bryanevansduff

[bryanevansduff]

Cable Attraction

I just got my bill and it looks like my monthly cost for home internet went up again. I told you if you kept ignoring me I was capable of doing something drastic and I meant every word. Now that you’ve left me no choice, I’m going to cancel my account.

Did you really think you could treat someone this way? We had a connection - a serious, 1 gigabyte broadband connection - and you acted like it was nothing. I am so much more than account number GX-1005-63314. You really thought you could just take your monthly withdrawal from then move on to your next victim, all before going home to your whore wife? Don’t forget - you came into my house and drilled a hole in my living room wall - that means something!

Maybe I’m switching to another home internet provider, maybe I’m not. I don’t even care if I hurt myself by trying to stream off of my mobile hotspot the rest of my life. Why should I care about what happens to me when you clearly don’t! If you did care, you wouldn’t have acted so calm and cool when I told you my cell phone company is offering home internet for half of what I pay for ours, or that I’ve been getting a lot of interesting snail mail about other internet providers in my area. I have options, too, don’t you see? How could you say you loved me when you don’t even care about losing me!

I should have seen this coming. Ever since the glow of our initial promotional period expired when we signed up together you’ve been ramping up the monthly price. I guess it’s my fault for not saying something sooner. I must have taught you it was fine to treat me so poorly. We get what we deserve in this life. 

But that goes for you, too, Dan. You’re not going to get away with this: and I’m going to do so much more than just leave a strongly written negative review online. Why don’t you go into your kitchen and see what I’ve cooked you for dinner? That’s right, it’s my home modem. I told you, I would not be ignored Dan!

So now you want to look for promotions in my area? Ha! It’s a little late for that, don’t you think, Dan? But I suppose I would be open to saving $15 a month. That’s a good start. Oh Dan, I knew you loved me. I knew you didn’t mean all of those hurtful things you said earlier. It’s so good to be back together, Dan.

[bryanevansduff]

What Your Breed of Doodle Says About You

There are lots of different doodles out there, so what does your breed of doodle say about you? Are you a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t actually like dogs so you bought a doodle instead, or are you something else? Let’s find out.

Schnoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs.

Aussiedoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs.

Labradoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs, but you were one of the first ones to go in on the doodle craze so you can still tell yourself it’s because of your kids’ allergies when really it’s because you’re terrible.

Irishdoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs but apparently likes the idea of some breeder named Trish from ownadoodle.com playing God in her laundry room

Goldendoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs so you got a doodle instead and it’s the worst trained animal that’s ever existed and despite looking like a muppet it’s an actual menace to the neighborhood, as if Snuffleupagus was on the all-carnivore diet. You didn’t understand poodles are actually pretty gnarly, aggressive animals and you probably never will until Charleston eats your kid’s pet rabbit. 

Bernedoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs, and in your house you believe love is love, science is real, and your home’s property values are the only thing in the world that actually matter

Sheepadoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs and you know you could have and should have rescued a real dog instead but deep down you know you are physically soft and mentally weak

Maltipoo/Cockapoo/Cavapoo

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs and you tell people you live in the city when you’re three hours away because you’re the kind of person who would inflict a name that ends with poo on a living creature.

Whoodle

You’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs, but honestly you’re one of the worst ones because a Wheaton Terrier was not gentrified enough for you so you had to go and subject it to the doodle craze

Boxerdoodle

It turns out you’re a dumb, rich a-hole who doesn’t really like dogs.

So that’s it! Well, not really: there are like 40,000 other doodle breeds being created every second, but that covers the main ones. Hope you enjoyed reading about what your breed of doodle says about you. See you in hell!What Your Breed of Doodle Says About You

[bryanevansduff]

A Comedian’s Job Is To Make People Go “Woo!” And Lead A Chorus of Righteous Applause

It might not be popular, but being on the cutting edge never is. Nothing’s going to stop me from doing what I do as a comedian when I get on stage. It’s my job to make people go “woo” and join in a chorus of righteous applause.

Some people think a comedian is just supposed to make people laugh, but where’s the skill in that? So what, you’ve uncovered a bunch of commonalities we’ve all experienced but haven’t really challenged, and you’ve found a way to point out their absurdities that were otherwise unacknowledged, and you get people to laugh because you’ve challenged their worldview? Anyone can do that. I want to see a skilled comedian on stage, someone who can remind people of how important it is to vote.

Comedy plays a vital role in society: it pushes the boundaries of what you’re allowed to say to show people you agree with them. Ever since its inception, comedians have been arrested for saying things that people don’t agree with, because that was wrong and they should have been arrested. I think we’d all agree that we’d all like to agree and it’s much better to agree. This is more important than ever these days, when it’s so easy to find places to hide where people don’t agree with you. 

Don’t just take my word for it, take the audience’s. It’s like what they say in the business “an audience is never wrong and you should always agree with them”. Go to any comedy show ever and listen to how they react when a comedian from the stage announces “so I got divorced a while back.” That audience might not have even divorced themselves, but that doesn’t stop them from breaking out in a chorus of affirming “Woo’s!” That right there should tell you all you need to know: an audience goes to a show to escape their life through a chorus of cheering.

Unfortunately, some people have forgotten this these days. They are determined to stop comedians from testing their material, workshopping which setups ignite the most righteous applause. Comedians have to be allowed to fail sometimes, and that means saying something that audiences might not have already believed. That has to be allowed if we want to keep developing the art form. Besides, how is someone supposed to sell merch if they don’t get people to like them?

[bryanevansduff]

It’s Me, Duo! Time For Your Daily Dose of Gamefied Addiction!

It’s me, Duo. That streak you have is impressive. Let’s keep it going with your daily lesson of how easy it is to become addicted to something!

Everyone knows the best way to learn a language is to practice, but that’s not all you’re doing with DuoLingo. Thanks to this pushy little owl, you’re developing a superficial comprehension of a new language, and a deep understanding of our own potential for addiction. You know the real reason you have four separate language modules going right now is not because you’re a polyglot but because starting a new one is one of the easiest ways to earn our meaningless points. You may not have any unaided recall for a verb tense in Spanish, a single noun in French or Italian, or any clue of what’s going on in Scottish Gaelic, but you are on a roll and that is all that matters. Now, tell Duo you can’t listen or speak right now so you can skip to the easier matching questions and you’re on your way to learning nothing but building a destructive habit!

Picking up a new language is a lifelong pursuit! Seriously, no life event is going to stand in the way of you getting your streak, especially if it’s 11 pm and that clock is ticking. That’s why you’ve snuck off from a friend’s wedding reception to go plow through a lesson, or pulled your phone out during a child’s recital without a second thought, or pulled your phone out in traffic with no regard for other human life. That’s commitment - or maybe addiction - and it’s the best way to build a wall between you and everything else. The best part is that you will tell yourself that your daily streak is a testament to your will power, rather than the total opposite being true!

With DuoLingo, you will access all of the worst parts of yourself on your way to fulfilling whatever meaningless quota you’ve set. First, we’ll suck the fun out of this so-called hobby through our guilt-ridden reminders. Next, we’ll pray on your competitive side by showing you where you are in comparison to complete randos who may not even exist for all you know. Finally, feel the need for greed as you begin to collect gems, points, hearts, and other useless currencies we have created to pray on your basest instincts. After that free 2-week trial your bargain-driven brain couldn’t resist, you’ve meant to cancel your subscription, but we knew you’d be too lazy to do that.

Who said learning couldn’t be fun? Probably someone who never possessed both the deep understanding of gamification and desire to monetize it that we do. Our neuroscientists, psychologists, and other scientists turned mercenaries have designed the perfect platform to harness your human capacity for fixation into money for us. Thanks to your own biological weaknesses, we can collect a monthly fee from you, or, worse yet, force your eyeballs to gaze upon advertisements for the dumbest things known to mankind - most of which are mobile apps even worse than this one. But you suffer through these because our grasp of gamification is perfect, and the only way we could harvest your dopamine any better would be if syringes came out directly from your charging port and into your arms.

You’ve seen movies where spies effortlessly switch between languages, or where someone is able to surprise a beautiful stranger with a natural grasp of their native tongue, and you’ve seen an addict on the highway asking for money because the only thing that matters to them now is their next high. You’ve probably thought you’d never be like any of those people, but thanks to DuoLingo that’s not true! You’d never thought you’d fight through an addiction, but here you are. DuoLingo is less making you a citizen of the world, but more making you into a junkie of the street. 

Ready for more? Say Si today!

[bryanevansduff]

Big Questions for Your NFL Team This Season

The NFL kicks off soon, but there are still a bunch of questions for your team before the season gets going. We preview some of the biggest ones below!

Who is the starting quarterback?

Questions remain around the quarterback for yet another season. Who is he? Is he tall? Is he friends with your dad? And what kind of man does he want to be (like, what are his interests)? It would be great to get a cover letter and resume, TBH.

Can the defensive line bounce back from the way last season ended?

Despite tapping into his sensitive side in a stirring choreography to Gloria Estefan’s “Rhythm is Gonna Get You,” the nose tackle was eliminated on the Dancing with the Stars finale after the fan votes were tallied. He’ll have to settle for his multiple defensive MVPs, because he won’t be hoisting the Mirrorball Trophy anytime soon - despite his performance on “Latin Night.”

Are the expectations for the wide receivers too high?

After all, they are just mortal men. 

The defensive coordinator installed a new scheme. What will it look like?

Word on the street it’s a fake horse betting parlor, designed to look like the real thing down to the last detail. When opposing teams come to visit, it will be raided by “FBI agents” right as they go to collect their winnings. There are still some details to iron out but given their penchant for improvisation it's likely they can at least make things interesting.

How many cheerleaders are there?

It’s kind of amazing that cheerleaders are still a thing, but has anyone tried to count them? And would it be better or worse if there were like 200 of them?

Can the offensive line do a better job of protecting the quarterback…from himself?

Negative self-talk is real. Last season they gave him a bunch of books and even sent him some links to BetterHelp, but it may take more than that the way he can’t get over blowing it with Shelly, his so-called “only real chance at happiness.” Can the two guards, the two tackles, and the center show him that he must learn to love who he is before he can hope to love again?

How will the head coach respond to being on The Hot Seat?

He totally didn’t understand the premise of that YouTube show before he went on there (answering questions while sitting on increasingly warm chairs) and now his squirming and squealing has become a meme that teens are sending all over the place.

Will the kicker exorcize his playoff demons?

Ever since he was possessed by Astaroth on the road at Jacksonville two seasons ago, he has seemingly been more concerned with hauntings, incantations, and chewing up goats than making a single extra point. The Vatican has been pretty clear they will not be helping him.

Can the running back shine with this supporting cast?

Last season, his performance was down. His production really suffered. His talent was lost amongst the botched blocking and poor lighting design in their staging of Urinetown. After bringing in some help through open auditions, fans are anxious to see if he regains his prior form in their upcoming production of Chicago.

Can the head coach trust his defense?

There's definitely buzz around the shift to a 4-3, one-gap system that should allow the linebackers to play faster. But then again, they’ve been sharing that meme of him squirming all off-season and that just has to eat at him. 

Will the safety return to form?

The dude molted a TON last season, so it’s unlikely that’s even possible at this point. 

[bryanevansduff]

The Best Modern Art for A Street Fight

So you’ve found yourself in a brawl and now you need to know the best way out of it. It’s too late to run away and the cops are nowhere to be found. It’s time to rank the best modern art for a street fight.

Cubism

Just because this is the OG of modern art doesn’t mean it’s not still dangerous. You’re not just breaking from the pictorial representations of the past, you’re breaking your opponent’s sense of reality and ultimately his will to fight through the use of geometric forms.

Surrealism

As you embrace the irrational and dreamlike state, you will be a waking nightmare for your opponent with this bad boy of modern arts. Throw in some in collage techniques to truly flummox.

Art Nouveau

Curvy and decorative art nouveau will give you a supreme advantage, but I just realized I think you asked about the best “martial art for a street fight,” not modern art. That makes a lot more sense, honestly. Modern arts probably aren’t going to help you that much.

Classical Realism

Again, not sure how helpful any of these are going to be. Classical realism emphasizes a skilled portrayal of beauty, but I see how that’s not super helpful when you’re squaring up against a dude in an alley to defend your lady's honor.

Dadaism

OK! This one might actually work. It was created in order to mock the horrors and foolishness of violent conflict, so in that way maybe it’s appropriate to incorporate this as a way to reveal the futility of a street fight? I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here, but perhaps a nice, thought-provoking Dadaist piece would open a dialogue rather than a forehead wound.

Avant-Garde Fauvism

This is another subjective response to nature relying on super brilliant colors, rather than a method to incapacitate an opponent. I am sorry - I really need to do a better job listening. It's something I've said I wanted to work on for a while and now I can see that's something I am going to get serious about. "Modern" and "martial" don't actually sound that much alike. I guess we all hear what we want to hear, you know? Anyway, there's one more modern art that I saved for last.

Impressionism

We all love impressionism, with its visible brush strokes that heighten emotional undertones. Renoir, Monet, Manet, Pissaro, terrific artists all, but none of these guys are going to be scaring anyone in a bar room. And you know what? Maybe that's OK. They weren't worried about having their manhood challenged or suffering through any sort of mid-life crisis. They were more worried about processing and expressing different, more nuanced emotions, in much more dynamic ways. That's why they would tell you to just go for the eyes and run.

[bryanevansduff]

Enforcing Our Company’s Back-To-Office Policy Has Made Me Drunk Off A Power You Couldn’t Possibly Comprehend

Our company’s back-to-the-office policy strives to promote a healthy balance between remote work and in-office collaboration. By having team members return to the office, we can foster a sense of connection, strengthen our company culture, and, most importantly, make an HR middle manager like me drunker on power than you would ever believe.

Truly, my power high is indescribable. The Germans don’t have a word for how intoxicating it is to command people to spend more time in the physical presence of coworkers who could care less if they lived or died. The Romans’ Bacchus himself could never have dreamed of the wild orgy of elation I get to experience when I report to a team leader that their direct report didn’t arrive last Thursday as they said they would. And the Hindus never conceived of a caste high enough for those of us who get to remind their colleagues to fill out the shared Outlook calendar to schedule a workspace for their days in the office. Now I Am Become Death.

As a reminder, our company believes in-person attendance is a powerful way to build unity and cohesion, but that power dwarfs in comparison to what I feel when enforcing it. Sending out back-to-office mass emails fill me with an Atlas-like resolve. Forcefully weaning these babies’ off of their precious “work-life balance” makes me think of Hercules’ 12 labors as child’s play. And had I been able to call their personal cell phones to issue them a verbal warning for not being in the office enough, Genghis Khan and his Mongol Horde would have stopped dead in their tracks. King Kong Ain't Got Shit On Me.

Though my resolve is unrelenting, that’s not to say I won’t occasionally vary my approach. I’ll surprise someone with a “I hate to be the bad guy...” or “You know, if it were up to me...” when reminding them they have to spend two hours a day commuting if they want to keep their health insurance. But all this empathy is nothing but a performative sham. The truth is, if it WAS up to me, you’d all be chained to galley oars like Ben Hurr, where your rowing could power the vending machines in the break rooms that no one has used since the last Bush administration. I Am The Captain Now.

Some call me a zealot, but how could I not be with a responsibility this important? I’m charged with ensuring the company crams as many people as possible into our big, dumb open floor plan so they can all sit on Zoom calls with each other all day while our Wifi bandwidth totally tanks from it. Upper management charged me with the divine purpose of justifying the company’s inordinate, shortsighted investments into the office’s real estate and I have accepted that calling with an unbridled enthusiasm. I Am A Golden God. 

There are no exceptions to the policy, as there are none with my power. You have a funeral to attend during one of your scheduled back-to-office days? Hey, why don’t you “Zoom in” to the service to pay your respects? What’s wrong - I thought you said being remote was JUST AS PRODUCTIVE as being in person? Allow me to remind you that your offer sheet said you were required to come to the office three days a week as terms of your employment and said nothing about you being able to adequately mourn for your mother. That’s right: Say My Name. (In case you forgot, it’s “Hayley” or “Sayge” or “Zacc” or something stupid because the boomers in charge outsourced this work to someone who was born shortly after 9/11).

Anyway, if you have any questions at all about this transition, please do not hesitate to reach out! But as a reminder I do not work Mondays, Wednesday, Thursdays, or Fridays.

[bryanevansduff]

Wow I Can’t Believe Everyone Is So Antagonized By My Song That Is Deliberately Antagonizing

I am just a simple country singer who loves God, his country, his wife, and his 10+ children. I don’t know much about anything beyond guitar picks and beer cans, and I barely recognize this world that keeps straying further and further from His light. That’s why I am so confused as to why people are so antagonized by a simple song I wrote in order to antagonize as many people as possible.

I hate to say this, but that whole “cancel culture” thing is out of control. When I sat down with my producers, managers, and consultants to try to write a song that would get me as much attention as possible, I never thought it would get me all this attention. What happened to the good old days, when a man and his branding team could write a song - one that was intentionally as mean and unfair as possible - and release it into every single market using every single means that exists, without people reacting to how mean and unfair it was? I don’t know, but it feels like some people just won’t let other people enjoy their purposefully stupid actions anymore.

People sure are sensitive these days. I make one song about how people are terrible and if they came near me I would kill me and they somehow get offended by it. The truth is, I am offended by THEM. I’m offended by the idea that there are people who are different from me out there, and in fact, that’s why I wrote the song about wanting to shoot them. They have bothered me by existing. Anyway, those people are the sensitive ones. 

All this sure feels wrong to me: I’m just a simple country boy, afterall. I grew up in Small Town, USA, where all 150,000 people knew each other. We’d often all stop to say hi to each other when we’d bump into each other at the local Panera Bread of PF Changs. And we never locked our doors at night because we all lived in subdivisions that were sprawled for miles away from each other. You’d never know this from listening to the media, but that’s the way most of America lives - or at least the America that I know while I do everything I can to avoid broadening my horizons.

I think people are forgetting what country music is supposed to be all about. A lot of people joke and say “it’s about trucks, or women, or heck even going hunting with your old hound dog Hank,” and some people would argue it’s about speaking truth to power and standing up for the working class. It’s actually about something much simpler: exclusion. It’s supposed to be a music for the right kind of people, who wear the right kind of clothes, and worship the right god in the right ways, and respect the right kind of authority in the right way. If you listen to it and don’t like it then that just means you’re not the right kind of person. And some day, when The Lord returns, it’ll be up to him to cast judgment upon you for being wrong. In the meantime, me and my friends are just going to shoot you.

[bryanevansduff]

Writers and Actors Are Not Being Realistic By Expecting There To Be A Middle Class Of Writers And Actors

By Bob Iger The recent writers’ strike - coupled with the even more recent actors’ strike  - is very disturbing. We are all very well aware about the disruptive forces on this business and all the challenges that we’re facing, and this is the worst time in the world to add to that disruption with these strikes. Worst of all, these actors and writers are not at all being realistic in their demands for a middle class of writers and actors to exist.

These unions clearly don’t understand how the real world works, so it looks like I’m going to have to explain it to them from something actually called “a billionaire summer camp” that I commute back-and-forth from through a private jet. There simply is no such thing as a “middle class” anymore. There are people like you, who put off going to the doctor because you’re afraid of going broke and deep down understand you have no chance of ever retiring, and people like me, who barely do anything and get to flirt with the idea of running for president every other week simply because we’re bored with playing golf in Ibiza. The unions demanding to be paid a living wage is totally out of step with reality where people either get to live or get paid wages, not both. 

This has always kind of been true of the entertainment industry, one of the more notable examples of a “superstar market,” where some receive outsized awards and others struggle to get by, but this is increasingly the way of the future. Why? Well, with the rise of streaming, and the impact of COVID, and the impact of streaming, and the rise of COVID and - oh who cares? It’s really because people like me want it to be this way. Show business is still a business, after all, and nothing is better for business than gobbling up smaller companies and laying people off and destroying the middle class all to boost a share price...better for us, at least.

Remember: though the industry may be changing so that fewer people can survive in it, let alone thrive in it, it could still happen to you. The great thing about our business, and America, and capitalism, is that you can make it happen on your own anytime! All you need is a little luck, a whole lot of effort, and you could defy the odds to rise from rags to riches. Hey, that sounds like a pretty good story! There’s a name for that sort of thing, right? What’s that called again, a “fairy tale,” right? Let’s have someone send that over to a generative neural network to write that up, and another AI to start on the CGI, then let’s plaster it over all the streaming platform and sue any little guy who tries to do anything remotely like it. 

Time to wake up and face reality, actors and writers. And you can take it from me, the CEO of something called the most Magical Place on Earth. 

[bryanevansduff]

The Only Thing Worse Than Taking Cold Showers Is Listening To Someone Tell You Why You Should Be Taking Cold Showers

You probably think you have the whole “living healthy” thing figured out. You eat right, you exercise, you get enough sleep and avoid stress, but there’s one big thing you’re missing out on: listening to me, one of the most obnoxious people you will ever meet. And I’m here to tell you about why you need to take cold showers.

You’ve probably started to regret talking to me long before I brought up the benefits of taking a cold shower every day, but that’s certainly not going to stop me from talking about it. I’ll start by asking you if you already take cold showers, which you, of course, do not, because you’re not a full-on freak-a-zoid like me and you enjoy the whole “comforts of modern life,” lifestyle for some reason. Once you admit you’re missing out on torturing yourself, I will make you feel bad about not doing something totally inconvenient - something you only do when your landlord is negligent with the water heater or you stay at a bad hotel. Believe me, I will NOT back down from this: I will come at you with the conviction of an ancient priest performing a ritualistic exorcism, but the only thing I’m trying to rid you of is any semblance of body heat.

Next I’ll go on and on about how good taking a shower the temperature of Lake Minnetonka in late January is actually good for you. Not that it actually is, or not that I actually understand why it would be (I barely passed biology in high school), but I can totally recap what I’ve heard about it on several podcasts with Navy SEALS and Finance bros, and if there’s anything people love more than Navy SEALS and Finance bros, it’s hearing podcasts recapped to them. I mean, do you want to burn more fat in your body? Do you want to create more brown fat in your brain? Taking a cold shower both burns and creates fat! I think, at least - it definitely has some affect on fat. Anyway, it’s very good for you. Sure, you can listen to “doctors” and “scientists,” who say that there is no real benefit to taking a cold shower - not even for muscle recovery - but there are a lot of things that they get wrong, namely the things that I have decided to be against. These are usually the things that get the most attention, or the things that I frankly understand the least. Thanks for listening, by the way. You being an audience is really encouraging me to be terrible!

Even if getting pelted by icicles every morning isn’t good for you, it’s still good for you. Basically, your life is not challenging enough and you need to include some voluntary hardship to make yourself tougher. Take it from me, the softest person you will ever meet: taking a cold shower for a few minutes every morning makes me feel like I could have been a professional athlete (I couldn’t) or a guy who fought valiantly at Gettysburg (I would have ran away) or the dude who stopped 9/11 (I probably would have helped the terrorists get into the cockpit in the hopes that they somehow spared me from the plane crash). Also, if you start your day out with something hard, like an indoor ice storm, the rest of your day only gets easier. That makes me feel better about my life, and rather than making any real changes like “talking to someone about my mental health issues,” I’d rather just implement something into my routine that looks cool on an Instagram story.

This is seriously the life hack that has turned everything around for me, even though next time you see me I will have totally forgotten about this conversation or that I even tried taking a cold shower for like 2 days. Because by then, I’ll be telling you all about something new, like why you need to eat raw meat or get up at 4:00 am. Hopping from one game to another is what’s going to give my life meaning until I reach the ultimate life hack (dying).

[bryanevansduff]

The Supreme Court Serves As A Necessary Backstop In Preventing The Country From Becoming Too Livable

Many Americans were stunned this week when the Supreme Court handed down several consequential decisions. The first severely limited the extent to which colleges and universities could use race as a factor in admissions, the second limited the president’s ability to forgive student loan debt, and the third allowed people to use a book from 5,000 years ago as a reason not to make cakes for couples who have better fashion sense than them. Though these may seem like dramatic decisions, it is important to remember the Supreme Court serves as a necessary backstop in preventing the country from becoming too livable.

When the Founding Fathers were writing our constitution, they imagined that each branch of government would exist to provide checks against the other branch so that the country could suck as much as possible. This was a heavy lift, as the country was blessed with extremely favorable natural resources that destined its people to become the richest on earth - unless their government found creative ways of holding them back. Thankfully, the founders could rely on another thing that America had in abundance (racism) to ensure that the true voice of its people was never totally heard. The judicial branch, of which the Supreme Court is the highest court, was devised by the founders as a backstop against any sort of progress by making sure it was appointed by systems that disproportionately provided influence to voters who spend the most time on Facebook. Prominent historians were so grateful for the sort of forward-yet-backward thinking that the Founding Fathers showed with this, so that’s why they called them the Founding Fathers and not just by their regular names. 

Today’s decisions are a reminder that if Americans truly want to make their country more livable, they should simply vote for legislators to legislate new legislation via the legislative branch. Granted, the Supreme Court can strike those laws down whenever they feel like it. That’s what happened with Affirmative Action: legislatures generally agreed that racism was bad and that we should try to do something about it, but then six old people decided it was time to set the country back a century. That’s what makes the court so special: it can decide whenever it wants to make it whenever it wants. It’s been doing this pretty much since its existence (you should check out the Dred Scott decision but then again, what is time, anyway? Only the court can decide).

There is of course the executive branch, which in addition to posting on social media, has the power to enact some actions to make things a little better for the people who have the audacity to try to live. The fact that the executive’s powers have grown and grown over the course of the forever wars of the past few decades (things the court never really cared about), should be a cause for alarm for all Americans. After all, the Founding Fathers ostensibly wanted to prevent us from being ruled by a King, or someone who was above the law. We should welcome the Supreme Court’s newfound willingness to stand up against executive overreach as a way to keep us safe from tyranny, even though they are unlikely to do this against whatever sort of cave person who gets elected by the same donors they have.

And though many of these justices have been quite publicly bought by special, lobbying interests, we should remember, above all else, not to politicize the court. That would delegitimize the institution, and it is important for our health as a nation that all Americans respect the 9 grown adults who wear a special little matching costume to work each day and accept that they get to decide everything, whether or not it makes sense.

Because it does not.

[bryanevansduff]

I Used To Think Donald Trump Was Fit For the Oval Office. Today’s Indictment Changed That.

On Friday, former president Donald Trump was indicted on charges of willful retention of national defense information, obstruction of justice, false statements and conspiracy. The indictment alleges that President Trump stored boxes and boxes of highly sensitive information, including nuclear programs and details of how our country was vulnerable to military attack. As a once former supporter of the president, I now question whether he is fit for office.

In the past, I thought the legal actions brought against the President were borne out of petty prejudice and prosecutorial overreach, the result of a broken, partisan, and weaponized justice system against an otherwise American hero. Yet today, I totally left all of those myopic, misinformed, absolutely weird stances behind to realize my disappointment in the former President’s cavalier, potentially harmful actions. The new indictment definitely changed my mind.

I stood by the President during some admittedly troubling times. He said a lot of troubling things and did a lot of troubling things. Yet I supported him throughout because I didn’t think they were that troubling, to me at least. But that ends now - today’s indictment was the last straw. We as a nation simply cannot afford to have someone as damaging and reckless as Donald Trump as our president. Even though a lot of people had already been saying that for over 8 years, and even though I already supported him to become president for 4 of those years, I devoutly reject his brand of undisciplined, unfit action and I do not believe it belongs in our great Oval Office.

I am shocked and disheartened: how could someone who has previously shown no regard for norms, laws, or consequences of any kind show absolutely no regard for norms, laws, or consequences of any kind? How could someone who has demonstrated time and time again that he cares for nothing other than himself once again care about nothing other than himself? He consistently put himself over the well-being of our great nation, and now he dares to do so again? Fool me once? Shame on you, Mr. President. Fool me twice? Shame on you, Mr. President.

And now our once great house has been further divided against itself. Lady Liberty weeps. Our founding fathers, looking down from heaven, hang their heads in shame. The proud Bald Eagle soars a little lower. Our shining city on the hill shines a little less bright. None of these things were happening before today. May God have mercy on our sweet, innocent, undeserving nation. 

We now must ask ourselves, “Is this the sort of example that we want to set for our children?” In the past, my answer was yes, but I see now I was too busy enjoying that this man was going to lower my taxes, appoint conservative judges, and make the people I didn’t like mad to notice that he was actually quite mean and dumb. Today I realized: enough is enough. I will no longer support the former President.

I imagine a lot of other Americans feel the same as I do.

[bryanevansduff]

Code Of Conduct For Our Clan of Post-Apocalyptic Marauding Cannibals

Dear Fellow Post-Apocalyptic Marauding Cannibals,

Despite doing my best to keep our clan of cannibals as chaotic and anarchic as possible, it has recently come to my attention that many of you are forgetting what it means to be a part of the Terror Tribe and are in need of some guidance as to how to conduct yourselves accordingly. That is why I, Cutface, have set about to establish the following code of conduct of our clan of post-apocalyptic marauding cannibals.

First, allow us to discuss wardrobe. Simply put, we are in the fear business, which means we all need to strive to dress ourselves in a way that conveys malice and strikes horror into the heart of all the lost souls that have the misfortune of stumbling across one of us in the barren wasteland that is now our existence. Every item you choose to adorn yourself with must be selected with this intent in mind. Some example items include old bones of your enemies, old skulls of your enemies, sharp rocks, or old blood of your enemies. There is of course still room in the wardrobe for you to express your own individuality, so long as you continue to curate a very freaky, messed up vibe. 

(For instance, DeathBath has strapped an old teddy bear across his chest. Though this on the surface might not sound that terrifying, his other adornments and overall demeanor succeed in making this a very scary thing.)

The next most important issue is that of what - and who - we eat. Cannibals, allow me to remind you that we are cannibals. Often I have come across some of you foraging under rocks for stray strands of moss or among the remains of civilizations for remaining canned or bottled goods. I get it, you’re hungry, and you don’t necessarily feel like chopping a person up and eating them since that can be real hassle. I remind you, however, that we have committed to this lifestyle - ever since we all took part in our initiation ceremony where we ate two of our own fingers - we have been disciples of the Terror Tribe. It is really this simple: if you and your friend are hungry, one of you needs to eat the other. Now, of course there are exceptions, such as the rare occasion when we decide to show mercy or remorse to some weary traveler, like a scientist who thinks he has a cure for the disease that wrecked the cursed planet, or a child who is on their way, but those are EXCEPTIONS, not rules. Just remember “if my teeth aren’t rotten, then eating flesh I have forgotten.”

The last thing I would like to bring to our attention is of course the matter of the work we do. Before you devoured your own digits and could still hold a pen, you signed a very simple NCC, otherwise known as a “non-compete clause.” That means you do not terrorize for any other clan other than the Terror Tribe. It doesn’t matter if it’s your side hustle or just a one-time consulting gig where you show a family how to ambush a Federation supply run, you need to be putting your entire effort into our clan. I really shouldn’t have to say this but the whole point of our existence is to strike as much fear into other people as possible. We want everyone else in this so-called life to feel the fear horror we feel at every single moment. That’s why we do what we do and any effort you’re putting into anything else is taking away from our shared purpose. 

Also every other Friday you are allowed to sign off early.

[bryanevansduff]

Why I’m Pulling the Plug on My Mom...’s Satellite Dish

I love my mother very much and I am eternally grateful for all she’s done for me. Now that the time has come for me to care for her, I’m faced with the incredibly difficult decision of how to best help her move on. After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, I’ve decided to pull the plug on her satellite dish so she can no longer access right-wing, cable news.

I never imagined I would be in this position, but unfortunately it’s become clear that after 64 beautiful years of life, my mother will never have another good day - so long as she is able to watch cable news. Her life from this point on will be a vegetative state, where’s she incapable of being present with you because she’s glued to some segment about the transgender migrants or how woke curricula are ruining nap times for kindergarteners. Her quality of life has disappeared for good now she that she lives in a constant state of moral panic over violent crime in cities she’s never been to.

I’ve helplessly watched as my mother’s recognition of me fades from her eyes. She used to know me as her son, now I am just some young, Soros-radicalized voter who is trying to defund everyone’s police. I only wish I could go back for one day and just be her baby boy, not another urban elitist who wants to shove EV’s down everybody’s throats.

This hasn’t been an overnight process. We first noticed signs of my mother’s altered cognition over 20 years ago, when she was memorizing every 9/11 update from the CNN chyron. We held out hope that this all was just a normal part of aging and not a full-blown condition. Unfortunately that hope all but ended when we visited at Christmas and noticed she was waking up in the middle of the night, wandering around the kitchen and complaining that no one wanted to work anymore. It totally evaporated for good when we found her closet full of MyPillows. We looked into to a conservatorship to protect our mother from future scams, but unfortunately she saw an ad on FoxNews about a lawyer who could protect you from this, and he’s kept it from happening.

Studies show that caretakers are often in worse chronic health than those they care for, and it’s it’s certainly been the case that my mother’s condition has been hard on our whole family. My father has had to wear a lot of different hats through this saga, namely the “NewsMax” hat my mom got him to mow the yard in. My sister’s patience has been tried as well as she’s had to re-explain each day that the reason NewsMax is texting my mother with advertisements all day long is because my mom texted a number she saw on NewsMax because it offered a free hat. And I have struggled with my mother’s condition because even though she was once a sharp, highly-educated woman, I cannot get her to grasp the simple concept that all she has to do is send a message that says STOP to opt-out of these NewsMax texts.

You may be thinking, “This will not be the end for your mother. Even after you pull the plug, she will just cross over to getting right wing news over social media.” I appreciate your concern, but if you knew my mother then you’d know she’s been a lifelong believer social media is bad because she knows that’s how the Chinese steal your data. My mother was born and raised a devout, lifelong luddite, so the general internet is even less of a threat. One time I used her computer to check my work email and her top Google searches were “how to find fox news,” “how to increase laptop font size now,” and “crimes”. It was these words that reassured my faith that without her satellite, my mother will be in a much better place.

[bryanevansduff]

We Must Dismantle Capitalism Unless I Get Really Rich First

Our world has become an unequal and unfair place to live, thanks to the unchecked power of capitalism. Wealth, and in turn, power, have been concentrated into fewer and fewer hands, and opportunities are increasingly hoarded by the few at the expense of the many. How we answer these injustices is the moral dilemma of our time, and thus it’s imperative we dismantle the capitalist system unless of course I were to get really rich first.

In simple terms, capitalism is when individuals are allowed to own property, which can involve physical property, like a good, or even their own labor, like a service, and then sell that property as they see fit. When you break capitalism down this simply, it’s easy to see what its inherent problems are. First, who decides who can own what and why don’t I personally own more of those things? And second, how do we decide how much something is worth and why aren’t we saying that I am worth more? 

At its core, capitalism is a system that rewards selfishness: it encourages people to act on their self-interest even at the expense of those around them. Done in the aggregate, this creates an entire way of life that places profits over people, but that honestly doesn’t seem so bad if I were to be the one doing it. I actually think I would probably still keep the people in mind sometimes, even while I was the one accumulating all of the profits. 

When I had those profits, I would probably do a better job of sharing them with everyone else than what’s being done currently. We should all be outraged that the top 1% of the world controls 50% of the world’s wealth. If I was part of that 1%, I would make sure that number was way lower, like 40%. That seems fair.

Because nothing about capitalism is fair! The great lie is that the free market gives us all an equal opportunity to achieve success and accumulate wealth, when in reality the game is rigged from the start to favor those who already have an advantage. The rich lie and say that they deserve their privileges, that they earned them fairly through an open competition, but we all know that’s not really true even though it sounds like something I would probably say if I got rich. Honestly, if I were to become wealthy, it probably would be for something I did, like invent a cool new toilet or something, and so in that case we could be confident that the system actually WAS fair and we wouldn’t even need to dismantle it, after all. 

If we’re not going to have a serious discussion about dismantling the entire system, then we at least need to start asking the wealthy to make some serious concessions. After all, all of the most important checks and balances into our system have come from concessions made on behalf of workers. We need to make these concessions, such as a higher marginal tax rate and a more robust corporate tax and an actual estate tax, sooner rather than later, before our inequality explodes any further. Also, we should make these before I might become wealthy, because once I become accustomed to that lifestyle I really can’t see myself giving any of it up.

[bryanevansduff]

I’m Something Totally Unimportant And I’m Here To Ruin Your Sleep

It sure was a long day, huh? No wonder you’re ready to hit the hay. I don’t blame you; you’ve earned it. But hey, before you conk out, I just wanted to introduce myself: I’m something totally unimportant and I’m here to ruin your sleep.

Sleeping is the most important thing you can do to promote your health, and I am the complete opposite of that: something you have no control over whatsoever that can only ruin how you feel. I am 100% only here to mess things up. 

You know, you might want to double check that whole “sleeping is the most important thing you can do to promote your health” thing, I have no idea if that is true or not. In fact, I just kind of threw that out there to make you feel even worse about still being awake, in addition to the whole “suddenly remembering that I, something completely unimportant, even exists.” But now that you’re in a heightened state of arousal, possessed by more energy than you’ve had all day, you can afford to spiral and second guess things like that.

Yes, I know you were just about to nod off and shut those once-heavy eyelids for several important hours,, but nonetheless, I wanted to remind you of my totally insignificant presence right before you slumbered off. Again, I’m not at all important, but my sheer timing will certainly overestimate my worth. Funny how that works, huh? I sure seem important right now, but I assure you, I am absolutely not. Seriously, my importance is way out of proportion to the amount of time that you’ve dedicated to me already, but please go on! I am flattered by all this attention.

I could be a work email that you don’t need to respond to any time soon if at all, or I could be something you said to your neighbor earlier that they probably didn’t even hear let alone interpret in the way you’re suddenly fearing, or I could be a dish you might have even left in the sink (you did not). It actually doesn’t matter what I am because you won’t even remember me in a day or so. What matters is that your sleep is now ruined, it will be an hour before you even start to doze off again because I just convinced you to get up and check your phone or given you an excuse to get up and get a glass of water. Anyway, just happy to say hi!

Great, now that you have managed to fall asleep, I’m happy to insert myself into your subconscious. I won’t quite turn your dreams into full-blown nightmares - they’ll be no stabbing or naked presentations to your 9th grade class or whatever (how cliche) - but they will be unpleasant and odd. Not odd as in you just ate a whole bunch of Thai food right before bed but odd as in you’ll wake up stressed and confused every 40 minutes or so and you won’t know why. In fact, that’s the greatest part about, you’ll never think of me again or remember I even exist tomorrow.

Anyway, can’t wait for you to meet my best friend “something you think you forgot at home” tomorrow when you get into your car.

[bryanevansduff]

There Is No Higher Purpose Than Being Part Of A College Basketball Team’s Student Section

It is now March, which means that it is time once again for the greatest country on earth to celebrate its greatest sport: college basketball. We may call it “March Madness” but there is nothing crazy about celebrating the players, the passions, and the plotl ines that all come to fruition as the NCAA commences its annual national championship tournament. And since nothing celebrates those beautiful entities better than each team’s student section, that is why there is no higher purpose in life than being part of one. 

To be part of one, you must simply relinquish yourself, giving over to the collective. Simply put, just show up to every home basketball game (and most of the road ones) and join in on the standard chants and whatever new one that was created to makes light of a super personal issue an opposing player is going through. There is also room for your personal creativity as well, such as creating a sign that invents a new acronym for the TV network covering the game. Show up as you are, so long as you’re wearing the school’s color. 

If this sounds like a burden to you, then you are soundly mistaken. In fact, after giving over my sense of self, sense of time, sense of right and wrong to being member #4,113 of the Da Dawg House Crew, with a view obstructed seat behind the backboard, I have never been more free. I need for nothing, want for nothing, other than for the Bulldogs to win. And if they lose? I will smash a window and then blame it on my ADHD or something. 

Some people fall in love with painting, others devote themselves to the quest for knowledge, whereas I am one of the lucky ones to have given myself fully to the beautiful game of college basketball. I am devout in my commitment to gangly children throwing themselves up and down a court to earn college credit and the occasional endorsement from a local car dealership. I cannot appreciate symphonies, I do not know any Chaucer, but I see the ideal form of my team beating a conference rival by a score of 58-53 while shooting 19 for 61 from the field. 

If you are lost, then you can be found. If you ever asked “Is life even worth living? ThenI am here to spread the good news. Life IS worth living...vicariously through the fate of scholarship student athletes who do not even know you exist!

It’s actually super attainable, so long as you are a college student at a major university with a family that doesn’t mind paying $40,000 a year for you to show up screaming your guts out on ESPN2. 

I may have changed my major four times but my devotion as a member of Da Dawg House has never waivered. I have lost relationships, lost touch with family, but even as my life storms into chaos, I remain steadfastly committed to our devout purpose: being the most annoying part of a basketball game. The world could fall into shambles around me but I would still dead-set on making a lot of noise while the other team has the basketball and trying to distract them while they are shooting free throws. 

Life is best lived as being part of something greater than yourself. There is no “I” in team, and in fact, there is no longer an “I” at all. There is only my university’s men’s basketball team.

Also the women’s team is cool, too or whatever.