butchervanityxxx

[butchervanityxxx]

I don't have energy to talk to anyone anymore. Am I going to die alone..?

[butchervanityxxx]

Never enough never the favorite never good.

[butchervanityxxx]

And the fact he tried to brush it off like it was nothing makes me even SICKER. I'm trying so hard not to split on him and im trying so hard not to hate him because he is all I have and I no longer can live if he's not around. I hate everything !!!!!

[butchervanityxxx]

Why did he mention they were fucking every night when he can't even give that to me ? Why did he mention he liked it ? I feel like I want to puke !!!!

[butchervanityxxx]

UGHHHHH WHY why why why did he have someone else !!!!!! Why was he messing around with others !!!! Why was he speaking about them and about how much he liked it in this manner ?!?!?! My heart is sinking and HURTS

[butchervanityxxx]

I miss the time I could black out and no one would care and tbh I shouldve died at these times that would've made things easier for everyone ☺️☺️☺️

[butchervanityxxx]

Idk what's scarier; the fact I'm absolutely intoxicated rn, the fact i have NOTHING to lose, or both ?

[butchervanityxxx]

I'm tired of having to prove myself to everyone. Of having to show that I've changed when everyone else can just go on with their lives and be accepted without effort. Why do I have to show im better ? Why do I even need to change and be better ? Why can't people like me?

I don't know what happened. What changed my brain chemistry.

Im done...

[butchervanityxxx]

Why can't I be anyone's first choice, or anyone's favorite ? Why can't i be the ride or die ? I just want to be loved as much as I love everyone else. I want this warmth and i want this love i want to give it out and have some of it too

[butchervanityxxx]

At least when I sleep, I don't feel anything.

[butchervanityxxx]

But i can't be sad. I can't be anxious. I cant be upset I can't be anything. I carry the world on my shoulders.

This smells like cutting in the bathrooms during lunch breaks and putting on a fake smile because I cannot be depressed. I cannot be upset. People rely on me.

Why do they even rely on me ?

[butchervanityxxx]

When I log back to this tumblr I just know I'm tilting back to shit haha...

[butchervanityxxx]

It's all my fault. It's my fault and I don't mean it. I just want to be loved.

[butchervanityxxx]

I hate myself so much I can't do this anymore

[butchervanityxxx]

I'll never improve enough to have people loving me

[butchervanityxxx]

I really am too much and I drive everyone away from me. I should just kill myself tbh.

[butchervanityxxx]

I want to relapse so bad