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July 18, 2020

“You're annoying, but the skies were grey without you.” - Anon

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July 6, 2020

What a time to be alive. It’s kinda crazy that the only way I can truly process my emotions is through blog posts. 

Somehow everything I’ve kept pent up tends to pour out whenever I write, which is cool I guess? Not sure what that means for the future and the communication road blocks I’m sure to run into though. 

Anyways, life is odd right now. I can feel my self getting tired of this new normal but more-so becoming anxious of going back to what used to be the norm. I’m scared I won’t be able to adjust to the sudden change and that I should start trying to get a head start. What will I do a year from now when my job has ended? Should I start upgrading my courses in case I want to do a masters? Should I be reaching out too advisors? Should I even be going to grad school?? 

Life is a mess. What’s new though? 

Triple A

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“Others measure life by the milestones you’ve achieved like graduating or getting married. It’s time for the metric to change.”

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July 1, 2020

Hello readers,

It’s Canada Day! It was a weird one because COVID and it’s been raining all day but nevertheless it was so much fun. 

Our family and my sisters finance’s family/our family friends went BBQ-ing to Pembina River and then we went to Wabamun lake to walk around. 

‘Twas fun but I’m not looking forward to work tomorrow. :( 

Thanks for reading, 

Triple A

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May 29, 2020

Hello readers,

**Caution: This post is more embarrassing and depressing than usual. Proceed at your own cost. 

I feel like I’ve been waiting to write this post since last night. Today I woke up feeling in general off but also sad. We had some people coming over so there was a lot to prepare and help my mom with, so I didn’t even get to workout.

All day, it’s felt like I’ve been on the verge of tears. And not like one or two tears and then done, but like a full on sob. Even as I’m writing this, this feeling weighs down on me. I’m not fully sure why.

I can’t attribute it to one singular thing, but it must be a collection of everything that’s going on right now. I feel furious and a deeply rooted sadness for everything regarding George Floyd, the protests, and the #BlackLivesMatter movement. 

So when everyone arrived, that sad feeling was still lingering but I tried to push it away. At first I was nervous as to how the event would go, but as the evening continued it only reminded me of what used to be. What life was like when all these same people lived in the same city as us, how our biggest struggle used to be learning how to drive, and how life was so simple yet still so complicated. 

I guess as I write this post I’m just feeling sad in general. I feel sad that I’m growing up, and I feel sad about what that involves. 

While everyone was over, my mom got a call from my Mamo (uncle) saying my Nani Ami (grandma) is doing really badly, and to call her when we had time. And all I feel is deep sadness. 

It’s COVID season and I can’t send my mom to see her parents. My grandparents may pass away without all of their kids there since no one can travel due to COVID. And then to think about how this will effect my mom makes me want to lock myself up in my room and make time stop.

I think I’m scared because the biggest death in my life by far has been my dad. So because of that, I know the feeling of losing a parent is indescribable. I don’t want my mom to go through that. I don’t want her to be sad. It’s such a selfish thought since I know everyone must leave this world and I know she is more than capable of dealing with it as when I lost my dad, she lost her husband. But yet I still find this urge to shield her from this sadness. 

And then that brings me to my next thought, how I could possibly deal with the loss of my grandparents? In a way, it’s a loss of our last deeply rooted connection to Pakistan. Because no matter how “great” cousins are, no one will ever hold the same link as parents.

Right now all I pray is that my mom and her siblings are able to see their parents one last time before time has ran out. 

I think I have more thoughts and fears to explore but as I write this, the tears I’ve been holding in all day are finally starting to pour out. In a sense it’s good to let it out, but in another regard it’s hard to know what to do with these emotions. 

All I can do is pray. 

Additional Note: A bit after I wrote this my mom came into my room and we starting talking; about the situation and today. I feel so so much better (even though there isn’t really a resolution). Not sure how she can do that, but I am beyond blessed.

Thanks for reading,

Triple A

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May 28, 2020

Hello readers,

I think today I will try to process my emotions more than the days past although I highly doubt that it’ll be successful since I’m seriously so tired yet again. These workouts are really taking a toll.

Right now I think I’m in a weird phase of life. I feel like I’m caught in this in-between where I don’t know what to do about the future. It’s like, I’m content as it is so do I really need to get married? Why is there this cultural pressure to do so? And regardless, how can I find someone in Alberta? Moreover, with COVID it seems leaving Alberta has become a dream for another time; an unreachable goal. Which leads me to - what is one to do? 

I’ve heard what makes a good marriage is when both parties bring something to the table and make each other better people. Sometimes though, I’m not sure how this factors into my life and even some of my friends lives. I’d like to think I’m at least a bit socially aware and active on issues in the world, and that my career path is headed towards a positive direction. So then I think, and perhaps this is a bit egotistic of me, but what could someone else, more specifically a man, bring to the table? And these are the thoughts that scare me because what is one to do?

I fear I’ll be caught up in something that will only cause me more harm than good. But of course, as most of the time in life, all I can do is pray and believe in god. Whatever he decides is always for the better.  

Thanks for reading,

Triple A

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May 27, 2020

Hello readers,

I am coming at you live from my bed. And by live, I mean not live at all lool.

ANyways, today was a crazy day. I did Helen’s killer workout routine and I swear it took me like 3 hours to complete. Also, I may or may not have skipped some moves... 

Also, one of the things I did was go to my friends house to afsoos (I think that translates to “give condolences”) to my friends house. Their dad passed away. I felt so many emotions and still do. I wish we didn’t have to go through the loss of parents or there was like a training program administered while growing up on how to deal with it.  

But I ended the night with some of my friends and I having a tier list debate talking about which UofA buildings we would rank higher and which lower. That was okay but I don’t really enjoy debating and now I’m exhausted lol. 

Finally, I’m not feeling talking to “Uh” right now. I fear if he’s too white...

So the theme of today? Exhausting. 

Thanks for reading,

Triple A

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May 26, 2020

Hello readers,

Welcome to my first quarantine, or if we want to be more politically correct, self-isolation post. One time I saw a girl rant on Facebook about how quarantine and self-isolation are both separate things and that quarantine allows less freedom than self-isolation does. Hence the dialogue. 

So today I intended to wake up early at around 10am but little did I know, falling asleep at 1am instead of the usual 5am or 6am would cause my body to wake at 6:30am. Reading that back I’m realizing it’s a lot of numbers in one sentence, but let’s continue. At the time I was so annoyed since I could feel a headache coming, but in the end it was nice.

As soon as I woke up I talked to my Islamabad cousin Fatima, and then over a group chat with my Germany cousin Haris and my American cousin Junaid. It was nice to start my day off talking to family so far away. < 3

The other main events that took place today were deep cleaning the inside of my car, attending an [online] Alberta.WomenAI session, working out with Helen and Mimi, and talking to/about “Uh”. 

It’s been so long since I’ve video chatted Helen and Mimi together and it was so much fun. At first, I just wanted to get the workout over with on my own since I was tired from cleaning my car, but now I’m happy we did it together. Mimi and I couldn’t stop laughing and Helen was literally yelling “LADIES” the entire time. Overall, I’m thankful to have such great friends during this time of self-isolation which have been pushing and encouraging me to become a better version of myself. < 3

Okay, I’m actually really tired so that’s it for tonight. 

Thanks for reading,

Triple A