I decided to move with the feeling, grabbing my jacket and walking toward the door without even so much as a goodbye.

“If you cant do it for yourself do it for Aaliyah.” I paused, spinning around to face her, annoyed that Karina had yet again felt like it was okay to bring her up. “For what its worth, she seems like a sweet girl. Let her off easily. She deserves more than you, let her find someone who will give her something better than a bunch of women making her feel insecure and a nigga that can only pretend to love her.”

With that, I couldn’t take anymore. I shook my head and made the final steps to the door and exited quickly, slamming it in the process.

As much as I hated to admit it, Karina had bested me. It felt like the sharpest knife had pricked a hole in my Achilles heel, leaving a slow leak of blood in my path, breaking me down bit by bit.

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