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I have the biggest dick in 40 square miles

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Petition for a comic that’s just the Joker vs. a bunch of frighteningly competent normal arse clowns who have gone temporarily vigilante for the sole purpose of taking the Joker down for his repeated violations of the clown code.

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unoriginal joke

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Prompt 289

While Bruce was lost in time, he made a Deal. 

He doesn’t exactly mention it to his family when he comes back- he was more than a little busy trying to figure out what he missed, where his children were, what the fuck had even happened. Besides, he’d put it in the report that he’d encountered some sort of primordial time being- even if he was still investigating that on his down time. 

So he thinks he can be forgiven for forgetting to mention anything until Clark drops a cup while staring at him with a pale expression and shakily asks why there’s a second, slower heartbeat in his chest. He just also wishes it wasn’t in the middle of a League meeting. 

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I heard you won stupidest cock at the sex olympics

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Idek I woke up at 4am with this on my mind.

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MORE Mechanisms as textposts? Preposterous! (Part 4.) Shortening to 5 per post so image IDs are less daunting for me

Image IDs are under the cut, but if that causes issues tell me and I will move them! I can also move them to the alt text if that is better.

( Part 3 )

[ID one] An image of Drumbot Brian and Ashes O'Reilly on stage. Brian is leaning towards Ashes, saying or singing something into the microphone. Ashes is giving him the side-eye. The post above them is from Tumblr users "Imaonade" and "mirio," with lmaonade's parts above Brian and mirio's above Ashes. The posts read: "(lmaonade) good news they are sending me to space" "(mirio) what is the bad news" "(lmaonade) they are sending me to die" [end ID]

[ID two] An image of Jonny d'Ville standing outside of an old brick building. He is lighting a cigarette. The post above him is by Tumblr user "neutralcocacola" and reads, "everything else is boring I'm just gonna start killing people" [end ID]

[ID three] An image of Raphaella la Cognizi and Drumbot Brian standing in a field. Raphaella is smiling at Brian, who is staring into the camera with a perplexed look on his face. On this image is a text conversation, with the blue side attributed to Brian and the grey attributed to Raphaella. The conversation goes: "(blue) can we......" "(blue again) get a cat (analog heart emoji)" "(grey) i'll make one" "(blue) what" "(grey) it'll be another experiment" "(blue) why can't you just be normal for once" [end ID]

[ID four] An image of Ashes O'Reilly, leaning casually against a brick wall with peeling paint and smiling. The post above them is by Tumblr user "kiera--b" and reads, "my primary gender is known but I have other secret genders you unlock via gifting me things and navigating my dialog tree" [end ID]

[ID five] An image of Marius von Raum, standing on stage, holding a violin in one hand. His eyes are closed. The post above him is by Tumblr user "tomwambsgirl" and reads, "fundamentally i am a petty and mean-spirited person who is also a chill, laidback guy. basically everything is cool with me except for the fact i am irritable and hold grudges. so i'm kind of a weird standoffish dude but yeah i think i'm pretty approachable and friendly" [end ID]

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Out of Context Stuff for a Danyal Al Ghul au i haven't posted - Pit Beast Danyal

Damian, 13: Look, Danyal, -- I am so sorry for everything that happened between us in the League, I hope you can forgive me.

Danny, 10 (allegedly): (has been secretly plotting to murder Damian this whole time, is still gonna do it obvs, but is going to make it significantly less painful now)

Danny: I-- of course, older brother. :]

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Bruce: what do you have there, Damian?

Damian:

Danny: (a hulking 10ft pit beast standing beside him, growling idly with ram horns gouging out his eyes and a second set of horns jutting into the air, spines down his back, and a long, spiked tail with an animalistic, skull-like face)

Damian, who smuggled him in (they've made amends): a smoothie, father

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Damian: this is my little brother Danyal, i murdered him when he was five. He festered in rage for the last half-a decade, took over a League mountain base in Switzerland, murdered everyone inside and then tried to murder me when I went to investigate with Drake.

Danny: hello!

Damian: we're cool now

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Damian: thoughts on resurrection

Danny, (a full ghost): i will succeed in murdering you if you try it

Damian: we'll put a pin in it then

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Danny (still instilled with League values): why don't we just murder him??

Damian, on patrol (Danny followed him): we don't murder people, Danyal

Danyal:,,,,are you sick, Dami?? Have you been possessed? Why not!?

(There is raucous laughing through the comms)

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Danny, five, pre-death: Dami! :D

Danny, dead, vengeful: Older brother (:

Danny, post-forgiveness: Dami! :]

-------

For some actual context: Danny is fully dead in this au, its a result of the classic DPxDC Demon Twins "death duel" trope but instead of Danny getting revived, he stays fully dead. Danny was five, Damian was seven. His ghost lingered though, and due to the proximity of the pits his ghost steadily absorbed the ambient energy it was letting off. The pits are not corrupted ectoplasm in this au, it's just liquid ecto.

Which means Danny's corruption from an angry and hurt little ghost boy to an unrecognizable monster is from his own doing. It's a result of him stewing in his hurt and anger for years, it physically warped him. He's very powerful. Danny can travel between League Bases but chose a small, out-of-the-way base in the Swiss mountains to fester in and then just. Never Left.

His influence steeped into the very foundations of the building, allowing him to transform and warp the rooms and hallways for his own bidding, Meaning he could turn it into a seemingly unending labyrinth if he so wished to, and block the entrance.

Eventually, blinded (both metaphorically and physically) by his own rage, Danny grew powerful enough to appear physically in the living realm and attacked everyone in the base, slaughtering them all and leaving the base abandoned. He attacks anyone who dares enter -- whether that be other league members, or the unfortunate hiker who stumbled across the base. His conscious is steeped into every nook and cranny of the building, there is nowhere you can hide where he can't find. Nobody leaves without his explicit say so. Nobody ever does.

Him appearing as ten years old before Damian in the skits above is his own physical doing. First it was to prevent Damian from being suspicious of him. Damian initially thought Danny was revived with the pits, he was too busy with his own training afterwards to notice that Danny never showed up again, and when he did notice, he assumed it was because Danny was too ashamed of his loss to face him. He'd always forget to ask about him.

Then it becomes a personal choice to appear as ten. It's how old he would've been had he been alive.

danny forgiving Damian is kinda for an offshoot branch of the main au. Whereas the main au takes the form of a ps4 first person horror game where Damian and Tim are investigating the Base for Plot Reasons. There's no sign of the rumored "monster" living inside until the end, where Danny, who was found inside the Base and has been happily "helping" them look around, manages to persuade Damian into splitting off from Tim in order to "show him something."

This something turns out to be Danny revealing that he never really forgave Damian for that fight, and he reveals through a horrifying transformation, that he was the monster the whole time. Which the game subtly hints at throughout as Danny's strange behavior becomes harder to ignore.

First from his insistence to only refer to Damian as "older brother" (when before the duel he always called him Damian or Dami), to him right off the bat denying the existence of a monster when questioned. ("There's no monster here, older brother. It's just me.") To other various things, like his knowledge of the outside world not matching up to modern times or things going on with the league outside of the base, or what happened to the other league members.

This whole idea was inspired by the song "Scylla" from Epic the Musical, with Danyal being the voice of Scylla as well as Odysseus, while Damian stands as Eurylochus. The instrumentals after Scylla says "hello" is him turning into the pit beast, and Scylla's "drown in your sorrow and fears" part is danny, as the pit beast, snarling at Damian while he attacks him.

There's a Good Ending, a Bad Ending, and a True Ending. The Bad Ending results in Damian being killed by Danny, it happens when Damian decides not to question or suspect Danny and treats him kindly. The Bad Ending is a cutscene, where Danny kills Damian quick and painlessly.

Meanwhile the Good Ending is Damian killing Danny. This is a boss fight, and it happens when Damian treats Danny coldly and suspiciously the whole time. Danny as a result, decides to make Damian's death painful as he had planned to, which is why it's a boss fight because it only causes him to double down on his anger.

The True Ending is Damian escapes with Tim. It happens when you treat Danny warmly up until the last minute, where when Danny proposes to Damian that he wants to show him something, Damian goes to talk to Tim and finally, reluctantly agrees that something is off with Danny, and that he'll be careful going in. It starts off with the boss fight until a third through, where it then changes to a cutscene where Tim manages to get the door open and Damian escapes out. It's then a chase scene down a never-ending hallway as the building actively works to keep you trapped inside. But you eventually make it to the exit so long as you avoid all the projectiles and doors.

Remember when I mentioned that Danny only lets people leave when he wants them to? That's where the treating Danny kindly throughout the game comes into play. It causes him to second guess himself and, eventually, reawaken and strengthen the love and admiration he had for Damian prior to his murder. It's why in the Bad Ending he kills Damian quickly -- because by then, he loves him enough that he doesn't want him to suffer, but is still so consumed by his rage and need for vengeance that he kills him anyways. That quiet part is what allows Damian (and Tim) to find the exit, because some part of Danny still loves Damian enough that he wants him to live.

The True Ending ends with a cutscene of Damian and Tim tumbling out into the snow/grass outside of the base. Damian looks up back to the entrance to see Danny standing there. But rather than a ten year old boy, there's a little five year old Danyal Al Ghul instead. He stares at Damian emotionlessly, blood seeping from his chest, staining his clothes, and little, bloody sword in his hands and tearstains on his cheeks, before he turns away and disappears back into the building.

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“So let me get this straight. We’re here to rescue a princess.”

“That’s right.”

“At the request of a princess.”

“Right again.”

“And you, who will be leading the expedition, are also a princess.”

“You’re very perceptive.”

“How big is your royal family, again?“

“We don’t have one.”

“But–“

“We overthrew our monarchy centuries ago, but we kept most of the titles around. The rank of ‘princess’ is held by the directors in charge of various civil service branches.“

“Huh. And the princess we’re rescuing today is in charge of…?”

“Public sanitation.”

“The Lord of Death’s Dominion kidnapped your public sanitation director?”

“We think he’s a little confused.”

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went to the nurse and i was like i need a period product. and they go. we are in the male ward. and I'm like i have a uterus. and they process it so slowly and they're like. do. do. you want a yorkie bar. will this help with the gender dysphoria. and i'm like ...you know what. sure.

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"Call dibs! Call dibs!!"

Green Arrow isn't sure what that means, or who the white haired meta teenager barreling towards him is, but because of that desperate plea he knows not to shoot.

Then the teenager goes through him, and stops directly behind him, using him as a shield as another meta, this one dressed like a vampire or something stops in front of Green Arrow.

"Daniel, enough. I am willing to take the task of educating-"

"Dibs."

Green Arrow blinks.

The vampire blinks.

"Beg pardon?" The vampire asks.

"Dibs. I call dibs." Green Arrow repeats.

He has...a vague idea that he's probably calling dibs on the kid behind him, for hero training purposes if the jumpsuit is anything to go by. Honestly, he hadn't even meant to say dibs, he'd just heard the vampire guys voice and hated it so much he called it.

"You have no idea what you're-"

"Sidekick. This is my sidekick now. I called dibs, you didn't." Green Arrow shrugs in a 'what can you do' motion, quietly grabbing one of his arrows specially made for supernatural entities.

He got it from a business called 'Fentonworks', and he hopes it'll actually do what it's namesake says, and work.

"I am working in his best interest!"

"And I called dibs."

"He doesn't even use arrows!"

"I've just decided I wanna learn how to use arrows," the kid breaks in, winded.

Green Arrow nods sagely.

"See? He's just decided he wants to learn."

The situation devolves from there and Green Arrow ends up shooting the vampire in the ass with one of those Fentonworks arrows, finding out that yes, they do work as intended.

Afterwards, he's left with an exhausted meta teen, who didn't use that fight as a chance to run away, like what would have been the smart thing to do.

"Sorry, I also need you to get these off of me," the teen says, holding out his arms and revealing a pair of metal cuffs.

...

Green Arrow shouldn't have aimed for that guys ass.

He should have aimed for his dick.

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Jack and Maddie Fenton had a pair of twin boys. Neither of them made it.

Turns out, Jack and Maddie are so ecto-contaminated that it was a miracle Maddie was even able to get pregnant, a miracle that Jazz survived past toddler years.

But Danny and Bru-bru did not.

Jack and Maddie had worked furiously to find a cure, to find some way to help their twin boys overcome their illness. They had boils full of neon-green puss, they were prone to breaking out into internal bleeding...

They weren't going to live.

And Maddie actually did find the cure! She did!

...

She found it fourteen minutes after both of them had succumbed to their Ecto-Contamination.

They were nearly inconsolable after that. Jazz had to go live with her Aunt Alicia for a few months.

Jack and Maddie took solace in using a failed Ghost Zone Portal to look into a different dimension. To watch another version of themselves, a version that hadn't managed to save Jazz, but were trying to save their twins.

It was the same disease, even though alternate Jack and Maddie weren't ghost scientists; Maddie had a theory that the damnable disease was soul-based, not physical-based.

But alternate them, even without knowing ghost science, were making progress in finding the cure.

And this other version of them was doing well!

Except that right when the computer showed the result result they needed, a flash that Maddie herself almost missed when it'd happened to her, they were distracted.

Maddie prepared to mourn.

But Jack?

Jack wasn't watching his sons die twice.

Jack waited until alternate them were distracted, grabbed the syringes with the cures he never got to use on his own boys, and walked through the portal.

Alternate him and alternate Maddie were preoccupied, and Jack made sure to keep his steps quiet.

He injected Bru-bru first, then gently put him down.

Next he picked up Danny, but right when he prepared the second injection, the door to the room-turned-lab opened, and alternate him's butler walked in.

They froze, staring at each other for a heartbeat, before the butler practically ripped a revolver from his back.

"Thomas! Daniel is-!"

Jack didn't hear the rest.

He turned and bolted for the portal, ripping it from it's power source the second he was through.

He didn't mean to. He didn't intend it.

But he stole Danny.

He and Maddie pretended like it's just been Bru-bru who passed when Jazz came back.

She could never know.

No one could ever know.

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On the other side, Thomas and Martha turned to watch their youngest twin, Daniel Wayne, get kidnapped by a man who vanished into thin air.

Alfred though.

Alfred got a good look at him.

Alfred knows the man looked just like Thomas.

Alfred vows to find Daniel, even if it takes him years. If he'd been a faster draw, the boy never would have been taken.

And many, many years later, when Bruce is Batman and Alfred has, unfortunately, died; Alfred intends to make good on that vow.

After all, he's a ghost now.

Why would a ghost be bound by a dimension?

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There's something falling from the sky, and Clark, Kon, and Kara are all off planet. Martha prepares as best as she can.

Because it looks like it's making a beeline for her fields.

She has no idea what makes her fields such a magnet for this, but she's certain it's not an asteroid. She couldn't say how she knows, just that she does.

It looks like a ship of some sort, with blinking lights and reflective surfaces.

She's debating on whether or not to sound the alarm and call one of Clark's friends, since she doesn't know if this alien will be friendly or not, when she notices something.

That ship isn't coming in smooth.

It is, in fact, tearing itself apart the lower it gets.

Then, with a final, ear piercing boom, it completely shatters.

Martha's eye is drawn to a rather round piece that broke off and shot towards the very edge of her property.

She doesn't call one of Clark's friends.

She gets the first aid kit and gets in the truck.

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Dan is flying the Specter Speeder through the Infinite Realms, an unconscious Danny on the floor of it behind him.

The twerp's injured.

He can't treat him.

He has to outrun the GIW and their own Speeders.

In desperation, he does a hard turn right into a temporary portal. The kind that blinks out of existence almost as soon as they get made.

He appears in the exosphere of another Earth.

No GIW Speeder follows him, but he's got a new problem; this thing isn't meant for the force re-entering Earth's atmosphere will put on it.

He puts it on autopilot, ordering it to find an empty area with good Ley Lines, and turns to start arranging both himself and Danny into the escape pod.

He can't activate it, or it'll also be subjected to the forces currently tearing the Speeder apart.

He'll have to stay in the pod, shielding his clone/twin as best as he can, while they hurtle towards Earth.

The last thing he remembers is the pod breaking away from the Speeder and hitting the ground.

The next thing he knows, he's waking up on the floor of a farmhouse, covered in bandages.

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DC x DP fanfic Idea: Gotham Gossip

Meta-human rights are a touchy topic in Gotham. While the city is known for Batman's view on them, it's also known for Bruce Wayne's viewpoint.

The Dark Knight did not welcome Metas, while the Light Knight worked tirelessly to employ charities and programs to support Metas. Both men- if Batman was a man- influenced Gotham so intensely that their viewpoints became the face of the public.

Even people outside of Gothman learned what "Are you a Dark pawn or a Light pawn?" meant when it was spoken about during national debates.

Really, it was no surprise that Batman and Wayne got caught up in a rather explosive public argument over the subject. Or rather, Wayne yelled at Batman during a hostage situation when his party boat got taken by a group of masked men.

Thankfully, Batman was able to save everyone on board, and although he didn't stick around to argue with Wayne, it was noted that Batman seemed intrigued by a few of Wayne's passionate rants. A few reporters were excited to point out there may be a chance of growth within the vigilante, but it was overshadowed by gossip rags that used this incident to make up a wild rumor of Wayne being a bitter ex with Batman.

This rumor runs for months, with various people posting online proof of a relationship. It sparks debate and anger, with other people responding by fact-checking and countering the "proof." Eventually, the argument moves away from Meta-human rights and falls into celebrity gossip, which has Wayne steaming.

People ignore his passionate activism to better the lives of Metas, only watching his speeches, marches, protests, and donations to various charities to gain new proof of his nonexistent romance that may or may have been in his early twenties when he mysteriously vanished to see the world.

That's when the video comes out.

A young teenager wrote a song parody of what was happening. A soft acoustic guitar accompanied his short words, accusing the masses of caring more about a wealthy man's pants being on or not than the lives of his people.

This young teenager is Danny Fenton, a known meta from a small town in Illinois. This quickly turned into people attacking the boy, who released another song using the hateful comments as new lyrics.

Wayne reposts one of his sons, claiming it a masterpiece, which is when one fan notices the similarities between the two. She makes a post talking about how Wayne and Fenton could be father and son as a joke, expecting people to take it seriously.

Overnight, the internet finds out that Fenton was, in fact, adopted into his current family after being surrendered at a fire station anonymously. More and more people started to notice the similar features between the rich man and the small-town singer until a video of Fenton using his powers was leaked.

Fenton's power is invisibility. This resembles another well-known Gotham dweller who can appear and disappear through the city's shadows. It's not long before Fenton is being called the love child of Batman and Wayne.

It leads to so much media attention and harassment aimed towards Fenton that Wayne steps in. He offers to take a paternity test to finally put the rumors to rest and let the young boy vanish from the limelight (should he stop writing songs).

The only problem?

The test is positive. Wayne is Fenton's biological son. The whole nation loses their minds when it's leaked by a very regrettable intern at the clinic where the test was done. (To be fair, the intern's email was hacked, so when she scanned the papers for herself, they were able to steal them)

Worse, Joker thinks it would be hilarious to kidnap Wayne's newly discovered son and, on live TV, give him another paternity test against Batman. The clown is laughing hysterically while his men prepare the results, only to become more gleeful when it's a match again.

Fenton is the son of both the Dark Knight and the Light Knight. It matters little that Batman's DNA is slightly messed up, as various people already suspected him of not being human.

This just proves Fenton is not a meta-human but rather half-human and whatever the hell Batman is. Joker is having a ball reading out the results, proclaiming he would help Fenton meet his biological grandparents with his one guarantee.

His words are cut off when Fetnon- unknown to the viewing public- escapes his bonds and swings an axe from the emergency fire station inside the aged wearhouse at Joker's neck. The clown collapses to the ground dead, the boy bathed in his blood, and the half-finished joke is cut off by the sound of choking blood etching across every screen in Gotham.

The remaining goons and Fenton stare at each other in stun silence while one is brave enough to rasp. "But Batman doesn't kill."

"Do I look like my absent father to you? Besides, Joker venom is a war crime. I'm within my rights, and if I'm not, I would have killed him again anyway."

Fenton quickly outshines his fathers in the public's eye because no matter where one stood on the Meta Rights, everyone stood on the "Kill the Joker" debate.