butterflies-ndut

[butterflies-ndut]

What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you.

Jeanette Winterson

[butterflies-ndut]

“I have never felt the touch of falling snow, she said, but like love, I know it exists.”

— Michael Faudet

[butterflies-ndut]

Carol Ann Duffy, ‘Hour’, Rapture

[butterflies-ndut]

I don’t know what I was expecting. How could you, with your sunshine smile, kind eyes, and quiet laughter; you, newly in love with Her, ready for forever, ever want someone like me? Me, who is not beautiful, delicate, or desirable; me, mouth full of glass, stuttering kneecaps, and shaking hands; who has nothing left to offer but sadness. Of course you would never love someone like me, because there’s nothing to love.

silly, silly girl. by (DS)

[butterflies-ndut]

All we ever wanted was to save each other, but all we did was destroy one another.

I’m so sorry, love (9/30) by (ds)

[butterflies-ndut]

note to self: maybe they don’t love you the way you want them to. maybe they don’t see their future when they look into your eyes, and your laugh isn’t their favorite sound. maybe they don’t compare you to the moon and stars, and reach for you during the night. maybe they don’t love you the way you want, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you at all; nor does it mean you are not worthy of love. just because they don’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean no one will. 

(12/30) by (ds)

[butterflies-ndut]

I know we weren’t good for each other; I know we would have only destroyed one another. But, god damn, I wanted to make it work; I would have given everything to watch every sunset with you.

(17/30) by (ds)

[butterflies-ndut]

I remember the day I realized I lost you; I remember waking up, groggy, dreading the day to come, and being hit by the stark realization that we haven’t spoken in eight months. No good morning texts to make sure I made it through the night; no “I love you” reminders to pull me back towards the light. Eight months of silence. Eight months of pretending that you were just busy, and everything was okay. I’ve spent every day since pretending I’m not plagued by your memory, of what could have been; pretending that every poem I write isn’t for you.

unsent letters (2/30) by (ds)

[butterflies-ndut]

“I hope one day, when you’re drinking your morning coffee, you remember the color of my eyes and I hope it makes you bitter.”

— Things I realized when I understood you were never coming back, part IX

[butterflies-ndut]

I’m going on a date with someone new today. He’s been reaching out to me for the last couple of months and I am just barely giving the attention back. In all honestly? I’m excited - elated even. I have butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t felt those since you and I were together. He is on his way right now. You used to know him, we’ve gone to parties with him before. Tonight, I won’t think about you at all.

He’s not you and for once I am relieved.

[butterflies-ndut]

Game of Thrones + in memoriam: Cersei Lannister - I don’t care about checking my worst impulses, I don’t care about making the world a better place. Hang the world.

[butterflies-ndut]

May 13th, 2019

Somewhere in the near future, somebody is gonna treat me better than you ever did.

Somebody will support me through my darkest nights, and he would be grateful that i took care of him in his hard times.

We would talk and communicate about problems we faced; whether it’s financial, travelling, marriage, kids, problems we faced with each others’ family, to the simplest topic of what should we do next so can we be happy with ourselves and where we’re at life?

We would help those in need, donate and volunteer every weekends to causes we believe in.

We would have an understanding. We would understand each other, and we would enjoy each others’ company beyond just sexual compatibility.

And his family will love me unconditionally, treating me with an even bigger respect than yours ever was.

This person will come, and not only amplifying my security but he would make me wonder why i allowed myself to be treated the way i did.

[butterflies-ndut]

I hope one day he will talk to someone and wish he has been talking to me the whole time instead.

[butterflies-ndut]

May 9th, 2019

I miss you.

3 words that’s not enough to sum up how i feel, but no other words can describe it.

I’d cried. Because I wasn’t sure if i was okay. I wasn’t sure what i feel. But a little more of you was what made me feel just a little bit better.

I knew you’d talk to others, the way i talked to others. Yours filled with sex jokes, mine filled with future plans. But the truth is nobody can replace you yet, and i wish the same for you to me too.

You wanted to be free for longer, flirtatious talks and light conversation.

I wanted to settle down, house, family and everything in between.

We were 19, fills with hopes and dreams of older days. Suddenly we’re 23, we started to need to take life seriously. Dead end jobs and got bills to pay. Insecurities and enemies we never learned to face.

Somewhere along the way, we’re the same 19 years old dressing up in suit and tie getup with no idea how to move forward. Emotions running wild like a horse we never learned how to tame. Once each other’s wings, we become rocks that settled at the bottom of the sea.

But nothing stops the fact that it hurts, that loving and unloving you hurts. That meeting you all those years ago hurts. That knowing i am unable to own you hurts.

And the only thing that stops the hurts was a little more of you to go on.

[butterflies-ndut]

your relationship doesn’t have to be toxic to be a bad one. it can be unfulfilling, exhausting, loveless. and someone doesn’t have to be terrible to you for you to leave them. if you aren’t primarily happy in your relationship, you have a valid reason to not be in it. don’t beat yourself up because your situation “could be worse.” if it isn’t what you want, you don’t have to stay in it.

[butterflies-ndut]

““Doesn’t it scare you sometimes how time flies and nothing changes?””

— Antologi Rasa - Ika Natassa (pg. 31)

[butterflies-ndut]

I am heartbroken.