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camila noceda is THE best mother

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were you aware,,, shes cute. were u aware, shes really kind,, and beautiful and clever and her soul has magic and i love her?? did u know???

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well fuck like actually fuck my teeth hurt my jaw my eyes my throat i think i already posted that, whats wrong with me why cant i exist and be normal and fuck

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m so tired and sad its all caught up in my throat and tangled and why cant i fucking c r y

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why can it never be enough

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cant catch me, suicidal ideation 💖 my gf is too punk rock

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sometimes im filled with so much wonder for this world, for the people, the beautiful and often heart wrenchingly way we're connected the empathy we can feel. for the sheer amount memories that are stacked ontop of each other, for how many stories and magic moments this world has seen, so much of it buried and forgotten but showing even now through worn objects touched by so many different people, and in the stars every ancestor has looked up at.

wonder for the magic in the little things, the light dancing ontop of water, rain hitting your skin, the smell of cats, bioluminescent fungi, music that makes your heart dip, babies smiling at strangers. everything everything it fills me up and i wish i could hold onto it always i wish i could capture this feeling and store in it a jar in my pocket for a rainy day. i wish i knew how to share it properly, how to infuse it into joys skin into her tummy into her chest into all the empty cold scared pockets so she Never felt bad again. i wish i knew how to take away hurt. i know hurt is necessary and it happens in nature and elephants morn and bury their dead and it has to exist but i dont waNT IT

ive known too many people going through hurt. why do i keep finding people who hurt? is it because i want them to know me to understand my hurt? is it because i want to feel like im useful like i have a purpose, is it because if someone else is hurting im not allowed to hurt. god even this even this i can manage to make it selfish, i know i get sucked into the whole 'is anything truly selfless and when your selfish actions create good in the world is it really bad' but it is bad!!! if i knew someone just wanted to be with me because i stopped them hurting- well i would be grateful because i dont want people to hurt but. hhhHhhHH this was a wholesome post it was goood it was soft and the light content love for the world.

you know i always think of arin when i notice those things because arin talked about it out loud and so i thought i stole it from them but i didnt. ive always loved the world ive always looked close and the yellow/purple/blue stripes on mosquitos noticed the small, wanted to conect wanted to hold to hug to have. joy has the want. joy understands. its different to arins understand. their hurts are different. arins hurt was squashed and flat and tired. joy has those too but i think deeper deeper theyre raw and angry and i dont think she knows what to do with it yet. i think joys really smart and so was arin but i think arin was more ready to exist with it forever. i think joy will fight for a long long time and maybe she'll have to exist with it forever too and have to make peace with it which isnt fair i hate it i want to- hm. i want to keep being here for her. i cant screw up like i did with arin

its weird how easily my brain suggests running. i never really knew about commitment issues til now. i think joy would understand if it ever did get so bad that i tried to leave. i think as long as i explained. hmm but also shes really scared of being left. its gonna be okay. ive already learnt so much. theres so much more to learn. i wont blank i will learn how to be here all the time i Will. god the future stuff freaks me out so bad. money stuff freaks me out so bad. it was so bad with lyn but i dont want to complain more than i do because joy needs it i can recognise it in her voice how she talks. she would never push so much if she didnt have that racey thing in her chest. i want to prove to her she can trust me to be there trust the future to be kind to us. it makes sense to be scared. it makes sense that it makes me so scared to think of too though.

sometimes i think having thoughts is pointless. i might like to be a rock. ive been thinking about Ali a lot recently, i wonder why. im surprised we could talk without me freaking out. she didnt have tone. arin had tone. joy has tone but it changes a lot. i dont think i mind that because it means i can change mine too and it feels right. but i do need to remember to remind myself it doesnt mean she doesnt like me. i think that will get easier i think it will make my relationships with everyone better

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a sick tired part of me wants to let wolfie go and watch her chase rabbits to see what happens

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she said rinky-dink

she just,, casually called me baby. Casually in a sentence fuck me im hdjxhs too gay

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she just,, casually called me baby. Casually in a sentence fuck me im hdjxhs too gay

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s not fair to always be so sulky and dumb when ppl are just being nice to me but fuck i hate it my chesthurtsmychesthurtsmychest

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OHMGODMGODOHMUGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOGMGODMYGODOHMYGOD

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so apparently i Do have emotions and i want my old music whyyy is it all in one playlist i want it back i want to just sit in the safe comfy familiar

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this sss no good no good no good no good no good fuck innbvvbbb aa aaaaa a aa aaa

icky theOAt ixky leeeggggg abd im bouta do more i can feel it

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who was that who was that who was that fucknim freaked out more than normal what the h e ck was goungnon w joy m glad inlefy inwas sad so sad i want her to call me back tho indonwhen shes wake but that was scarryynfyyyckkkk m myndreams i doknonh how mychnwas real

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oh hey its back, its back and i hate it i hate it the first time it happened was at blue gum so fucking heavy so fucking tired and heavy and sick of this im sick of it and i cant push this away or down its just Here filling me up with heavy so fucking heavy