bumblingwinter - Tumblr blog

[bumblingwinter]

I think it’s so fun how I just use an iPad for tumblr. Not anywhere else. All my iPad does is let me draw and browse tumblr. All I do on phone is play game and watch video. I have to keep my double life secret from those who wish to harm my family. I have to keep my double life of crime and loving father separate or else I might lose my family’s respect. All will be destroyed if I watch YouTube on the bigger screen, the illusion shattered by the click of a button.

[bumblingwinter]

So you might want to look into this silly little thing called masking. Not even necessarily in a neurodivergent way, just like the stressors of everyday life and feeling a need to conform can absolutely shift the way you act in front of different groups. There are ways to be cured of funky little clown disease (also known as unbearable dread in not knowing the most mundane things about yourself and yet knowing the most intimate thoughts of those you talk with on a day to day basis)

me, alone in my room, every 5 minutes: am i being myself? is this who i really am? who am i performing for?

[bumblingwinter]

This is gorgeous! It really spoke to me personally since I’m a trans man who had to give up piano. Wonderful wording

Beautiful chaos  (an original poem)

Bright lights

Flickers behind my eyes

Fireworks

Loud noises

Silence is heaven; noise kills my head

Just want to be happy

To be alone

I close my eyes and 

bury my face in my pillow

Tears drench the bed;

Time seems to slow

How long has it been?

Will everything ever be ok?

I remember the girl

That small girl 

Who would not stop laughing

Who hugged everyone

Who talked to everyone; made friends everywhere

“She’s a bubbly one”

“She’s been a pleasure to have in class”

I look in the mirror

Swollen red eyes

Tears threatening to spill again

Eye bags from sleepless nights

But never twice

Never let tears fall twice

It’s the rule

If you don’t follow it

You’re a...

You decide

I dream

Of dim fairy lights

And a dark apartment

Tucked away 

Around the corner of a building

Discreet that no one knows I’m there

Blended into the background

In public and at home

Slender fingers on the piano

Music piercing through the room

Resonating to those who hear

Silent music speaks to everyone

Deaf or not; if your heart is open

To a broken soul

My heart weeping

Soul poured out into music sheets

Falling asleep in the studio

Battles fought in my mind;

Tiredness seeping through my bones

But beauty in the midst of that beautiful chaos

A song release

Hard work got me somewhere

Recognition, fame, money

Views, lives, and stories

Worthlessness, depression, anxiety

Soothed by music

Silent music speaks to everyone

Deaf or not; if your heart is open

To broken souls

Yet

A broken soul comforting other ones

Such irony

Happiness

Anyone?

Counting 1, 2, 3.

Left behind and

Pulled down relentlessly but;

The beauty is still there

In the midst of my beautiful chaos

[bumblingwinter]

cw: US trans rights struggle vent

i freaking love being trans. The idea of becoming something entirely new to fit what you were supposed to become all along should be this wonderful beautiful concept that brings joy. Being trans is gorgeous, but it's so goddamn hard. I live in one of the worst states to be trans in. It's arguably the worst right now, though honestly it's bad in a lot of places. It's so tiring. I'm trying so incredibly hard to be positive about it, to try and organize locally for change and trying to protest in the small ways I have space for, contacting local politicians and telling them what destruction they're causing. But at best they don't care and at worst their bills are having the desired effect. I might have to move away just so my mental health doesn't get so bad I kill myself. And what sucks even more is I'm one of the LUCKY ones. I have a mostly supportive family and live in a progressive area for where I live. We have the money to be able to move, support in different parts of the country to help us, and I can get therapy. Even as one of the most lucky trans people in my area it's absolutely hell. Once my school starts up, I can be bullied for being trans and no one can do anything about it, going to my preferred bathroom is going to cost the school money because they'll get fined, and teachers are legally allowed to discriminate against me and my trans siblings. I'm so pissed but I don't know what to do, where to turn to. I want to start change, but it's so scary when BLM protests got tear gassed and the one trans protest I went to a few years ago almost ended in getting violently attacked. It's so scary, and I know I should be fighting, but all I want to do is lay down and hide. I want to hide but I don't want to let all the support I have go to waste. Yeah.

TL;DR: FUCK YOU, US GOVERNMENT. SUCK MY FUCKING DICK YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLES

[bumblingwinter]

crying at the club rn

[bumblingwinter]

Wowwww, more art from the art account

[bumblingwinter]

I'M SO UPSET THEY CANCELLED "I'M NOT OKAY WITH THIS" IT WAS SUCH A GOOD SHOW IT WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY CREATED AND IT SPOKE TO MY SOUL.

[bumblingwinter]

Mmm… anatomy practice. Spent a bit longer on the 10 minute one bc I got sucked into the void of creation. Might add onto this post with more practice later if I feel up to it.

[bumblingwinter]

My monochrome meow

[bumblingwinter]

Op this is breaking me into a million tiny marketable pieces. This is genuinely moving to me I love it

How do you go back to being strangers

With someone who've seen your soul?

[bumblingwinter]

I needed this. How dare you

god it's like nobody even cares that [problem i've taken great pains to make sure nobody will acknowledge] looks like i have no choice but to make it worse in isolation for reasons i can't articulate and don't understand

[bumblingwinter]

Oh wowee, another bug. I really like drawing these bugs.

Gimme some of your favorite bugs and I’ll draw them, I’m quite bored

[bumblingwinter]

Btw much as I love to make fun of twitter and reddit's business decisions, I have 0% trust in tumblr's management to not go a similar route so this is your gentle reminder that you should regularly go to your blog settings to export your blog. That's a fancy way of saying you can download a backup of your blog so if everything goes down you'll still have a backup of your posts & convos.

[bumblingwinter]

I’m very drained today, take a goofy sketch I made out of boredom and will probably never finish

[bumblingwinter]

this reminds me so much of vewn in like the BEST way possible

animation practice！

[bumblingwinter]

Mmm tasty beetle. Tried out adding some scrumptious textures to this one :p

[bumblingwinter]

ya'll know why I come off as a cis guy in queer communities but then get misgendered in non-queer spaces?? Like most of my friends forget I'm trans and when I meet new queer people they assume I'm an ally but in day to day life I'm constantly misgendered. it's quite confusing and I don't quite understand how the hell it works. If anyone has any clue as to how this works or has experienced something similar please lmk in rb.