bullshiteboy - Tumblr blog

[bullshiteboy]

lol I just love it so very much when my phone decides to randomly uninstall spotify. all of my downloads are fucking gone and its gonna take so much work to get them back. I wanna cry

why do I have to be so emotional. I know why its happening and it's making me dysphoric. which makes me more upset and then I hate being upset which makes me more upset and it's just a continuous cycle I dont know how to get out of

I keep thinking about how anyone I love could be gone in an instant. they have before, many times. I know I just shouldn't think about that bc its just gonna hurt me but I can't. I don't want to get hurt again. loving people is so fucking scary, why do I have to? let me just be a robot that cares for my peers

back and forth, left and right, emotional and numb, loving and hating and indifference. i can't do anything right. never have been but its getting to me more right now than usual. it upsets people that I think so much but I don't care that they're angry anymore. they should be angry. I just wish they'd take action over it

[bullshiteboy]

just because you think something, doesn't mean you need to say it aloud. I should not be having to teach you this. you're 40yo adults.

anyone else's parents make fun of, bully, and shit talk your friends behind their backs? just me?

while we're at it, I've been thinking about how you called me greedy and selfish. im genuinely scared and curious as to how? sarcasm aside, what more should I give up? you already have my energy, my sanity, my calm, what little parenting skills ayyyy have as a non-parent teen, my physical health, my dreams, my labour. i still manage to keep scraps for my friends. what more can I do for you? please tell me, I can't stand the thought of accidentally being a burden.

[bullshiteboy]

I'm 💫sick again💫

mum's taking me in the morning to get tested for covid

I swear to god if it's positive im going virtual. I can't get trapped in the library again. I'm so afraid im gonna make someone sick. what if I kill someone's loved one?? I could never live with myself. god I'm so scared

im so sick of this pandemic

I can't be near anyone without being terrified of hurting them

my family, my grandparents, my friends, my pets

I wish I could erase myself from society

maybe then I'd be clean

[bullshiteboy]

too sensitive

overly emotional

upset too easily

get over it

it's not important

its your fault

you're stupid

the world isnt as perfect as you think it is

wish you were dead

you're weird

dont be upset. you've only been knocked down peg #3427

whatever

gross

fat

idiot

punching bag

nice words are so warm

[bullshiteboy]

you know what time it is.

you ever be like Vibin😎 and then all of a sudden everything sucks and life is stupid and gOd why is the ceiling fan so LOUD, it's not even on???? n holy fucking s h i t theres literally no food in this house I'm so hungry, and why is it already 2021 that's no fair and oh fuck I've kissed someone before that's horrible of me my parents would be so disappointed if they knew. I hate everything, I hate this house, I hate the people in it, I hate that I hate working but in reality i just dont have fuck energy, I hate how empty i feel, i hate how everything hurts all the time, I hate people yelling, I hate my mind, I hate myself, god my life is just hate hate hate

I hate how the thought of someone else's warm blood in my hands sounds nice. I hate how I dont care who's.

I HATE HOW I KEEP CRYING OVER EVERYTHING. I HATE HOW MUCH I HATE EVERYTHING. I HATE ALL OF THIS.

I hate how talking about it doesnt help anymore. I hate that no one ever knows what to do

all it ever is is "I'm sorry" and "oof"

I'm sorry. im sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

everyone thinks I'm the innocent friend. but I dont know how long that facade will stay up. I dont want to kill anyone but I'm so tired of all of this

people should be afraid of me. they would if they really knew me.

I know I am

[bullshiteboy]

i fucking hate this rat race.

[bullshiteboy]

fuck you. fuck you and everything you are. you had no right to do what you did. I was a fucking child, a baby nearly. what makes you think that was okay??? you're nasty and deserve to rot in lowest fucking hell. a child. A CHILD. AND YOU CONTINUE TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. YOU DENY YOU DID ANYTHING WHILE I LIE IN MY BED AT NIGHT SHAKING AND SCREAMING BECAUSE I CANT STOP FUCKING REMEMBERING WHAT YOU DID TO ME. DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?? DOES IT BRING YOU JOY TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE DESTROYED ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

I hope you die. no, i hope you live forever and everyone finds out what you did. I hope you get to see me live my life to the fullest while everyone hates your guts

I cant stand to be in my own fucking skin anymore. all thanks to you. I hate you, and you have the audacity to wonder why

fuck you

[bullshiteboy]

"Thomas. THOMAS!!" he screamed, running to the boy slumped against the wall, barely conscious. He dropped to his knees beside him, cupping his hands around his face.

"I thought you were go-" his voice cut off suddenly, his eyes drawn down to the boy's stomach. Blood was practically gushing everywhere, his t-shirt soaked. It explained the near unconsciousness. "Thomas oh my god, what happened??? oh my god, oh god-"

Slowly, the boy reached a bloody index finger up to his nose, and weakly smiled.

He frantically scanned the boy, tears springing from his eyes. "Okay. Okay okay its gonna be fine. okay?" he sobbed, "you're gonna be okay, its gonna be okay I promise. I've got you."

he lifted Thomas's head gingerly into his lap, and winced.

his right knee down was missing.

[bullshiteboy]

what does one do when someone you love desperately needs help, but you do too? what do you do when you're spending your last bit of energy on simply not dying but the one person who means the most to you needs your support? ugh, what to do when you isolate to cope but the person you love who needs help reaches out when they're drowning

I can't fucking do this

[bullshiteboy]

fuck this. i keep getting so fucking angry for a million reasons at once and i cant fucking handle it. this is the worst it's been. I bruised my forehead because I got angry and slammed my head into my cars steering wheel. I wanna punch my wall or break something glass.

this goddamn depression. this goddamn ed. this goddamn trauma. my goddamn father. his goddamn morals. my goddamn brain stopping me from feeling goddamn emotions so everything gets fucking piled up. theres so much bad that I can't even decide which bad thing to pick up and talk about. its slowly driving me insane.

everyone in m hy family constantly mistakes all my emotions for anger. maybe they're right though. maybe anger is all I know.

when will this fucking end

[bullshiteboy]

TW venting/emotional distress/general tw because yeah brain no work

anyone else feel like they're just constantly on the verge of tears lately? like idk my thoughts are really discombobulated rn but for the past couple of weeks my mental health has gotten so bad that breathing is difficult. like actually, not just depressive metaphorically. my entire body is constantly in danger mode and I've been so angry at everyone and everything, idk what's going on

I was in a small wreck about a 1½ weeks ago, I didnt think it affected me that badly? maybe it's the election

idk

I just keep trying to be there for my friends because that's what I'm good at but at this point I dont even have enough energy or life force to open messages. not even reply, just open them. I'm having to force myself to keep in touch with my boyfriend and best friend.

I wanna talk, i know i need to talk. and not just on somewhere where I feel like I'm heard. I need to talk to someone that's actually listening. but theres so fucking much to talk about, I dont even know where to start. and I know that that means I'll I'll overwhelm whoever I talk to. I'll be so focused on holding back so i dont hurt them that all the stuff i release will be replaced.

idk. I know I need therapy. I just dont know if I have the energy to put effort into it right now

[bullshiteboy]

bruh I just wanna be able to help people

like I wanna be normal or tough. I wanna be the rock for my friends. and I try so so fucking hard

but lately I haven't been able to handle it all and I'm stuck in a really low spot right now. I wanna take time for myself and get out but I can't. my friends need me. they need my help. and I have to be here for them

I cant even fucking cry anymore. it works for a few seconds but I'm so fucking numb that it doesnt work anymore.

I can't fucking do this anymore

all I want is to help

I wanna talk

but I csny talk

idk

[bullshiteboy]

welp I'm officially crying over my body

guess I'm vain now

why do I have to be so fucking fat

I cant talk to anyone about it because I'm the smallest in my friend group.

I might end up cutting later

idk

[bullshiteboy]

I hate how sleepovers make me spiral so much

to stay over at someone's house you have to sleep in their bed, eat their food, take up their space

to stay over at someone's house you have to be a burden

I hate that

[bullshiteboy]

god dammit I want to kill myself so bad

but I can't. because people need me.

I spend so much fucking time thinking of ways to kill myself without hurting the people who love me. nothing yet.

I don't understand why people need me. half the time I can't find the right words to say anyways. I'll probably end up cutting tonight, we'll see. so many of my friends have been having hard times tonight and it's gotten overwhelming. what a fun time to be alive, I guess.

god, I'm so tired of being the free therapist

[bullshiteboy]

kinda funny how the only thing keeping me from offing myself is my snapchat streaks with one person.

my hermit crab died a couple days ago. it just registered. I should've tried harder to take care of him. why can't I do anything fucking right. I tried so hard, I really did. I'm so sorry Akihito, I wish you rest well.

[bullshiteboy]

i just realized that i used to watch kids shows and think that the nice, silly dads were just an exaggeration